Am I being unfair to the wife?

LegacyUser

Usually I would not post any personal issues here but I am a bit desperate.

My wife and me have been together 5 years and married for 8 months. We do get on really well at times and verything is great....but then sometimes we argue as couples do and we can't seem to resolve it, i.e. it drags on for days.

We both have a lot of friends and she often go out with her girls for shopping, etc. but she also from time to time she meet up with her old friends for lunch that she had met long before we knew each other. Some of them are male and some are female. I do not mind her meeting the females but do mind her meeting the males as I don't know them and not interested either as I have enough mates of my own.

Problem is we usually then start fighting over this and can't solve it. I am not a jealous person but obviously being a typical block would not like it if my wife meets guys for lunch that I do not even know. I never stop her from doing anything else or meeting any other friends that I know as well so are definitely not possesive or controlling.

My wife is a sales consultant and she is very friendly to people so abviously she will be very chatty and friendly to everyone I think.

You will say that this is my answer but we do trust each other but I don't really know what to do as I am not comfortable with it. Being a bloke I know some guys can not be trusted so I can't trust her male friends that I do not know.

I thought that once you get married you stick with your friends that both of you know and forget about past friends that one partner might not know.

Cheers for the responses.

Marksie

Does she stop you from seeing old friends, male and female?

I think there may be trust issues on your side TBH, regardless of what you say. You say that you know some guys cannot be trusted.. but that is not the issue. It is your wife who you should trust.... completely
Has she ever given you any indication whether these are past B/friends, colleagues or just friend

No i disagree with your statements about only having friends you both know. Its important that you mainatin individual friendships.

So yes IMO you are being unfair

seamus

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

My wife is a sales consultant and she is very friendly to people so abviously she will be very chatty and friendly to everyone I think.

My girlfriend's a naturally chatty person who pretty much gets on with everyone. Within three days of starting a new job, she'll be out on the piss with them, and texting one of the girls she's working with as if they were best mates. Some people just tend to make friends easy, and also tend to hold onto them, where the rest of us would forget about them when we move on.

You will say that this is my answer but we do trust each other but I don't really know what to do as I am not comfortable with it. Being a bloke I know some guys can not be trusted so I can't trust her male friends that I do not know.

No guys can be trusted around your partner. That's an immutable law of the universe. But whether you trust them or not, isn't the issue. If you trust her, what's the problem? It takes two people for anything to happen - do you consider her that weak-willed that she would be easily taken? Or perhaps you don't feel that she's as dedicated to you as you are to her? You'll probably answer no to both of those, but it's just male jealousy. You have to suck it in, grit your teeth and go for beers with your own mates.

I thought that once you get married you stick with your friends that both of you know and forget about past friends that one partner might not know.

I would sincerely hope this is not the case. Marraige shouldn't mean that instead of being "Joe Smith and Mary Byrne" you become a monolith known as "The Smiths". Any healthy marraige will allow the two involved to continue to act as individuals and have separate friends and interests. I don't see why one (or both) parties should have to lose friends, just because they're married - in this area, what makes marraige different to dating? If she kept her friends while you were going out, what makes marraige so different that suddenly she can't keep her friends?

Miss Fluff

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

Some of them are male and some are female. I do not mind her meeting the females but do mind her meeting the males as I don't know them and not interested either as I have enough mates of my own.

I think you should meet these friends of hers. It doesn't mean you have to pursue new friendships with these people or anything but you're being truculent by trying to dictate whom she can and cannot see. Hopefully meeting them and seeing the type of friendship your wife has with these guys will allay your fears.

Ickle Magoo

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

I thought that once you get married you stick with your friends that both of you know and forget about past friends that one partner might not know.

Never heard of that rule....lived together for 4yrs & married for 2 and we both have friends that the other doesn't know. I hate the thought that we must do everything and know everyone as a couple. We are still individuals and still entitled to be friends with anyone we like.

You must have some serious trust or insecurity issues to be labouring a point of who she meets for lunch! Best of luck

aniascor

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

I thought that once you get married you stick with your friends that both of you know and forget about past friends that one partner might not know.

This is a bizarre idea. I'm curious to know why you thought that?

You are being unfair - learn to trust your wife.

LegacyUser

marksuttonie wrote:

Does she stop you from seeing old friends, male and female?

