Can I Trust Boyfriend?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I think I might be a bit over paranoid about this, but I need some opinions.

Ok, so, have been going out with a guy for about 8 mnts now.

I say that I love him, I feel that I love him but how can I have loving feelings when there are times that I

feel I cant trust him?

He is extremely cagey with his phone. I think that he is receiving/sending texts to another girl.

Sometimes he gets txts very late at night - he says they are from his mates - but then stories dont add up.

Sometimes he'll get phone calls and he'll say "oh its a private number" - not wanting to answer it in front of me.

I know that he has had contact with his ex, sorting out financial things etc (they were engaged). Thought things would

have been sorted by now. Im wondering if its her thats texting/ringing so often. He says nothing is going on between them.

I feel bad for asking.

To add more fuel to the fire, we were going out about 2 months, again he was really cagey with his phone. I was thinking "whats

going on?" So one evening when he went to the shop and left his phone behind (I dont live with him), I picked up his

phone and checked his inbox. I know it was wrong of me and I confessed (mainly because I was mad at what I saw and had

a go at him). There were messages from a girl (I kinda know of her-who she is). The messages I read had things like "

You going to the pub tonight" kinda thing. I asked him why he had messages from her

on his phone. He said that they had been friends before I came along and that he was entitled to have "girl" friends. Ive

since learned that he was with her a few months before we got together.



But then the cageyness started again. I confronted him and asked him why he was so weird with his phone. That I didnt like

it and that it made me uncomfortable. He said ok. He hadnt realised. Then last night he gets another message. I mean if I get

a message from someone, Ill open it infront of anyone. Only if I was trying to hide something would I try hide the phone.

Am I being too suspicious? I hate being like this. I feel that I have told him how I feel about all this, and yet he does

nothing to try and ease the situation. I dont want to be played for a fool and all am asking for is for him to be

honest. Mobile phones are a curse. Actually its the people who operate them I guess.

Should I confront him? I am getting ground down from doing this.
Anyone else ever in a similar situation? Is there anything I can say to him? It is horrible being so suspicious.

Beruthiel

If the relationship has no trust, there is no relationship.

akw_old

hmmm it could be that he had a really jealous ex who used to give out if he received texts from female friends.

i went out with a girl who would get annoyed if i got a text from a female friend. some of the texts would say things like "Make sure you please blah tonight". it would be a joke as i'd say the same to my friend regarding her bf at the time.

in the end i just decided to keep my phone on silent when i was with her.

you checked his inbox and found a message froma girl asking if he was going to the pub. thats perfectly innocent, and he is allowed to have female friends.

it does sound like he is cagy about his phone, so maybe you should talk to him about it. however, you should be prepared to allow his female friends to text him also.

humanji

I agree with B here. To me there seems to only be two possibilities.

1. He's cheating and trying to hide the fact from you. Dump him and move on. There's no relationship here.

2. He's not cheating. But you're inability to trust him shows that you'll probably never be comfortably with him. There's no relationship here either.

If you don't trust him then it really doesn't matter if he's cheating or not. This one is unlikely to have a happy ending.

Strokesfan

It sounds like either he is a little insecure himself and wants to text these girls to boost his own esteem or he is actually texting them in secrecy because he's up to something. You should say the next time he's being cagey that you don't mind him having friends who are girls if he could just be more open about it.

He may be feeling powerful that he can drive you a little demented with these shenanigans. I think you should pretend you don't care at all to see what effect this has on him.

If it continues - he may just be very immature and you will have to decide if you want to stay with someone that plays these games with you. I feel for you, there's a lot of boys and girls that do this. There's nothing you can do to stop it, if you demand he stops - you may drive him further into secrecy, if you don't do anything, he may start texting more often. I would feign disinterest or pretend you're oblivious. I'm tempted to say play him at his own game but that won't get anyone anywhere.

dr.bollocko

I dont see that someone wanting to keep correspondance confidential is a problem. I am a private person too and it just unnerves me to think of other people looking through my messages. Perhaps his problem is just a need for a basic amount of privacy rather than that he is cheating on you.
I would happily move on with the relationship and not worry about it further.

