Idiot around girl I love

LegacyUser

I met this girl at work. We bumped into each other every so often and I was REALLY attracted to her. I found out a few months later that she was too, and we got it together at a party. The thing is that I could never relax around her and I ended up talking ****e a lot of the time. When she saw me first, I hadn't spotted her so I was myself, and that was what she liked.

Since we got together, I transformed into this retard every time we met, and she finished with me after a few weeks. The truth is I really love this girl, but she doesnt realize that I am the person she was originally attracted to, I just can't be myself around her.

She told me that she wasn't over her ex. The next guy she was with was a rebound fling and she thought it was out of her system. She liked me for a few months but didnt make a move until she thought she was sure. She felt bad about it, and handled it so well that I like her even more.

We still keep in touch but I dont ever want to go near another girl. Of the serious relationships I've had, she was the best. For the time she did love me (or at least thought she did), she was the best partner I've ever had.

I'd probably put this together better but I've had a few drinks. Everytime I meet her, I make really primitive conversation... if I can't snap out of it, I'll never win her back. I don't really want to get her out of my system because she's prefect for me.

I'm keeping as busy as I can but night time alone is unbareable. I feel so lonely and reduced.

I really appreciate any advice. Even the 'move on' routine (which I cant do yet, I can't give up)

Thank you,

IdiotAroundHer

biko

Tricky one. Perhaps you should try to minimize time together, acting casual? Give it 2 weeks like that. Say Hi and the like but then move off. Try to be friends but give her the old wink every once in a while

What's are the ages here? It kinda seem like a work fling thb.

Fanny Cradock

two things:

1) a relationship that lasts a few weeks can't be serious, imo.

2) possibly, just possibly, she isn't not attrated to you or interested in a relationship - gibbering idiot or not. thinking otherwise could be you attempting to delude yourself into an outcome that isn't possible. it's nice to think there is more to you as a person, and no doubt there is, but you may have to face up to the reality that she really isn't interested. she's moved on... maybe you should too.

however, if you choose to look on this in a more positive light then you should remember that she was/is (? big question mark about the latter) attracted to you. if youu meet her again think about this before hand. think positive and use this knowledge as encouragement. obviously if she keeps intouch she doesn't think you're a gob****e.

Black Swan

IdiotAroundHer wrote:

Since we got together, I transformed into this retard every time we met, and she finished with me after a few weeks. The truth is I really love this girl, but she doesnt realize that I am the person she was originally attracted to, I just can't be myself around her.

Have you shared this with her?

I'd probably put this together better but I've had a few drinks.

Hope you didn't drink a lot around her while you were dating. Would not recommend you do if you decide to talk with her.

Odds are, it's over, and time to move on. But if you can stand the risk and chance of rejection, then perhaps sharing your feelings with her might be worth the chance? But realise it appears to be a long shot now...

joebhoy1916

IdiotAroundHer wrote:

Since we got together, I transformed into this retard every time we met, and she finished with me after a few weeks.

A few weeks as in what 2 weeks?

IdiotAroundHer wrote:

We still keep in touch but I dont ever want to go near another girl. Of the serious relationships I've had, she was the best. For the time she did love me (or at least thought she did), she was the best partner I've ever had.

Best relationship? Didn't you say she finished with you a few weeks later?

IdiotAroundHer wrote:

I'd probably put this together better but I've had a few drinks. Everytime I meet her, I make really primitive conversation... if I can't snap out of it, I'll never win her back. I don't really want to get her out of my system because she's prefect for me.

Ever try good charlie? You will feel like a million dollars and would have no problem talking about whatever or even a small bit of billy!

IdiotAroundHer wrote:

I'm keeping as busy as I can but night time alone is unbareable. I feel so lonely and reduced.

To be honest mate it just kinda sounds like a fling! What's the story with the other guy she was with? You said she wasn't over him would she go back to him?

If she is still talking is she showning any interest in ya now?

Sounds like to me you blew it!

IdiotAroundHer wrote:

She told me that she wasn't over her ex. The next guy she was with was a rebound fling and she thought it was out of her system.

