Engagement Etiquette: How to tell the family

Kleine Hundin

I got engaged a couple of weeks ago and we thought we would wait until we bought the ring before telling people.

Complication, We live aboard and we are coming home in two weeks for a family wedding. I want to wait because we rather tell my parents in person and have time to get the ring. But will this be bad form, letting the extended family on one side know at the wedding? Could my cousin think I'm trying to steal her limelight on her big day? Etiquette dicates this is not a good idea.

There is no time between us arriving home to tell my parents and getting the news out to people before the wedding.

It is certain anyhow that my aunts and uncles will ask us any sign of the ring or when we'll give them a day out, as it is custom at these events to pester unmarried couples. :rolleyes:

Honest is the best policy? Just show them the ring and let it casually drop when the inevitable question is asked?

Am I fretting over nothing?

iguana

If it was me I would let my parents know and ask them to say nothing to anyone else until you had a chat with your cousin. Then I would talk to him/her before the wedding and explain the situation and ask if they would be upset that you told people if they ask. Make sure they understand you aren't trying to steal their limelight and that if they would prefer you to not say anything you understand.

I'm sure they will appreciate you clearing it with them and will have no problems with you telling people. But if they do mind, then don't make a big deal of it, it is their wedding day. And if your extended family ask just tell them you have no definite plans yet.

EDIT, sorry, just read your post again; If you can't talk to any of your family in person before the wedding then call your cousin and ask her permission. Also ask her not to tell anyone else as she is the first to know. I'm not sure I'd like it if any of my friends or family announced their engagement at my wedding, it would feel a little like I was being upstaged. But if they cleared it with me first I'd be happy for them to announce it. It's just a politeness thing.

SingingCherry

If you can't tell them before the wedding, then you're going to have to wait until it's over to tell everyone, because announcing your engagement during someone else's wedding is seriously bad form. You could call your cousin and ask, but what is she going to say? No? She would seem like a serious bridezilla, even if she would want you to keep your trap shut on her day. She's not likely going to be honest about it.

Just wait until the next day and tell everyone you would like to if you want to tell them in person.

Kleine Hundin

How important is it to give the news in person? Quite acceptable to do it over the phone since we live aboard. The inlaws will be getting the news this way since they live in Spain.

It certainly wouldn't be fair to ask for the Bride's permission.

I'm sorry I waited. I thought it would be ok to wait as we're coming back to Ireland in few weeks, until I started looking up wedding etiquette and realised the potential for trouble. Thinking of my cousin, I imagine she wouldn't be too happy.

These are my options as I see it:

1. Call home now and tell them news and explained that we got engaged a few weeks ago on a trip to Copenhagen. They can spread the news. Would have been much simpler if we did that we sooner.

2. Tell my parents in person and keep them quiet until we can spread the news the day after the wedding. Pity I won't be able to wear the ring which was one of two reasons for waiting.

3. Make the annoucement just after the speeches, call for everyone's attention. No way, do I want to that. I do want be discrete.

4. Wear the ring and let people pick up on it. Who would notice? Tiny rock anyhow. My cousin should be delighted, she will be getting an invite to a spanish wedding.

Sure my family is big enough, I didn't hear about some cousins engagements. "Oh did you not hear? We got engaged months ago."

It's not like I want to turn my cousin's wedding into my engagement party.

Looks like option 2. Will sleep on it.

iguana

How about this. Go for option 2, tell your parents and ask them not to say anything. Go to the wedding and wear your engagement ring on your right hand, or discreetly on a chain around your neck.

If your during the reception your cousin asks the "you next?" question, quietly say "well we haven't really told anyone yet, but actually..........." Then judge your next move by her reaction. If you catch a look on her face that tells you she doesn't want you to say anything, quickly say; "But we haven't had a chance to tell my parents yet so it's a secret for the next few days." If she reacts delightedly, tell her that only she and your parents know but it's not a secret. Then you can follow her lead as if she mentions it to someone else she is obviously ok with everyone finding out that day.

If that sounds too ridiculous, just wait a few days to tell people. Even telling people on the phone twp weeks beforehand will steal a bit of her thunder, as her wedding day will be the first time your extended family see you.

To be honest, you know your cousin far better than we do, and how she is likely to react.

Kleine Hundin

I think I'll go with option 2. I think my cousin would be put out but I do like your idea of waiting for her to ask and judge her reaction. It's a good honest strategy. I just prepare some witty responses for the relations and put them off the scent.

Thanks for your input, it's been difficult to judge the right thing to do and not being able to ask my friends for help. My fiance of course didn't really see this as a problem.

Shabadu

To be honest, if one of my friends/relatives asked me if they could announce it on the day I'd say 'sure, no problem!' but secretly I'd wish for them to be crushed from above by a piano. If you wear the ring on the day and someone sees it, everyone's going to know and be crowding around and making speeches. In my opinion you shouldn't tell anyone till the next day.