Low Self-Esteem

LegacyUser

I'm looking for other people's experiences with this really as I suffer from very low self-esteem.

It's not in all respects, I mean, I know I have a brain for example and am proud of my achievements. Overall though I just feel and act as if I am not as good or as important as other people. I always put other people first, deem their needs of higher value. Of course, I never get it back and when I need some support or something, I have surrounded myself with selfish people who won't give it.

It takes anger for me to stand up for myself then I don't do it properly because I'm emotional. If I manage to be assertive and normal with it, I might spend that evening crying at home because I'll feel I shouldn't have done it, I feel guilty, I feel like I have no right.

I don't keep in touch with my relatives because I feel they don't want to be bothered by me. Stupid I know.

Last year, I really felt I had it sussed. I spent alot of time alone and worked really hard on the issue. But now I am trying to just get on with things and a few things have happened recently which make me feel I'll never get on top of it. New friends have turned out to be the same as old.
I started a new job this week and I already see myself acting in the old habits and getting bullied or pushed out by a colleague. I stood up for an issue and spent all of last night upset and crying about it, worried that i was being a bother. Meanwhile other people just ask and do and get on with it.

I look at other people and I don't resent them or feel jealous but I crave being like them. To just 'be' without second guessing or hearing my mother's voice in my head reminding me that I just am not worth anything. She is the key cause of it but alot can be contributed to serious bullying all through primary and secondary school. Especially the feeling of utter ugliness, even though I have a steady flow of male admirers I feel like my very presence is repulsive. Small examples - the bullies used to make sick noises whenever I walked by, steal my stuff almost weekely, beat me up, send me threatening letters and make crank calls to my house.
I guess after 5 years of it, it starts to get under your skin. The school never did anything as I was from a broken home and probably deserved it (to paraphrase one of the nuns).

It's making me more and more introverted and I can't be bothered with friends or other people, as they just bring this problem more sharply into focus for me. I hear myself act this way and want to shake myself but it's like I cannot break the cycle, especially in a work environment.

I've known all this for years, I've been trying so hard to fix it but none of the techniques are working. Meditation, counselling, changing my life etc.
I might try affirmations again as I didn't really keep those up for long.

Has anyone tried anything else? I'm told this is all pretty common, but I'm worried I'll never get past it and enjoy life again. As I say, last year I had about 4 months of it being OK and I was so happy and relaxed - I just can't seem to get there again!

Trinity

Hey

sorry you are feeling so low.

i cant offer much advice but i do know where you are coming from.

i spent my entire life being walked all over. Being taken advantage of cos i was a big softie and didnt know how to use the word no.

every now and again it would get to me and i would have an emotional outburst however it would instantly go back to the way it was.

The one thing i did learn was how to say no. Its probably very difficult for people like you and i to do but it is essential.

I used to be asked to do everything all kinds of favours, just because people knew i would. that attitude oh trinity will do it.

It really boils down to how you feel about yourself, how you treat yourself etc.

i firnly believe you have to teach people how to treat you. When they see you being nice to yourself they will generally follow suit.

Have you spoken to your mother? sometimes we need to confront these issues head on if we are ever to deal with them and make the people that hurt us take responsibilty for what THEY did.

I dont mean to spend the rest of your life blaming other people for your problems but try to make today the first day of the rest of your life. Love yourself, stand up for yourself.

Try whatever worked for you before. Read some self help books. Treat yourself to something that makes you feel good. Write down a list of all the things in your life you are grateful for.

Go out and buy than over the top expensive item you wouldnt normally dare to buy and tell yourself you are worth it.

Never treat yourself any worse than you would your best friend.

HashSlinging

best thing to do is get out and join an gym get the blood flowing to the head, get the heart rate up and get motivated to making yourself better, we all have had a rough ride at some stage of our lives (or all the way through) but you need to make a mark in the sand and make a point of putting your dysfunctional family behind you, sport and exercise is really good at getting the happy hormones into the blood and getting rid of the negative ones, and remember its all about getting out there and marketing yourself. Your doing a good job of ignoring those idiots at work so keep it up.

Black Swan

When a lot younger I felt in some ways similar to you, especially with boys on the playground. I got into kickboxing and later taekwondo. After I decked one, they bullied me no more. More importantly, I began to realise that fear and lack of self-esteem was up to me to overcome, and that if I applied myself, I could eventually do it. You can too. I teach martial arts. Some of my students are women, and I have seen some change dramatically if they apply themselves. Unfortunately, I am temporarily overseas and cannot be of help to you. But if you check out the martial arts forum under sports on these boards and ask for advice, I'm sure several will have useful suggestions for you. Just a thought.

arbeitsscheuer

Wow.
Just reading that brought it all back, I must say. You could have just written about my experiences, introversion and lack of self-confidence, and it would be almost exactly the same. It's quite staggering tbh.

