Waay too clingy

LegacyUser

Okay this is a bit long I'm 18 and have met this guy he's 23. He lives in Dublin and I'm from Clare. I met him from the net.

He seemed like a nice guy and everything when I met him. We ended up kissing after spending the night drinking and he asked me to go out with him. I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID YES... He's such a nice guy but he's REALLY creeping me out. Everytime we meet up [he travels all the way from Dublin twice a week] I've seen him twice so far TWICE and he bought me loads which he insists I take.
If I run out of credit he sends me more without me even saying anything.
I wake up each morning to 4/5 messages on my phone

''Hi [my name], good morning I miss you so much what are you up to xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx...''
''Hey, me again, you must be still asleep xxxxxxxx'
''I miss you I'm just blah blah''

and so on...
Then after the morning messages he texts me in the afternoon. If I don't reply after a while he rings me saying he was getting worried about me''

Then he'd ask me to chat to him online for a few hours which I usually can't escape. THEN he texts me Goodnight messAGES saying practically the same thing.. like ''Nite again...xxxx''

I think...wait..realise theres something wrong with him but I dont know what to do im terrifed as im typing this hes sending me messages. i just told him there that i think its all a bit too much and he replied ''but we're together'

He's bought me so much and i feel soo guilty ahh i dont know how to get out of this what am i going to say to end it i know its really going to hurt him but i cannot stand it anymore

heellp

Strokesfan

He sounds a little neurotic, surely common sense tells us even when we're crazy about someone to tone it down... I feel for you cos I would be scared of his reaction if I told him to tone it down? Are you worried that saying something would offend him?
It's not your problem if he's been buying you things that you didn't ask for. I think this might actually be a subtle way of manipulating you. I think the best thing you can do is offer friendship and try to repay him or tell him you feel uncomfortable accepting so much off him.
At least the distance between you means that if things go sour - you may not have to see him ever again. He sounds a little lonely or like he's imagined he's more involved with you than he is. Just try to tell him that the distance means that you want to keep being friends and don't want to get too involved etc Goodluck

Ruu_Old

It sounds like he is trying to wrap you in cotton wool. I think you need to stop this before you get in any further than you already are.

Thomas_S_Hunterson

Dump him

gamer

he sounds like he has mental problems,dont see him again,dont give him your adress,say your going away for a few weeks,change your phone no,buy new sim card.LEAVE it a few weeks,then email him,say i have to break up, make an excuse, i,m still in love with some1 else,or something.The reason he cant get gf in dublin,is because hes just a weirdo.OR phone him from a callphone,netcafe say i have to break up with you, the longer you see him the more obsessed he will get.Dont drink on a first date,first dates are for checking out the man to make sure hes not a looper/moron.Do not see him in person again.Forget friendship, hes a borderline stalker,if he gave you a brand new pc/mobile,,whatever,you need to drop him FAST.he has some type of mental problem.Buy a sim card 25euro,throw away old card,in the bin.

ircoha

Go with your instinct that something is wrong here, tell him you need some space and if he reluctant then: get a new mobile number and a new online id.

As a matter of interest, are u sure he lives in Dublin?
In this virtual world......
Do u know where he works/lives etc/ do u have a landline number for him?

At 18 what are u at: school/college/working/living at home what.
I dont need answers here but it may give u angles; too busy in college/school/work/ etc

Get out now

Pigman II

Must be terrible to have such little willpower! You simply must take all these gifts, credit and undue attetion from him I take it?

Why don't you start by posting him back his gifts, tell him you're not interested in where this is going and then make a vow to not meet up with people off the net again.

Trinity

Was kinda in a similar situation but admit it wasnt as bad, no gifts etc i refuse to be bought (sorry not saying you can be)

at first i felt really bad for him. i only met him ONCE for an hour for coffee in the afternoon. he hounded me for two months after that.

i kept putting him off nicely nicely cos i didnt wanna hurt him.

told him i would meet him as friends only as i didnt feel 'that' way about him.

