Broke up with my girlfriend

Vyse

I just broke up with my girlfriend (on saturday) and although it was my choice it still hurts like hell. We'd been just going out for a year and 3 months and had a bit of a break three months ago. However, we got back together to give it another go. The thing is, ever since we were on a break last time (it was her choice) things changed for me, I didn't feel as if I was as fully commited to it anymore (something that only really dawned on me in the last week or so).

Just to give a bit of a background for the last break up, it was due to distance (I live in Dublin and she lives in Clare - I had a thread on this, "Out of the Blue"). I was devestated when it happened but seemed to accept it after a couple of weeks and was happy to move on. Then we got back together.

I drove down to Clare on saturday morning to tell her and it was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. I know she was upset, so was I. The thing is I came away from it very confused, as if I did the wrong thing (despite the fact that I had made my mind up). However, this could have been due to the fact that I still do have feelings for her and care about her very much (whenever I broke up with people in the past I didn't give a damn about them), but if I did stay in the relationship I think I would be doing it more for her as opposed to for myself. In that kind of scenario I don't think anybody wins.

Has anybody experienced anything similar?

Black Swan

Trying to keep a long distance relationship going right now. It's hard sometimes, but sometimes it's grand in terms of things we do share, so I am hopeful that it will last until the distance is removed.

elexes

theres a song by a band called nada surf i think it was called popular it explains breaking up in some sort of light that makes sence . go get it listen to it and enjoy life

Vyse

Suppose my main problem is that this girl is lovely and everything I thought I wanted. She has done nothing to make me want to break up with her. I guess if I can't make it work with her then I'm going to be having a lonely life.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I lived with a guy for 3yrs, he was a lovely guy & tbh he did nothing "wrong", I just fell out of love with him...breaking up & moving out was the hardest thing in the world to do because we could have gone shuffling on for years as there was no big fall out, anyone else involved, no big reason to call it quits other than my feelings changed. If I was very lazy, I guess I could have put up with it indeffinately but I wanted a relationship with a man I was in love with.

We were both very upset & we considered giving things another go but I knew I was past the point of no return (I think you know the feeling I'm talking about).

Bottom line is despite feeling like I was throwing away a lovely bf & a great relationship, I went on to have bigger & better relationships & eventually found someone I fell in love with & had that "spark" with...I'm very glad I ended it now. Chin up - it does get easier, I promise!

Vyse

Thanks IM, much appreciated. I just hope that things work out for her. As much of a cliche as it seems I want her to be happy. As for myself I could happily stay single for a long time (I wasn't in a long term relationship for nearly 5 years before I met her) - just the kind of guy I am.

Curly wee

Sounds to me like you got so hurt the time she broke it off that you were not able to fully commit for fear she would do it to you again?

Do you think you have fallen out of love with her or the 'spark' has gone like IM said?

I was in a similar position.. me in Kerry and him in Kilkenny, over and back every other weekend makes things so hard... He was looking to move to me and I got freaked out and finished it... he was giving up all for me... what if it didnt work , what if he wasnt happy...etc etc kept going through my mind.. Until a friend told me to stop focusing on the negative, it will all be fine if he moves over, hes a big boy and can look after himself.. so once I started thinking like this I was in a totally different frame of mind, we got back together and all is well.. he still looking for work over here but when the time comes I know I will look foward to it and the normality it will bring..

Maybe this was what she was going through when she finished it… once it was back on with ye, things were sorted in her head but seem have unsettled you?

Miss Fluff

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Chin up - it does get easier, I promise!

Good post IM
Been there myself for six years Vyse and although you don't want to be with someone anymore it doesn't mean that you forget any feelings you ever harboured for them. With such shared history etc you are bound to look back at your time fondly and still care about her but just NOT ENOUGH to be with her anymore. It's having the bravery to walk away and hope that you find someone you really truly love is the commedable part. So many cowards stay in unhappy relationships with the wrong person because of the fear of the unknown. Much fairer to let her go than be in a "half" relationship. Of course you'll feel her hurt, you loved her once and are probably still very fond of her. Don't worry, it will get much better with time. Just give each other the space now to make a clean break of it.
Good luck mate and well done

Vyse

Curly wee wrote:

Sounds to me like you got so hurt the time she broke it off that you were not able to fully commit for fear she would do it to you again?

Do you think you have fallen out of love with her or the 'spark' has gone like IM said?

I was in a similar position.. me in Kerry and him in Kilkenny.......

Your position sounds very similar to ours. However, I don't think I was afraid of being hurt again. When we broke up the first time it was very painful but I dealt with it. By the end of the break up I felt like I was ready to move on but then we got back together. I probably never shook the "moving on" feeling but was happy to be back in the routine of the relationship. When I thought about the long term I knew that it was no longer what I wanted. Still I would have been happy to plod along in the relationship for months to come but this would be unfair to both of us as it's not like we're in our teens anymore (I turned 29 last week and she is slightly older).

Miss Fluff wrote:

Don't worry, it will get much better with time. Just give each other the space now to make a clean break of it.

Thanks for your post Miss Fluff. Everything you said made perfect sense. I hope that she feels the same way (eventually anyway).

