Opening Paragraph

skateing dragon

Ok Im not the most talented writer but Im attempting to write a novel(Im only 15) and i was wondering what you think of this opening paragraph and be honest!

Cries filled the air and the smell of blood so strong you could taste it. A plague of evil swept across the world of Tasdirum causing outbreak of war in every nation.
''Nethada wake up. You must sit'' explained the woman. She was a Docri, a healer. She helped soldiers wounded in war. She pressed her hand against his back and lay him against a wall.
''W-W-Where is my f-father?'' mumbled Nethada. A look of great sadness covered her face.
'' I am afraid we could not help him''
''WHAT?'' yelled Nethada. He sprung from his bed, his bloody hands now wrapped around her neck.
''His injuries were to great. Now please you must sit''
''You are supposed to heal people. So heal him!'' Nethada pinned her against a wall and looked deep into her teary eyes.
''Nethada you can not stand. You are not healed''
''Do not tell me what I am, stupid Slum. My Father is King, he is out there fighting for you kind and you, you-.'' His knees felt weak. They could not sustain his weight any longer. Nethadas grip loosened and his hands slipped from her neck. He felt his knee crack in half. The pain was too much to bare and he gave up fighting it. Blood filled his eyes blurring his vision as he collapsed to the ground.
''Get a Docre. Quickly!'' screamed the Docri.
''It's alright Nethada I will not let you go''
Maybe it was too late for him. The once bright room now dark. The pounding of the rain could no longer be heard. His body lay still. He was wounded. He was weak. He was numb.

TerrorFirmer

The opening is pretty weak and poorly written (just being honest!) but it does get better. You've made some basic mistakes such as:

Cries filled the air and the smell of blood so strong you could taste it. A plague of evil swept across the world of Tasdirum causing outbreak of war in every nation.

It should read:

Cries filled the air and the smell of blood was so strong you could taste it. A plague of evil had swept (or you could say was sweeping) across the world of Tasdirum causing outbreak of war in every nation.

Also I think you should reverse your sentences. Rather then having that first line as a first line, try putting "A plague of evil was sweeping across the world of Tasdirum causing outbreak of war in every nation" then followed by your opening "Cries filled the air....etc" It serves as a basic introductory to the world you're creating.

Also I think you need to get some more descriptive emotion in there. For example there's a part mention where your character seizes the healer by the throat yet this is not reflected whatsoever in her reply or actions. Instead of simply saying:

''WHAT?'' yelled Nethada. He sprung from his bed, his bloody hands now wrapped around her neck.
''His injuries were to great. Now please you must sit''
''You are supposed to heal people. So heal him!''

You could try adding some description and editing whats already there. I've changed it around a little to show this - what you have does not make for good reading ("his hands now around her throat does not read well):

'WHAT?'' yelled Nethada. He sprung from his bed and seized the healer by the throat viciously.
''His injuries were to great," she choked, "Now please, you must sit!''
''You are supposed to heal people," He snarled, "So heal him!''

Anyway, it seems fine so far. I think you just need to focus more on emotion especially with the kind of atmosphere and opening you're trying to create here. Good luck with the rest of your story, I'll look forward to the rest of it - always love to see non-poetry on this board.

skateing dragon

Thats great advice thanks alot! I'll try alter the paragraph a bit and hopefully the rest of my story will have more depth and emotion. Thanks 4 feed

OctavarIan

I agree with HavoK about the atmosphere/emotion. When writing dialogue you should constantly try to picture the characters in your head. Picture the setting as well as you can and try to get a clear image of the mood and the people themselves. Try to imagine not just what they are saying, but how they are saying it. They might be stuttering, shouting or totally incohesive. What are their faces doing? What gestures are they making? Play it out like a movie scene, then try to capture the speech in your dialogue using descriptive words and punctuation.

As for the overall atmosphere of the scene, try pick out one or two emotions you want to convey, and write them on a piece of paper. Then start writing down descriptive words you associate with those emotions. That should give you a good mindset to begin writing the scene, and you should find that the words seem to flow better.

I don't know if you'll find that helpful or not, it's just a couple of tricks that I use when writing.

skateing dragon

Ok thanks I appreciate the advice guys

Hemingway

Ok I'm the exact same way. I'm 16 and preparing to write a novel but I've been picking up a few tips from random people who are more experienced in the field.Firstly,don't try writing full scale novels that last 300 pages at this age.It'll ultimately end in disaster as I'm sure you haven't got much experience doing such things.Second,find the genre your most interested in because notably with most writers they tend to write in the same area that they read.I know that's true.And when you do know what area that is(mines thrillers)stock up on that kind of material ,maybe old as well as contemporary and fill your head with all this material.Have a good viewpoint on what is selling and other kinds of prose.I know your prose should be genuine but just see whats selling.You should learn certain techniques before you dive into the deep end.At the moment I've been buying reference books on how to write and so on and found that already only 30 pages in they go a long way in forwarding your ability.Believe me,get a writing manual.These things will save you years of rejection.Stick to writing short stories for six months,which should be different kinds of writing,and then after you,ve maybe done your research move onto the larger scale.I think I posted my email address on here so if anyone want's it just go ahead an add me.

skateing dragon

Okay thanks! Any writing manuals i should buy/read?