However eventually i just came out and said i dont want to meet you.

he text a few times after that (and even though it is extremely hard for me to ignore people) i just found the only way to put a stop to it was not to reply at all.

even arguing the point with him was an open invitation for more contact.

tell him once then leave it. ignore him no matter how cruel or hard that may be. Its for YOUR own good and you have got to think of you.

Lorax

God he sounds like a right headcase. For his own sake (so you dont lead him on any more when u are clearly not interested) you need to dump him! (For your own sake too, nobody needs that kinda stress)

Black Swan

You want to end it? Then end it. In no uncertain terms, tell him you do not want to see him again. Make it clear. I doubt this guy will accept a friendship alternative. After this is done, stop answering his texts and calls. Screen him out, then go on with your life.

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

Procrastinator

Go easy guys, he's only 18...have a heart

I know it's a bit full on with him, but the poor guy.

If you're uncomfortable then tell him you are uncomfortable, but don't be surprised someone's being nice to you. You could be his first love...
But, you don't have to be if you don't want to.
Relax...you can control this situation but have a heart and do it directly, firmly and gently
maybe he has a proble, maybe he doesn't and just really likes you...but that doesn't mean you have to do anything you don't feel happy doing or feel obliged or whatever.
If you don't want the money, send it back with a polite explanation. Don't keep it and then feel guilty.
If you don't want to meet him so often then tell him you don't want to meet so often, but be confident when you say it. If he piles on the pressure, then I'd see that as a red flag...manipulation and you have to step out of that.

YOU CANNOT CONTROL HOW HE WILL FEEL IN ANY GIVEN SITUATION. Think do you know anyone who can control how you feel? No one right?

So once you realise this, it should free you to understanding you should tell him exactly how you feel because he's going to react how he's going to react anyway.
You are not responsible for his feelings, he is.
Good luck

Webmonkey

Correction he is 23, she the 18yo. I don't know sounds like you better go out before you go any deeper

I read this thread and it freaked me out. Reason being, I thought it was me. Well I'm not *as* bad, I don't send gifts, though I do get the urge to text more if I don't get replies as much as I want to. I have done the "buy her credit" thing, though I always just saw it as a nice gesture.

As someone who's been there I'll try to shed some light on what I think this guy is feeling.

First of all, I've never had a true girlfriend, quite simply I've never put myself out there. Any contact I've had with girls has been online. A couple of months ago I went out with a friend I knew on here and things went well. So over the next few days we kept in contact and things remained cool. But then, when my feelings for her increased I started to become increasingly clingy too. She asked for space but I didn't understand and didn't let her be - kept thinking of how I'd feel not talking to her. She shut me out of her life a few days later.

Secondly I'm very suspicious of people. I was bullied at school and it had a lasting effect on me. I can't trust anybody. So if I text someone and she doesn't reply I get very edgy and convinced she's turned against me. I've another friend who will always reply to me no matter what - because she wants to, not because I make her - and because we're not boyfriend/girlfriend there's no awkwardness there; its all just normal conversation. But when I'm "with" a girl who's not like that it upsets me. I suppose I ask myself "why can't my "girlfriend" text me as much as my friend does?"

Right now I agree with my mam - I'm incapable of being with a girl because of my inability to trust anyone. I'd say the same for the guy the OP mentioned.

I'd suspect this guy has gone through similar things. In the meantime I've promised myself I won't attempt any more online relationships. Maybe if I were in a situation where I could see whoever she may be in person more often I'd be ok, but seeing her once every 2-3 months isn't on. The mentality that I sometimes have is that in these situations I've had the knowledge that there's a girl out there that *I* have feelings for, but that's all - I'm not able to experience a true relationship from a long distance perspective. I don't know for sure how she feels for me and as such it upsets me inside. It also seems I need regular reassurance... creepy huh?
I'm also getting counselling and assessment from a clinical psychologist to work out my problems and I believe in time, if I can grow to trust people again, that it will stop these clingy feelings.

Just my two cents (or pennies or whatever )

Marksie

Go with your gut.

