My friend has become a recluse

LegacyUser

I have only gone unregged to protect the identity of my friend.
My friend, who will be called Mary for the purpose of this post, has always had weight issues, for as long as I have known her.
She is very tall, 5 foot 11, she has a broad build,and I would guess that she weighs about 14 stone.
She is heavy, but overall I think she carries the weight fairly well.
Anyhow, in recent months I have noticed that she comes up with all sorts of excuses NOT to go out to a pub, or night club.
About a month ago she was bridesmaid for her cousin, and she was the most troublesome bridesmaid anyone could have asked for.
For months leading up to the wedding she made it clear that's he did not want to be a bridesmaid. She complained about the dress, the hair, the shoes, the photo's, etc etc.

At the time I thought she was being really selfish and told her off, but lately I have begun to realise that she wasn't just being selfish, the girl has serious esteem issues.

She wont come out - ever - and its not that she isn't sociable, she is happy to attend a house session with friends, and can often be the life and soul of the party.
However, most of us still live with our parents and house sessions are few and far between.

This weekend I begged her to come out with me, and she got really stroppy with me for being so persistent.

She more or less told me to Feck Off and leave her alone, and evntually agreed to a trip to the cinema.

Its almost like she is in hiding.
Long gone is the spontaneous girl I love, she requires at least a weeks notice for a night out, no exaggeration, and even then she will only come out of its for a damn good reason, as in someones birthday etc.

On the rare occasion that she does come out, she will sit in the corner, convinced that people are starring at her and laughing at her for being fat.

She is only 24 years of age, and recently she told me that she felt she had outgrown pubs and clubs, and much preferred the cinema, or sitting in.

I know there are people for whom the above might be true, but I really don't think its the case here.

She wants to be 'part of the gang' providing the gang is doing something that she is OK with doing.
She is coming across as incredibly controlling and moody, but I am convinced its all down to her weight issues.

A few weeks ago she asked me to start walking with her, in a bid to shift a few pounds.
I agreed immediately, and we have gone on a few hour long walks, where all we talk about is how sexy and skinny we're going to be
However, we went to the pictures on Saturday, and she bought €15 worth of goodies for herself, I was completely amazed, and she thought my amazement was down to the amount of money she had spent, and not down to the amount of rubbish she had just purchased.

She told me that herself and her boyfriend going to the cinema twice a week and usually spend about €30 on food between them.

I just said, 'God, that's mental, well we're not going to get skinny by eating all this junk food' - I said 'we' because I didn't want to make her feel bad - but the mood immediately turned sour and she said, 'well some of us will never be skinny and its about time we realised it'.

I don't know what to do with her, it's like she has given up, resigned herself to a life of obesity.

I know this post is a bit all over the place, I am writing as I think of the various scenarios that have cropped up in recent months, so excuse my rambling.

My best friend is hiding away, distancing herself from her pals, and comfort eating - tell me what to do to help make this better.

Dinxminx

Okay first of all I think you're right, I think it has nothing to do with her personality and everything to do with her weight.

Maybe try sitting down and talking about it? Like, have a night in and then when you've both relaxed and all just bring it up? Not in an accusatory way just you know, maybe say something about yourself that you don't like, and then maybe she'll bring up her weight and then you can say 'well, you know I think you look great but if you're really not happy with it I'll help you lose it'?

Oh, mini-warning though; if you do this, chances are you'll be the one not letting her buy goodies at the cinema and she'll probably get really stroppy about it, I know how grumpy I can be without my chocolate!! Just tell yourself that it'll be worth it in the long run. And when she gets in a bad mood about it just tell her that you're trying to help her like you said you would and, you know, no pain no gain and all that.....

Just a suggestion.. Good luck!


EDIT: Oh and try get the boyfriend in on it too - chances are he's the one shelling out €30 on sweets every time they go out. Could you explain the situation to him or does he not see that side of her?

Miss Fluff

I was in a an unhappy long-term relationship a number of years ago and my weight balooned, i put nearly 3 stone which thankfully I have lost again and have my confidence back. At the time I was desperately unhappy and went from being the life and soul of the party to losing contact with friends and sitting at home literally eating away my troubles. she needs to recognise that is why she is behaving like this. offer to help re gym/weight watchers but she has to really want to do it. some people can be at such a low ebb they don't feel thye will ever be slim again.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote:

I was in a an unhappy long-term relationship a number of years ago and my weight balooned, i put nearly 3 stone which thankfully I have lost again and have my confidence back. At the time I was desperately unhappy and went from being the life and soul of the party to losing contact with friends and sitting at home literally eating away my troubles. she needs to recognise that is why she is behaving like this. offer to help re gym/weight watchers but she has to really want to do it. some people can be at such a low ebb they don't feel thye will ever be slim again.