I think there may be trust issues on your side TBH, regardless of what you say. You say that you know some guys cannot be trusted.. but that is not the issue. It is your wife who you should trust.... completely
Has she ever given you any indication whether these are past B/friends, colleagues or just friend

No i disagree with your statements about only having friends you both know. Its important that you mainatin individual friendships.

So yes IMO you are being unfair

Not really, but then I gave up a lot of my old friends a long time ago. The friends I have now is friends that we both know for a long time.

These guys are not b/friends, they are just some old friends she used to share accommodation with when she was in college and also travelled with according to her .

LegacyUser

<snip>NortSoide - behave</snip>

Listen - Boss - U need to shut your cakehole.
She's still free to talk to whoever she wants in this life.
Just as U are. If U trust each other then what's the
problem ?

U have the problem ; not her. And U need to sort this out
in your own head ... before one of those fine studs runs
off with your missus.

free2fly

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

We both have a lot of friends and she often go out with her girls for shopping, etc. but she also from time to time she meet up with her old friends for lunch that she had met long before we knew each other. Some of them are male and some are female. I do not mind her meeting the females but do mind her meeting the males as I don't know them and not interested either as I have enough mates of my own.

I think that you should make an effort to meet these friends. They don't have to become your mates, but if you meet them perhaps it would put your mind at ease about her relationship with them. You would be able to see how she interacts with them. But getting angry with her when she meets these friends probably makes her feel that you don't trust her.

A bit of advice OP - never, ever go to bed angry. Communication is key in any relationship. You should always try to find a way to work out your problems before you sleep.

Beruthiel

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

I do not mind her meeting the females but do mind her meeting the males as I don't know them and not interested either as I have enough mates of my own.

Problem is we usually then start fighting over this and can't solve it.

If you wish to stay married, you had better cut that out now.

I am not a jealous person but obviously being a typical block would not like it if my wife meets guys for lunch that I do not even know.

So let me get this straight, you are not interested in meeting her friends, but you don't want her seeing the ones you don't know.
If any partner had ever had the nerve to think they could actually tell me who I could or couldn't see they'd be sorted out so fast their heads would spin.
You are not the boss of your wife, if she has known these friends for years, just because you came along doesn't mean that she should just give them up.
What's your real problem here? I'll spell it out for you, you think she is seeing them with the thoughts of taking it further :rolleyes: Even if these blokes 'can't be trusted', so what? If you trust your wife as you say you do, then nothing will ever happen, will it?

I thought that once you get married you stick with your friends that both of you know and forget about past friends that one partner might not know.

LOL
I seriously hope you are not trolling this forum, that's got to be the saddest comment I've ever heard.

Miguel_Sanchez

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

I thought that once you get married you stick with your friends that both of you know and forget about past friends that one partner might not know.

That's a mental idea.

Old friend Sarah who you knew in college rings you up after not being in touch for 6 years. She's been travelling the world and has a million stories to tell - she wants to reconnect with all her old mates from those crazy college days. She rings as many of the old gang as she can. They're all thrilled that she's back. Then she rings you.
"Hey it's Sarah - I'm back in Ireland. Man teaching orphans to be web designers in the Amazon was a crazy time. Let's meet and we'll catch up."
"Sorry Sarah I'm married now and my wife doesn't know you. Bye."
*click*

In short, I think you're being unreasonable. If it's not a trust thing are you maybe slightly jealous that you've fallen out of touch with your old friends and she still has hers around?

LegacyUser

I deserved the beating...to post here is worst than playing paintball.

Anyways, I did not really make sense when I said:

""I thought that once you get married you stick with your friends that both of you know and forget about past friends that one partner might not know""

My apologies as I did not mean in this way. It's just under our circumstances that we have spent a lot of time over the past 4 years with our existing friends and therefore hardly had any time for others, it's just the way the cookie crumbled for us in this time, we have done a lot of travelling with the same friends.

Even though we had arguments I have never told my wife what to do or boss her around, she is still free to do and see whoever she wants to.

NortSoide - for the record: I'm a bit of a stud myself ;-)

Case closed.

Beruthiel

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

Even though we had arguments I have never told my wife what to do or boss her around, she is still free to do and see whoever she wants to..

Bit of a cop out statement that.
She can see whoever she wants, but when she comes home she had better be ready for a fight eh?

tinkerbell

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

I do not mind her meeting the females but do mind her meeting the males as I don't know them and not interested either as I have enough mates of my own.

