31 and depressed

willy wonka

Has any 30-somethings experienced this?

I am 31, been single for over 5 years and getting very sick of it I can tell you!
When I was in my 20s I would get attention from men and never had a problem "getting" them. Now I find myself completely invisible - I still consider myself attractive, keep in shape, etc but when I go out I never get much attention from men. It is depressing the hell out of me.

BTW I don't go out looking for men but it is still nice to be noticed. I am independent and dont sit at home waiting for someone but at this stage it is quite lonely. Girlfriends my own age are married/in serious relationships.
I've joined clubs and got togethr with ppl from work but nothing ever seems to work out.

At this stage, now that my looks are gone I feel it's too late to meet anyone.
I don't want to sound melodramatic but it seems so hopeless

^CwAzY^

ah its never 2 late 2 meet sum1, my mam n dad met when she was 35. take it easy..

Dudess

willy wonka wrote:

I still consider myself attractive, keep in shape, etc

At this stage, now that my looks are gone I feel it's too late to meet anyone.
I don't want to sound melodramatic but it seems so hopeless

Those two points contradict each other. Are you saying your looks are gone because you genuinely believe it to be true, or because you've suffered so much rejection you believe it must be because your looks are gone? Or because you believe in a certain notion (media-created, probably) that once you hit 30 your looks magically vanish (yet at the same time the media celebrates the looks of countless 30-something and 40-something women - Cameron Diaz, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Lopez, Catherine Zeta Jones, Naomi Watts, Kylie Minogue - the list goes on, and a lot of them are older than you.) As you said, you've been single for five years - that includes three or four years of your 20s, when you said that men did give you attention, so I wouldn't say it's your looks or lack thereof. Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems like a self-esteem issue to me. Are you confident? Or used you be confident but this rejection you've experienced has been grinding away at whatever confidence you had? If you were confident and loved yourself (not to the point of arrogance, mind) it would shine through and age, looks, whatever wouldn't matter a jot. 31 isn't 18 but it's still quite young and not at all too late to meet someone - a lot moreso today when women choose to forego marriage and children until much later than, for example, their mothers' generation. At the same time, don't let your looks go. Make an effort and I'm sure you'll look fabulous. Remember, you're in the flirty 30s!

Blu Eyz

You gotta love yourself girl and have some confidence in yourself if you want someone to love you….

I agree single life can be lonely ….. im single nearly 3 years at this stage Ive a pain in my arse .. I spend my weekends with a large group of friends, go out for dinner, clubbing, parties, its during the week when it really hits me…….the bottle of wine and the DVD on the couch......your guy beside you……all touchy feely where u ended up getting frisky on the couch…….hmmmm that’s really what I miss….

Having said that, all I can say is cheer up, its Summer, get out there with a smile on your face, cos the more manic you get about it I find …. the less chances you have of meeting the one….I hate to say this cos I hate when its said to me but the reality is, its when you least expect it…..argh …. Sorry !

Lately ive gotten so ****in stressed at being single and whats the point ? As you say yourself, your attractive, your independent, you keep fit, you seem to have an active social life, well thank God for that, it would be worse if you didn’t have all this. If all you have to worry about is the lack of a man in your life its not the end of the world, from one 31 year old singleton to another…..Hang in there girl x:)

Bring back Sex in the City !!!

CathyMoran

I think that you just need some more confidence in yourself. I am 32 and I would be far more confident about myself now than I was in my 20's and I feel that I have a better figure too!

I think that you need to forget about looking for a man and then a relationship will find you...I have only ever found love at the most akward times when I was not looking for it.

Laslo

Why not try and chat up a guy you fancy? Has it dawned on you that there are a lot of nice, eligible bachelors out there that are terrified to chat you up, even though they might want to? It's not easy deciphering from stuck, nasty bitches and genuine, nice girls these days so a lot of men don't bother at all anymore. Make the first move girl.

Marksie

Its far from hopeless .
Worrying about it will not change matters, looking back will not change things. I have learned to live in the now, to thoroughly enjoy myself. To actually live and be, not to worry about conventions and i find that it is liberating, stimulating and there are a lot of us out there!

I have moved through my flirty thirties, am into my naughty forties (42) and am intruiged by my nifty fifties.

So you are single... being single makes you tingle.

Put aside worries about meeting the one and he will pop up!

I am happy and confident in who i am, more importantly i am growing to know me more. Once you reach a point of self awareness it all just clicks . Inner confidence and an inner smile simply radiate out ! and hey, as laslo points out with the confidence of self you wont wait to be asked..you will ask!

And another truism .......

when you realise that you dont need someone to be happy, that is axactly when they will walk into your life

Nevyn

Sounds like you fell into the over 26 trap.
Some people seem to think that if you are over 25 then you are expecting to get into a seriousl relationship and get a 3 to 5 year plan togheter to get a house and marraite sorted on the path to having kids.
This can have guys looking at dating women under that age.

