Mothers problem with alcohol had left lasting problems

LegacyUser

This problem seems to evoke a lot of "get over it" type responses from my friends so I thought I'd look else where for some advice. It's pretty long though, so be warned.

My mother's always had a bit of an "in the closet" drink problem. What I mean by in the closet is, it's never been made public, her friends don't know, she's never made a spectacle of herself in front of people (that could remember her that is, family holidays are an exception) and her behavior has never been questionable enough for anyone outside of imediate family to question it. Rather it was always up to me and my Dad to pick up the peices after a night out, one of us would have to walk her home when she got so drunk she couldn't remember who we were or where she lived, we'd babysit her into the early hours of the morning after she'd collapse and deal with her getting violent when she drank at home. I saw some fairly awful things for a child to see, and it didn't stop at her, she'd have parties in the house and on more than one occasion I'd wake up to find one of the drunken guests in my room, male I might add so I don't want to think of what they were doing in there.

You might question why one of us never sent her to her a counceller or a doctor. Well this has been happening as long as I remember and now that I'm actually old enough to realise there's a massive problem in a home when a child has to talk down a drunken and violent adult, she stops. Not to say that she's stopped drinking, but her behavior's certanty calmed down and now seeing her sober in the evening's is a very frequent thing. So I worry about her less these days and if she does get in a bad way, it's nothing my Dad can't handle by himself, so overall my family life is fairly good these days.

Despite how nice things have gotten over the last year or so, My Mother's drinking has already left it's mark on me. I was bullied as a kid, I was incredible quiet so I was an easy target, but that's a story for another day. However all of this added up to make a fairly unhappy kid, who unfortunatly learned from example and would raid her parents liquor cabinet when things got bad, just like my mother did.

I honestly don't remember the first time I did it, it was always my knee jerk reaction to a bad situation though; "Oh it's okay, this'll make me feel better, it works for Mum so it must do some good". I didn't get myself drunk that frequently but when I did, I'd be in a very very bad way, but I'd always keep it to myself, stay in my room ect, then just sleep it off.

Rewind to around two years ago, I was 15 or 16 and heading off to a house party for Halloween, I had an arguement with my Mother before I left. I don't remember about what but I remember feeling like absolute crap for most of the evening, so I hit the bottle. Given that everyone was drinking, another drunken girl stumbling around went fairly unoticed, however a friends boyfriend was there and at one point in the night I remember looking up over a chair and slurring a hello to him. He shot me a filthy look and walked off. so in a breif moment of clarity I realised this was not the way to deal with things, I was steadily turning into my mother.

I should point out that I never drank for pleasure, it was a way of forgeting about problems for me, nothing more. I might also be giving off the impression I was hammered every other night, I wasn't, just when everything got a little too much.

So I decided at that point, it was probably time to stop. No more oppertunities to drink myself silly arose over the next few months and I continued with life fairly happily. While I was learning to deal with problems sober, my friend broke up with her boyfriend and to make a long story short we ended up together, and we're still together now.

When we got togther he had never drank in his life, his idea was that he never felt like he needed it. Which I admired, alot, and getting together with him was another reason for me to stay sober, now I had moral support, no matter what happened I would always have someone sober to turn to at a party or if I had a problem. Bare in mind this wasn't my motive for going out with him at all however, just in case anybody jumps to that conclusion. We become very close and I felt safe with him, he was almost a protection from the alcoholism I'd seen in my famliy, he was the polar opposite of what I'd grown up with.

Anyway so I began a sober life and everything was perfectly rosy, up untill last month, when the boyfriend turned 18 and decides he wants to start drinking. Fine I thought, I can live with that... Except that I realised I can't... It was at his brother's 21st that he had his first two pints with me and one of our mates, who was drinking as well. For the first time of being out with my friends, I felt like a complete spare, like I didn't belong anymore, but that's not even the problem, when he got slightly tipsy all I couldn't think of was my mother, my mother being drunk, looking after people being drunk, me being drunk, just an awful lot of bad things all over again.

I went home and mulled over everything in my head, in the end I decided that it wasn't that big a deal, he was only tipsy and I don't mind being the only sober one, that's just a matter of adjusting to things. But I felt imensly hurt over the whole scenario, mainly because I told him about my relationship with drink months before now and he said to me "You know what, I don't think I'm ever going to drink, it just doesn't seem worth it". And I took that statement to heart. Which, in retrospect, was kinda a stupid thing to do. But I considered him my safety net against all things alcohol, he was the one person I could rely on in my life who I knew would never be drunk when I needed them, and now I'd lost that.