GAA widow

hi vyse,

yeah i remember your "out of the blue" post - it's a pity it didn't work out but it does happen. there's no point in staying in a relationship that isn't going anywhere just for the sake of it - it's not fair on either of you.
you gave it your best shot and there's no more you can do or could've done differently.
you probably don't see it now but in a year or so you'll probably think that this was actually the best thing to ever happen to you.
Best of luck in the future

LundiMardi

Yeah man, it's just how it goes, me and my ex broke up after 4 years, although it was originally my idea, i still cried like a baby when it happened. Emotions are just weird like that. Just be thankful that it was amicable and move on with your life.

Be happy.

dr.bollocko

With some break ups I have had, as soon as the break-up talk was all over , and everything was done and dusted, I would walk away, and then just emotionally crumple as soon as I was alone, just absolutely shut down mentally.
The point is that as soon as I had called it off, I immediately forgot every single reason why I called it off. I couldnt think of one rational reason.
But I knew that I had a good enough reason not two hours before hand to put myself all the way through this ****, and just knowing that I HAD a reason, even though I no longer could remember it, comforted me.

pbsuxok1znja4r

Vyse wrote:

Suppose my main problem is that this girl is lovely and everything I thought I wanted. She has done nothing to make me want to break up with her. I guess if I can't make it work with her then I'm going to be having a lonely life.

That's not necessarily true at all. I don't know much about your situation, but maybe this just isn't the right time for you or you two are in very different stages in life. Just not quite on the same page. If that's the case then when you're a little older and more settled there's nothing to stop you being able to commit. Just go do whatever you feel you gotta do first.

Vyse

Thanks to you all for your replies and special thanks to GAA Widow for your helpful posts on both my threads here. I guess I'm not the only one who went through this:o Everyone seems to be typing exactly what I'm thinking!

snorlax

some lovely posts there..thanks they've cheered me up too (was in a similiar boat just over a month ago broke up with my bf of nearly 7 months)..was hard cos he said he loved me and i was very fond of him..but the initial spark in the relationship (at least on my side was gone) and circumstances dictated it was a time for a break..he still wants to get back with me and i still would like to have him as a friend but i don't think that's going to happen in the near future as much as i would like it to, he's still hurt and wants me back so i don't think that will happen honestly.

good luck and be brave . if it was meant to be it will be...i hope everythings works out for you and trust me in that it will get easier for you in the future and sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind especially like another poster mentioned in a one half relationship.

Kell

Vyse wrote:

I guess if I can't make it work with her then I'm going to be having a lonely life.

For a while. It always sucks when you still feel a lot for the person, but at the end of the day if its not working, its not working and theres no point in trying to pretend to yourself that it is.

Give yourself time and you'll be right.

K-

Lilysue

Hey I've just joined this thing so I'm not too sure what I'm doing but by the looks of it you can get some good/bad advice from it.From what you've said I'm a bit confused to be honest as you said you left her feeling really upset and you havnt feft like this when you broke up with other girls and that when you broke up the first time you were really upset?Whats really changed?If this girl is so great how can you risk letting her walk out of your life and never being as happy as you were with her again??Hope this makes sense.I just think that you don't know what you've got til it's gone is very true and you should be able to hand on heart, be sure that u made the right decision....cause I had to learn the hard way.

Talliesin

Vyse wrote:

I just broke up with my girlfriend (on saturday) and although it was my choice it still hurts like hell.

Hard choices hurt. That it hurt doesn't necessarily mean it was the wrong choice, which is sucky, but life isn't always about easy choices.

Vyse wrote:

Suppose my main problem is that this girl is lovely and everything I thought I wanted.

No she wasn't. Relationships don't happen in a vacuum, and the gestalt of her, what she meant to you and the situation the two of you were in was not what you wanted, or you wouldn't have broken up with her.
There isn't always the simplicity of "I realised my partner was [unfaithful/bad for me/violent/a messed up junkie/not going to stop boiling my friends' pets alive when she got came to the paranoid conclusion that I was having affairs with them], and therefore I broke up with her". And even when there is a clear indicator that someone is not good for you to be with it can still hurt.

Vyse wrote:

She has done nothing to make me want to break up with her.

My condolences to both of you.

Vyse wrote:

I guess if I can't make it work with her then I'm going to be having a lonely life.

It can certainly feel like that when you've just broken up with someone, especially if it's not a circumstance where you can point to something they did, and demonstrate (if only to yourself) that it was all their fault - though of course in those cases you're left wandering about why you entered a relationship with them the in first place.

There were a lot of strains on your relationship like you said. This wasn't the easiest one to make work that ever occurred in the history of romance. She wasn't "the one" because no one is "the one" unless you both can make each other "the one".

You've lost something that was important in your life. You've lost an important person from the position she held in your life. It's natural to grieve and that it was you who ended it (whether that act was striking the death blow to the relationship or merely acknowledging that it had already died) doesn't do anything to make that grief any less.

All you can do about grief is get on with grieving.

OliviaM

give it some days. things you feel might change. that thing happened to me and for four long years i grieved. with the others, just some few days and the grief is gone.

Vyse

Thanks again for all the replies. I know that I made the right decision for both of us in the long run and I think that she knows that as well. The sudden loss of somebody that is so important to you can really mess with your head.

Anyway, we had a good chat on the phone last night and I just explained how I felt and where I think that things may have gone wrong. She was quite receptive and understands were I am coming from, despite the fact that it was a big shock. She told me if she could change things she would and I agreed but hind sight is always 20/20. The ironic thing is when I stopped thinking that there was a longterm future for us was around the same time she start beleiving there would be.

Anyway, I guess you just have to believe that everything happens for a reason and keep marching on. I won't get stuck in the past.