LegacyUser

Hi Willywonka!

Don't be so blue. Life, it seems, has an all too elegant way of taking the wind out your sails sometimes and kicking you to the ground but you'll bounce backfor sure, I'll bet. It sounds like you're going through a bit of a rough patch.

There's loads I'd like to say but I'll keep my bit short.

Firstly ... don't look at your girlfiends marriages/relationships with envy.
I know it may seem like the cause and answer to your unhappiness at the moment but it is not necessarily so. I'm pretty sure many of us know plenty of people who are in marriages or relationships for all the wrong reasons. Fear of lonliness, or 'just because everyone else is doing' are probably two of the main causes. Which are not valid reasons, imo. If you lived a day or two in there shoes I'm sure you'd get an interesting insight past the cosmetics of some of them.

I think the bottom line to all of this though is, in much the same way that I wouldn't trust my employeer with my career path/progression or a knacker with my car keys ... I would never place my happiness or potential happiness in the hands of some idealistic, abstract women ... whom may never even exist ! There's NO way I'm waiting on that. They can come and find me

Like yourself and most other people I'll go through the odd rough patch. They're a natuarl part of our lifes unfortunately but for the other 90% of it I feel I've cultivated a fantastic happiness inside myself. (I've suffered greatly from depression in the past too). I'm never ever bored and take great pleasure in doing some things that give me a great sense of accomplishment. For example I'm producing an album all by myself and writing a book at the moment. Not because I feel I have to do these things to validate my existence ... but because I'm truely passionate about them right now.

To me, it sounds like you need to take some time out. Make yourself feel better materialistically first. New clothes, manicure, pedicure, facial ... etc ... when you're looking your best you'll feel much better. Then maybe look inwards a little and see what you'd like to do with yourself as opposed to being down about us ****heads

Remember ... do whatever YOU feel you need to do make YOU feel better about yourself. Not whatever you feel you SHOULD do to make others make you feel better!

CraggyIslander

Turn that frown upside down willy wonka Be happy ur free, do the stuff you really enjoy for yourself, not others. That will pick up your self confindence up no end and that my lass will show and men will see that too Least I know I would take notice :cool:

I'm 35, single again and when I feel myself getting blue like you, I take my camera to the park or zoo... lose myself for couple hours in the wonders of nature and the next day when I'm not blue anymore I notice the smiles I get from women and say to myself, see life ain't that bad

So turn that into a missy!

Kell

willy wonka wrote:

I still consider myself attractive, keep in shape, etc but when I go out I never get much attention from men. It is depressing the hell out of me.

This is one thing that bothers me about women. In this day and age, why arent women communicating with men in the way we are expected to communicate with women i.e. why dont women chat men up?

I cant understand people, irrelevant of gender, wanting something and not doing something about it. In fact, the fact that people flounder around going "where is the love of my life and I am so invisible" yet do fúck all about it bugs the shíte out of me.

OP, I appreciate that people have an inherent fear of rejection that prevents lots of people chatting others up, but your 31 FFS and presumably been around the block a few times (meant with best intent). Why are men supposed to "get over themselves and make the first move" when you guys wont? BTW, its only to the retards that think you're "desperate" if you make the first move. *I always find it refreshing.

Bah!

K-

Kell is also 31, happily single and will be in town later for drinks

Beruthiel

willy wonka wrote:

It is depressing the hell out of me.

Maybe they can pick up on that?
OP
I got waaay more attention in my 30's than I ever did in my 20's
Why?
Because I had lots more confidence, was (am) truly enjoying life and I just don't care what I say or do, be they stranger or friend.
Basically I'm being myself in a way I didn't have the confidence to in earlier life.
Stop caring if you find someone, stop caring what you say, just go out and have a ball. I'm betting you'll see a big change.


[pimp]oh
and kell is quite cute btw [/pimp]

Kell

Beruthiel wrote:

oh
and kell is quite cute btw

I like you Bru. Did I ever tell you that?

K-

willy wonka

hi, Thanks for all the kind words and support.

First of all I am more confident than I was in my twenties (but probably always had a self-esteem issue). I wouldn't be the most confident person though.
And I have taken time out for me - I went back to college as a mature student and am studying something i am very passionate about. I have lost myself in hobbies and interests etc. I am so passionate about so many things and have completely forgotten about men when I am doing these things.

But after doing these things I am still 'on the shelf'. And I genuinely am living my life, not looking for men but still I am on my own. My aunt (aged 54) has never been married - at this stage she says she has been so long on her own she no longer wants a man. I have a feeling that I will end up like this. I'm sorry if I sound like such a misery guts, but I am generally a very upbeat person but as dudess said this has been grinding away at my confidence.

