Peter Kay one liners

Marksie

BEST PETER KAY ONE LINERS.



I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said," Thyroid
problem?"

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to
forgive me

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names but one
day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Peter Kay's questions

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?


If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?


Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your a*se?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand
up and say, 'My name is Bob,
and I am an alcoholic'?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries'
have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in Francejust called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in Chinacall their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

petes

The mans a legend. I personally prefer Max and Paddys Road to Nowhere. Top notch writing.

Paddy: [approaches dancers] Alright love? Here's 10p go and phone yer mum, tell her you won't be home tonight.
Dancing Girl 1: I've got a mobile, dickhead!
Paddy: [Paddy moves onto next group] Ladies think of a number between one and ten.
Dancing Girl 2: Eight.
Paddy: You lose, now take your tops off!
Dancing Girl 2: **** off!
Paddy: [approaches another girl] Hey there, can you catch love?
Dancing Girl 3: Why?
Paddy: Because there is a couple of balls coming your way.
[Girl holds up a mechanical claw hand]
Paddy: Dave is that you mate?
[Paddy quickly moves off]
Paddy: I don't understand it, those lines are tried and tested.
Max: You mean they're tired and tested more like it. Woman in this day an age don't want that. Woman today like a bit of romance, like a bit of sensitivity.
Paddy: Where'd you learn that?
Max: Watching Trisha.

More quotes from Max and Paddy

http://imdb.com/title/tt0421033/quotes

Kojak

Ha - classic.