tips to beat bitterness??

Jotter

I received a phonecall from a girl who Ive been friends with since we were in primary school - ie approx 15 years. We were best friends growing up and lived within a stones throw of each other. She rang to say she no longer wants to be friends with me bec I have let her down and hurt her and she cant take it anymore. I asked for examples and was given lame ones such as I dont sleep over in her house anymore and I dont tell her things anymore - shes referring to financial info and personal info regarding my family life, whcih as Im older I now consider to be private. She stated that she has high expectations and I asked if these were for all her friends or just me - the answer was just me. I am 26 years old in my first year of marriage and due my first baby. She is living with a guy for the last 3 years yet by her own admission she wants our friendship to be the same as it was when we were 17 and she wont accept that things have to change. I accepted that she couldnt move on and part of me is glad bec it means the pressure is off me to conform to her ridiculous childish standards of so called friendship and since I have been away from her I can see that shes an exceptionally self absorbed creature who I now have nothing but contempt for.
My problem is this - everytime I think of her it makes my blood boil - moreso now bec I discovered that she been blaming my husband for things when its nothing to do with him - shes incapable of taking responsibility for her own actions and twists everything so that its always someones elses fault. Her boyf and my husband are really good friends and I would hate to see them fall out bec of all this crap but I know that she has asked him not to see my husband anymore and while he initially told her to feck off he now appears to be whipped and has been ignoring my husbands texts and only replying to ask if we had baby yet - this I know is her asking him to find out as she told me that she doesnt want to be my friend but still wants to know whats going on in my life and the babies life (wtf!!)
Anyway how on earth do I let her not get to me - Im sick of thinking about her and her stupid ways I just want to get her and shake the living daylights out of her and my husband is the same. She has caused so much crap bec we share mutual friends, luckily they arent taking sides as such but have told me that they think she is out of order which means a lot to me but it means I cant attend social situations when shes there as I dont want there to be a scene and bec Im heavily pregnant I just dont want the hassle. Shes going away for a year in a few weeks so I can breath then but how do I stop being so bitter about someone that quite frankly isnt worth the effort.??

Beruthiel

Jotter wrote:

Anyway how on earth do I let her not get to me

Simple.
She's shown herself to be a silly, brainless little girl who you couldn't possible respect anymore.
People you don't respect cannot possibly get to you because they mean nothing.
Say it till it's true

Zulu

Jotter wrote:

She rang to say she no longer wants to be friends with me

Sounds like shes done you a massive favour! Just walk away. Your husband and his friend (if they are good mates) will work things out amonst themselves.
Never look a gift horse in the mouth!

AngryBadger

Sounds like she's a massive douche.....sorry, better off without this one.

Eve if she felt there was a legitimate gripe thsi is not the way to approach it.

py2006

I wouldn't be so hasty in ditching her! Afterall, she has been your friend for years.

Her behaviour is out of line. She will soon realise that. I went through something similar recently when a good friend of mine met a girl and got married. I got very annoyed with him as I was more or less disregarded.

I think this happens to alot of people when they get married.

I wouldn't tell her to f off or anything. Just keep the distance for a while and she will come around.

Hope that helps

Mrs_Doyle

I don't think your friend is brainless, I think she is terrified of being a grown up.
You are the one thing that has been consistent throughout her life and she needs your friendship to remain as it was forever, to give her that bit of stability.

I realise that this is ridiculous, but our needs, wants and feelings are not always sensible and logical.

You have married, and are expecting your first child, you have moved from teen to young adult to budding parent, to her it may have seemed as if this happened quite naturally for you - perhaps she is struggling to make the transition herself, and is being completely irrational in order to try regain some sort of control.

I could be way off, but as much ridiculous as your friend is being right now, she may have a few issues of her own to iron out.

py2006

Mrs_Doyle wrote:

I don't think your friend is brainless, I think she is terrified of being a grown up.
You are the one thing that has been consistent throughout her life and she needs your friendship to remain as it was forever, to give her that bit of stability.

Exactly! I was trying to say this but the words didn't come to me!

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

In answer to your question: Pity. Pity them.

Jotter

Thanks for the replies guys. There is no question of us ever being friends again. After her phonecall to me I was very upset and thought that I was a terrible friend and that everything was my fault. A very good friend of both of us told me this wasnt the case (after talking to x about it) she said that x had a very unrealistic view of friendship and her friendship with me didnt include change and the only reason she imposed this on me is bec noone else would put up with it, basically I was too soft with her.
I am well aware that the girl has issues, she always had these rules etc to our friendship but recently did a "course" that since made her worse. She paid 1800 eur to do this course in 2 parts, after part 1 she broke up with her boyf and only agreed to get back with him when he said hed change (sorry correct word is prob conform!) She then rang me and "broke up" with me, her intention was to end our old friendship and start a new casual one, in her words, but I told her this wasnt possible, I felt that the way she went about it and the things that she said were unacceptable and why would she want to be friends with me anyway if I was as horrible as she had made out!!?
I had calmed down about the whole thing but heard something yesterday that just angered me so much bec shes trying to stir sh*t between her boyf and my husband and it just brought up so much bitterness towards the girl - its fine if she doesnt want me as a friend but shes no right to interfere between the guys.
Anyway I feel better for ranting, I will now let go and get on with my life and put time into my family and friends that are actually worth something.
On the plus side if I ever get a female puppy I wont be stuck for a name !!!

ams

I think you realise you're better off without her!!!! Very best of luck with the new baby & everything.

dr.bollocko

I would suggest a 12 round no-holds barred, inter-gender inter-couple jelly wrestling match.
U just need a blow up pool, a metric tonne of jelly, and about 3 months to train for it after u have had the kid. My money is on you though, anybody that needy must have tiny arms.

oulu

First thing best of luck with new baby, this sounds like a person who I would not want around my kids and I think u feel the same. She will go way for a year and I bet she will try text ,email you which of course you will ignore, Then she will tell others that would are ignoring her not the other way round. She is jealous of you plain and simple, I think you know that dont you. So I think she made it easy for you one of the few good things she has ever done. But if you have something on your mind which is getting to you then you should let her have it. It is easy to say ignore and forget it but you will still think about her and her wicked ways, I was there I know what I am talking about, So I grabbed the bull by the horns and told the person who had issues with me what I though, I could not believe it I really felt like a hugh lump was gone from my back,mind , I felt much lighter. So you need to tell her what you have always wanted to say write it down it helps when you ring her. it is the only way I think not mature way but it works, as for her BF if he is a performing seal for her then he is better of without him as a friend. If you dont want to ring her send email, letter whatever but do somethung you will feel great after and all the feelings you have will disappear.

LegacyUser

Sounds to me like a right bunny boiler.

I have a 'best friend' - but because of his stupid
wife, I choose only to contact them at
Christmas time (once a year). And, I'm even
getting fedup with that !

I think U and d hubby need to consider something
similar with this 'head ****' and her boyfriend.

mickd

I disgree, why should you make any effort communcating with her unless you are looking for some reaction/validation from her. Its not ignoring or forgetting it, I just think there are better ways to spent your time and energy. Her behaviour shoudn't make you angry as by this recation you are giving her a place in your life she doesn't deserve. She is the way she is and any attempt at resolving it would be a futile exercise. I would end all communication and concentrate on more important things like your family.
Best of luck!!