Black Swan

Beruthiel wrote:

If the relationship has no trust, there is no relationship.

Yes, this appears to be a trust issue for you. If it is not resolved, then there is no future.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I want to resolve it but I dont know how.

I understand that males have female friends also, I have male friends, but I am open about it. Im not, for want of a better word, sneaky about it.

If I knew that something was upsetting him, which has happened, i try to do my best to fix it.

I do try to ignore it, but its hard when the phone goes off and he practically jumps into a corner.

Why the secrecy? I dont want to jump to conclusions, but its amazing what the mind comes up with to cope with certain situations.

cluborange86

i know you dont trust him but i think you should confront him and ask him everything. do you know these girls that he's been texting? if he goes to the pub with them then im sure he wont mind you going as well

jellie

Some people just like their privacy. I absolutely hate people looking through my phone or laptop. Theres nothing dodgy on either of them, but its just a privacy matter. Theyre mine & noones business but my own. If my bf tried to look through either of them i wouldnt be too happy with him.

LegacyUser

sar84 wrote:

Some people just like their privacy. I absolutely hate people looking through my phone or laptop. Theres nothing dodgy on either of them, but its just a privacy matter. Theyre mine & noones business but my own. If my bf tried to look through either of them i wouldnt be too happy with him.

I can't understand that in a relationship. If there's nothing to hide and if there is there's nothing dodgy then why the problem?

OP You obviously do not trust him. That is not your fault. You must confront him and talk/sort it out. If you do not then you will never trust him and thats not good for a relationship.

King of Kings

tbh - if too many stories don't add up then there is somethings going on. maybe not an affair but he is liable to be keeping stuff from you.

Only you can tell when that threshold of "X" amount of stories don't add up and you dump him.

I'd say do it sooner.

been there done that. An d deep down I knew for a while before I acted.

Endasaurus

I think looking in his inbox when he specifically wanted you not to was a bad thing to do.

He probably didn't want you leafing through his phone not only out of respect for his privacy but also because he knew you would make a massive deal about innocent enough texts - the perfect example there of whether or not he's going to the pub.

I chat with a lot of people with my free texts, male and female. And indeed the ones with the girls can be a bit racy sometimes if we're just having a laugh but in no way does it mean anything, and I know that taken out of context and without understanding of our previous conversations they would be mortifying if read out, or especially if shown to someone I fancy!

Some people just need their space. Let him have is. But if you genuinely feel in your heart that he must be cheating on you because of this, then it won't ever work out anyway. None of us know this man so we can't tell you whether or not he's cheating, you have to decide for yourself what you think on this one.

Ickle Magoo

If my phone receives a message when I'm in the company of my husband I always tell him who it is & what they want & visa versa, just by way of conversation...we have nothing to hide & no other relationship we have is more important than that to each other so altho we as a couple want privicy from others, we don't feel the need to hide things from each other.

The very fact you A) Don't trust him & His behaviour is causing you suspicion is all the answer you need...find a guy you trust 100% & have a relationship you can truly enjoy. All the best

Kell

TrueBluey wrote:

Why the secrecy?

I always think that relationships should be built out of honesty and transparancy.

At the end of the day, this guy is wrecking your head with secretive ways. do you want to continue to have your head wrecked or would you rather be with someone that you can trust entirely?

Its only 8 months of your life. Walk away before it becomes 18/28 etc months of your life and the damage gets worse.

K-

LegacyUser

sar84 wrote:

Some people just like their privacy. I absolutely hate people looking through my phone or laptop. Theres nothing dodgy on either of them, but its just a privacy matter. Theyre mine & noones business but my own. If my bf tried to look through either of them i wouldnt be too happy with him.

