my life..

im_invisible

hey, dont mind me, ive just got a few things on my mind,
-suffering from depression the last few years, (well maybe since i was 9 or 10, but , well the last year hasnt been too bad, but the couple before that...) im 24 now. dont actually know if its depression, more anxiety, with a bit of the manic depression thrown in aswell
- went to a doctor first three years ago, was on and off antidepressants for a year, (was abroad, a few different doctors, different anti-d's, went through hell)
[i should really put in a bit here saying that i went through two years of smoking a lot of hash / weed, taking a few ecstasy, and small amounts of other drugs, before and after i went to the doc]
- back home to my doctor a year and a half ago, told him i wanted to talk to a specialist, put me on different anti-d's, (these ones actually seem to kinda work) and a waiting list for a psychiatrist
- after 4 months i get to see this guy, i go once every couple of months, usually a different guy, (been 7 times, saw three different guys, and a girl.) the funny thing is, i saw the girl the first time, i think she was a trainee or something, but she took my details, asked me a good few questions and took notes, thats the most satisfaction i got outta them, i felt like she understood what i was saying, then its the same questions, every time i go back, its like banging my head against a brick wall
- they ask me have i ever 'smoked de cannibiss' so i say yeah, 'will i smoke it again?', and i say maybe, so im sent to a drug addiction councellor, who, after a few meetings, and mandatory urine tests, tells me i really dont need to be there
- anyway, back to 8 months ago, after 3 more visits, i tell them i want to actually talk to someone, a psychologist, so im put on another waiting list, (or so im told). months go by, i enquire about a month ago, they tell me that since i never offically completed my drug councelling, i hadnt been put on any waiting list, and it'd be another 6 months to wait if i was put on now, but seeing as i seem to be giving the same answers to the same stupid questions, theyve decided that even a couple of pints at the weekend is too much, it must be interfereing with my medication, so i gotta stop drinking altogether, wait another two months, and then....
- needless to say, that didnt happen, ive drank more in the last month than i usually would've

when i started writing this, i thought itd go off on a different path, time for that later

im_invisible

and then theres this girl, well there was. she was my best friend, the best friend i ever had, i met her around-about exactly four years ago, and i last saw her around-about exactly two years ago, (2 years, seven days, nine hours and thirty two minuties ago, or there-abouts, but whos counting) put simply, she was my best friend, i started to get deeper into depression, me and her gradually fell out of touch, and i started either falling in love with her, or realising i was in love with her, or.. whatever, the depression, paranoia and anxiety were just too much to even try to think clearly, or to try to talk to her about why we were growing apart, i used to be able to talk to her about all this stuff, she was the only one i could talk to, i dont know, my heart pretty much broke somewhere in them few months, i went through hell, and im pretty sure ill never experience pain like that again, ive been through it, and now im numb, well not numb to it, but kinda apart, seperated from it, i just dont care (as much as i did? or at all? i dont know)

jellypops

You sound like you've been going through a pretty tough time and all the moving around with doctors doesn't seem to be helping either. Ididn't realise how hard it is to get to talk to a psychiatrist/councellor. I'd be inclined to give them another call and see if there is an appointment sooner and that you'd just like to talk to someone...To let all your worries out and why the reason for the long waiting list. Maybe they can recommend someone else.

WIth regards to your best mate...I think it is best if you don't get in touch again until you know you're stronger and in a better position to handle any recurring feelings you may have.
the best advice i can offer is to keep yourself busy. Find a challenge or a goal...be it a 10k run to train for, or something else.
Meet and go out with mates/work friends when you can.
All this will hopefully help to give you more confidence and less time to think. You will also be in a better position to meet new people and hopefully a new girl in time.

See what other posters think...?

chin up though, as you seem to be going about things the right way and you know you have things you need to get sorted. It will happen and I believe talking about things does help.

b3t4

If there is a waiting list for the pyshcologist I presume you're going to a counsellor in the mean time. If you aren't I'd highly advise you to start going to one. Yup, there are a lot of bad ones out there but there are some good ones too. Even start writing, it can be a great positive way to get out all the emotions locked up inside of you.

Being told that you have to stop doing anything in turn makes you want to do it more You were told to stop drinking so you proceeded to drink more, sounds perfectly normal to me. If you're going to stop drinking it has to come from you. You have to ask yourself seriously is the kick you get out of drinking as good as a kick you get out of your anti-d's?

