Driving / Driving Test Jokes

Irish Salfordia

I am always looking for good CLEAN jokes that are anything to do with driving or the driving test. I have a driving school website with a section on 'Driving Humour' and always need more jokes to add.

Anyone out there with any???????????????:D

Tom Dunne

Did you hear the one about the man who applied to do his driving test and had to wait 18 months?

Oh wait, that's not a joke, it's a fact. Sorry, wrong forum.

Capt'n Midnight

Or the one about the Driving Instructor who didn't need a license because the learner was on their second provisional ?

What is like, you see those L cars from the Driving schools and like they claim 90% test passes, when barely 50% pass the test, do they think we can't do percentages or something ?

Or the ROI Driving Instructor who couldn't work up north because they didn't have 3 years full license and passed separate test to become an instructor.


In the UK
Second fastest fail was 3 seconds, reversed into a wall.
Fastest fail was caused by blowing the horn before the test started, in a built up area..

Irish Salfordia

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

Fastest fail was caused by blowing the horn before the test started, in a built up area..

They must do later tests in the U.K. . Here it is only illegal to blow the horn in a built up area during the hours of 11.30pm to 7 am

Capt'n Midnight

Hey they were jokes !

But all this stuff below is a joke for learners or instructers down south


But how about these for mad rules

As of June 1987, people passing their driving test are ‘on probation’ for two years. A total of six or more penalty points during that time will mean they have to go back to learner status, apply for a provisional licence and take the test again.

Any vehicle driven by a learner driver MUST display red L plates. Plates MUST conform to legal specifications and MUST be clearly visible to others from in front of the vehicle and from behind. Plates should be removed or covered when not being driven by a learner (except on driving school vehicles).

The maximum speed limit for vehicles displaying L plates is 45 mph, except goods vehicles, buses and coaches on a motorway.

For a practical driving test, ... , if you book and pay for your test over the phone, you can choose a suitable date and test centre. You will usually have to wait around six weeks for your test.

After passing the driving test for a motor car or motorcycle, you must display amber ‘R’ plates for a period of one year from the date of passing the test.

The maximum permitted speed for any vehicle displaying R plates is 45 mph, irrespective of whether or not the vehicle is being driven by a restricted driver.


More Mad Stuff

An accompanying driver must
* have held a full EC/EEA driving licence for at least three years for the category of vehicle being driven
* be at least 21 years of age.

If you are paying someone to teach you to drive, they must be approved and registered with the Driving Standards Agency (DSA). Only a registered approved driving instructor (ADI) can charge money for teaching you to drive.
A fully qualified approved driving instructor (ADI) must display a green certificate on the windscreen of the car while teaching you. Some trainee driving instructors are granted a licence so they can gain experience before their qualifying examination. In this case, the trainee driving instructor must display a pink certificate on the windscreen.
DSA is responsible for maintaining and checking the standards of all approved driving instructors (ADI), who to qualify must:
* have held a full driving licence for at least four years
* pass a much tougher theory test than the one learner drivers take
* pass a strict driving test
* reach and keep up a high standard of instruction. The standard of tuition given by the ADI is regularly checked by a supervising examiner from DSA
* be registered with DSA
* display an ADI identification certificate on the windscreen of the tuition vehicle



refs include http://www.dvlni.gov.uk/drivers/learndrive_Rplates.htm

This is one is a beaut..
http://www.dvtani.gov.uk/uploads/practicaltest/Top10faults.pdf - Have a look at reason # 10 for failing driving tests :eek:

10. Normal Driving

Rudolph Claus

Irish Salfordia wrote:

I am always looking for good CLEAN jokes that are anything to do with driving or the driving test. I have a driving school website with a section on 'Driving Humour' and always need more jokes to add.

Anyone out there with any???????????????:D

Sure the entire driving test waiting time is a fookin joke. Are you a geeky tester by any chance?? Link us to your little site there.

Irish Salfordia

Nuttzy wrote:

Are you a geeky tester by any chance?? Link us to your little site there.

No I am not a tester, just a humble instructor doin my best

Can't give you a link to my site cos that would be advertising, wouldn't it and i don't want to get thrown off the board.

But hint - what does the car do when you press the right hand side pedal?? Check out that answer on google and you might get me. Happy hunting

Irish Salfordia

1. Sean was checking that his car was up to scratch for taking his driving test. He asked his friend Murph to stand at the back of the car and make sure his indicator lights were working. He turned them on and called to Murph "are they working ok?" Murph called back "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No"
2. Q. What is the most dangerous part of a car?
   A. The 'NUT' holding the wheel

Can you do better?