Procrastinator

Truthfully, almost every opening paragraph I have ever just written, either critical or creative, has been total sh*te. No joking.

The opening paragraph is supposed to set the tone of the piece, absolutely, and establish the terms on which the rest of it's to be read. If you are just starting the write, then you don't yet have the tone, pat. That's usually the crux of the whole problem, for me.
After writing about 3-4 pages, sometimes when i get to the fifth page, (about 500-600 words a page), i feel like i'm 'getting into' the thing. The characters and my train of thought gets firmer and more defined as I progress and i find that the beginning is usually wholly inadequate, wrong or whatever.

The result is that I usually end up having to throw away the first 3 or 4 pages. Lots of writers do this, and lots don't. You'll have to try all the tricks and find out what works best for you. So you'll have to find, slowly and surely, your own style, and the only way to find this is to keep writing and trying new things.

What you may need is editing time and distance. You need to finish a portion of the bulk of the piece, to have your characters, form and most importantly your mood and that of the writing, right. You'll get into an imaginative groove , if you like, in which things will be either right or wrong or described accurately or not - according to that feeling. At that stage your decisions will be much more accurate than at the beginning of the piece.

So my advice is this:

Don't worry about the opening paragraph until you have a lot more written, then go back and 'fix' the opening, resisting all urges to change the direction of the piece, because you'll get new ideas for it whan you do that, that risk taking you away from the direction of what you've already written.

Now 'write out' your ideas for the new directions, in a separate place, away from the main body of the work. I always have to do this, write stuff out just to get rid of it from cluttering up my mind and my train of thought, and usually use a notebook for this, or into a separate word document that I'll save like an editor would save cuts to a movie: there if I need it for new ideas or something that might be inserted at a later date.
I find that if I don't do this, its really difficult to move on, however some people are intellectually far more disciplined than myself and don't need to do it, but keeping the notebook is a really good idea, as you could get another entirely new piece out of those ideas, at a later date.

Finally, the intro will be far easier to write, structure etc, when you have more written.

Odaise Gaelach

It's not a brilliant opening (sorry, just being honest) but it can definitely be improved. Which isn't a bad thing, remember.

Dialogue is okay, but there's too much of it here. Try and tell us more about where Nethada is are and more about what's happened to him and his father. With the extra description will come extra atmosphere and emotion.

Anyway, that's just my advice.

Hemingway

procrastinator said somethin notable there.get a notebook i've got one too and they're great if you've just had a thought and have nowhere to write it down.and by the time you get home or wherever you realise that you've forgotten the thought completely.its a great poin.notebooks are essential.

Tingo

skateing dragon wrote:

A plague of evil swept across the world of Tasdirum causing outbreak of war in every nation.

This is very nitty gritty, but something about the phrase 'the world of X' seems reduant. Your story only deals with Tardirum, right? So you could say, 'A plague of evil swept across the world' or 'A plague of evil swept across Tasdirum'. It's a grammar issue I think, but I'm hardly an expert. I've noticed some other minor mistakes like 'to' instead of 'too' but nothing incredibly serious. They can be easily corrected by rereading over it at a later stage.

I'm a bit confused about this though,

''Get a Docre. Quickly!'' screamed the Docri.

Is Docri a name, and she's calling for Docre (the healer?)? Or is this a typo? If so, then when is healer calling a healer instead of, well, healing?

It seems like an interesting start to the story. I like the way you didn't begin with boring backstory, but jumped right into it. There is a lot there though, maybe you should try to narrow your focus a bit. Congrats, by the way, on attempting to write a novel. It's a demanding task.

The first sentence doesn't really go with the rest of the paragraph. There's a connection, presumably Nethda was injured in the war, but the jump is a bit abrupt. I don't really know how to explain.

I wouldn't worry too much about the start yet. Just keep writing, you can always go back and edit when you've finished. Personally I don't beginning at the beginning. I start writing a scene in the middle, it helps me get into the flow of writing, and then it's easier to write the opening.

Talent is nothing without hard work. You could be brilliant and never write a word. By physically writing and having that determination, you're better off. You can always improve. Practice makes perfect, right?