Are you saying she was with a guy finished then went and bonked someone else and then went to you!

I dont know mate I dont mean to sound bad or anything but to me she just seems like she just wanted a fling! But then again if she is talking to ya ask her would she like to go out for a dinner sometime!

If she does say yeah or yeah for a drink it may be your last time to inpress (if she is interested) so just get your act together! To be honest im kinda the same as ya but if I knew a girl liked me man I would be there like a shoot! I just kinda go like that when im not really to sure if a girl is in to me or just having friendly chat!

You need confidence it's hard to talk to a girl if you dont know that she like's you but if she does and you like her jesus man surely you can get it working!

If she like's you, find out, tell her the same and your just abit nervious around her! But if you really like her mate just try your best talk about anything work, even her last boyfriend, what she likes to do talk about anything it will build your confidence up!

IdiotAroundHer wrote:

if I can't snap out of it, I'll never win her back. I don't really want to get her out of my system because she's prefect for me.

Well then say it to her! If your quiet she might think your not interested!

Hope this helps

Regards
Joe

Chinafoot

joebhoy1916 wrote:

Ever try good charlie? You will feel like a million dollars and would have no problem talking about whatever or even a small bit of billy!

Yea getting hyped up on drugs is really going to help his situation. :rolleyes:

OP: Why would you want to be with someone that you can't be yourself around? I find that you know when a relationship is real when you can be 100% yourself. Sounds more like infatuation than love to me.

Maybe you should tell her how she makes you feel. Tell her you get nervous and find it difficult to be your usual self. Maybe send her and email or a letter if you find it too hard to do it face to face.

Nevyn

joebhoy1916 banned for suggesting the use of illegal drugs.

theTinker

I find it hard to believe a serious relationship can exist in a few weeks, unless you are <=19ish in which case its more like a small obession/infactuation(they were the days) imo. Thoughout your post i got that vibe, it seems to reek with "shes perfect", 'no else is as good', and to be so lonely at night times because of this girl?? you seem far too dependant on her even though she has not giving u anything but a few weeks of time together.

I strongly think you have convinced urself she is 'angelic' and the pedestil u have her on is far too high. I would advise that you snap out of it, FAR easier said than done i remember what it was like, but ur sadness and depedance here i think are misplaced. I think it would make it a hell of a lot easier if u try to accept it was possibly just another ordinary short term thing u had. I dont like the idea of anyone thinking anyone is completely perfect, i find it disrspectful to that person anyways. The sheer pressure that would put a person under, to always be perfect is ridculous. I also could fathom that this girl also wouldnt be interested in sum1 who is so obessed with her, i certainly would have no interest in a girl who is so depedant, it kinda gross imo.

Cunning_Stunt

Tough one - we ALL act differently around people we like but you need to get a grip!

How old are you? If you are younger than 18 or so you are infatuated....ah yes I remember the days, the racing heart, the sweating palms, dry mouth, stomach doing flips....

You need to play it cool - DO NOT start "stalking" her or whatever.

Actually just re-read the above, it's no advice at all... Sorry!

Kell

IdiotAroundHer wrote:

Since we got together, I transformed into this retard every time we met,

Why?

Work on that and pave the way to getting her back.

K-

ron.dolan

OK mate, the first thing you have to realise is that you are obviously a good bloke, otherwise she would never have gotten it on with you?

Right, so now we know you have it in you, whats next? Well for a start, why is it you start to act as you say, like an idiot? I am guessing that its because you dont want to look like a fool in front of her? Am I right (go on I need to be at least once a day and its getting on......) because I know that I have to try to 'be myself' if I am chatting up a girl lest she ends up with a parody of me and its all goes pete tong.....