I'm the exact same, I've never been with someone who has wanted to look through my phone or anything of the sort, I wouldn't want to look at theirs either, have seen friends male and female both doing stuff like that and just can't understand it, soon as they've left the table in the pub or whatever checking through the phone

Serious turn off for me if I caught a boyf looking through it or told me after that he had looked, I'd actually be disgusted!!!

LegacyUser

I was in the same situation 18 months ago, i'm still with my boyf but we did split for 3 months because of his texts.
We moved in together after 6 months and he was always very secretive with his phone, leaving it in a different room to where we were ALWAYS. On one occasion someone rang when we were in the car and he went a bit red and said "Em, Em I may ring u back in a while", then telling me it was someone from work.
He'd need to go to the shop about 4 times a night, for fags, or a drink, or a bar, and his phone always went with him.
I knew there was something but I was pregnant at this stage and didn't want to admit it.
Checked his phone one morning to find texts from a girl in scotland, saying "pics didn't come through, talk to u soon xxx" and "let me know when your free to talk tomoro". And texts to another girl. My heart was racing.
I rang both girls and they didn't have a clue about me or that i was living with him and pregnant. They hadn't seen my boyf since we'd got together but he had been leading them on over the phone, but he told them his situatuon had changed when they'd want to meet up with him.
They were ex's of his that he'd never fully finished with.
Didn't mean to go on so much but it does still upset me. We get on great now, he's finally grown up and loves been a dad and having a family, it's his no1 priority now

tbh

I'll say this, OP, with trust issues, for me it's never a case of "can I?" , it's "do I?" do you trust this guy or don't you? and, if you have to ask here, you don't. There is a reason you don't trust this guy, and I think if you are honest with yourself, you can probably figure out why. If you want my advice - don't fight your instinct. In my experience, your gut always knows better than your head in situations like this, it's easier for everybody if you just trust it from the outset. This doesn't mean that you have to stop seeing the guy, but it does mean that you should think seriously about how much you are willing to commit. Maybe he'll change - maybe he won't, and maybe you will start to trust him, but until then, why let him be the one that makes that decision? good luck with it anway.

LegacyUser

I would tend to agree with those who find it hard to see a future in the relationship. In my experience, trust issues dont go away over night, if anything they escalate.

Also, if a guy is cagey with his phone, IMO, its 99% because hes up to no good, or has plans to be up to no good. Sorry.

wheres me jumpa

Can I Trust Boyfriend?

If your asking that question then I think you already know the answer. Tell him your not happy on the off chance you are being hyper paranoid, if it persists, run for the hills.

Pigman II

There's nothing going on. He just doesn't want you snooping into every little detail of his life (and I don't blame him).

I'm sure it's a terrible character fault of mine but I don't expect/want to be given access to the logs of every communication device my significant other owns and would hope quite earnestly that they would would have enough respect for me and themselves stay clear of mine to.

I picked up his phone and checked his inbox. I know it was wrong of me and I confessed (mainly because I was mad at what I saw and had
a go at him).

You sicken me.

BeardyGit

You're wondering why he's 'cagey' with his phone? You've previously shown yourself to be the nosey and jealous type by your own admission. Flipped the lid with him because of it, didn't you? Don't try blaming him because he's reacting to your prior incursion of his privacy in a manner you can conveniently label as 'cagey'. You're not getting half of what you deserve from what I can tell.

Fair play to him for not giving in to you. And shame on you for ignoring your own betrayal of his trust - Snooping on his phone when he had left it behind. He didn't hand it to you, did he? He didn't say it was okay to read his messages, did he? Yes, easy to ignore you fell on this hurdle in the first place, isn't it?

I'm telling you now, if you were my girlfriend I'd dump you so fast you wouldn't know what happened to you. NO balanced relationship could be considered to have a future with you involved as far as I can tell. You might find some weak assed, pussy whipped gob****e who's prepared to sell out his privacy and freedom for a piece of your jealousy riddled ass, but that's not a relationship, is it?

Grrrr. You're doing this to yourself OP - Why make life so bloody difficult for yourself?