Damaged by divorce?

jrey1981

As someone whose parents divorced, I have noticed that I and others I have met whose parents also divorced tend to be a bit more emotionally messed up when it comes to relationships.

I could be entirely wrong and it could be my subjective point of view and down to other factors like personalities, etc., but I dont think this theory is anything new.

Is this the norm and is there any way to fix this?

It is something I am well aware of in my own psychology, and I am starting to wonder if it is something that I cannot really do anything about.

I am reluctant to go into specifics, but I would be interested to know if others are also aware of this and how they deal with it.

Black Swan

Divorce in and of itself does not guarantee that you are "damaged" or anything of the sort. Everyone is unique, and their experiences with the two divorced parents are unique. For example, some split couples continue to take their responsibilities as parents very seriously, whereas others at the other end of the extreme don't. I have a friend in the States who is from a divorced family, and it appears that she now has a larger, more extended family (with more people who care about her). It's actually turned out to be a good thing for her.

Nevyn

I would suggest having a chat with your Gp and getting a referal to talk to a professional about how you feel this is effecting you.

metrovelvet

How is a GP can I ask going to help someone through their parents divorce? A GP can refer to a psychiatrist, this is not a psychiatric problem.

And OP its hard to generalise although I would say that kids of divorce have had to deal with more loss earlier in life, have probably had to witness their parents heartbreak, and that eldest kids bear the brunt of responsibility when one of the parents leaves - they become the shoulder to cry on - the babysitter-the one to take out the garbage.

And of course having two birthdays, two Christmas' , divided summers, etc etc. Yeah it isnt easy.

But really as an adult it can give you a strength and richness. Everyones issues are different. My parents divorce taught me how to be manipulative as a child [because I had to be to survive in that craziness of game playing and exploiting a child's loyalty], so as an adult I had to unlearn that, and learn that I dont have to manipulate for things that I deserve in the first place. So, it taught me ultimately to be upfront and direct about what I want. Thats just an example. Its in incredibly complex question that you are asking and there isnt one answer.

I dont know if it messes people up emotionally anymore than living in a house with married parents who are emotionally divorced or always killing each other.

jrey1981

Thanks for the feedback. I did consider getting a referral to a counsellor earlier in the year, but I think it might help me more if I read something on the subject when I have more time, so if anyone has any suggestions...

I realise it is a complex subject. I have read Oliver James's book, They F**k You Up, which was insightful.

metrovelvet

Its really hard to recommend a book without you saying more. What exactly is your issue?

LundiMardi

my parents aren't divorced, but seperated when i was 11... I was happy about it, well, not originally, my mother told me she was leaving, so obviously i cried etc etc... But in general, i was happy, cos there would be no more fights, i didn't have to worry about my mother and father going out for drinks, and coming back arguing etc etc.. So i was happy about that... But i haven't really had a relationship with my father since.

How has it effected my view on relationships? Well, i don't have unhealthy views that i know of.... Marriage however, makes no sense to me...

So yeah... i dunno

Nevyn

metrovelvet wrote:

How is a GP can I ask going to help someone through their parents divorce? A GP can refer to a psychiatrist, this is not a psychiatric problem.

All gps have a list of the local cousellors and can and will do referals.