i'm an idiot

flyingdagger

i needed to write this down,feel physically ill.Posted a while back about a guy i was seeing for a few months.Though we had gotten close,despite some rows.Over the past week and half he barely contacted me,so stupidly i txted/im'ed him,basically chased after him.He decided he wanted 'space'(the boy has a HUGE amount of issues and emotional baggage),which turned into he was ending things.Via email.

I just wanted a face to face closure/goodbye.Went out to his area this evening with some stuff of his to give back and hoped that he would at least have the courtesy to say goodbye/say its finished to my face.I walked up to the house,and saw him through the window curled up on the couch with another woman.When i called to say i'd left the stuff outside his door and could he at least come out to finish things/say goodbye/have the decency to end things like an adult,he answered and let rip that he didn't want to hear from me,that i was acting like a stalker etc.Felt like he was almost playing up the situation for the benefit of whoever she was.

I'm so upset.Is it me being old fashioned but is it not really cruel to end things via a bloody email?Jesus does it make me a 'stalker' to want a dignified end to something that i though was decent.Just feel like an idiot for running after him and sick to my stomach that i didn't just walk away after the email

Sangre

Yes, that is quite stalkery.

flyingdagger

so you think he did the right thing by breaking up with me via an email?

Sangre

Who decides what is right?

autofanticide

I went through something similair, not excactly the same but, I understand. Its horrible when you're in a different place completely to someone else but it happens.

Don't feel like a stalker, I don't think there was anything weird about what you did. If you think it was the decent good thing to do, then be glad that you did it.

Don't regret running after him, cause you did what you thought was right, and you lost nothing because it's over anyway. So be happy that you're not with someone who'd break up with someone via email and then treat you like that.

Oh and you're not an idiot.

Santa Claus

Breaking up via email was cowardly, but are you sure you went out there to hear it face to face or did a small part of you want to get back together ? (we all at some stage or another hope that an ex will change their mind and rekindle something).

Have nothing more to do with him !

SingingCherry

No, it wasn't stalkerish at all and he is a child. You don't want to be with someone who is willing to break up with you OVER EMAIL. That's a massive sign of immaturity along with cowardice. Forget about him.

AngryBadger

I think people would consider that stalkerish because if he was gimp enough to break up with you over e-mail what did you expect by turning up out of the blue? It sounds like you were hoping for some kind of reconciliation.

It's not that you're old-fashioned, it's just that it was foolish to expect anything form a guy who broke up with you over an e-mail.

Also, I'm not familiar with the previous psotings, but we're only hearing one side of things here. Turning up at someone's house after they've broken up with you seems like stalker activity to me. You would have been better off trying to arrange coffee or something so you could return his stuff and then get your closure. I don't understand what you were thinking just appearing at the door of a guy who obviously wasn't interested.

Sorry for the harshness, but it seems necessary here.

GretchenWieners

No you're not, any guy that does that obviously has no balls and is trying to make himself look like the bigger person. Don't even waste your time on the loser!

If you want to be mature about it that is

Or be immature (more what I'd do ) and get revenge in a few weeks/months by putting his name and number in for random crap, maybe if he actually has an other half @ that stage she'll get a bit worried!

flyingdagger

true,you only have my side of the story.there are 3 sides to every story-mine.yours.and the actual reality of a situation.i asked him to meet me for a coffee during the wk and was told no.i didn't want to try and 'talk him round',just wanted a bloody dignified end for my own sake,rather than hoping(stupidly) that he might want to start seeing me again.And also didn't want his stuff round my house reminding me of him

Sangre

thats what the bin is for.

