Being with M8 is (apparently) Soul Destroying

LegacyUser

I have this mate that I visited in the UK last week. She is a real beauty, long blond hair, great body, big boobs, clear skin an all round stunner, O and she is also a nice person.

Then you have me, I am petite and cute brunette with a good body and to some people I am also a beauty but not in a really obvious way. Basically my mate had guys falling over her this weekend (as she always does) everywhere we went they would comment on her looks and stare at her. I did not get a look in, as I never do these days when we are together. I find myself now resenting her for her looks even tho she is just lucky to be that way.

I think why I am so bothered by it more so than usual is cause a girl in the loo's said "It must be Soul Destroying being mates with her." I now think people feel sorry for me being in her company or think "god she must hate being her friend" and quite frankly I am starting to feel that way.

Am I being really shallow?? I think lots of others would feel this way and I am now lacking self confidence and I dont wanna be in her company anymore. When I also had the (bottle) blond hair I got equal amounts of attention so I think maybe the world the shallow not me. How am I supposed to cope with this and not destroy our friendship over it???

Beruthiel

AmIshallow? wrote:

Am I being really shallow?

Yes
You are.

Zulu

You sound like a real good friend! :rolleyes:

BoozyBabe

Give the girl a break.

She has said nor done anything wrong.
She's just explaining how she feels, & I think it's perfectly understandable.

I've a drop dead gorgeous sis, & well I'm the ugly duckling of the family, & it can get you really down being in company like that, where it's as if you're invisible while with these people.
All the OP is saying is that she doesn't like being invisible, who does??????

juanjo

So a stunning girl shouldn't have friends, or only supermodels, cos of being stunning? that's shallow, selfish and cruel. I don't wanna be your friend.

We men love to have good looking friends around because that way we'll have more girls around>more chances to score. Simple, yet effective.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

You sound jealous & bitter - not sure about shallow. People are always going to give attention to good looking people, that is not your friends fault so I don't know why you are taking it out on her or considering leaving the friendship because of it.

You need to sort out your own insecurities instead of transferring them onto your friend so you can see past her looks & any attention she gets for them as being attention you are being deprived of.

If I sit down & think about it I have very good-looking friends, exceptionally funny friends, etc, etc but I don't think about them having something more than me or they are better than me, I have different attributes. Best of luck.

Nickibaby*

I think it's natural to feel a bit down when all the attention is on someone else and not you. It's human nature I don't think your shallow!

You should work on your own self confidence though because it shouldn't matter to you what attention she is getting.

You said 'when I had my hair dyed I got the same attention', maybe you were confident back then and that is why people found you attractive - not because you had your hair dyed.

Or if you think you would like to have the attention you had when you had your hair dyed, dye it again! Problem solved

Beruthiel

BoozyBabe wrote:

it can get you really down being in company like that

Why?
In fairness, that says more about your lack of self confidence than anything else. You are only as invisible as you allow yourself to be.

Evil Phil

AmIshallow? wrote:

"It must be Soul Destroying being mates with her."

I must be soul destroying losing a good friend because of your looks. Think of it that way, she might be really hurt if you stop being friends with her because of this. Maybe you should tell her you feel a little *invisible* around her and see what she says. She might be able to help send some of the attention your way, she might be glad to get a break from having her big boobs stared at!

I was told me recently that really good looking people come across as shallow or vapid because they never get the chance to develop socially as interaction with others isn't based on primarily on their personality.

delop

AmIshallow? wrote:

Basically my mate had guys falling over her this weekend (as she always does) everywhere we went they would comment on her looks and stare at her. I did not get a look in, as I never do these days when we are together.

I wonder if you are being shallow towards men, There are probably plenty of guys out there giving you the side eye, but your too busy watching whats happening to your friend :-)

Whats that old saying about the beauty being inside, bla bla, and if you werent thinking those negative thoughts then the spotlight would be on you...

It like being chatted up while in a relationship, always loads of offers but when Single 0 Offers, nothing to do with Hair cuts/colours

Black Swan

OP: Have you seen the film, "American Beauty?" It was discovered late in the film that the girl who was getting all the attention was worried that she, although beautiful, was boring. I don't know any girl who doesn't worry about something. Are my ankles too thick? Are my breasts large enough? Like my flatmate, for example. She is beautiful, has a grand personality, has no problem getting dates, but worries that her nose, which is ever so slightly larger than mine, makes her less attractive. Geeeeeeeeeez! You have to get a grip and realise that you are unique. There is no one exactly like you on planet Earth. This makes you precious, not only to your attractive friend, but to any guy worth having.

Miguel_Sanchez

Here's a view from the other perspective:

Years ago I was going out with a girl who looked pretty much like the OP's friend. She used to tell me things that her friends would do/say - like if three of them were walking down the street one of them would never walk beside her. They used to make her feel like it was her fault she looked the way she did and that she was deliberately distracting attention away from them. For the few years I knew her friends of hers would inevitably start acting odd about how she looked and making her feel bad for being better looking. She used to get abuse from girls in clubs/pubs sometimes just because guys they were chatting up were paying more attention to her.