You're friend and you appear to have drifted apart this happens in a lot of friendships regardless of depression. Don't beat yourself up about it. Did you really have any control over what happened? If you were able to snap on the happy face wouldn't you have?

The thing is that you're ill and it takes time and patience to heal this one. A lot of the healing has to come from you. A counsellor, psychiatrist, psychologist, doctor, drugs can only take you so far, you have to bring yourself the rest of the way with their support.

Keep taking the anti-d's and keep talking. It does get better.

A.

jtsuited

DO NOT DRINK ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS!
And training for some sort of challenging run, would do wonders for your sleep/wake cycle, appetite and general well being.

I've been through some pretty similar things, and the most effective anti-depressant I ever found was hard work and exercise.
Which is strangely the two things depression makes quite difficult.

Give yourself a little push.
About your friendships: Be aware that many people who don't understand depression find it very difficult to understand. Make a concentrated effort to deepen your relationships with others and you'll be amazed how good you feel.

Oh and most importantly: please please please check out Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It is an absolute miracle.

No spiritual mumbo-jumbo, no freudian childhood explorations, just the idea that how we feel is determined by how we think. It really is an amazing area of study, and one which has helped me (and continues to help me) greatly in my experiences with Depression/Anxiety.

Good luck man.

Black Swan

It seemed that the female therapist impressed you as being helpful. Do you still have her name and office number? Call her? Explain your problems?

Kell

im_invisible wrote:

- back home to my doctor a year and a half ago, told him i wanted to talk to a specialist, put me on different anti-d's, (these ones actually seem to kinda work) and a waiting list for a psychiatrist
- after 4 months i get to see this guy, i go once every couple of months, usually a different guy, (been 7 times, saw three different guys, and a girl.)

And you havnt gotten off your árse and gone and found another therapist? How the fcuk are you going to get the help you need if you are being passed from Billy to Jack all the time??

What you need is someone who deals with you on a constant basis, build a rapport with and someone who has all of your case history. You seem to be being treated really badly by whatever health professionals are involved TBH.

You might find that anti-d's are contributing to an overall sense of numbness. Most are designed to remove the lows but have a tendency to remove the highs too.

PM for details on decent help.

K-

im_invisible

so, yeah... i wrote a bit here a while ago,

wrote:

i couldnt be bothered writing out a long message, with all the problems of my life, just want some tips on getting confidance around girls

eh, yeah. i do get a lot more of a buzz off the drink than i do off the antidepressants, i dont feel like they do anything for me, at all. to be honest, there was something wrong with me three years ago, that my parents suggested i should go and talk to the doctor, and he put me on antidepressants, i dont feel any better than before i went on them. when i said they actually seem to be working, i meant they were better than anything else id tried, when i was abroad, i was a lot worse, and i was put on prozac for a month, (well then the prescription ran out, and i was in no state to be able to think to do anything about it). that month was the worst of my life, lets just say that i know now im not the kind of person who is going to kill himself, 'cos ive been thinking about it since i was about ten, and if it was ever going to happen, it would have happened then.
*then when i stopped taking them, i felt better for about a week/ ten days, then started going down hill again, so i went back to the doctor, and asked for more, i dont know what i was thinking, it was probably along the lines of 'i feel bad, give me medicine'. i knew i felt good when i stopped taking them, and i had to go home for christmas in about seven weeks, so i thought, ill take them for a month and a half, then stop, and ill be feeling fine for christmas, =o?
(i dont mean this to sound like im against prozac, just didnt work for me)
but these pills im on now, been on them for a year and a half, took a few months for them to lift me to half normal levels, then for the month of august last year, id say, i actually felt normal, proper, ok,.but its pretty much been down and up and down and down since then
and then a few months ago i was put on another drug to level my mood changes, (which, if he had been half listening to me from the start, he would have put me on from the start, he thinks ive manic depression now, but ive explained things to him exactly the same since i started, and i dont think i need to be on it at all), there was a bit on telly, law and order, where psychopaths' brains are wired differently, you say 'home, tree, garden, crash, rape, murder' to a normal person, thier brain reacts differently to the last three words, a psychos doesnt, im nearly getting to that stage, ("be carefull, theres some strange people on that internet") ...i think ill see if i can stop taking that drug.

...so to answer your question, yes i do feel better when im drinking, a lot better, without it id just sit in a corner and say and do nothing, with it i feel happy, i can talk to people, have a laugh, dance, be pretty much the kinda person id like to be, well there is still a lot of anxiety around girls, and the stage where that usually disappears is just a bit beyond the 'blackout point'

me wrote:

i probably do make a fool of myself sometimes, but its usually 'get myself drunk enough so that some girl can take advantage...'