AngryBadger

flyingdagger wrote:

true,you only have my side of the story.there are 3 sides to every story-mine.yours.and the actual reality of a situation.i asked him to meet me for a coffee during the wk and was told no.i didn't want to try and 'talk him round',just wanted a bloody dignified end for my own sake,rather than hoping(stupidly) that he might want to start seeing me again.And also didn't want his stuff round my house reminding me of him

Yeah, again, going back over your OP, you chased him when he wasn't txting you, he told you he wanted space, then he broke up with you over e-mail, and THEN you turned up at his house, was this before or after he refused to meet for coffee? If it was after, then what were you doing turning up at his house? If it was before, then why did you go to his house FIRST, and then invite him for coffee after he lashed you? If you really couldn't stand the sight of his stuff you could just have burned it/given it away/thrown it out.

I have to wonder if you were crowding this guy. And again this all sounds a bit clingy/stalkerish to me.

Esel

Did his house not have a bell or a knocker?

BigWilly

AngryBadger wrote:

you chased him when he wasn't txting you, he told you he wanted space, then he broke up with you over e-mail, and THEN you turned up at his house, was this before or after he refused to meet for coffee? If it was after, then what were you doing turning up at his house? If it was before, then why did you go to his house FIRST, and then invite him for coffee after he lashed you? If you really couldn't stand the sight of his stuff you could just have burned it/given it away/thrown it out.

I have to wonder if you were crowding this guy. And again this all sounds a bit clingy/stalkerish to me.

QFT

Anyone who's thinking to themselves, "WOW, this isn't stalkeryish at all!"...I fear for your partners...

lau1247

curled up on the couch with another woman??

He's not worth the effort and clearly he shows no effort either..
Plenty o' fish in the sea.. Look for someone else that is true to you..
You're not an idiot or being stalkery..

Is that even a word? :rolleyes:

Sam Vimes

he doesn't want to talk to you. you;te only digging yourself into a hole by continuing to contact him. he seems like a pr!ck to be honest. you're better off without him

lau1247

ditto

Miss Fluff

It is cruel finishing by email. And immature. Do you really want to be going out with a bloke with no balls? I think if you're honest with yourself, really honest, you'll admit that by meeting up at his house he'd think to himself what a fool he was by finishing with you and there would be a tearful reunion. This IS rather scary behaviour. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and conduct yourself with dignity. Don't contact him again and view it as a luck escape.

Cianos

Its not scary behaviour, its just normal for someone who has been a bit messed about emotionally. The fact that he didnt have the balls to end it face to face probably means you are better off without him. OP, you went to his house for closure...now you have it. Dont waste any more time worrying about it, life is too short.

Nickibaby*

I think you got all the closure you need, he opened the door and told you to go away. He doesn't want to see you anymore. Rejection isn't nice but you will find someone else, someone who treats you with a bit of respect which you deserve.

You didn't do anything too stalkerish at all but leave things the way they are now. Personally i would have thrown his stuff in the bin or put it in a black bag and put it away till he came and collected it himself.

You can't change the fact you went around there now. What's done is done. Move on

ircoha

flyingdagger wrote:

i needed to write this down,feel physically ill.Posted a while back about a guy i was seeing for a few months.Though we had gotten close,despite some rows.Over the past week and half he barely contacted me,so stupidly i txted/im'ed him,basically chased after him.He decided he wanted 'space'(the boy has a HUGE amount of issues and emotional baggage),which turned into he was ending things.Via email.

I just wanted a face to face closure/goodbye.Went out to his area this evening with some stuff of his to give back and hoped that he would at least have the courtesy to say goodbye/say its finished to my face.I walked up to the house,and saw him through the window curled up on the couch with another woman.When i called to say i'd left the stuff outside his door and could he at least come out to finish things/say goodbye/have the decency to end things like an adult,he answered and let rip that he didn't want to hear from me,that i was acting like a stalker etc.Felt like he was almost playing up the situation for the benefit of whoever she was.

I'm so upset.Is it me being old fashioned but is it not really cruel to end things via a bloody email?Jesus does it make me a 'stalker' to want a dignified end to something that i though was decent.Just feel like an idiot for running after him and sick to my stomach that i didn't just walk away after the email

IMO you have done nothing wrong here, you are best rid of him.
You mentioned "the boy has a HUGE amount of issues and emotional baggage" - he now has a lot more. In addition the new gf will be wondering wtf have I here?