Marksie

Beruthiel wrote:

Maybe they can pick up on that?
OP
I got waaay more attention in my 30's than I ever did in my 20's
Why?
Because I had lots more confidence, was (am) truly enjoying life and I just don't care what I say or do, be they stranger or friend.
Basically I'm being myself in a way I didn't have the confidence to in earlier life.
Stop caring if you find someone, stop caring what you say, just go out and have a ball. I'm betting you'll see a big change.


[pimp]oh
and kell is quite cute btw [/pimp]

Are you matchmaking there beruthiel?

You are right though.... it too me until thirties to realise i didnt have to conform to what society expected.
So i don't... i follow what instincyively feels right.
Having done that, i find that everything is really wide open.

I have a circle of friends of similar mindset and outlook. one of whom is a lady of 58, and is happily dating guys much younger than her! Her view being, if i get into a reltionship fine, but enjoy the now

SexeeAussie

WillyWonka, I have to say that I can sympathise with you 100% although my situation is slightly different. I too am 31 years young....verging on 32...(but hanging on to 31 by the skin of my teeth for another few months)

I am single and finding it really hard at the moment yet I have two children (12 and almost 5). My friends who don't have kids envy the fact I do, yet I envy them for being ahead career wise and financially more secure.

I think the grass is always greener!!! Because I have the kids and work as well, I don't have many opportunities to socialise (esp with the opposite sex!) so the chances of meeting someone get slimmer and slimmer, but as the other posters have said, I am hoping that when I least expect it, someone will pop into my life!

Be confident in who you are. Accept that you aren't getting any younger, but don't allow your behaviours or attitude age beyond your years!

Goodluck

SA

Kell

willy wonka wrote:

I have lost myself in hobbies and interests etc. I am so passionate about so many things and have completely forgotten about men when I am doing these things.

And I genuinely am living my life, not looking for men

I really dont understand what it is you are looking for then. On one hand you are feeling on the shelf and invisible, and on the other you are :rolleyes: .

What exactly is it that you want? Perhaps start from there. Its all to easy to wallow about in being unhappy about something, but without a point you want to get to, you'll stay in that not really too happy place.

So, are you looking for male company or are you not?

K-

Marksie

Kell wrote:

.

So, are you looking for male company or are you not?

K-

I just love the subtle approach ...

Kell

marksuttonie wrote:

I just love the subtle approach ...

As a brick.

It is true though that most people who are down about something flute around in some form of "going nowhere" state rather than work out what it is they want. At least if you come up with a plan and fail, you can always say "I tried". Inaction leaves you with nothing.

And I wasnt for a moment suggesting that I should step in and fill that gap. But...........:D

K-

Nevyn

<insert standard disclaimer that boards.ie is not a dating, hook up or fbsite>

willy wonka maybe you just need a change of scene and to try something abit different and to mix with a differnt type of people.
Why not come along to the next boards beers ?

smash

have you tried online dating sites? I do know people who have had a lot of success using them.

Kell

Thaedydal wrote:

<insert standard disclaimer that boards.ie is not a dating, hook up or fbsite>

Was that aimed at me?? :eek:

I am trying to get the OP to explain what it is she really wants, because so far (unless I need a new prescription or a new monitor) I cant see that she has.

K-

On best behaviour with no shameless soliciting going forward. I promise.

willy wonka

SexeeAussie wrote:

I am single and finding it really hard at the moment yet I have two children (12 and almost 5).
SA

Hi SexeeAussie! I know it must be hard when you have kids but it is very admirable. If guys dont see this, they're blind.
A good friend of mine is recently divorced and is raising 3 kids on her own, she works and she does a lot of sports. She's nearly 40 but she keeps herself so well. She doesnt have a man, but I think she is sooo attractive because she is such a strong, independent woman and I think it's crazy she doesnt have a boyfriend.

Kell wrote:

I really dont understand what it is you are looking for then.

I am looking for a boyf. When I said i wasn't lookng for men, I meant I don't go out with the intention of looking for a man cos I know how off-putting that is. I have gone off and done my own thing and forgot about looking for a boyf but still no one turns up! I am not too desperate but I just miss companionship and also the physical side of a relationship