What you have described there sounds exactly like her - apart from one thing - I think she actually does love her boyfriend very much, but it is as if she is so low in herself that she can't accept that he loves her, or that he would find her attractive.

I want to shift a few pounds myself, so I am really more then happy to join an aerobics class with her, but right now she doesn't seem to be positive about anything, and motivating her is really difficult.

tbh

have you actually asked her if this is the case? No offense, but maybe she just doesn't like you anymore. Or has other things going on in her life. or maybe it's cracks like "God, that's mental, well we're not going to get skinny by eating all this junk food" thats making her so self-concious. For example, YOU may be freaking out if you looked like her, but maybe she doesn't really think about her weight. I'm sure you are trying to be a good friend, but the best thing to do is to sit her down and talk to her.

Kell

helpMYfriend wrote:

the girl has serious esteem issues.

I didnt know going walking fixes that particular problem. New fangled cure?

But seriously, if her esteem is in the toilet its not exercise she needs its therapy.

Ooh- and trying the softly softly approach with someone who moans about their weight and then goes and spends €15 on chocc's doesnt get you anywhere. Tell them to go and fix the problem or shut up about it.

K-

chamlis

I'll probably get crucified for this, but I've found Atkins works. Not a long-term solution by any means, but when I tried it and found that it worked and started to look good in my own mind again, I was able to keep up the good work with activity and sensible eating. It was the push that was neaded.
Atkins isn't as easy as people say cos you have to be 100% dedicated or it won't work. So you need to want it. The disciplin that was needed was also a moral boost for me when I found I could do it, and continue to improve in healthier ways.

tbh

helpMYfriend wrote:

What you have described there sounds exactly like her - apart from one thing - I think she actually does love her boyfriend very much, but it is as if she is so low in herself that she can't accept that he loves her, or that he would find her attractive.

I want to shift a few pounds myself, so I am really more then happy to join an aerobics class with her, but right now she doesn't seem to be positive about anything, and motivating her is really difficult.

you can't motivate her if she doesn't want to be motivated. You can't make her change unless she herself wants to change. All you can do is say "I'm here if you want help" - anything else could be counter-prodcutive, even dangerous.

LegacyUser

tbh wrote:

have you actually asked her if this is the case? No offense, but maybe she just doesn't like you anymore. Or has other things going on in her life. or maybe it's cracks like "God, that's mental, well we're not going to get skinny by eating all this junk food" thats making her so self-concious. For example, YOU may be freaking out if you looked like her, but maybe she doesn't really think about her weight. I'm sure you are trying to be a good friend, but the best thing to do is to sit her down and talk to her. Go on go on go on go on, etc.

She doesn't have any other friends, so it is not a case of her just not wanting to hang out with us anymore.

And the only reason I even made comment on the amount of food she purchased was because she complains about her weight, she says she thinks people stare at her for being fat, and yet, and it is probably comfort eating, but she consumers €15 worth of junk food in one sitting.

Obviously her boyfriend doesn't feel like he can say anything to her about it, he doesn't want to offend her.

It seems to be a vicious circle that she can't seem to get out off.

Ooh- and trying the softly softly approach with someone who moans about their weight and then goes and spends €15 on chocc's doesnt get you anywhere. Tell them to go and fix the problem or shut up about it.[quote/]

I really don't think the 'shut up or put up' is an approach that's going to show any great results.

Trinity

I'm sure no-one here knows your friend better than you do but the weight could only be part of the problem.

people get themselves into ruts for a number of reasons.

you say shes happy to go to the cinema or house parties - thats cheaper than a night out. Perhaps she is broke or saving?

there can be weeks going by and the thought of just getting ready to go out is enough to put me off so i dont - its not the end of the world.

is this i relatively new boyfriend or a long term thing? People can change dramatically when they get into relationships. Whether the relationship is good or bad they can get comfortably stuck - and think whats the point going out, i'm settled now (or something to that affect)

perhaps they may be other things including the weight that is stressing her out cos almost ruining someones wedding like that is really really bad form and she should have been honoured to be asked me thinks.

you could try talking to her. i realise you want to be a good friend but if my friend was treating me like that and snapping at me i wouldnt be too slow about giving her a kick in the hole.

in fact i have had to do it - a friend complaining about weight was eating 4 slices of bread with their dinner and other 4-6 during the day. Now there is no more than 2 eaten a day and its not for my benefit trust me.