You don't mind her meeting up with her girls but you do mind when she meets up with old friends who are guys? Get a grip on yourself man, you can't tell her who she can and cannot see.

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

Problem is we usually then start fighting over this and can't solve it. I am not a jealous person but obviously being a typical block would not like it if my wife meets guys for lunch that I do not even know. I never stop her from doing anything else or meeting any other friends that I know as well so are definitely not possesive or controlling.

"We" usually start fighting over this? Don't you mean YOU start fighting with her over this and then she has to put up with your constant moaning over it? You say you ain't jealous or possessive or controlling, yes sir you are all three of those. So what if you don't know who they are, she can have friends that you don't know about. She shouldn't have to say each time "oh I am meeting X for lunch, you don't know him though, will you meet him first and then decide if I can continue meeting up with X now and again?" You can't use the excuse of being a "typical bloke" either, not every bloke is like that. In fact, you are being pretty damn unreasonable.

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

I thought that once you get married you stick with your friends that both of you know and forget about past friends that one partner might not know.

This is, without a doubt, one hell of a ridiculous statement. Just because you get married, doesn't mean you forget about everyone you knew before you met your partner. She can lead a separate life too, you know. It's not a dictatorship, I believe a relationship is when two people come together and still can have outside friends. You need to get a grip on yourself and stop causing your wife so much hassle because she's doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Kell

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

but do mind her meeting the males as I don't know them and not interested either as I have enough mates of my own.

Why not? They may not be the competition you obviously view them as.

And what sort of a statement is "I have enough friends of my own"? You can never have too many mates. Jeebus.

K-

3greenrizla's

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

Anyways, I did not really make sense when I said:

""I thought that once you get married you stick with your friends that both of you know and forget about past friends that one partner might not know""

My apologies as I did not mean in this way. It's just under our circumstances that we have spent a lot of time over the past 4 years with our existing friends and therefore hardly had any time for others, it's just the way the cookie crumbled for us in this time, we have done a lot of travelling with the same friends.

dude, you really need to think about this logicly, Have you dumped any friends that you have not seen in the last 4 years???

& why have you stopped making new friends?

I don't know them and not interested either as I have enough mates of my own.

you just might enjoy their company, I presume you & your Wife look for similar things?



Anyhow, Lighten up, If you trust your wife, you trust that she will not cheat on you.

You will say that this is my answer but we do trust each other but I don't really know what to do as I am not comfortable with it. Being a bloke I know some guys can not be trusted so I can't trust her male friends that I do not know.

remember it's not the fella you have to trust, ask yourself again, Will your Wife cheat on you? You should be happy the fact that your Wife is being open and honest with you, she could (& probably will, if you dont chill) Lie & tell you she's off on a girls night out.

I deserved the beating...to post here is worst than playing paintball.

poor you :rolleyes:

gamer

a married woman should be allowed ,have friends male and female/ platonic friends ,if shes going out with a single male ,more than you ,say 3times a week ,than you can say i,m not comfortable with this,some workers socialise with each other alot,in mixed groups,there has to be trust in a marriage ,go out with her twice a week as a couple,no one else there,just you 2 ,even its to a movie.

OrangeOranges

In 5 years you haven't gotten to know your all wife's old friends?

Its you that has the problem, bud

Ickle Magoo

Beruthiel wrote:

Bit of a cop out statement that.
She can see whoever she wants, but when she comes home she had better be ready for a fight eh?

Took the words out of my mouth...

OP wrote:

Even though we had arguments I have never told my wife what to do or boss her around, she is still free to do and see whoever she wants to..

You don't think causing an argument everytime she meets up with a male friend you don't know is paramount to telling her who to see or what to do?!

Marksie

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

I deserved the beating...to post here is worst than playing paintball.
.

Well you did post asking for opnions.!

The consesus is to answer your question : you are being unfair

Trinity

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

Usually I would not post any personal issues here but I am a bit desperate.

My wife and me have been together 5 years and married for 8 months. We do get on really well at times and verything is great....but then sometimes we argue as couples do and we can't seem to resolve it, i.e. it drags on for days.

We both have a lot of friends and she often go out with her girls for shopping, etc. but she also from time to time she meet up with her old friends for lunch that she had met long before we knew each other. Some of them are male and some are female. I do not mind her meeting the females but do mind her meeting the males as I don't know them and not interested either as I have enough mates of my own.

