classic drunk poker story

El Stuntman

I shamelessly robbed this from Iggy's blog, made me laugh....:)


This must have been over a year ago, since it happened at a table in the Oak Room, where they haven't put the 15-30 game since '94.

It was about 2:30am, and I'd been drinking a fair amount, nothing odd so far. My usual custom is to order food is shortly after the bar closes, since you don't want it in your stomach slowing down your absorption while the booze is still flowing and you haven't hit the pinnacle of your curve yet. Better living through chemistry. At 2am security comes by and yanks everything, and you start thinking, hell, I really ought to move to Nevada where I wouldn't have to put up with this nonsense, and then a half - hour or so later hunger comes rolling on in right on schedule, and your
thoughts turn to putting something in there to soak up the suds.

I'm usually a house special fried rice or chow fun kind of guy, maybe have a steak and bell peppers every now and then, or a mongolian beef or something, sticking pretty much to the chinese side of the menu under most circumstances. But for some reason I felt like a change and there was a menu lying on one of the side tables, so I looked at it for about the 50th time, and decided, just to be a wild and crazy guy, I'd have a hot dog. One hot dog really isn't that much, foodwise, but they had
plain hot dogs going for $2.50 and hot dogs with fries for $3.25, so I figured I'd have one hot dog no fries and one hot dog with fries. Simple order, right? Of course I luck out and get Suzi as my waitress (name changed to protect the guilty, who still works at the Oaks Club.) I have nothing against Suzi, she's sort of sweet in a way, but she's a light year or thereabouts from being mensa material, if you know what I'm saying.

So, after a few minutes my hot dogs show up, everything's fine, there's even ketchup for my fries, and, uh, how much do I owe?

- - - - - -

SUZI

(speaking with asian accent)

Fifteen dollar, thirty six cents.

[ Editor's note: It was fifteen dollars and something, anyway, my memory isn't too clear on the exact amount. Go figure. ]

MARK

No, that can't be right.

SUZI

Yes, fifteen dollar thirty six cents.

MARK

I really don't think so. I'm just having a couple
of hot dogs here. One with fries.

SUZI

Yes, fifteen dollar. See.

(thrusts receipt into MARK's face which does in fact add up to $15.36)

MARK

Well, I can see that this adds up to fifteen
dollars, but I'm just having a couple hot dogs.
What's this other stuff on here?

SUZI

Tuna sandwich.

MARK

What tuna sandwich? I didn't order any tuna sandwich.

SUZI

Tuna sandwich.

MARK

What tuna sandwich?

(gesturing at hot dogs and fries on the side table)

Do you see any tuna sandwich here? I'm not having
any tuna sandwich. I didn't get any tuna sandwich.

SUZI

I know, I deduct tuna sandwich.

MARK

(drunk, getting louder)

Deduct it from what?

SUZI

Okay, check was twenty dollars. But you didn't have
a tuna sandwich. So I deduct tuna sandwich, right?
Fifteen thirty six.

MARK

Twenty dollars?

SUZI

I already deduct tuna sandwich.

MARK

(drunk, slurring his words)

I duh wanna to talk about any tuna sandwich, okay?

(being obnoxious, mocking her accent.)

I didn't have tuna sandwich, I don't even like
tuna sandwich. Do you see any tuna sandwich?

(as if to a child)

And I don't want to start at twenty dollars and
work down from there, okay. I think we should
start at zero and work our way up. Huh? Maybe?

SUZI

Fifteen thirty six, you pay now.

MARK

(getting louder)

I'm not paying fifteen dollars for two hot dogs.
I don't owe you fifteen dollars.

(points at one of his plates)

How much is this? This is like two-something, right?

SUZI

(holds receipt in the amount of $15.36 out)

Fifteen thirty six. See?

MARK

Can you get me a menu? This is what, one without
fries, which is $2.50, and one with fries, which
is like $3.25.

(gets confused, embarassed)

And, um, so, that's, uh...how much is that?

VERN THE PROP

Five seventy five.

MARK

So...yeah, five seventy five. So where are you
getting this fifteen dollars from?

SUZI

(loud, triumphant)

Tax!

(players around the table start cracking up. MARK turns red.)

MARK

(coming unglued and laughing uncontrollably)

Tax? Tax?

(sputtering)

What tax?

SUZI

You pay tax!