He asked me himself was I okay with him drinking, to which I told him more or less all of the above, and he suggested he stopped drinking untill I turned 18. I don't know where he picked up that idea but he seemed to get it into his head I'd stopped drinking because I was underage, so I corrected him on that point but now, no matter how I phrase the situation, he seems to think my biggest problem is that I'll be the only sober person when we go out... Which isn't it at all, up untill awhile ago I hadn't drank in ages, I'm well able to deal with going out and not drinking.

So in the end I started to drink again, not much, but for the first time I went to the pub with him, just to have a drink, just one, when I was in a perfectly good mood, and it was kinda nice... Unfortunatly certain drinks I would have favoured to get me drunk as a kid I can't seem to touch anymore, even the smell of them makes me want to be physically sick. But I still can't seem to cope, watching him drink makes me feel nervous, very alone and slightly abandoned, he said he wouldn't drink, and it's obvious now he didn't mean it, but still, he got my hopes up a ridiculous amount. The only way I can seem to deal with it presently, is to drink when he drinks, and match him drink for drink, so no matter how drunk he ever manages to get, I'll be just as bad, but this isn't the way I want to deal with it. I hate alcohol! The taste the smell, the feeling of being drunk just reminds me of some awful times... but it feels better than watching him get slightly inebriated without me.

I feel more or less snookered, I can't ask him to stop drinking, he enjoys it and has been waiting 18 years to be able to go out and have a drink, I can't pop up now and ask him to stop for my sake. But if we continue like this I'll just end up making myself drink for the sake of it. This doesn't cause problems everyday but it makes me worry coming up to every night out... "Maybe he'll end up drunk tonight or maybe I will". It's a ridiculous way to think, he's not even a heavy drinker, the most he's had in one night is three pints! But complete fear takes hold when I see him even have one and it just feels like I'm falling off the edge of a cliff and can't do anything to stop it.

Thanks if you've read this far.

Kell

Going Unreged wrote:

But complete fear takes hold when I see him even have one and it just feels like I'm falling off the edge of a cliff and can't do anything to stop it.

You need to try and dis-associate your boyfriends drinking from your mothers drinking. They arent the same thing. You also need to be comfortable in the fact of only being the only non drinker if everyone else is drinking. If it works for you to be sober, fúck everyone else.

Methinks you may need therapy to get over the impact your mother has had on your life though. I am not entirely sure, but arent there some sort of support groups specifically for relatives of alcoholics (someone back me up here)?

Dont be afraid to be sober and not drink yourself to inebriation every weekend like most people in Ireland do. Its a good thing as far as I am concerned.

Do go and seek some form of therapy though. You need to have the association between your BF's drinking, your drinking and your mothers driking broken fairly rapidly if this is bringing you down so much.

K-

Beruthiel

Going Unreged wrote:

"Maybe he'll end up drunk tonight or maybe I will". It's a ridiculous way to think, he's not even a heavy drinker, the most he's had in one night is three pints! But complete fear takes hold when I see him even have one and it just feels like I'm falling off the edge of a cliff and can't do anything to stop it..

The only person you can control in this life is yourself. Not everyone is going to be taken over by the demon drink, lots of people can handle it.
He's 18, this is what 18 year old do a lot of the time. He probably wants to drink but is afraid of upsetting you at the same time. Try to trust him until he proves you shouldn't.
You've been through a lot, would you consider talking to a professional in order to get over that loss of control feeling and basically to help you in general, I think it would help you a lot.

Nevyn

Alateen
Fellowship of young people whose lives have been or are being affected by a parent's compulsive drinking. Can be contacted through Al Anon information centre. Holds meetings all over Ireland.

Contact
Alateen
Al Anon Information Centre
5/6 Capel Street
Dublin 1

Helpline Number Weekends only 01 8732699
Phone 01 8732699

http://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/Mental_Health_Services_Local.asp?NationalGroupID=17&IllnessGroupID=2&
the site has contact information for other places arround the country.