I think you have to bite the bullet and tell him exactly waht you told us. He is not going to like it, but for yourself you have to do it.

You are obviously very uncomfortable with the whole situation and i wouldn't blame you.

if the amounts of gifts worries you, you could always post them back.

Miss Fluff

From someone who was stalked for nearly a year and the situation culminated in attempted rape and a threat to have my throat slit I can assure you that you need to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Trust me. If someone makes you feel in any way uncomfortable then quit while you're ahead. Say that you are getting back with your boyfriend/family moving elsewhere and tell him he is NOT to contact you again. Block his number or change your phone and make sure to keep a friend (and not boardsters) abreast of the situation. Don't meet him again. Twice a week? WTF? He sounds like a loon.:eek:

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I think from reading and from what I think I should do I'm going to slowly let him get the message. As I was writing that last night he was texting me and I told him straight out ''I feel smothered''
He was then like ''Oooh I'm really sorry I know I text you allot ect''
He said he'd stop but funnily enough he decided to text me credit AGAIN last night and then sent about 3 more messages after I said he shouldn't have done that because I was going to buy myself credit but thanks anyway. It creeps me out even more the fact that it was a 20 credit.

Karsini, you sound VERY like him.
I think he's insecure and thinks that if he'll buy me stuff I'll like him. I don't think he ever had a girlfriend before [i may have been his first kiss] I really don't want to hurt this guy he's supposed to be coming down on friday and he keeps saying ''I can't wait to see you'' ''My whole week is brightened up'' ''People keep wondering why I have a smile on my face''

Ahhhh

Guys, I seriously don't have the heart just to suddenly block him out. Even if it is for my own good...I can't... another thing, I really like this guy who I met in a pub the other night and we've been texting each other...I need to do something..

Someone said that I should ''go off on holidays'' for 2 weeks I think thats a brilliant idea. I can change my sim for two weeks then put it back in and hope he forgot about me or something...hope

Miss Fluff

pressurised wrote:

Guys, I seriously don't have the heart just to suddenly block him out. Even if it is for my own good...I can't...

Are you interested or not? If not, it's not fair to give him false hope when he's clearly:

1. Obsessing about you
2. Is mad as a box of frogs

Perhaps you are liking this attention? You're playing with fire though sweetheart.

And no, a two week "holiday" is not going to make a blind bit of difference to someone so persistent. Make is very clear if you don't want to see him again and cancel Friday. The sooner the better.

b3t4

pressurised wrote:

Thanks for the replies.
I think from reading and from what I think I should do I'm going to slowly let him get the message.

You do realise that he is a guy right? (sorry for being smart) I've yet to meet a guy that gets subtle hints. They are NOT obvious to men. Tell him straight out and be on the blunt side. This by far will get your point across quicker than anything.

Tell him exactly why you are cutting contact with him. Tell him exactly why you cannot see yeer "relationship" going any further. Tell him any further contact made by him will be ignored/deleted. Ignoring/Deleting correspondence will illiminate his chance of emotionally black mailing you. He will also realise eventually that it's pointless to make any further contact. Let him learn from his mistakes.

Also, stop being so damn nice. You do have the heart to do this you just don't think you do or it isn't the nice girl thing to do. The nicer you are with a guy like this the more he'll think he's in with a chance.

A.

Evil Phil

b3t4 wrote:

Also, stop being so damn nice.

Hell yeah. Just tell him not to call down as you don't have share his feelings and then tell him that you don't want to be friends either. Don't let him down slowly or gently - just dump him and be done. In fairness you're probably doing him a favour. Should he meet another girl he'll know to cool his boots if he wants something to come of it.

Just how much of a relationship can come of two feckin dates anyway? He's a loon.