Try having a heart to heart with her ask her whats going on tell her she has changed and you are worried. If it really is just her weight in the back of her mind somewhere then she knows that even though she may never be skinny with a big build - she has to know that eating 15 euro worth of munchies in one sitting is hardly going to help her lose any weight.

b3t4

Ok, she has admitted that her weight is the problem. She just didn't come right out and say it.

My suggestion:
1. Tell her you'd like to up yeer exercise regime with watching what you eat.
2. You've decided that you might want to join weight watchers.
3. Attend a local meeting. Tell the officials at it that you are concidering joining and would it be ok if you sit in on this session to see what it's all about. It should be free to do so.

Your friend needs a true education about what she's eating and how much she's eating.

She says she'll never be slim but weight watchers will show her otherwise.

The thing about weight watchers is the support network that's there. Everyone's in the same boat. Everyone has the same goals. Everyone has been where you are.

A.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

My gut reaction was social life. I'd agree with not liking the pub/club scene and not wanting to go there, and the walking seems like a good idea, but maybe you need to get her to do something more social? Gym, sport, something like that...?

LegacyUser

I have been where your friend has been -twice!
And it was nothing to do with my relationship which is great, I lost 3 stone felt brilliant!
Did it through weight watchers. Then I moved out of home and changed job all in 1 week.
We were living right in the center of the city - and not the nice part.
I was miserable, my new job was awful, Id lost all my work friends.
So I started to eat. Granted my boy didnt say much and part took in it. But no matter how much I ate the worse I would feel the meaner and grumpier I would get and just plain depressed.
It was horrible. I can honestly say 2005 -a right off.
Id make promises to myself to go walking, to get 'delight' cheese on my pizza.
To only eat out once a month, but as soon as Id break it I would feel - whats the point (constantly having an internal battle) Id feel crap and eat out or eat tons at the cinema.
What made this worse was my weight watchers knowledge. I knew what I was doing but I couldnt stop.

My boy started to feel equally crap. Id started to randomly burst into tears (honestly dunno how he put up with me) I didnt want to go anywhere.
So we talked about it, our lease was coming to an end and we moved out to Co. Dublin -thanks to the dart and joined WW together in June.
We've both lost a stone and a half and feel brilliant.

I totally understant the rut your friend is in. She is probably looking at everyone thinking they look better than her and they know it. This makes her feel crap and hideous. Its all in her head. But shes too near to see that.
Its a breaking point only she can reach. A class like WW can seem really scary too, getting up on scale infront of someone else!

Sounds like you have been a top friend. Her moods are totally about her weight, but also her diet is probably crap and that can make you moody too.
Id some really good mates around me too. Who didnt judge or say anything. But in response to her snapping at you - its uncalled for. She asked for your help. If she doesnt want it fine, but she cannot complain about sheding pounds if she eats 30 of crap a week.
I asked a girl at work to come walking with me at lunch time. And she always does and even the days I dont want to go, she says well you asked me to push u. COME ON.
As for what you can do, perhaps talk to her about it. Its a risk but worth it if it helps her!
good luck

blorg

Well done on your support. Sounds like she just needs to lose the weight. 5'11 _is_ very tall and as such 14 stone while a bit overweight is by no means terrible in BMI terms. So she can do it, she just needs to stick at it.

Weight loss honestly is a _very_ simple equation of calories in minus calories burned = weight lost or gained. Burn more than you eat and you will lose weight, simple as that, and it will be pretty much exactly 1 pound for every 3500 calorie defecit. So forget fad diets, all you need to do is keep track, review, and modify your behaviour accordingly.

Weight Watchers is good because it translates all this calorie counting into a simple 'points' system but at the end of the day that is all it is doing. And you _do_ get all the material at the first meeting, so you can waltz off at that point (although of course you don't then have the ongoing support.)

A site that I find very useful is www.calorie-count.com; you log what you eat and your exercise and it keeps a track of it all. It has lots of handy tools including a recipe calculator, you just type in your recipe and it gives you a complete nutritional breakdown. Really makes it clear just how many calories there are in some foods (and how there is _nothing_ in others.)

And do remember, diet is only half of the equation, exercise is the other. Diet without exercise and you'll feel cráp and hungry all the time. (And thus will rescind in no time.) Simply sensible eating with exercise and you'll feel great, won't be hungry, and the weight will fly off.

tbh

helpMYfriend wrote:

She doesn't have any other friends, so it is not a case of her just not wanting to hang out with us anymore.

I was thinking about this last night, and I think I did you a dis-service, op. I was reading between the lines of your post and saw things that were not there - that says more about me than it does about you, frankly. I was wrong, and I'd like to apologise - publicly. (we've had a conversation over PM). ok?