Concerned over my 6yr old daughter

memyselfandi

A few weeks ago myself and my wife had a flaming row one night after being out for a few drinks. This was the worst one we have had in a long time and I shouted some pretty bad things at my wife. I got so mad at one stage that I actually hit the wall with my fist. In the end my wife left got the kids out of bed and left. I moved out for a few days but now thankfully we are getting it back together and I am at home.
The bit that concerns us most is that during the fight my daughter appeared from the room next door, picked up a toy and walked back out again without uttering a word. Since then she has been acting very strange. She seems to have a profound hate for her mother, she has started calling here a 'fn b1tch', which she never said before (obviosuly she has heard is from me). She ignores her and won't let her take her to any activities. Yesterday my wife saw heer playing with her dolls and she was imitating the fight we had that night so she must have heard it all. She is behaving just fine with me.
We really do not know what to do. I think I should talk to her but have no idea how to approach it. How do you tell a 6 year old that her Daddy was mostly at fault here and not your Mam and that he was stupid.
Should we just leave it and hope she forgets about it, I am not sure she will.

I am so worried about her. What do you think we should do?

Personally I'd say sit down and have a chat with her asap and explain why it was wrong to say and do such things in the argument, and how your wife is really a great mother and loves her daughter, etc. For a start, anyway.

po0k

Yes.

Don't have kids myself yet, but this is what I advise, based on my own upbringing:

Talk to the girl together asap, no need to dumb things down too much either. Emphasise how anger can make people do stupid things and act like eejits. A small bit of self-deprecating humour to get a smile out what could be a wince-inducing conversation. Ask her how she feels, don't put words in her mouth.

Certainly don't just leave it. Crucial stage of development at that age. What's laid now will be like concrete at 8.

Trinity

i'd say definately have a chat with her with your wife present. I wouldnt leave it.

i was a bit of a daddys girl and always took his side.

she obviously loves you dearly and sees you at the 'leader' so therefore thinks its ok to talk to your wife this way or be upset with mum cos daddy was.

also she is blaming your wife for your leaving for the few days. she thinks mammy made daddy mad then mammy took us away then daddy left so its all mammys fault.

you just need to tell her that you love her mammy very much and you lost your temper and said things that were not nice and not ok and that yoiu must all make the promise never to do that again and be nice to each other and then have a group hug.

she will mimmick your behaviour so i know its diffiuclt when in the middle of rowing but if you take a deep breath, walk away and 'think of the children' before you start yelling that mite help calm you down. I'm sorry i know you didnt ask for advice in that department but it does effect your little girl as you saw.

i know it sounds dramatic but i have seen it (sorry not accusing you of anything here) but if there are constant rows in the house and you are yelling at your wife she will grow up thinking this is typical relationship behaviour and may well find herself in somne very unhappy relationships with some not so nice guys!

Nevyn

memyselfandi wrote:

We really do not know what to do. I think I should talk to her but have no idea how to approach it. How do you tell a 6 year old that her Daddy was mostly at fault here and not your Mam and that he was stupid.

Why not tell her just that ?
Seriously sitting her down and explaining that grown up and parents have rows too the same way she does with her siblings and that sometimes we say mean things to the people we love when we should not cos it is worng to hurt thier feeling like that.

I would suggest a trip to your local library they usually have a kiddies and family self help section.
I recently got out a book on families and it tells the story of lots of different families and the roles in them and that families do fight and how to resovle such matters.

memyselfandi wrote:

I am so worried about her. What do you think we should do?

If talking to her is not helping and things get worse it could be she needs to hear it from someone other then her parents.
If the child has a good realtionship with grandparents, aunts and uncles then
get them to have a chat with her as she may open up to them and listen better.

Sometimes it takes postive reinforcement and a chat about what is not good behaviour from someone that is not nagging them to eat thier dinner and tidy thier room day in and day out, one of the reasons having other adults in childrens lives is important.