Dub_Ster

heres wht you do ring him and say im having a familly get to geather this weekend .so you cant come down cousins from the uk america something long those lines .

next week say its one of your friends 21rst and your going out with the girls , and leave your phone at home .

in the meen while text him once a day, block his msn , ok as you said the chaps in secure , so your going to have to be cruel to be kind , i was at one stage of my life that insecure actully i wasnt that bad but i still had it rough he's going to cry like a baby probably , try ring you a lot and bribe you say stuff like hes crashed his car etc , to get you to feel sorry for him , as for the gifts give them to oxfam .

after a while you wont here from him for about a month but in the meen time find your self a real man ...and be insulting to him he ****in needs it , it will be hard for him but when he cops on to him self hel have the brains to no that you done him good if he does acctuly have them .

and loose this sico maniac ....

if you need any more lies i have buckets full of them ....

gamer

change your sim card ,this bloke is very insecure,neurotic maybe schizophrenic,prbly not taking his medication,the more you talk too him the worse he will get.breakup,phone him once more,than get new mobile no.Say im going on holiday for 3 weeks, change sim card,then ring him once to break up from netcafe, maybe he,ll find sum1 else to obsess over.Txt him ,i want no more gifts ,going on hols.He has a major mental problem.

sutty

Right, best thing to do is dump him, out and out dump him. He will hopefully get the message. If he does not and keeps texting you. Tell him you will be deleting all his emails/texts/MSN ect from now on. If he still does not stop. Tell him you are reporting him to the Gards and your network (O2/Vodaphone/Metor) If he still goes on. Do just this. Your network can blockhim and the Gards can make a visit to him. This should give him the idea.

the_syco

pressurised wrote:

I really like this guy who I met in a pub the other night and we've been texting each other...I need to do something..

Tell the nut 1st one that things aren't working out, you're dumping him, and no, there's no 2nd chances as you've found someone else.

layke

Actually, it sounds like he has finally found a girl and is very very chuffed.
As some one says he's trying to wrap you in cotton wool. Poor sod probably thinks the more he buys you the more you'll love him... which he probably thinks he already is in love.

Do yourself a favour and get out now. If he asks why just tell him he is a scary scary man.

The Truth hurts but as soon as he realizes the better.

snorlax

i just broke up with my bf tonight for something similiar...he was trying to wrap me in cotton wool (we'd being going out 6 months and i just broke up properly today with him)..really at first it's really nice and cute but eventually it's not good for your sanity..unfortunetly we we'ren't able to overcome this difficulty because he had absolutely no idea how he was acting. Tonight i am a little upset but also relieved as i feel abit freer and i don't have to worry about upsetiing people by spending time with my girlfriends or some of my male friends.

seriously though your case seems to be a lot more serious then mine (i too really liked my bf and he was really nice to me)...for your sanity can you imagine what he'll be like in 6 months time? he will likely only grow more clingy. in my case being honest about this caused burnt bridges all around but then my guy was quite sensitive and thought the problem was with me.

good luck what ever you do

LegacyUser

really guys,i doubt he's travis bickle jnr!

sounds like the guy lacks experience and he's skipping merrily through this one,he's in his "hollywood" phase and he's doing exactly what he thinks he should be doing!,be civil and direct and tell him to cool it down a notch,if he doesn't get the hint he's not ready for it anyway...

smallpaws

I'm going to slowly let him get the message. As I was writing that last night he was texting me and I told him straight out ''I feel smothered''
He was then like ''Oooh I'm really sorry I know I text you allot ect''
He said he'd stop but funnily enough he decided to text me credit AGAIN last night and then sent about 3 more messages after I said he shouldn't have done that because I was going to buy myself credit but thanks anyway. It creeps me out even more the fact that it was a 20 credit.....

Wow, he's scarily persistent. You may have to just bite the bullet and tell him to stop all contact, as he is sounding like he is depending on you feeling guilty and being thus more easily manipulated into continuing contact with him. I don't think there's letting someone like that down very easily, I'm sorry to say. Good luck to you on this.

LegacyUser

WWWOOOAAHH UPDATE

-When I quote messages they're taken from a saved conversation/my phone.-

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible.
I was talking to him last night on msn. He said I've been acting distant and ''If you want to break up just say, I'd be devestated but I'd respect your wishes and understand''.

