My first post.. criticism needed plz

DamoBrad

--hi, this is my first post and i'm not sure how it'll go but.. hey.. there ya go.. anyways.. let me know wot u fink..--


A Notice

Did you notice that I noticed?
The notice there upon the wall
I noticed, that you noticed
That the notice is very small
Beneath the notice is another notice
Imprinted upon the wall
It reads:
“I noticed, that you’ve noticed that you’re looking at the wall”

To fully understand this notice
You have to notice that its there
But I noticed from you’re motions
That you didn’t really care

So in turn…

I have removed the notice
You may have noticed
The one that was sitting upon the wall
I noticed, did you notice
It has left a shape upon the wall
A noticeable mark, from where a notice once was,
A parking space for the next noticeable notice

To be noticed upon the wall

-any comments??-

Odaise Gaelach

The first part is excellent.

The other two I'm really not too sure about.

I think that you need to change this:

DamoBrad wrote:

But I noticed from you’re motions
That you didn’t really care

You know, the lyrical beat in this poem is really good, but this line is out of time with it. I think that if you changed it to:

DamoBrad wrote:

But I noticed from your motions
That you do not really care

Then I think that it would fit in properly.

Sorry, I'm not really much of a poetry guy. But I like this. A lot. Good work!

trilo

short and sweet etertaining and very catchy. has the poem got anything to do with a notice:D

Briony Noh

trilo wrote:

has the poem got anything to do with a notice:D

Well, clearly not, as it has more to do with the effect of noticing and the response to being observed and as such fulfills the first requirement of poetry: to state the most simple thing in as complex a manner as possible. (:D )

Agreed, it's bouncy and amusing. The rhythm falls over itself with

"To fully understand this notice
You have to notice that its there"

and I think it's all "fully"'s fault, though "have to" has to accept some of the responsibility.

"To understand this notice
You must notice that it's there"

would work better for me.

The word "motions" stands out as being a completely unrelated word, nothing to do with the remainder of the text and might be better prelaced with a word pertaining to response or participation, but I don't know what that word is. It also has certain scatalogical connotations these days.

There are personal things I might have changed, but I'm a crap poet, so maybe you should just ignore me. Completely.

shiv

This whole thing just reminds me of the following:

"If you notice this notice you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing."

cue

Its kinda like Dr Seuss

BEAT

I think its brilliant actually,
quite clever.

I'd love to see some more of your work

DamoBrad

thank u all for ur thoughtfu criticism and adaptations.. it was most appreciated.. and i shall be addin more.. thankx..:D

DamoBrad

so here ladies and germs.. is the redone version wit ur helpful tips and such.. thankx again..;)

A Notice

Did you notice that I noticed?
The notice there upon the wall
I noticed, that you noticed
That the notice is very small
Beneath the notice is another notice
Imprinted upon the wall
It reads:
“I noticed, that you’ve noticed that you’re looking at the wall”

To understand this notice
You must notice that its there
But I noticed from your slack jawed look
That you did not really care

So in turn…

I have removed the notice
You may have noticed
The one that was sitting upon the wall
I noticed, did you notice
It has left a shape upon the wall
A noticeable mark, from where a notice once was,
A parking space for the next noticeable notice

To be noticed upon the wall


does this seem better..