You obviously have the opportunity to see her from time to time without looking like a freak and a stalker (and I am not suggesting that you either btw, but the perception could remain if handled wrong). Dont get overly hung up on this perception either, if you have a legitamite reason to see her, use it to your advantage. Time is the tool you need to use here brother, alas its a painful one though and you need to know that from the off. Honesty is another one and its even more painful - how hard would it be to come right out and tell her that you like her a lot (DO NOT overstress how much you like her lest she gets scared) but you are scared of looking stupid so end up putting on an act? Let her know the guy she liked is the real thing and the person you refer to as an 'idiot' is a result of trying to look good in her eyes.

Honesty is a good policy as a rule and unless your on death row and just got an undeserved pardon, I'd stick to it.

Remember what I said though, your obviously a good dude and you deserve a break....we all do...

Best of luck and keep us informed, I'll draw a gris-gris to help you along the way....

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies. Just to answer all the questions you've been asking, were both 28 and we had known each other to talk to for two months. I was so attracted to her that I was nervous around her, so when I saw that I was running out of conversation, I always made a quick exit.

I found out that she had been asking a lot of people around if I was single and that she liked me but wasn't getting a vibe from me. Eventually she asked me to come to a party she was having at her place. At this stage, I knew she liked me so I wasnt gonig to miss this. I didn't really know what to say to her or how to approach the subject, so I just kissed her. She said she had been 'waiting months for that'.

Anyway, she asked me to stay with her that night (JUST stay), and I did - happily. We talked for hours and after a few days I could see how she really had her stuff together. She had many traits I love to see in people, and she was beautiful too. But she mentioned that night how she only got over her ex about 3 months ago, and that she was totally over him now. That was the first warning sign (in hindsight).

But to be honest, I didn't know WHY such a beatiful and well rounded girl liked me - and it freaked me out and I couldnt keep it together. I'm nearly a well rounded lad, but not quite yet.

Anyway, sometimes I found it difficult to talk to her. I stammered a little a few times. I was in awe of her, and I was so happy to be with her that I didn't care about anything else and I was perfectly happy not to talk and just be with her. I'm not extremely talkative by nurture anyway, but I'm trying to improve on that.

TheTinker may be right that I was too dependant on her. but she genuinely is perfect for me. I dont mean she;s perfect. She smokes which I hate. I always said I'd never date a smoker, but she can smoke all she likes, I dont care. She has some attitudes I dont like, but overall she;s fantastic and tries to do the right thing.

I started noticing her getting a little distant about a week after we got together, and on the last night I took her out, she was smoking like crazy. She had something on her mind. She asked me if I enjoyed the night, I gave a hesitant 'yes' because I knew there was something up with her. I told her I didn't think she did. She said "I have something to say". At this point she explained that she was so sure that this was what she wanted and she cant understand it herself, but when we were doing things, she kept gettting flashbacks of her last long term lover. It was a three year relationship and they lived together for all of it. When he finished with her, he told her that he wanted her to have his children someday but not now.

So she thinks that until she gets some kind of closure shes going to be a mess. I told her that she didn't need him for closure but at that point my mind shut off or something and I actually couldn't understand her. My head was fried. I eventually heard her say "..do you understand?". And I told her that I couldn't hear her and I'm sorry, but my head was ****ed. Her eyes were watering a little (most likely because its hard to break up with someone) and she hugged me and said "anytime you want someone to go to the cinema with or anything, gimme a call. But I'll go by your vibe, so let me know. I presume you want space otherwise."

I told her not to be offended if I didn't call her, kissed her and left.

Since then she text me to arrange to meet to give me back a CD of mine. She bought me the latest album by the same band as "payback for dinner". I told her that she really didn't have to do that and thanked her. But she didn't return anything that was affection related. She just said "dont worry, I made a copy for myself". I think she's just trying to be decent and maybe would like to be friends, I dont know.

Shes on two weeks holidays abroad soon. I dont know what to do.

Thanks again for all of your replies.

Kell

IdiotAroundHer wrote:

I was perfectly happy not to talk and just be with her.

But you said you talk shíte around her? That doesnt sound like someone who doesnt talk much?

So what if you run out of conversation? Oh and BTW- three months and over the ex? My fúcking arse. Ponder if you have been "The Rebound Guy". I know its harsh, but it might just be the case and from the way you have described the recent history, it all smells to be honest.

