Thought I Understood Men...

Teamhair

I wouldn't be the most highly-charged woman around sexually, but I do think it is important for two people who are in love to actually make love. It binds them in a way that nothing else can. The intimacy of it is something that shouldn't ever be forgotten and can't be replaced by any other activity.

I'm in a relationship with a very special man (at least, I think I still am) whom I love more than anything. When I'm with him, I feel, "Ah, so this is what its meant to be like!". I'm absolutely mad about him but truth is, we're having some problems of a sexual nature. We make love occasionally and its fantastic but oddly, he's unable to climax and he also seems very reticent about actually touching me. And he pulls away when I try to touch him in a way that indicates maybe I wasnt more than a kiss or a cuddle or a hug. Unless there's few beers on both of us (we then turn wild!) its generally quiet, gentle lovemaking. I often get the feeling that he's not telling me something, maybe something thats happened to him in the past. I don't know. He's had so much happen to him over the last few years... He suffers the odd bout of depression that last a few days or so and he gets easily stressed by his work. Its been my experience in past relationships that men are generally more than happy to touch the women they're mad about! Sometimes its a case of having to push them off you! But not this guy and I do worry. I guess I just want him to want and desire me as much as I do him, and it makes me sad when I sometimes think that maybe this isn't the case. Its clicheed, I know, but a woman when feeling rejected will autmatically think, "it's me" and there's nothing guaranteed to crush a woman more than the fact or even the suspicion that she's not loved or desired or needed.

Anyway, all this came out of my mouth this morning and he refused to talk about it. He stormed off slamming the door and I don't know if he's coming back. I've texted him, no reply and I really feel like crap. I've taken the day off work so I'll probably be on Boards most of the day if anyone wants to throw in their 2 cents! Please, no comments that he may be gay. I'm 100% certain that this isn't the issue. Well, 99% certain.

sutty

I take it you are both fairly young, early 20's like. Maybe you are his first or its a lack of experience. Or as you said, maybe something happened to him. Only thing you can do is talk to him. But if he is not willing to talk. You should be prepaired to eather accept it or move on.

Teamhair

Actually, we're both in our 30's and together well over a year now. I've had a couple of long-term relationships and he's had one. I'm just a bit confused and not too sure what I can really do. I don't want to give up because I don't think there's anything that we can't resolve together. Its in the open air now so now needs talking about. Thing is, I'm not sure he can, judging by his reaction this morning. It looks like I've really hit a nerve and I don't know what I can do to remedy the situation. Maybe he needs to see a therapist or something on his own? God, how American.

Beruthiel

Teamhair wrote:

Its in the open air now so now needs talking about. Thing is, I'm not sure he can, judging by his reaction this morning. It looks like I've really hit a nerve and I don't know what I can do to remedy the situation. Maybe he needs to see a therapist or something on his own? God, how American.

He's old enough to be able to talk about himself. The fact that he's not willing to, would indeed suggest that something is bothering him.
Try and talk to him and if that doesn't work and he finds it too difficult, suggest a professional.

The_Conductor

To be honest- it sounds as though you may have inadvertantly touched on a really sensetive issue for him. While I am guessing that everyone here is going to tell you that you have to talk to him- and he has to talk to you- its not that easy. There are often areas of people's lives that remain closed and off limits, in some cases even to the people themselves. You recognised some of the sympthoms of this- made a diagnosis and tried to open a dialogue with your partner about this. Unfortunately he is not at a place or a time where he is able to talk to you about whatever the issue is (it may be at the very back of his mind and that may be where he likes to leave it). A survival mechanism that a lot of people use is delibertly not consciously thinking about things in the past. They may influence our every day lives, and the manner in which we interact with those around us- often we can be the very last to notice this.

What I imagine may happen is he will come home this evening and possibly try to pretend that nothing has happened. It is up to you whether you decide to insist on bringing up this mornings episode, or whether you decide to let it slide and move onwards.