To me this was the perfect oppertunity to break-up with him. Keep in mind I've only ever seen this guy twice. After I explained exactely how I feel -I decided I rather just tell him the truth rather than making up some story-

he said ''I completely understand'' and ''I'm glad youre being honest with me''

THEN

He went insane eventually I got off the net from him and went to bed at about 1. He started to text me say ''I'm coming down to Clare to collect everything I bought you'' ''Youre a weirdo'' ''I hope you crash and burn in college'' He made a horrible remark about my exam results which I'm ashamed to say really got to me. ''You make me sick'' ''Youre a physco''
Now those messages he sent me are bits from longer ones.

He eventually calmed down again and said he's so sorry. I kept saying that HE ASKED ME TO JUST TELL HIM IF I WANTED TO BREAK UP. Now he's trying to make me feel guilty.

Anyway at about 3 in the morning he said ''I can't be just friends with you that would hurt me too much so this is the last message I'll ever send you, have a nice life [my name].

Then I woke up to EIGHT messages on my phone saying that he can't go to work ect. and he wants to talk about my reasons for ''hurting him''.
I text him back a while ago saying hes becoming obsessed, we barely know each other and that hes try to make me feel guity because he's hurt..

He JUST text me back there saying I'm not even good looking and he can do much better than me...
Now he text straight after that in CAPs ''Im sorry i didnt mean that you know you were the best looking girl I was with...I didn't mean that''
He's now calling me [insert horrible word] ect...
I'm actually terrified in case he knows where I live...

cance

step back from the phone!!!11!!!one!

you are egging him on by answering him.

turn your phone off, block him from msn.

go out with your friends over the next few days and keep yourself occupied, DO NOT respond to ANY of his texts. DONT EVEN TURN ON YOUR PHONE.

COMPLETELY POINT BLANK IGNORE HIS ABUSE. its the only way.

if after a week he is still texting you, turn off your phone, remove simcard, go to the o2/vodafone/meteor shop and get them to copy your numbers and buy a new sim card.

This guy has serious issues.

Giblet

Buy a new number and block him from the net. Keep your current number set up as a "trap" number.

Miss Fluff

Any communication with him from this point is encouraging him. Seriously.

BLOCK HIM FROM MSN, CHANGE YOUR NUMBER and make sure to mention it to your family and a couple of mates so they can look out for you. He's blatantly a card-carrying fruit cake :eek:

Miss Fluff

Giblet wrote:

Keep your current number set up as a "trap" number.

Good point, just in case he loses the plot altogether, may be no harm to have some evidence to hand.

I'm sorry, I don't want to be scaremongering or sensationalising here but he is obviously unhinged.

LegacyUser

Jeasus there is some saddo's out there OP tell him to **** off and start acting like an adult.

Belle_Morte

He sounds like a fully fledged bunny boiler to me! I think your best bet is to cut him off completely, no matter what he says or does. All the time he can keep some form of dialogue going with you, no matter how unpleasant, he's getting attention and it's feeding his obsession.

If you find that despite cutting him off completely for a few weeks he still persists in harassing you or that the messages become more threatening then don't be too shy about reporting him.

LegacyUser

I agree 120% with Miss Fluff.
I couldn't have put it better myself.
Just change your SIM for a start.

smallpaws

Jebus H Cripes, what a loony. I feel so bad for you as you've been bending over backwards to be a nice person and this guy is such a weirdo who has been using that to try and stay in contact with you. Tw*t.

Not much else to say except what others have said, he's a lunatic and have nothing to do with him and no contact, he's really obsessing over you. If he persists and you become frightened, relay all the info you have to the police and let them handle it, I'm sure they deal with problem people like this all the time.

NeMiSiS

I would suggest you inform someone other than people on this board about this guys actions. If you still live at home, tell your parents.. he sounds very very unbalanced. If it comes down to you facing this freakshow on your doorstep.. you may need some.. backup.

TK