Personally I think some girls make it all about looks between their friends. Guys, on the otherhand, if they have a mate who always has girls hanging off him would probably see it as a blessing - they've got girls coming to them - there's only so many one guy can handle so they by association get chatting to loads of girls.

So OP - I would say that while how you're feeling may be understandable to many I'm afraid you are being shallow. It's not her fault that she's better looking than you. She's not doing it to spite you or anything. So just think about it from this perspective: if guys come over to chat to your friend while you're out, they're going to chat to you too. And believe it or not - some guys actually care about girl's personalities as well as their looks.

BoozyBabe

Beruthiel wrote:

Why?
In fairness, that says more about your lack of self confidence than anything else. You are only as invisible as you allow yourself to be.

No, generally I couldn't give a toss tbh, no offence to my sis, but she abuses the position her looks put her in, & generally treats people like crap, which people can see after a very short space of time.
I, on the other hand, am a very nice person (if I do say so myself), & most people generally prefer me to her after the initial getting to know you time.

Anyway, that's neither hear nor there. I'm not hung up on my looks. I could be a lot more *attractive* if I was bothered enough to make an effort, I think there's a lot more important things to life than all that.

My point simply was:- that sometimes (even me) you can feel down about youself, about your looks, & in general just be low in self confidence (as the OP seems to be). Sitting beside this God-Like creature is only going to make you feel worse when no one notices you at all because you are beside her.

I'm not saying that's right, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the OP's friend for being so beautiful, I'm just saying I can understand how the OP feels.

But yes, the OP should definitely have a good look at herself, & see all the good qualities about herself, because you can be sure as hell there are somethings about the OP that her friend is envious of.

Marksie

It does somewhat say something about what you feel inside that you should let this interfere with a friendship.

A real stunner once said to me years ago that men only saw one thing in her and not who she was.

Attraction is made up of both looks and inner charm and well being. As you have said, you are a beauty in your own way, dont forget night clubs and pubs are false anyway.
Your envy may be showing, but do you stand around on the fringes or do you participate?
Then again what are you looking for..flirting/ attention or someone to actually be with? if its the latter all you need is one!

If its the former and you feel threatened by her beauty then dont put yourself in a situation where such comparisons matter.
one could say that if you want to be really shallow, only go out with friends who are less attractive than you, if you want the attention

LegacyUser

envy's a pretty bad trait, especially in a so called friend

dr.bollocko

Its a strange mystique I have noticed in female friendships in late high school / early college. There often seems to be this pretty / ugly mindset where one friend takes the lead role as pretty, and the other becomes a submissive anonymous friend. I am not making a generalisation here, just stating that this type of relationship is very common. And because only one person can be the pretty person, no matter how the other looks she takes on that submissive role. So I guess now, with a more adult view of things, you are rebelling against that role, but in a very childish way. You know you really shouldnt worry what your friends look like, and as soon as you stop worrying about your friend, the next thing will be your weight, or your ankles, or your top, or your shoes, or do your clothes match, is your make-up smudged and the ubiquitous does my bum look big in this.

We all have our own insecurities, but its not your friends fault. ha. dont hate her cos shes beautiful *snap**snap*
Just accept that its really something that you should, as a rational adult, be ok with, even if you dont feel ok about it. u will be surprised at how much easier that is to accept. Failing the adult acceptance, you could always stick a kick me sign on her.

dublinlawyer

She is a real beauty, long blond hair, great body, big boobs, clear skin an all round stunner, O and she is also a nice person.Then you have me, I am petite and cute brunette with a good body and to some people I am also a beauty but not in a really obvious way.
I prefer girls with black hair and not too tall myself. So beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Basically my mate had guys falling over her this weekend (as she always does) everywhere we went they would comment on her looks and stare at her.
A certain amount of attention is nice for a girl Im sure but to have guys falling over you all weekend all weekend is hardly the holy grail.

How am I supposed to cope with this and not destroy our friendship over it
I would say shift your priorities. Sure - make an effort to look good and when you walk out the door and know that you look hot. After that people can take it or leave it cause you know youre hot. But remember you are not just an object. Try and enjoy yourself when you go out. Have stimulating conversation. Dance. Shift your focus. And soon you wont notice how many guys came up to as compared to you.
I say all this cause though I look well I think, there are some friends I simply cant compete with on the nightclub scene in terms of pulling. So I had to get used to this. But there are things that I can top them at and thats good enough for me.

bug

AmIshallow? wrote:

I have this mate that I visited in the UK last week. She is a real beauty, long blond hair, great body, big boobs, clear skin an all round stunner, O and she is also a nice person.

Then you have me, I am petite and cute brunette with a good body and to some people I am also a beauty but not in a really obvious way. Basically my mate had guys falling over her this weekend (as she always does) everywhere we went they would comment on her looks and stare at her. I did not get a look in, as I never do these days when we are together. I find myself now resenting her for her looks even tho she is just lucky to be that way.