Let's hear them

Irish Salfordia

Not getting much feedback of driving or driving test jokes, thought all you boardsers would have loads.

The only two half decent test jokes i heard were:-

• A middle aged lady took a corner too wide and fast in her test. The tester said "you need to move over closer", so she did
• At the end of a test in england one pupil got out of the car and said loudly "phew, thank goodness that's over and i don't have to drive like that again" - he failed!!

Would really love to hear some good drving jokes

The_Magoo

Hear about the fella who failed as he drove out of the test centre. As he came out of the gate he asked the tester
"howya on the left there boss?"

biko

This is best spoken but here goes: When my grandad took his driving test the instructor asked "Can you make a U turn"?. My grandad replied "I can make her eyes pop"!

U = ewe

Capt'n Midnight

This one's for Taxi drivers and some SUV drivers,

http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/ZZSI294Y1964.html

23.—(1) Whenever a driver intends to slow down, stop or alter course, he shall either give a hand signal in accordance with the following Table or give a signal by using a direction indicator or stop lamp :

So when your hazard lights are on and obscure your indicatiors you must then use hand signals.


Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

google for the magic roundabout
http://www.texaschapbookpress.com/magellanslog58/trafficcircle.jpg

Capt'n Midnight

http://www.anonymouspundit.com/blog/archives/Dutch%20Driving%20Test%202.jpg

RiderOnTheStorm

a bit long, but I thought it was good...........

A guy is hitchhiking one dark and stormy night in the middle of nowhere. Lashing rain, miserable and tired, he has been standing on a small lonely road for ages. Then, out of dark comes a car, silently and slowly. It has no lights on and stops beside him. Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, he opens passenger door and jumps in, just glad to be out of the elements. As the car moves off, he notices that there is noone else in the car. He is worried to say the least! He gets more worried when the car comes to a corner and there is a sheer drop. Just as he is beginning to panic, a hand appears from the drivers side and grabs the steering wheel and turns it. The car safely navigates the corner, and the hand disappears. The guy doesnt know what to make of this ghost car and the spooky hand, but its a lift and the weather is dire. Soon after, the car comes to another corner and there is a stone wall ahead. Again, at the last minute, the hand appears and steers the car safely around it.
The guy can stand no more close calls, and at the next safe straight section, he opens the door and jumps out. He legs it off into the night and doesnt stop running until he comes to a small town. He races into the bar and orders a double brandy to steady his nerves. The barman asks whats wrong, and the guy tells the story of the ghost car appearing from the dark, and the spooky hand that steers it. A crowd gathers about the guy as he tells his supernatural tale, and noone notices as 2 more men enter the pub.
"look Mick," says one, "there is the ungratefull fecker that got into the car while we were trying to push start it!"

Irish Salfordia

Thanks captain & rider, those last 2 were ok.

As winter is approaching, [not that we get too much snow in Ireland] i like this oldie:-

Sean & Sinead were listening to the weather forecast and heard a snow warning " we expect 8 - 10 cms of snow today, please park all cars on the left hand side of the road to allow the snowplough to get through". Sinead got up and moved her car accross the road.
A few days later came another snow warning "we expect 10 - 12 cms of snow today, please park all cars on the right had side of the road to allow the snow plough to get through". Sinead again got up and moved her car.
Another few days went by and the radio broadcast yet another snow warning, "we are expecting 12 - 14 cms of snow today, please park all cars on the ~~~~~~~". The radio had gone dead. Sinead looked ever so worried at Sean and said, "I don't know where to park the car to let the snow plough through".
Sean replied "why not just leave it in the garage"

RiderOnTheStorm

how does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work?


thats supposed to be the joke in itself, but in case you worry about these things (as I do) the answer is

he goes to the snow plough the night before and spends the night in it!

A one eyed man is driving down the motorway and the car in front spins and crashes into a bridge, he stops to see if he can help but the driver is already dead.

Forever the opportunist! he takes one of the victims eyes out and replaces it with his glass eye, then he goes to the hospital and gets the eye implanted, he now has 20.20 vision.

One year later he is driving down the same motorway and sees a policeman asking for information about the accident the previous year.