IF this can't be done or doesn't work then maybe look at getting some family couselling or play couselling for her, your dr should be able to make a referal.

memyselfandi

Thanks very much folks. I did not think of it like that. We don't row that much to be honest. Just every now and then things can build up, you know yourself.
I really like the idea of the both of us sitting down to talk to her and saying that we can argue just like she can with her sister. She is also very close to her granny so that could be the next step and that would probably do the trick alright. (Granny knew about the row - that is where they went that night).

ircoha

Op; this is the part that bothers me most:

"She seems to have a profound hate for her mother, she has started calling here a 'fn b1tch', which she never said before (obviosuly she has heard is from me). She ignores her and won't let her take her to any activities."

As one of the others has pointed out you are seen by ur daughter as the alpha male and she thinks that she can "f" her mother out of it at will just as you have done.


This is, IMHO, the biggest problem here and no amount of saying "adults row like u do with ur kid sister" is going anywhere near addressing that problem.

<She ignores her and won't let her take her to any activities>
At 6 this is just unacceptable, can u imagine what it will be like at 14.
In addition she is setting a fine example for her siblings

However as you are the one who has allowed this to happen you need to sort it out.
the first thing to get sorted is to explain to your daughter that ,<She ignores her and won't let her take her to any activities> is just not acceptable.

You sort this very simply: u sit her down and tell her that if she does not tow the line that YOU, not mammy, will start withdrawing benefits such as TV, pc, friends over etc and neither will you bring her to "any activities".

If you think, as suggested elsewhere that getting Granny involved would help, then do it but not as a substitute for you doing it also.

At 6, profound hate is not on the radar, getting away with a complete lack of respect for her mother, with ur implicit or explicit support is what this is about.

You also need to show her, by example, that you respect her mother. Your comment <We don't row that much to be honest. Just every now and then things can build up, you know yourself.> means that u and your wife need to work on avoiding the build up.


As mooted else where, if u dont sort this now, what will happen when she takes a stance against authority later in life?

luckat

Poor little mite.

memyself, if you don't think it's impertinent, may I suggest that you and your wife go for marriage guidance counselling?

Apart from the fact that you're distressing the little one, fighting isn't a great way to sort out anything between people or nations or neighbourhoods or anything, and the sooner you get better strategies the better for everyone involved.

And yes, you should talk to the child together, gently; say to her something like "It was really stupid - I lost my temper and I'm ashamed of myself. I won't do it again."

It's not at all good for a little girl growing up to think of her primary role model as a f.n b.tch and to expect to have her mate relating to her that way when she grows up.

Deadevil129

I'm not a parent but I can offer a view from the other side of the story. My parents were people who constantly rowed. They're relationship seemed to be more or less based on the adrenaline from having a massive row and making up afterwards. Sometimes it was over tiny things, sometimes serious stuff, sometimes it got violent and sometimes it was over just as soon as it began.

I think the best thing you can possible do is talk to your daughter, not just this time, but everytime you have a serious argument that she hears or witnesses. My mother used to sit me down and explain that sometimes adults just loose their temper, but they still love each other very much and they would never leave each other. It was the times that she never came in to talk to me about it that did the lasting damage.

I was definately a daddy's girl and since I usually saw my father as the victim in these arguments it was his side I always took, it was very black and white "the person yelling is the bad guy" type stuff. Obviously to any argument there are many more nuances and no definate good guy, bad guy stuff, but kids are incredibly black and white. When you argue the chances are, she'll see one of you at fault, and take the side of the other parent, in this case, you.

One last thing to watch out for as she gets older would be to make sure she has it clear in her head that these fights arn't her fault. I know I always personalised everything when my parents argued and for years I thought I was the cause of every tiff that happened at home.

Shandra

I assume by now you have addressed this problem but I feel that you and your wife need to address these issues. I believe that it effects the childs security and is very unsettling to take them from their beds during the night, after all, they have done nothing wrong.
I think you should explain to your 6 year old that both you and your wife dealt with this situation incorrectly and that you weren't fair to each other or your children. I would try to explain that the correct way to deal with anger is to take some time out. Then when you are in a calmer mode then is the time to sit down and talk about any problems and I would tell them that going forward this is going to be how the family will deal with problems. I would also be clear in stating that you both disrespected each other on this particular night and promise each other and the children that this will not happen again.

Victor

memyselfandi wrote:

Just every now and then things can build up, you know yourself.

Not judging, but I'm just wondering is drink the release point?