I need advice and honestly don't know who else to ask... funnily enough!

LegacyUser

Hi.

I have no real friends (plenty of acquaintences, no friends). I find myself being really horrible to some people in certain situations to make others laugh, and hating myself for it as I do it. It's seen as everyday slagging, and people keep encouraging it, but I both hate it and hate myself for it, and yet can't bloody stop! I feel like I'm stuck in a huge rut and don't know where to go. I have a crap job. The recruitment agencies I've gone to have commented on my better-than-average education and decent experience/references, yet won't help me to find a different job. I have no problem turning on the charm in interviews, and do pretty well, if I get one. But so far, nothing, even from online applications. I'm sick of this faux-sincerity people seem to be throwing at me. I try to be as genuine as possible and find it very hard to reconcile myself to the falseness everyone seems to be wallowing in and relishing.

Things haven't been great for a while now, and I am getting to the end of my tether. I don't know where I'm going, what I've done wrong, and am pretty sure I'm not a bad person at heart. Yet I either can't let people in (although I can't figure out how I'm alienating them either - with the obvious exception of the people I "lightheartedly" abuse) or find myself hating who I become in their company. I tend not to socialise anymore because it's so much hassle and effort, just to come home feeling empty or disappointed. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I guess I'm the friend that you hang out with when you're at a loose end, but otherwise I make all the contact and attempt all the arranging... I'm sure you all know someone like that.

I'm not horrible. I'm not stupid. I'm not socially inept. But I feel like I'm become all of those things and more. I want to know how to make decent friends who I can have a two-way conversation with. I'd love to know somebody I felt comfortable getting drunk around so I'm not always the one holding back hair, taking taxis to random places in order to make sure my friends get home safe and not enjoying myself.

I'm pretty thin skinned and I hide it as well as I can. I also like to follow common sense rules - don't jump out of moving cars, lock the door when you're leaving the house, pay the bills on time. But I try not to force things on my friends and end up either out of pocket or having to keep asking for their share of bills (housemates) or things they've borrowed that I need back (friends). It annoys me so much, and I know that I'm percieved as annoying, but I feel almost forced to be.

I'm overly intense and pretty emphatic about things, and I genuinely believe that people don't get that. I'm becoming more and more unhappy and just want to... well, leave. I want to go somewhere far away and start a new life where nobody knows me... but I know it won't solve anything, and I have do deal with things as they are before I can start anything else. I just don't know how to tackle it.

In the past year we almost lost our house and two very close family members. Any time I tried to talk about it with friends I just got an impression of complete disinterest. Yet I'm definitely 100% there if they need me. Am I just a complete bloody mug? I'm not very condfident, but I'm smart enough to know that there's something wrong, and stubborn enough to want to find a solution and stick to it.

Any advice at all?

Strokesfan

I think somethimes I feel exactly the same about just wanting to go somewhere else and start out on my own. And I completely feel for you in the sense that I lost the most important person in my life in January and it's hard cos it doesn't hit you at once and then you get over it - it's more like this slow burn of missing them.
There is a way out of the job thing - just give that time and keep applying for other jobs.
As for the light-hearted abuse, there's no harm if it's light hearted but if those people might be sensitive or take it the wrong way, try to stop yourself and laugh at other things, even yourself! I used to feel like some of my friendships were very superficial . I get the feeling that like me you are generous with time and money but sometimes get used - it's important to be generous because you feel generous not because you expect anything in return. When people sense that about us, they become cynical. Concentrate on others for a while rather than looking too inward, be kind and expect nothing in return (don't try to be nice to people just so they will be nice to you), show a genuine interest in other people and they might blossom before your eyes and maybe you will blossom in theirs. This is a quote from an article I kept "everybody has something interesting to contribute because everybody is unique, there is no such thing as an ordinary life. Understand that and you will begin to connect with other people".
Don't worry too much about what people think about you - worry more about what you think of them. If some people are toxic, you might have to distance yourself from them. People are not that frightening nor are they powerful so don't worry about impressing anyone. Just be kind and positive and eventually things might improve.
Everybody gets a bit down, don't worry

Black Swan

Is there something you really enjoy doing? I mean, really get excited about? Hiking, fishing, sailing, surfing, swimming, martial arts, sports, creative writing, films, theatre, or whatever? Now find a group that has people who enjoy that same thing and join it. Become the ultra-enthusiast and network like crazy with these people who share your common interest.

What can happen? Well, you will be doing something you enjoy doing, and this will give you something to look forward to after a boring day at work.

Odds are you will make friends with many of these people you share a common interest with. Perhaps better friends than with those who do not share this interest?

And who knows, one or more of these people may realise that you are stuck in a job that does not recognise your potential, and they may either own a business or refer you to one that is a better match for you? In sales it's called networking, and differentiates a so-so salesperson from a (networking) grand one.

greys

I think you've explained it partially yourself: feeling rather thin skinned, you prefer slagging other rather than giving anybody a chance to hurt you.

At the same time, the fact that you know what kind of person you really are and you know what mistakes you usually make, suggests that you're probably not as vulnerable.

Making friends is about paying attention to what others want, and about bringing some value into their lives. You know yourself - sometimes you get an idea of how to please someone, but you just don't find it appropriate to act that way. Well, hold on to such moments and try at least analyzing them. They are the powerful hints to what people you like most.

The last thing I want to tell you is this: don't be afraid to show your real self!
It is absolutely natural thing most of us have - the feeling that we appear and seem differently to others than we really are. There is no need to hide yourself or put a disguise on. Instead, learn what best features your characted has, and show them.

You might like a couple of my articles on the topic. Please have a look and feel free to contact me if you want to know more:

http://www.greyspk.com/2006/06/discover-your-true-self/
http://www.greyspk.com/2006/05/dont-be-afraid-to-show-your-true-self/

Best of luck to you! Being conscious about your need to improve something about yourself is the hardest, but you've already got it - so the rest should be really easy.