Now that the fact that you have made an attempt to bring *something* (which could be anything at all) out into the open, regardless of the fact that you were unsuccessful on this occasion, it may make it easier for him to talk to you about it in the future.

Remember that guys are very different from girls in a lot of ways. It is very unusual for guys to sit down and discuss something that is bothering them, to try to work through issues or problems, to try to come to terms with their own humanity for want of a better way of putting it. Guys like to see themselves as somehow an independent island (emotionally) and to suggest that somehow there may be an underlying emotional problem with a guy can be tantamount to questioning their masculinity. (Sorry about the psychoanalysis here.....) It is a shortcoming on the part of guys in particular, that they are seldom willing to accept help- even where it has been recognised by another person that they need help in particular areas. For this reason- I am suggesting letting this morning slide, being nice to him when he comes home in the evening and letting him bring things up (if he so chooses, when he so chooses).

Sorry to hear that things are not working- I can sense from your messages above that you are very distraught and unhappy about what happened this morning. Do hang on in there- you obviously love him, he no doubt loves you too- and is just not capable of communicating with you about whatever it is that is bothering him.

S.

Kell

Beruthiel wrote:

He's old enough to be able to talk about himself. The fact that he's not willing to, would indeed suggest that something is bothering him.
Try and talk to him and if that doesn't work and he finds it too difficult, suggest a professional.

Spot on.

When there is a lot on your mind, be you male or female, the desire for physical contact just isnt there.

OP- has this always been the case or is it a recent thing i.e. shying away from contact, not discussing your concerns etc. If it has been, I would suggest getting your coat. If you're not happy, move on.

K-

AngryBadger

There's a problem there all right, not much you can do for him until he's ready to talk. Well done on saying it to him, seriously, often times we need someone clsoe to us to make us confront our problems. All I'd add is that if there is a proble of a sexual nature in his past, getting him to talk about it and deal with it is going to be trying in the extremes, be ready for a long haul.

And again fair dews. Hope this works out.

Teamhair

Thank you all for your informative and supportive words.

I think it's going to be okay- a long email from me saying that I'd be there for him no matter and that there was nothing he could do or say that would make me walk away from us has resulted in a very loving and touching email back. We'll be having our ups and downs in future, I'm sure, but I have a suspicion that this incident may be a turning point and we'll be able to resolve in time whatever has been bugging him.

I have to say, this site's as good as therapy any day! I felt better the moment I got everything on my mind. Thanks again all!

Marksie

Teamhair: i didnt realise you had started your own therad..sorry:

I posted in the one above about the importance of sex, so am just going to copy and paste it may seem a little odd... but both sections apply i think

I dont know which one to answer first though what i tell the OP may aply here.
OP: it appears that she may be unconnected to you. It may be that she is not connected to herself properly in some way. Lovemaking in a realtionship Is very important, not for 100 different positions, but to bond with the person. It may be a self esteem issue with her if she has put on weight. Before you go doing anything drastic step back a little and try and communicate. Avoid saying YOU are making etc. refer to yourself as in I feel. In that way it may not mean that she gets defensive.
Some good ideas about mood setting have been put forward, but as someone said going back to basics... when you first stated dating how did it feel.. go back to that and start by showing affection. nothing grandiose, just little gestures, touches smiles. reconnect with her and be patient! dotn necessarily expect her to have sex.If you learn to touch and explore again..massage is good, but stop short of actual sex thats fine, dont get hung up. its a gradual process.

Teamhair: some may apply here for you as well. unfortunately he has gone completely on the defensive , but it seems the situation is similar. Let tjhings cool down a little. he may have issues over climaxing and opening up and being vulnerable. Its very hard to do but be gentle.. you may have touched a raw nerve. I hope he does come back to yu. But dont expect answers straight away. its going to be a lng process, but be open to him. Hopefully by doing that and not getting defensive or upset he will begin to open back. don't immediately suggest counselling or anything, just gently persist in touching him and stop if he shys away.. dont get upset and pull away..smile to let him know its ok. Be open and he may begin to be open himself. Possibly juts hold him let him know that he is not being threatened.