Hi Thaedydal - thanks for the invite, I'll keep it in mnd if i'm in dubin at any stage

brown*eyed*girl

Hi Willy Wonka,

I'm pretty much the same as sexy aussie insofar that I'm 30, single parent to a 13yr old and almost 4yr old and work four full days each week and in the middle of renovating my house so my socialising and free time is limited as I want to spend quality time with my kids when I'm off work or catch up on housework, diy etc. What I think you need to do is focus on the positive stuff in your life i.e. you're pretty much a free agent and not tied down with kids so why don't you head off travelling for a year or so. I'm actually planning on going travelling when my daugther hits 18 and finished her leaving cert (she can come with me or live in our house) as I'll be 35 and my son will be 8 almost nine (he'll definiately come with me) and tbh will still think I'm young when I'm 35, fcuk it I'll be like Joan Collins! Stop dwelling on the negatives and thinking that 31 is old . Join a gym and focus on toning up (not saying you need to) but the more healthy you are the better. Most importantly stop pining to meet a boyfriend as this never works. Also its never too late to meet the love of your life. My Mam met my step dad when I was 13 and they will be married 15 years this september. My Mam was around your age when she met my stepdad. And like sexy aussie said the grass always seems greener on the other side but like someone else said too those couples with 2.5 kids and a car and who seem to have it all have thier fair share of problems too.

Best of luck girl

Kell

willy wonka wrote:

I am looking for a boyf.

At last. And what have you done about it? As I said earlier, why the expectation that we are just going to cruise on over full of quirky chat up lines, when you are loathe to undertake similar excursion?

OT- I was talking to some delightful American ladies at the weekend who assure me that in the States its much more of a level playing field in the business of making *"first contact".

From your beers reference I take it you live outside Dublin? Do you find that it makes it more **difficult to meet someone nice.

K-

*I was born in the wrong country, I really was.

**Kell displaying his gargantuan ignorance of the dating scene outside the big schmoke

Marksie

Kell wrote:

".

From your beers reference I take it you live outside Dublin? Do you find that it makes it more **difficult to meet someone nice.

K-

I find it difficult, i live in laois and end up spread all over the place, the weekend scene there isnt my style.
Not that you were asking me kell.
its somwehat....introverted for lack of a better word:eek:

Kell

marksuttonie wrote:

I find it difficult, i live in laois and end up spread all over the place

Kell calms his comments on Willy Wonka not getting off her árse and doing something if the same applies.

K-

free2fly

Would you like some cheese with that whine OP? Sorry, but you do come across as feeling very sorry for yourself. I'm a more, let's say, mature woman than you are. I would suggest that you stop whining and do something about your situation! Men will not flock to you if come across as a sorry little thing. Do something to get back your confidence. It has been amazing the attention that I have been receiving from men since I have been able to do that! A confident woman with a smile on her face is much more likely to attract a man than a whiny, oh-woe-is-me woman. Seriously. Think about it.

Marksie

SexeeAussie wrote:

I think the grass is always greener!!! Because I have the kids and work as well, I don't have many opportunities to socialise (esp with the opposite sex!) so the chances of meeting someone get slimmer and slimmer, but as the other posters have said, I am hoping that when I least expect it, someone will pop into my life!

SA and browneyedgirl you both have time draining commitments at the moment. But you both will find someone should you so desire. for the simple reason that you have the attitude of the grass is greener. there will be plenty of guys out there . and your chances wont get slimmer or slimmer but more and more

Your still young ..... and your time will free up.

Willy wonka has no such commitments. But has no drive to do anything about it. if you want to find someone then you have to go and get someone
maybe kell shouldn't have curtailed his comments

willy wonka

free2fly wrote:

Would you like some cheese with that whine OP? Sorry, but you do come across as feeling very sorry for yourself. I'm a more, let's say, mature woman than you are. I would suggest that you stop whining and do something about your situation! Men will not flock to you if come across as a sorry little thing. Do something to get back your confidence. It has been amazing the attention that I have been receiving from men since I have been able to do that! A confident woman with a smile on her face is much more likely to attract a man than a whiny, oh-woe-is-me woman. Seriously. Think about it.

I am generally a happy, friendly person, and I dont do the woe-is-me thing, so it cant be that which is deterring men. I am so passionate about so many things and I love life so I am not a moaner. I am just a bit down cos I've been on my own for so long.

At last. And what have you done about it? As I said earlier, why the expectation that we are just going to cruise on over full of quirky chat up lines, when you are loathe to undertake similar excursion?

I used to approach men in niteclubs but I dont anymore because I cant take the rejections. And I dont loathe it when men chat me up - I started the thread saying that I would love some male attention so it would be welcomed!

I stay in good shape and look after myself so I dont think its my looks.
I've come to the conclusion that it may be a self esteem issue.
Thanks everyone for the advice

Kell

willy wonka wrote:

I am not a moaner.

Well thats torn it. :mad:

willy wonka wrote:

I used to approach men in niteclubs but I dont anymore because I cant take the rejections.

I am not suggesting that you chat up everything that moves, but one sounds like ones needs to develop a slightly thicker skin. Think to yourself "fúck it. Their loss" and move on.

willy wonka wrote:

I stay in good shape and look after myself so I dont think its my looks. I've come to the conclusion that it may be a self esteem issue.

Hmmn- that could be a harder one to overcome alright. It shows you see.

G'luck with it.

K-