Problem is we usually then start fighting over this and can't solve it. I am not a jealous person but obviously being a typical block would not like it if my wife meets guys for lunch that I do not even know. I never stop her from doing anything else or meeting any other friends that I know as well so are definitely not possesive or controlling.

My wife is a sales consultant and she is very friendly to people so abviously she will be very chatty and friendly to everyone I think.

You will say that this is my answer but we do trust each other but I don't really know what to do as I am not comfortable with it. Being a bloke I know some guys can not be trusted so I can't trust her male friends that I do not know.

I thought that once you get married you stick with your friends that both of you know and forget about past friends that one partner might not know.

Cheers for the responses.

You say you dont trust her male mates cos you dont know them.

Then you say you wont meet them cos you're not interested and you have enough mates of your own.

so you feel she should drop them without ever meeting them cos you wont make an effort to get to know them first before judging them.

maybe meeting them 'might' be the answer? put your mind at ease.

you say you trust your wife, well then rest assured she wont do anything cos it takes 2 to tango and even if these guys did fancy her i am sure she has a mouth in her head to say no and then dump them herself of her own accord for trying it on with her knowing she was married.

But if you really trusted her i dont think it would be an issue and you wouldnt be posting about it!

spurious

There are a number of things in your post that bother me.

'The wife'
Is that how you refer to the person who has chosen to spend her life with you?

I do not mind her meeting the females but do mind her meeting the males as I don't know them
Don't you trust her?

I am not a jealous person
TBH your whole post sounds jealous

I never stop her from doing anything else or meeting any other friends that I know
Words fail me re this line...you don't 'stop' her? Would you 'forbid' her to see some friends?

Being a bloke I know some guys can not be trusted so I can't trust her male friends that I do not know.
It's not about trusting anyone else...it's about trusting HER, which you obviously don't.

I thought that once you get married you stick with your friends that both of you know and forget about past friends that one partner might not know.
Don't know where you got that.

All in all, as others have said - major trust issues in your relationship and yes, you're being unfair to her. Why are you jealous that she sees other men - don't you think you are good enough for her? It's YOU she has chosen to be with.

exCrumlinBoyo

Mate, you need to get over yourself and begin to trust your wife. The only people who are jealous of their spouses friends and acquaintances are ones who have low self esteem. You either trust your wife or you don’t! Are you going to stop her from working in case she meets men who she does not know?

Grow up

Black Swan

This really looks like a trust issue. You either trust your wife or you don't. If you trust her, then don't argue about whom she can see or not see. On the other hand, if you do not trust her, then you need to sort that issue out.

The Sweeper

This will keep on being something you fight about unless you meet the blokes.

You're putting your wife in a no-win situation. My parents used to do that to me when I was in my teens.

"You can't stay at Aoife's house, we don't know her parents."
"Well Aoife's parents want to know if we can all meet up for coffee in town on Saturday and then you will know them."
"No, we're not interested in meeting them."

My teenaged tantrum response was "I can't put my bloody life on hold because you don't want to meet new people." Take out the petulance, and essentially it's what you're asking your wife to do.

LegacyUser

i have the exact same problem with my girlfriend.she has plenty of bloke friends and i dont mind her meeting up with any of em but even if im to talk to a female friend of mine in college she gets pissed off!??!!like wtf??what the hell is problem.were only talking but she goes out for a night with them!!

Sam Vimes

what kind of answers did you honestly expect when you posted here?

you say you don't stop her seeing them yet you say you argue about it. they can't both be true

you say you're not jealous but don't want her seeing other blokes

you say you don't trust them because you haven't met them and yet you say you have no interest in meeting them

it doesn't matter if every bloke in the world is trying to get into your wife's knickers, if she loves you she won't let them.

if you trust your wife, then the only way meeting other blokes could be a problem is if you think they're going to rape her

Gurgle

Dunnowhattodo wrote:

I thought that once you get married you stick with your friends that both of you know and forget about past friends that one partner might not know.

Ladies and gentlemen - we have a new 'Dumbest thing I ever heard'!

And now for the constructive advice:
If she is going to cheat on you shes going to cheat on you. If shes just meeting up with friends shes just meeting up with friends.

Give her space & trust her.

If she stabs you in the back, at least you'll know that its not because you were a jealous, controlling git.