I cannot accept the argument that calling once is stalking:

from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking

Stalking is a legal term for repeated harassment or other forms of invasion of a person's privacy in a manner that causes fear to its target. Statutes vary between jurisdiction but may include such acts as:

repeated following;
unwanted contact (by letter or other means of communication);
observing a person's actions closely for an extended period of time; or
contacting family members, friends, or associates of a target inappropriately

You did what any normal decent lady would do, so just keep going

Keep well

McGinty

I would concur with Irocha, you did not stalk him, otherwise you'd still be trying to see him. What I can ascertain is that you sought closure, he did not respond to you in an open fashion so you went to his house, I would have done the same thing if someone was unwilling to face me due to his cowardice, as re; the comments by Sangre, ignore them. You did what was right for you, you don't need justification by anyone else. You were also treated with bad manners, and your well shot of your man.

[Jackass]

You're probably playing down the circumstances a bit, and who shows up to their ex's place with a box of "stuff" and peaks through the window?

Nothing wrong with trying to contact him if you wanted to discuss it...if he dosen't answer, leave a voice mail...if he dosen't call, send him a text (2 max) and if you're both into contacting eachother via internet...i suppose you could write him 1 letter (1) just saying wtf? cant we talk about this, i feel: blah blah blah.

But to answer your question, yes, very stalkerish...don't try and contact him again and value your dignity.

smk135

i have to say, i do feel sorry for you coz im sure that its a really ****ty situation to be in, but (hope i dont sound pretentious) ive been in the reverse situation more than once (guys calling me 15 times a day/declaring undying love after 2 dates) and its not even flattering coz i just reckon they're either slightly mental or just very very lonely... so learn from this experience and dont ever insist again like this with anyone! its so so so off putting...
im sure you'll get over it in a few weeks, probably cringe about it for another while but at least maybe when someone worth while comes along you wont "scare" him away. (not that im saying you're scary just figure of speech).

ps: hahaaha Sangre gotta love your honesty!!!!:)

evad_lhorg

stalkery.... stalkery.... kinda loses meaning the more you say it.

I think that guy was being a knob. you cant break up with someone like that.

up for anything

I don't think breaking up with someone by email has the same connotations it used to have, considering that a lot of communication in a lot of relationships these days takes place by text and email, I think it's probably going to become the norm. I don't think it has the same stigma as a 'Dear John' letter.

judybaby

Hey...and sorry to hear you had a rough time. Regardless of what you say you went around to his house to see would he have you back. This is the first mistake when you are dumped and believe you me I've been dumped in worse ways than in an email!

Anyway Girl pick yourself up from the gutter (exaggeration??!), cry in to a pillow and listen to some crappy songs BUT put a time limit on it ...that is ...1 day of moping! Then get that b**t**d out of your mind...get yourself down town...buy a loads of sexy gear and head out at the weekend and ... ENJOY! This guy is entitled to his space...give him LOADS...never speak to him again.

If all else fails ...and you still feel like texting/email/contacting him...DON'T.....
...If you still feel like contacting him ...read a good book called

"How to break your addiction to a person" by Howard Halpern and for a laugh and some good points read "He's Just Not That into You: The No-excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" By Greg Behrendt

Hugs x

Ickle Magoo

You had only been seeing each other a couple of months & he dumped you by e-mail. I would have asked him once also by e-mail if he wanted his stuff back & when it would be convenient to me for him to pick it up. To chase him for "closure" and then turn up uninvited at his house & peak through the window does seem OTT to me...

In future if anything similar happens, I would just take it "I need a break" or "I don't want to see you again" as closure enough & walk away with your head held high. Best of luck.

BeardyGit

Ickle Magoo wrote:

You had only been seeing each other a couple of months & he dumped you by e-mail. I would have asked him once also by e-mail if he wanted his stuff back & when it would be convenient to me for him to pick it up. To chase him for "closure" and then turn up uninvited at his house & peak through the window does seem OTT to me...