Curious he stops and asks "whats the story" the policeman told him about the crash... and when he explains that they are baffled as to how he managed to drive 300 miles with TWO glass eyes.....

Irish Salfordia

Talking about death......

I liked the one about the passenger in a taxi
She tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something
He screamed, lost control of the cab, just missed crashing into a bus, drove up on the pavement and screeched to a stop just centimetres from a plate glass shop window.

Everything went deathly silent for a few minutes, finally the driver spoke and said, "please don't ever do that again, you scared the daylights out of me". The passenger, who was also terrified said "I'm sorry, I didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder would frighten you so much".

To this the taxi driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's not really your fault, Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years" !!

Car Mad

Irish Salfordia wrote:

Talking about death......

I liked the one about the passenger in a taxi
She tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something
He screamed, lost control of the cab, just missed crashing into a bus, drove up on the pavement and screeched to a stop just centimetres from a plate glass shop window.

Everything went deathly silent for a few minutes, finally the driver spoke and said, "please don't ever do that again, you scared the daylights out of me". The passenger, who was also terrified said "I'm sorry, I didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder would frighten you so much".

To this the taxi driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's not really your fault, Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years" !!

lol thats a good one

Q, Who did the learner driver open the door?

A, To let out the clutch.



Q, Why did the traffic light stay on red?

A, Because it was too shy to change in public.


A little old lady takes her car into a garage, she explains that she can only drive about ten miles and then the car shuddered to a stop.

The mechanic took the car for several long jouneys and never had a problem.

He returned the car to the woman, she got in and then the mechanic noticed her pull out the choke and hang her handbag on it!!

Asked why, she said it's the "handbag handle" she always uses it.

Irish Salfordia

Deleted User wrote:

Q, Who did the learner driver open the door?

A, To let out the clutch.



Q, Why did the traffic light stay on red?

A, Because it was too shy to change in public.


A little old lady takes her car into a garage, she explains that she can only drive about ten miles and then the car shuddered to a stop.

The mechanic took the car for several long jouneys and never had a problem.

He returned the car to the woman, she got in and then the mechanic noticed her pull out the choke and hang her handbag on it!!

Asked why, she said it's the "handbag handle" she always uses it.

Thanks, a couple of oldies but goodies. Be careful though female jokes of any description cause problems

Maeve phoned Darren. "Hi, can you come and pick me up. The car has broken down, the spark plugs are wet and the thing won't start". Darren was confused and said, "Maeve how do you know the spark plugs are wet, you wouldn't know a spark plug from a cow". Maeve replied, "I heard you say the spark plugs are under the bonnet, so they must be wet". Darren asked, "where are you". Maeve replied, "in the pond in the park, and the car is in here with me"!!!!!!!

Capt'n Midnight

Maeve phoned Darren. "I've flooded the engine" etc.

technix

Hi,
I'm a new user, and thought this driving test joke may amuse, if you haven't heard it before

A driver taking his test passed through a forest. As they got deeper into the forest, a SNAKE dropped from a tree on to the car's bonnet.
The driver said to the tester, " Oh golly, Oh gosh, Oh my word !' (he was a very posh Brit), " Did you see that SNAKE?"
The tester said "Don't worry about that, it was only a 'Vindscreen Viper'.

Feral Mutant

A guy is driving down a road. He gets to a bit where there are two priests on the side of the road yelling and waving signs saying "Turn back now, The end is nigh". He speeds past yelling "Get away from me you crazy religious nuts". A moment later the priests hear a scream and a crash. One looks to the other and says "Maybe the signs should just say bridge out ahead".

biko

A penguin on holiday is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first filling station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Badum tisch

carpenoctem

I always liked this joke:

IRISH ROAD RULES

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Irish driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with WW, MO or MH plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the motorway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ireland during rush hour.

8. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

9. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ireland is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert!

10. It is tradition in Ireland to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

11. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windscreen right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

12. Remember that the goal of every Irish driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

13. Remember this simple rule - Green for go, Amber for go, Red for proceed with caution.

14. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

carpenoctem

Feral Mutant wrote:

A guy is driving down a road. He gets to a bit where there are two priests on the side of the road yelling and waving signs saying "Turn back now, The end is nigh". He speeds past yelling "Get away from me you crazy religious nuts". A moment later the priests hear a scream and a crash. One looks to the other and says "Maybe the signs should just say bridge out ahead".

Hehehe, I really enjoyed this one!