Lose interest in girls as soon as anything happens

LegacyUser

Basically I went out with a group of mates and some other people who I didnt know a while ago. I got on great with this one girl and we gave each others phone numbers and stayed in touch alot and are now going out together.

Problem is, now I dont want to. Prior to being a 'couple' officially I thought she was a good looking girl (although not what I prefer exactly in terms of looks) and a good laugh and really nice. But now I find myself being only slightly attracted to her physically and thinking shes 'too nice', even though I hate bitchy girls. This happened the last couple of times I went out with someone; thought they were attractive and good craic, but lost interest very fast when we started going out. I dont know why, its not like I can pick up any girl I want whenever I go out with my mates or anything, but I still feel like Im tieing myself down or something, and the last time I went out with a girl we were together for nearly a year, during which I wasnt that interested and (despite my efforts) she was really upset when we broke up, which I dont want to do to another person.

Do most other lads feel like this or what? Will I grow out of it, Im 21 and in college.

Ruu_Old

Everyone is different in what they want in a relationship. Me personally, I wanted someone to care for me as I had plenty to give back, I got that and now I'm happy. I reckon you just still want your freedom to move around as you please. What do you want for the future, or do you know yet? You are still plenty young.

airetam_storm

Its a bit silly to date a girl for a year that you didnt really have interest in, i assume she got quite attached to you in that time, dont let sufficient time pass for this girl to do the same.
What is it you look for in a girl as a matter of interest?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Im kinda like you Ruu from the point of view that I have no problem showing affection or things like that, and I like having a girlfriend to recieve that back from. And Im not interested in one-night stands or havin sex with people I hardly know or stuff like that. I dont know why I get like this, but it ALWAYS happens. Maybe it is just some sub-concious thing that I dont wanna lose my freedom to 'move around' if I wanted or Im worried about having less time to spend with my mates or something. As for the future, I like the idea of 'settling down' and having a family sometime in the future after Iv finished college and have a steady job, etc.

airetam_storm: reason I went out with her so long was because she started it off with me and I didnt have strong feelings for her but I thought theyd gradually develop and Id get over this thing I have about not wanting relationships, but it didnt and I did feel really bad about it (and Im very very conscientious about not doing that again to someone else). Girls I generally like are ones that are easy to talk to, good laugh and nice, which is what the girls Iv been with are like...

Mojito

Ruu wrote:

Everyone is different in what they want in a relationship. Me personally, I wanted someone to care for me as I had plenty to give back, I got that and now I'm happy. I reckon you just still want your freedom to move around as you please. What do you want for the future, or do you know yet? You are still plenty young.

Yeah I have to agree with Ruu on this.

I was seeing a girl who I had strong feelings for and I knew I was starting to fall in love with her but I wasn't getting the same feeling back from her so I just started to lose interest and we ended up breaking up, we're still good friends. I think she still wanted her freedom to move about as she pleased.

Sad Professor

Maybe you just don't want to be in a relationship. I'm 23 and the idea of being tied down to a person or job is terrifying. It could also just be the reverse of wanting what you can't have. In other words, you liked this girl before you knew you could have her and now that you do -- you've lost interest.

I'm kinda like that anyway. Mostly I just don't want a relationship but like everyone else I seem to be socially programmed to think i should.

Hugh Hefner

Seems to me that you were slightly luke warm from the beginning; you admit that she wasn't exactly your perfect woman. Maybe, and I know this is generally considered bad advice, but maybe you should try and be a bit more selective in the people that you start relationships with. I'm suggesting that you have your flings here and there, one night stand or what have you, but only begin to date those girls who you know in your heart you're happy with in every way.

There's nothing wrong with being choosy - it's good to know what you want - but it's when you start to deny these initial feelings and worries (in this case that she wasn't your preference in looks) that you'll end up in situations that are uncomfortable and may ultimately hurt either or both of you.

Kell

Hugh Hefner wrote:

maybe you should try and be a bit more selective in the people that you start relationships with.

but only begin to date those girls who you know in your heart you're happy with in every way.

Applause.

Hugh Hefner wrote:

I know this is generally considered bad advice

Its not bad advice at all. Its incredibly sound advice. Far too many people "find" themselves in a relationship as opposed to "wanting" one. The relationship might seem like a good idea at the time because you have nothing better to do and most dont like being on their tod romantically for extended periods of time.

I think thats why people stay in dysfunctinal relationships too- fear of being on their own.

K-

Black Swan

OP: Everyone is unique. You are young and not prepared to settle down just yet. So enjoy your freedom and explore this world you find yourself in.:cool:

monkey tennis

Unregr195 wrote:

Do most other lads feel like this or what? Will I grow out of it, Im 21 and in college.

Pretty average behaviour for a bloke in his early twenties tbh. Your attitude will probably change as you get older, don't worry about it for now.

Unregr195 wrote:

she was really upset when we broke up, which I dont want to do to another person

In future, if you get together with someone make sure they know that you want it to be casual at first. If you get bored shortly afterward, then it's not like you're suddenly dropping them.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. Very good points made by you all, thanks. I really dont know what to do though. I dont know whether to keep going out with her for a while and see if something does develop because I actually do have some physical attraction to her and shes a really nice girl, great craic and I enjoy her company. But like I said, last thing I want is to end up hurting her because I felt like **** for ages after the last girl I was with, and as it is I feel kinda luke-warm about the whole thing because I always seem to get like this about relationships, although I like the idea of having a girlfriend... weird.

Its still early days in with her, so what if I discuss this with her and so on (in a nice way, of course), so if things dont really work out a few months from now and then if we do break up it might be easier on both of us and she wont be too upset? Or will that give out a bad impression or something, like Im already preparing to let her know I dont want to be with her? Anybody got any better suggestions, please? Thanks

marie_85

I'm exactly the same as the OP. I'd love to be in a relationship, but every time I go out on a date etc or meet a fella, I lose interest pretty quickly. I don't know whether it's because I don't want to get tied down or whether subconsciously I don't want to get hurt or something. But without fail, the same thing always happens. I can be mad about somebody and as soon as I have them I don't want them anymore. I'm like a spoiled child. I'm hoping I grow out of this. I tried to be less picky about who I went out with on dates and that, but that didn't work. And I don't think it's possible for me to be more picky than I am. I guess I'm just hoping that everything will fall into place when the right guy comes along.