Dudess

OP, you seem like such a strong, mature person. I can't believe you're over 10 years younger than me! Even at the age I am now, I'd find it hard not to go to pieces if I were to go through what you've gone through. Although, maybe it's precisely what you've been through that's made you so strong. You have such a good attitude and an amazing understanding of yourself for someone so young. Yes, you've turned to alcohol to numb the pain but you understand why you've done it and you've been incredibly disciplined enough to stop drinking - I've no doubt many young people in your situation wouldn't even see the above for what it is.
With all of this, I think you're armed to be ok. I'd advise you to stick to your guns. If you hate drink, then you should not drink. At all. Your boyfriend is entitled to go out and have a few - plenty of people sing off the "I don't think I'll ever drink" hymn-sheet before their socialising years begin (I'm sure I did ). That's not hypocritical - it's just naive. Unfortunately, most people in their late teens drink. That doesn't mean you have to. Your relationship with alcohol is probably deemed not to be a healthy one, so wouldn't it make more sense to ensure your long-term health and happiness are intact rather than drinking just so you won't feel left out? You're your own person. If your boyfriend is worth it, he'll understand perfectly.

smallpaws

Hi, all I can add is that what everyone has said before me is dead on correct, especialy about seeing atherapist and going to alateen. I'm about twenty years older than you, and I can tell you from experience that doing everything you can to help yourself out by going to therapy and some meetings at Alateen is the best choice you can make.I had the same upbringing you did, with the same problems. I can see myself in what you have posted; the weird thing about alcoholism is its ordinary sort of sameness, whereever you go, drink/addiction and its effects on kids who live with an addicted parent are just the same. Take the focus of your thoughts off your boyfriend, your mother, etc aand keep them on you and learning about how you can become happier and (I'm an American, forgive me, we can't go a day without some kind of pop psychology wording somewhere ) emotionally safer and more at ease within yourself. You sound like a really brave and smart girl already. You'll only do better and better.

Victor

Moderate drinking isn't "bad". My niece turns 18 this Friday. Rather than have her learn how to drink behind the bushes in the park, her parents have allowed her the occassional glass of beer or wine with dinner. It seems to be a balanced approach.

Perhaps you, your boyfriend and mother need to find a balance in your drinking somewhere between 0% and 100% (note 0% is perfectly OK).

athena 2000

Going Unreged wrote:

I went home and mulled over everything in my head, in the end I decided that it wasn't that big a deal, he was only tipsy and I don't mind being the only sober one, that's just a matter of adjusting to things. But I felt imensly hurt over the whole scenario, mainly because I told him about my relationship with drink months before now and he said to me "You know what, I don't think I'm ever going to drink, it just doesn't seem worth it". And I took that statement to heart. Which, in retrospect, was kinda a stupid thing to do. But I considered him my safety net against all things alcohol, he was the one person I could rely on in my life who I knew would never be drunk when I needed them, and now I'd lost that.

Please do call Alateen or Alanon as has been suggested. They really do help people and families. A friend of mine now works on a local board for the organization, and it has been immensely helpful to her. It will help you so much to sort out your feelings and your sadness over your mother. This is a big deal for you, and I think talking to a professional would also be worth your time. Don't discount your feelings and thoughts and brush them away. You deserve to be happy and healthy in every sense of the word.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for all your reply's so far, sometimes it's good to hear other's people's take on the situation, it really helps put things into perspective.

I think I might try and re-explain the situation to my boyfriend. It's easier to put the whole situation down on a forum like this, I can read over it the whole story again and explain it properly. When I talk to people face to face, expecially over something like this, that I wouldn't speak of often, I get nervous, don't juggle my thoughts properly and hence, leave out details, don't put things in the appropriate wording and end up not getting my whole story across in the way I wanted.

Therapy might be something to look into, but in a year or two when I have more disposable income, I did once have a go at going to the school guidance counceller, but barely told her half of what was wrong, I was far too afraid of her telling someone else, so as a result I got the impression she thought I was making a fuss over nothing and she never called me back to see her again.

An Alateen meeting seems like a really good idea, now all I have to do is gather the courage to go to one, I tend to balk at the idea of going to anywhere that I'd have to admit to anyone that something is wrong (I even hate going to doctors =P) But it can only do good, so I think that's something I'll look into over the next week or two.

Beruthiel

Victor wrote:

Moderate drinking isn't "bad". My niece turns 18 this Friday. Rather than have her learn how to drink behind the bushes in the park, her parents have allowed her the occassional glass of beer or wine with dinner. It seems to be a balanced approach.

I have done that with my daughter since she was 14. As a result she has never felt the need to head off to some park as you said, but rather just has the odd drink when she feels like it.
She said to me the other day that I totally took away that mad urge her mates have to go somewhere and knock back a bottle of something so their parents do see it.

I tend to balk at the idea of going to anywhere that I'd have to admit to anyone that something is wrong

Until you come clean, pour your heart out, tell the whole sorry truth, you will not start to heal. The first step must be admitting it all.
best of luck