Advice- accept you have been the rebound guy. Kick yourself for not seeing it coming followed by laughing at yourself for being a mug then go get twisted tonight with your mates and have drunken sex with a complete stranger (*looks irrelevant). You will feel much better tomorrow.

K-

*However, given the amount of incredibley good looking women out there because of the hot weather she will likely be very good looking

Kell

IdiotAroundHer wrote:

"anytime you want someone to go to the cinema with or anything, gimme a call. But I'll go by your vibe, so let me know. I presume you want space otherwise."

Yup- I should have spotted that earlier. She has had her fun and you are officially in the "friend zone".

Shudder.

K-

LegacyUser

Well, she broke up with him 14 months ago, and she thought the last guy was the rebound guy. The only reason I can think of staying friends is A, because we might need to work in the same area sometimes and B, those feelings she had (and she did have them I believe), might return when she realises that her ex is gone and she wont be seeing him again.

I have tried your advice of going on the piss and it didn't do much for me to be honest. I have made up a long list of stuff to do (clean bedroom, service car, book holiday, orgainse, finish setting up recording studio.... Its a long list). As long as I'm doing stuff I get by, but as soon as I'm doing something passiive like watching TV, I cant get her out of my head. She let me right in there and opened up 100% to me, so I know all about her. Its something that ususally takes a long time with a couple but we did it quickly.

I think I'll see how things go with the friendship, and tell her at some stage that I want to try again with her. If she's not interested, I'll just cut all contact. But at the moment, no one can top her for me, and as long as she's around, thats unlikely to change.

Thanks for reading.

Kell

Its a toughie when they are around a lot i will grant you.

BTW- I dont actively advocate going out and getting laid with random strangers for the sake of it. It does act as a very good diversion to getting over someone. It also acts as a degustation menu if you like to put your ex up against others and see how they compare.

If it were me, I wouldnt tell her again in a few months TBH. If she doesnt reciprocate, you have just set yourself up for a fall. You wouldnt stick a fork in your eye would you? So why inflict emotional pain on yourself? If she is still interested, let her let you know but by no means wait around. From what you have said, she really hasnt given you any indication that you mean that much to her. Sorry to be blunt, but I dont hold my words much. Damn those straight talking eastern european women.

Come to the beers on the 12th. All will be good.

K-

di11on

I think it is a Darwinian mechanism for protecting you from a relationship in which you would be subservient and taken advantage of.

If you didn't snap out of it during the time you were together, you would probably have been indefinitely uneasy in the relationship.

Intense sexual experiences can cloud your best judgement in a relationship and can hide from you the fact that, in the long run, it was not a relationship in which you could be happy.

Maybe you should accept millions of years of experience that have become embedded in our DNA and move on.

I personally wasted some good quality months of my life wishing I could be in a relationship I now know would never have worked.

Just an opinion... I obviously don't know the full facts!

LegacyUser

Thanks Kell / dillon

Youre right, the ball is in her court if she ever wants to put things back together. I made a point of going up to her the day after we broke up and chatting to her and doing the 'no hard feelings' thing. Just so if I ever do meet her out we don't feel uncomfortable.

Personally, I've organised councilling for myself. I've been putting if off for years and I need to sort a few negative traits out - boost my confidence without being a smartass and find out what makes me happy in life. If I get all that sorted out, I'll think about a relationship with someone.. maybe her if possible, again.

Thanks again folks,

I A H

spanner

Kell wrote:

Yup- I should have spotted that earlier. She has had her fun and you are officially in the "friend zone".

Shudder.

K-

No way dont think he is in the friend zone. She is obiviously attracted to you and likes you, be the friend to go to the cinema and go out for a drink. Step back from trying to be with her and just play the friend role. She will eventually begin to think less and less about him. Also sow seeds in her head that he was not the right person for her, or that she should try enjoying herself more. You are both attracted to each other so a moment will be bound to come up.

Also might I suggest reliving yourself to clam yourself down and relax a bit when you are around her:D