I think why I am so bothered by it more so than usual is cause a girl in the loo's said "It must be Soul Destroying being mates with her." I now think people feel sorry for me being in her company or think "god she must hate being her friend" and quite frankly I am starting to feel that way.

Most normal people dont think those things thank god.
Sorry, not normal...what I meant was - most people who arent as shallow as a paddling pool dont think those things.

Am I being really shallow??

yes.

I think lots of others would feel this way and I am now lacking self confidence and I dont wanna be in her company anymore.

So the issue is really your self confidence rather than her being good looking.

Do you actually really value her friendship? ie. Is she really a mate as such, or more someone you see as a person go out on the pull with.
Because from what you've said, you dont qualify as this girls mate.

When I also had the (bottle) blond hair I got equal amounts of attention so I think maybe the world the shallow not me. How am I supposed to cope with this and not destroy our friendship over it???

Die your hair blonde so you get equal amounts of attention. Buy a copy of heat magazine, and live your life by it.:rolleyes:

Trinity

Hey OP

It sounds like you need to take a look at yourself and how you feel about you.

Granted you may think she is a stunner but you can be sure she has insecurities of her own.

a lot of people (well that i know) go through this but hating being her friend is a tad Over the top in my opinion what you hate is that you are not her.

i am sure she is not perfect and i am sure there are things about you that she admires.

Beruthiel has a good point - you are only as invisible as you allow yourself to be.

I have heard it said time and time again that sometimes the sexiest woman in the room is not always necessarily the most attractive, its the one that holds herself up high and is comfortable in her own skin and confident.

WOrk on your own confidence.

If she is as nice as you say - then work on yourself and dont lose a friend over your lack of self esteem.

Seraphina

i've a friend like that too. she's not your typical blonde bombshell, but she's cute, friendly and flirty, has a brain in her head and can hold a conversation. i'm not sure i know too many guys that haven't fallen for her at some stage or another.
it doesn't bother me at all, when we're out together, we're always getting eyed up, i think its a great laugh. at the end of the day she's a great mate, and despite her ability to pull any guy she wants (which she doesn't actually believe at all) she's still totally down to earth and great fun to be around.
its probably not quite the same though, as i suppose its a different kind of good looks. she's not the kind of girl that would have every tom dick and harry leering at her, she has a more... refined look i guess...:p

smk135

I have had that kind of reactions from girls so many times, so yes you are being shallow, selfish, self centered and self-pitying. I love the way people automatically think that "ugly" people are obviously going to be nicer people than so called "pretty people", it's a load of **** and it makes it really hard on a lot of girls, along with the bitchiness it's really hard to swallow sometimes. then, if a girl wants to get away from the girly bitchiness, and hangs around with guys, she'll be considered a slut, and a danger to all other girl's bf.

and it's egotistical girls like you that make this jealousy **** happen. get over yourself.

Sam Vimes

smk135 wrote:

I have had that kind of reactions from girls so many times, so yes you are being shallow, selfish, self centered and self-pitying. I love the way people automatically think that "ugly" people are obviously going to be nicer people than so called "pretty people", it's a load of **** and it makes it really hard on a lot of girls, along with the bitchiness it's really hard to swallow sometimes. then, if a girl wants to get away from the girly bitchiness, and hangs around with guys, she'll be considered a slut, and a danger to all other girl's bf.

and it's egotistical girls like you that make this jealousy **** happen. get over yourself.

to be fair, its a lot more common for very pretty girls to be bitches simply because they can get away with it. its just another form of abuse of power and its human nature. it takes a big person to be given power over people and not abuse it.


and that's not to say all ugly girls are nice. i've met some real mongrels who are also horrible people. now they're going nowhere in life

Miguel_Sanchez

Just another thought about this whole issue - OP, you say that you think this could ruin your friendship with this girl. But if you really think about it, it's just one thing. She gets more attention than you do in nightclubs - is that really such a big deal? Is this your only goal in life, to get guys to want you? I doubt it.

Peopl head out for a night all the time and don't get any attention from the opposite sex, they don't see the night as a waste. Personally if I was out and a friend of mine was getting chatted by a girl I'd be happy for him - I wouldn't mope around thinking "Why him? Why not me?"

There has to be more to your friendship with this girl than just going out to clubs. When you're sitting around having coffee or watching movies or just hanging out are you still worried about her being better looking than you?

Re-examine your friendship with this thought in mind - scoring with the opposite sex or getting chatted up by them isn't the be all and end all of everything.

beefa

Don't worry OP often people whom we think are fabulous are actually just the same crumbling mess as we are underneath, if anything you can take solace in that:)

Evil Phil wrote:

I was told me recently that really good looking people come across as shallow or vapid because they never get the chance to develop socially as interaction with others isn't based on primarily on their personality.

I would seriously disagree with this stereotypical statement, it seems quite a narrow viewpoint, for example what about people who are em, ahem, less than good looking, and they carry their beauty hangups around with like greviances, their no barrell of laughs either.