MARK

(now getting angry)

That's some kind of tax. Governments have been
overthrown for charging that kind of tax, okay?
Boston Tea Party. I'm not paying any kind of, what,
whatever this ****ing tax is. You are not charging
me fifteen dollars for two hot dogs. I do not
owe any fifteen dollars. I am not going to pay
any fifteen dollars.

SUZI
(shouting)

With fries! Fifteen dollars!

MARK

(as if to himself)

No, no, I am not dealing with you anymore.

(normal tone of voice)

Because you are just too stupid to be functional
in human society, okay. I don't want to talk to
you anymore. Just get me a ****ing floorman.

SUZI

Fifteen dollars.

VERN THE PROP

And thirty-six cents.

MARK

(addressing dealer)

All right, I am really unhappy about this now,
okay? Can you get me a floorman, someone with
a brain maybe, that would be nice?

DEALER

Floorman!

SUZI

(extending the receipt again)

It is fifteen dollars, no mistake, see.

MARK

It is not any fifteen dollars. It's like six bucks,
with tax, okay. I'm not talking to you anymore.

(shouting at the top of his voice out into the main hall)

Can I get a ****ing floorman in here, please?

VERN THE PROP

(attempting to be chivalrous in front of the female serviceperson)

Could you watch your mouth please?

MARK

(can't figure out whether or not to take VERN seriously, since VERN has
quite a mouth himself.)

What? What the hell are you talking about Vern?

- - - - - -

Anyway, the floorman shows up, I'm completely livid and can barely
communicate, the floorman works it out on a calculator, which takes three
minutes, easily, and I owe $6.22. I give the Suzi a $5 chip, a $1 chip, and
a quarter out of my pocket.

Later, I'm recounting this whole story indignantly in technicolor
detail for a new player who has joined the game, and complain that I
actually wound up tipping $0.03, which is clearly more than Suzi deserved.
I didn't mean for her too, but she overheard this. So she comes rushing
over to me, mad, and says, 'Here, here', and gives me a penny back. 'You
don't want to tip me, fine', she says, and storms off. And I look at the
table, and I look at the penny, and I spaz out again. "It's not even
the correct change," I scream, and then spill my chips all over the place
while laughing hysterically again.

rag2gar

that was very long and i think i missed the punchline:rolleyes:

califano

Good one. Sounds like a typical Larry David situation without the booze!. If you like this you'll love the 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' series!.

antomadness

so because this girl was stupid,she thought you owed 15 dollars when you only owed 6...is that the punch line????
if it is its not a very good story

and i absolutely love Curb Your Enthusiasm,i watched half of the 1st series last nite

5starpool

well I enjoyed it anyhow.

ollyk1

antomadness wrote:

so because this girl was stupid,she thought you owed 15 dollars when you only owed 6...is that the punch line????
if it is its not a very good story

and i absolutely love Curb Your Enthusiasm,i watched half of the 1st series last nite

It's funny if you play in a casino regularly I think.

It's funny in a "I bet $200, man raise $500, I fold. King no open you know" now I argue about $9.13 kind of way.....

I guess you have to be able to imagine yourself there and the absurdity of it all. I enjoyed it.

Norwich Fan Rob

i was in the states in 1999, with a mate in a steakhouse type place, he says to the waitress (nice looking but clearly not that bright), "i will have the steak and the fries, and make it well done please", she goes away, 20 seconds later she returns with a puzzled look, "excuse me sir, is that the steak or the fries u want well done", yes this actually happened !

Lafortezza

Drunken racism, it never gets old.

El Stuntman

lafortezza wrote:

Drunken racism, it never gets old.

miaow

ollyk1

Very very OT...


My brother was out with some friends and a friend of a friend was buying the next round and asked him what he'd like to drink. Being a non alcohol drinker he asked for a pint of blackcurrant.

The girl comes back with the drinks and watches him intently as he takes his first mouthful. As soon as he leaves the glass down she asks very intently "was that okay??".

He responds in the affirmitive much to her relief. The she says "Thank God for that. The barman put some blackcurrant into the glass but then he poured this clear liquid in from a tap and I didn't know what it was!!"

Cue spitting out of the diluted blackcurrant cordial with laughter!!

jtsuited

olly you probably remember the food calamity that happened with me and that tall blonde waitress in the Fitz a few months back.
I order a portion of chips. Twice.
She came back just to check what i had ordered. I said 'portion of chips'.
About 45 minutes later no chips do i see. Then i look over at her, she looks like she has just remembered the order and runs to the kitchen. And shows up with a plate of sausages!!
So i say 'no i ordered chips' and she goes 'oh yes yes sorry'. Half hour later, no sign of any chips and i'm off to the SE!