Now all I can tell you is what I'm doing to solve my problem, and it might not help given that you said you've already tried "Meditation, counselling, changing my life etc." But that's all I can do to help.

Me, I've been seeing a Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist for about 6 months now. Like you, I was bullied pretty much constantly in secondary school, and my therapist reckons that's where my low self-esteem, shyness and anxiety has it's roots. However, I seem to have repressed a lot of it so I can't really address it, so we're gonna try a treatment called EMDR. It's quite new, but apparently has a good track record and, in any case, does no harm so... Might as well, like.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and remember that no matter how alone you feel, there are many ppl going thru the same thing. I know; I'm one of them.

Strokesfan

Hi - I'm very similar to you - I feel for you cos when I was in school I was one of the only kids from a broken home (it wasn't the norm in the sticks a decade ago) I have a bad relationship with my mom too and I feel like people walk all over me sometimes (my last boss knocked a load of stuff on the floor once and told me to sort it out) - I actually got some really good advice that's maybe too long to transcribe down here but if you want - you can PM me if you want to chat.
I know its important to try to act differently and change the way you interact with other people. You were only bullied because your family situation made you a more vulnerable target to bullies - not because you deserved it

flamingo

hello,
it does sound to me like, for whatever reason, you may not have felt fully valued or appreciated growing up - with no disrespect to your parents - and as a result worry about being accepted and liked and being seen by others as worthwhile. I wonder what scares you about having to stand up for yourself? Perhaps you sometimes worry you'll be rejected and criticised again if you do so? A lot of people try so hard not to rock the boat for fear of not pleasing others, but that just leaves them feeling more and more rejected and useless - it sort of turns into a vicious circle which, when you're the one caught up in it, seems impossible to get out of.

I'd echo Arse's suggestion to try some proper psychotherapy - while counselling can help some people, a more structured theory-driven approach can help others. I'd suggest looking for someone who uses either psychodynamic-type therapy, cogntive behaviour therapy or ideally cognitive analytic therapy (which is a mixture of the other two, and helps people not only to see how they repeat patterns in their lives, but why they do this - giving them control of the situation and a better understanding of how to change it).

Good luck and don't give up just yet, ok?!

no leaf clover

hey, first and foremost
*smile* one o the most important things goin!
second, i used to be slightly like that i wouldnt say i had it as bad as ya, but i would be the o ne who would get this that an the other, run that errand an all that, never say no, i had my ear pierced in fifth class and got stick over it, but i started canoeing, gaeltacht, and as i socialised with different people, who knew nothing of my past, i felt more comfortable, i became myself, you've got to be able to look in the mirror, wink at urself and say "how u doin" love urself, and others will love you, its a simple minded approach, but only you can change ur feelings, therapists etc just help you to discover it, letus no how u gettin on

Colm_OReilly

. I always put other people first, deem their needs of higher value. Of course, I never get it back and when I need some support or something, I have surrounded myself with selfish people who won't give it.

In order for any situation to be win:win, you have to win first. In airplanes, they tell parents to put on their masks first before the child. In first aid, you have to make sure there's no danger to you first. In other words, you have to be selfish in order to be selfless.

Also, the expectation is set in the relationship that they can take without returning, it's "okay" for them to take from you. They mightn't even see it like that. Let me ask you: Do you ask for help or just expect them to know when you need it?

Overall you're focusing on what you don't want to happen. And focusing on things only allows them to grow, even though you're focusing on what you don't want to happen. It would be more beneficial to focus on who you want to be.

Another point, give yourself permission to mess up, to not be perfect and the exact strong person you want to be. Allow yourself time to develop into this person.

Professional help might be an option, although I'm not convinced psychotherapy is the best option.

Hope this helps, if you want to talk more about it, just Pm or email me.

Colm

Kell

Low self worth wrote:

To just 'be' without second guessing or hearing my mother's voice in my head reminding me that I just am not worth anything. She is the key cause of it

I wish there were parenting lessons, I really do. They can be such twats at times and some, all of the time.

You are not your mothers perception of who you are, you are you.

TBH, the only thing I can recommend is professional help and resign yourself to about 18 months of it to make any real headway. At least you have identified the root cause to a lot of your issues which saves a professional's time trying to pin point your root rather than presenting problem.

G'luck with it.

K-