Break up help??

LegacyUser

OK guys, its too painful to go into much detail right now. My girlfriend broke up with me 4 days ago and it feels pretty much like my worlds ended. I know this is stupid because it was a long distance relationship, and I'm very young.

Even though it was a long distance thing, we both told each other it could work out. I would of gone through with it untill it worked out. Anytime I had doubts on it, she told me it would work, but she told me she just couldnt do it anymore. And yeah even though it was a long distance thing, I got wrapped up in it. Big time. And now that she says its finished, I've had constant stomach cramps and chest pains. I'm a worrier. Can anyone give me any advice on this? It feels like I'm worrying just for the sake of worrying. Even when I go out to take my mind off of it, I'm still kind of in pain. This is my first sort of break up, so, I never really thought it would happen to me.

Another thing is, this girl says it was mainly because of the distance. But her problems with me was, she said that I was living in a fantasy believing it would work out, and I was too dreamy, and too lovely and all that. I put loads of work into this, a lot more than she did. I called her and texted her too much. "Obsessive" is the word she used, but I know I wasn't obsessive. I was never asking her if she was with other guys or that kind of thing. Basically, I kind of see myself as a sensetive, loving, clingy kind of guy. I really like being like that though. In the end, my girlfriend saw them as negative points. Should I? I really don't. I decided sometime I guess that life is too short, and if you find somebody you love you should give it absoloutely everything. I really don't go for playing games or that. Is this good or bad?

iguana

First off, you are not stupid for being heartbroken. You had real feelings for this girl and real hopes for this relationship. Now that it's over you have real feelings of heartbreak. Breaking up is always worse the first time, you have never broken up with someone before, and you have no experience of coping with how that makes you feel and how to get over it.

It's perfectly normal to feel physical pain. They call it heartache because it's common to get a physical pain in the chest. Stomach cramps can be common too. So there's no reason to worry about that.

As for the future, you may just have to learn to be less full on at the start of a relationship. While long-term relationships become very involved and couples live together, see each other every day and call and text each other several times during their work day, it can take a long time for most people to be comfortable with that. It's not playing games, it's just respecting the other persons boundaries.

But it will take a while to strike the right balance, it's why we usually have a number of relationships before we find the right person. People learn from past relationships, how to move through different stages of intimacy, how to get through the bad bits, when to hold on and when to give up and how to deal if it doesn't work out.

Right now you should probably cut off contact with this girl. It's easier to get over someone when you aren't around them. And however much you might not want to have to get over her, the sooner you accept that you have to the better off you'll be.

And don't fall into the trap of listening to sad music over and over, that will only prolong your suffering. Wallow for a few days and then start listening to some loud, angry music and take a shortcut to the anger stage of grief.

Good luck.

Ruu_Old

Sorry to hear about that OP. I was in a relationship at one stage with a girl from London but she broke it off for similar reasons, "distance" she said.
Theres nothing wrong or stupid about being heartbroken. Don't get too discouraged, long distance relationships can work but require a lot of work for both people (I know). Maybe she just wasn't into doing as much as you were. You have showed that you have a lot of care to give to someone special but give yourself some more time to heal. Catch up with some friends, talk a walk into town or do something to keep your mind off things. Best of luck.

Dub_Ster

all il say is learn from this . ok yes it really nice that you text her and call her so often but mate not everyday tho people need breaks etc , fare play to you for going at it like you have tho , the girl sounds liek she's in her 20s , lateish teens, and is it her first time away from home ? ...

in the future try not to be so predictable , i understand this is you and , you shouldnt have to change its good you care but , just relax a lil bit and ya no dont feel the need to text a bird ebery 5 minites etc ...

I no how you feel but theres loads of other women out there ...and dont sya you just want her casue that's silly . or that hse only really interests you as theres loads of interesting women out there ....

oh and chat to your mum or dad about it , i no its hard but youle feel confident i never talked about my relationships with my folks but then i started and it made me feel more confident and more open as a person

go forth and find other women my friend

bean

Fair dues to you for trying the whole long distance thing, i did it myself. You'll find that you will thank yourself for at least giving it a try.

After breaking up from a 3yr relationship myself i found that:

Going cold turkey worked wonders

Most importantly i got my self reliance back. First time long term relationships often mean that you put too much of yourself into it.

You find that you live under a cloud of doubt with a girl that you are sure of is going to end it really kills your confidence and general mojo. Now she is not in your life you will start to get your head back together.

You will realise that going out with someone is not a matter of life or death, especially in the early stages.

A relationship should not be filling anyone with fear or shouldnt rob them of their confidence.

Girls, ive found, like a sensative good guy. Just not one that is full of worry and seems to lack confidence.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

If she was looking to break it off with you then she would use behaviour that you cannot deny as reasons for doing so, infact, if she fell out of love with you then the behaviour you describe may well have annoyed her.

Find a girl who will appreciate everything you have to give and consider this a lucky break from someone who obviously didn't...best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. Really helped. Reading what you all have to say, I agree with a lot of it. I honestly never imagined I could give so much to a person, I did get to know myself a lot better throughout all of this so I guess its not a total loss.

The way this girl has acted right before and after the breakup showed me more than I probably wanted to see. She did mess me about. I remember one time when I was ready to finish it she was upset and that I was "quitting while I was ahead", which is excactly what she has done. I guess I'm the softer of the two of us.

Ruu_Old

Don't let it happen too often OP, if you are ever in doubt in a relationship talk to your partner instead of staying silent and encourage each other to chat every once in a while. It helps that you both are on the same page, saves a lot of hurt. Good luck.

metrovelvet

The best advice I ever got on this was "treat them like they are dead."

Iguana is quite right. Dont listen to sad music. Put on the angry music. It will keep you moving.

And dont ever give away so much of yourself that you can be left feeling betrayed.

oulu

All normal pal welcome to heartbreak hotel, best way is to get out there and meet more young girls and take experience from it, you have a long road ahead so get ready for more heartbreaks and also great times, so take the good with the bad

Minto

metrovelvet wrote:

And dont ever give away so much of yourself that you can be left feeling betrayed.

Sorry now, but thats the worst advice i've ever heard! If your afraid to put yourself out, then your never gonna find love! P.S. Your advice about the music is spot on, nothing like summit angry to help you forget about a girl!

To the OP, I know you hurt now, but in the long run, I promise that you'll be left wondering why you were so upset in the first place! Trust me (I speak with lots of personal experience) it gets easier every time! I know this is sad, but "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all"

TheTruthFairy

ghghrjrje wrote:

OK guys, its too painful to go into much detail right now. My girlfriend broke up with me 4 days ago and it feels pretty much like my worlds ended.

Well there we go. If you think your girlfriend is the only thing in your world you will be gutted when you split up. You need other interests. Basically you need to be content with yourself on your own. Then you won't be constantly texting when you meet another lady.

ghghrjrje wrote:

I know this is stupid because it was a long distance relationship, and I'm very young.

How often would you see her in person?

metrovelvet

Minto wrote:

Sorry now, but thats the worst advice i've ever heard! If your afraid to put yourself out, then your never gonna find love! P.S. Your advice about the music is spot on, nothing like summit angry to help you forget about a girl!

I meant that it seems like OP did most of the giving and reaching and when its so imbalanced then someone is bound to feel betrayed. Take your risks slowly and steadily, thats all.

Yes as for music, my personal favourite rage sounds are public enemy and slayer.