5starpool

I asked for a toasted bacon and Egg sandwich in the Fitz last weekend (something I have had in there several times, so they do know how to do it) and it came back as toasted (one bit right) ham and egg mayonaisse sandwich. I was too hungry not to eat it, but the some others at the table found it amusing.

Moral of the tale - tailor your order to the waitress, be as explicit as possible.

hotspur

ollyk1 wrote:

It's funny in a "I bet $200, man raise $500, I fold. King no open you know" now I argue about $9.13 kind of way.....

Forget Larry David The General should have his own sitcom - "Zetoman" obviously!

ollyk1

jtsuited wrote:

olly you probably remember the food calamity that happened with me and that tall blonde waitress in the Fitz a few months back.
I order a portion of chips. Twice.
She came back just to check what i had ordered. I said 'portion of chips'.
About 45 minutes later no chips do i see. Then i look over at her, she looks like she has just remembered the order and runs to the kitchen. And shows up with a plate of sausages!!
So i say 'no i ordered chips' and she goes 'oh yes yes sorry'. Half hour later, no sign of any chips and i'm off to the SE!

Yes Jeff I remember it well.

She's a lovely girl and nice to look at it but don't order the food from her. I've made the mistake once before myself. Never again.

ntlbell

That's made my day.

How can people not find this funny.

smurph

bout two years ago a few of us from work went into the Arlington Hotel for beers, and I went to order a round of drinks. Small (they all are) chinese girl, nervous looking so probably first week comes over and I proceed to order, Pint of Heinekan, Coors Light, Vodka & Diet 7Up,

Blank expression from her, she has the Heinekan, coors light but can't get the Vodka and diet 7up at all. There is a malaysian girl in our Company, whos family are originally from China, and she say's i'll do the order.

I sit back expecting to hear chinese conversation commence, bit like what you hear in club (without the cursing).

Top of her voice, she goes pint of Heinekan, pint of Coors Light and a WODKA and Diet 7Wup, to which the waitress goes "Ah yes WODKA, I nearly fell of the chair laughing.

because there is no V in the chinese language they have great trouble understanding it. So now if there an asian waitress I say a Wodka, and they know exactly what I mean.

TheDuck32

Thank you for sharing the story, it brightened up a ****ty day.
Any who did not find it funny is simply dead inside

TrueDub

TheDuck32 wrote:

Thank you for sharing the story, it brightened up a ****ty day.
Any who did not find it funny is simply dead inside

Nope, anyone who did not find it funny simply has a different sense of humour - not better, not worse, just different. Life's like that.

brianmc

TrueDub wrote:

Nope, anyone who did not find it funny simply has a different sense of humour - not better, not worse, just different. Life's like that.

I feel kind of dead inside after reading it.

jtsuited

an exceptionally pointless long joke whose comedic value certainly does not justify it's length

antomadness

jtsuited wrote:

an exceptionally pointless long joke whose comedic value certainly does not justify it's length

Here here

TheDuck32

dead I say, your all DEAD inside.

El Stuntman

TheDuck32 wrote:

dead I say, your all DEAD inside.

quack quack

I'm sorry I ever posted the damn thing

HalfBaked

El Stuntman wrote:

I'm sorry I ever posted the damn thing

That's it Stuntman, hang you head in shame...





I like it though

careca

Told this before on boards, but with so many new members !!

Playing in the Fitz one night, Paddy orders a fry from a waitress. She comes back ten mins later with basket of chips. Paddy says "no I ordered a fry" and she says "french fries, yes". So anyway he took them and ate most of them.

He then proceeds to get knocked out of the tournie on a bad beat and storms off. Just as he gets to the door, Joe O'Neill shouts "you still have chips left". He rushs back thinking hes still in, when Joe holds up the basket with about four black chips in it.

Even he saw the funny side of it.

El Stuntman

HalfBaked wrote:

That's it Stuntman, hang you head in shame...
I like it though

I've also flogged myself with rusty barbed wire and donned my trusty leather underpants with 6 inch metal spikes (spikes on the inside)...will that do?

although I did like the story quite a bit too, had that nice surreal element to it that you often find in casinos...

HalfBaked

El Stuntman wrote:

I've also flogged myself with rusty barbed wire and donned my trusty leather underpants with 6 inch metal spikes (spikes on the inside)...will that do?

For now.....