(theres always something there, even when ive a couple ecstasy inside me, just something holding me back, stopping me, and thats what i need to get rid of, or get around,

me wrote:

i like music, and i like dancing, but being in a club, i used to go off on my own, close my eyes, and dance in the middle of the dancefloor, just me and the music, then a while later id open my eyes, and thered be three beautiful women dancing infront of me, and id be thinking, 'what am i meant to do now? please just leave me alone, ive not got a clue what to do in this situation, i just wanna dance', so id open my eyes for a second, smile at them, then shut my eyes, and hope theyd be gone when i opened my eyes again... true story. (any comments as to whether i had taken a few E that night or not, maybe a few too many red bulls along with it, i dont mind)

i can deal with the depression, ive been dealing with it half my life, but i need something to help me stop holding back. its like im on a leash, and i can cet so close, but i just cant,,, unless i drink so much i black out, and i end up snogging (being with/ shifting/ meeting/ what phrase do you use?) a girl.)

me wrote:

i just dont have the confidance to make a move, to hold her hand and bring her to the dancefloor, to say 'get your coat, youve pulled', and all that goes after that, unless ive got copious amounts of beer / redbull / ecstasy inside my system, and even then, it seems to be her that makes all the effort, and i just go along with it

at the end of the night, when she says 'maybe ill get a taxi home so...' it never enters my head that she might want me to invite her back to mine, or whatever, (but then sometimes it does, but i cant / wont do anything, so...) or if she is going to a club, i never invite myself along aswell, i just assume that whatever she says, is what she wants, and if she wanted my number, or whatever, shed ask for it

its always gotta be the girl that makes the first move, makes the second, third, fourth, moves.

im meant to be starting college in a week, and i was gonna just totally give up all drink/ drugs, and be the quiet me, but thats not going to help me at all, so i think ill go out the first month or two, check out the city, have a laugh, meet new people, make a few friends, see what pubs/ clubs i could get a weekend job in, that id enjoy working in, and well, if im working i cant be drinking, but ill be having a laugh anyway, (hopefully). then ill cut down on my drinking, and study a bit harder ( ...yeah, right)

im writing here more as a self-help thing, than looking for answers, though its always nice to hear other peoples opinions
*(ill probably print this out, and when i eventually get to see someone proper, ill give him all this stuff to read for homework)


neagh, who knows, who cares

Kell

im_invisible wrote:

you say 'home, tree, garden, crash, rape, murder' to a normal person, thier brain reacts differently to the last three words, a psychos doesnt, im nearly getting to that stage

:rolleyes:

im_invisible wrote:

i can deal with the depression,

So are you actually telling us you just want to moan indefinitely and not actually do anything about your problem? Your intention to not sort yourself out is highlighted by-

im_invisible wrote:

neagh, who knows, who cares

Thats the typical childish bullshít thrown out by someone who has no intention of a) accepting they have issues and b) have any intention of doing anything about them.

K-

im_invisible

ive just not been feeling the best in the last month, i thought comming back to college might help, but i cant do it, im so far behind already im wondering is there any point in coming back after christmas, i mean dropping out shouldnt be an option, i dont know, i cant drop out, because i cant handle a job, so that would mean living at home for another year, doing nothing,,, and i cant be doing that, but theres no way im passing my exams in the summer, unless i start feeling better inside, and am able to do something about it.

im just feeling pissed off with the whole situation, theres gonna come a time where i say 'right, ive done all i can, not nearly all i wanted to, but all i can, and i just dont see the point any more...'



/thread bumped
/postcount ++
/my work here is done

(usual childish bull****..? i know ive issues, im just too depressed...........)

cornbb

Kell wrote:

Thats the typical childish bullshít thrown out by someone who has no intention of a) accepting they have issues and b) have any intention of doing anything about them.

Shame on you, you clearly have no idea what he's going through. Its tough to dig yourself out of a depressive hole and even the fact that he posted here is an indication he's seeking help.

OP, you need good consistent medical advice, I'm sorry you got passed around so many doctors and counsellors like a hot potato. My advice would be to quit the substances (easier said than done I know), get some exercise and try to get out and meet people. Putting the head down in college will also take your mind off things. I don't know how much that can help you but I don't think it'll make things worse. Good luck buddy.