A few old ones

Trinity

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mar today Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
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LIFE OR DEATH!!!!!!!!1

> Scenario:
>
> You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
> valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same
> speed as you.
>
> In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
> and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at
> ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling
> at the same speed as you.
>
> What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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> Answer:
>
> Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.>

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Billy Connolly on retirement

What do retired people do all day?
> > >>
> > >>Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
> > >>make their days interesting.
> > >>
> > >>Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into
> > >>a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out
> > >>there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and
> > >>said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f*****
> > >>break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called
> > >>him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another
> > >>ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a s---head. He
> > >>finished
> > >>the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then
> > >>he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
> > >>minutes.
> > >>The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I
> > >>didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun
> > >>each
> > >>day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age..........

TerrorFirmer

That last one is better when it reads "I didn't care, it wasn't my car"

Kojak

Ha.