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Love Letter - feedback welcomed

  • 27-07-2006 6:09pm
    #1
    MDP
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭


    Three pages filled with careful ink
    Sentiments spread upon the pure snow
    Whiteness of the page and thoughts
    Of just how little that you know

    Trembling heart and trembling hand
    Have folded my words and my longing
    Desires close my eyes and mind
    Opens to welcome your coming

    Each dove I held was decorated
    With my hearts own blood rich red
    Ink runs deeper than a river of regret
    For three pages that you never read


Comments

  • #2
    Odaise Gaelach
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,235 ✭✭✭Odaise Gaelach


    I felt sorry for you at the end, when you said, "For three pages that you never read".

    Good work! Well done! :)


  • #3
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭lilmissprincess


    I like it a lot. The rhyming scheme is lovely and simplistic, which somehow seems to me to represent the innocencce of this love letter thing. And the sorrow in the final verse..man you pulling heartstrings here. Excellent.


  • #4
    MDP
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭MDP


    cheers for the feedback :D

    Hope all the tears I caused have now been dried :p


  • #5
    Sleipnir
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,513 ✭✭✭Sleipnir


    Very good.

    Copy>Paste to email>Send to Girlfriend=sex tonight.

    Cheers!


  • #6
    shiv
    Closed Accounts Posts: 408 ✭✭shiv


    I like 'Have folded my words and my longing' best, great imagery!
    The rest I think could use some work, especially the last para...


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  • #7
    lowdenclear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 60 ✭✭lowdenclear


    I think its great... :D


  • #8
    Black Swan
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 47,528 CMod ✭✭✭✭Black Swan


    Heart felt and personal.


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