In future if anything similar happens, I would just take it "I need a break" or "I don't want to see you again" as closure enough & walk away with your head held high. Best of luck.

On the money.....

flyingdagger

well thanks for the opinions.tbh i wasn't peeking in his window-its right by his front door so you can see right in.I'm hurt but now feel that i'm glad i went out-otherwise i would have been hoping for him to contact me,i got a sharp shock and it was just what i needed to realise that he's a b*****d-i deserve better.When i posted the OP it bugged me coz i felt like an idiot because i had ran after him,also i have no idea how long he has been seeing this other woman.
So i feel like crap at the moment and it'll take a while to feel better.Maybe if he gets a kick in the teeth like that from someone else at some point he may realise how hurtful it was.

running after guy's never does any good for whatever situation or one's self esteem! better to get involved with a guy who's willing to chase you!
your well rid though! that guy sound's so rude

lau1247

coolsmileygirl wrote:

running after guy's never does any good for whatever situation or one's self esteem! better to get involved with a guy who's willing to chase you!

I think of it as a give and take thing..
Both got to do the chasing..

Mrs_Doyle

If a guy dumped me by email I would delete his number from my phone straight away, before deleting him from my life altogether.
His stuff would, assuming it was just Cd's and small bits and bobs, would find itself in the bin, and I wouldn't give him a second thought.

I don't know why you thought he would be decent to you if you called to his door unannounced, especially when you consider the fact that he showed you no decency when he broke up with you.

Also, you saw him on the couch with another girl, why would you call him outside?

If I was to dump a guy via text or email then obviously I do not want to do it to avoid face to face confrontation, it would mean I was a bit of a coward, but ultimately I just don't want to do it face to face.
I would be very freaked if the guy I dumped showed up at my door, without warning, carrying a box/bag of my belongings and calling me on my mobile to come out and talk to them.

I don't think you are a stalker, I do think what he did was lousy, and that you made a few bad moves and your feeling incredibly hard done by and humiliated now.

The guy was a jack ass, you will find someone who actually wants to be with you and will treat you properly, just put this disaster down as a learning experience, work from there.

metrovelvet

Next time around find a man with a pair of testicles. A real man would say goodbye to your face.

I dont think your a stalker but I dont know why you brought his stuff around to him when it would have been so much more fun to set it on fire or sell it on ebay.

dr.bollocko

Yeah Im with Metrovelvet. I dont think you are a stalker, but the only reason you should have called around to his house unannounced is to fück him out of it big time for being such a total tosser and breaking up with you over email. When relationships end, lots of people do things that they dont exactly feel great about, but I think in the world of ****ed up break-ups, yours is like a 3 or lower. You know, you found out that actually, he was just a bit of a loser, and the only further contact he deserves is a swift kick in the nuts.

A.Anon

Im not going to get into the whole stalker thing, personally I can understand the need for closure face to face.

My two cents is that the guy is a coward if he couldnt even do that and he's not worth even thinking about.

LegacyUser

He's just a small man hiding behind a curtain.
He needs to grow a set.
I wouldn't be bothered with him anymore.

cordelia

No, you're not a stalker.
I think we all meet someone (or a few someones, until we cop on) that can unnerve us emotionally to the point that we behave in ways that are irrational and entirely unlike ourselves under normal circumstances. This was just one of those times for you. I've yet to meet anyone that hasn't done something cringeworthy in a relationship at some point. Just forgive yourself and move on. There are enough decent people in this world, leave the emotional trainwrecks to continue their paths of destruction elsewhere. The best piece of advice I can say is "always maintain your dignity." Always. That way you can keep your self respect and maintain the respect of others.

madhitchhiker

let it go..he's not the guy for you. you are not a STALKER dear...;)

lau1247

why r we still talking about stalking??
I think she would get the pattern by now..