Writing About Sex

iguana

I've always wanted to write a book, and I feel like I'm coming to the point in my life where I'm finally going to do it. But the problem is I don't feel comfortable writing about anything sexual as I know my parents, and one of my grandmothers would definitely read it.

I'm not a child, I'm a grown woman who's about to get married but I can't shake the discomfort at the thought of my family reading anything I write about sex. Now I'm not talking about erotic fiction, just a general fiction novel but it would be really odd if none of the characters slept together, in fact it's definitely a plot point in a story I'm considering.

So has anyone else felt weird about this and gotten over it? And have they any tips?

Gareth2303

I haven't written a book, but, In my opinion, I feel that if it's not an erotic novel and you feel that there's a need to write about sex in order for the story to progress, go ahead, I'm sure your family would be proud you have a book published let alone having to worry about the dirty three letter word (:P) being mentioned.

Just do it.. I'm sure they'd laugh it off

Odaise Gaelach

Gareth2303 wrote:

Just do it.. I'm sure they'd laugh it off

What he said.

McGinty

I've written a book with some strong sexual scenes, not overly perverted or anything but they were important to the plot, whilst writing it I didn't feel embarresed because I was in the moment but when I read back I blush and can't beleive I wrote that, but have decided to keep it there as it feels real, however there are some authors who get over the sex scenes in a brilliant way, you know the characters have had sex but it has only been alluded to, and for the life of me I can't remember the novelist, but you can allude to sex, whilst the old mills and boons (not the more recent ones, aparantly they are supposed to be very saucy) and barbara cartar romances are cheesy, etc., they do hint at sex rather than give all the details, so maybe (if you can) read one to get ideas, or practise writing sex scenes in non sexual terms, until it reads right for you, but I will add one more thing, if your writing to please your mother/grandmother, or have them in mind as your audience and it prohibits the creative flow, your story will have lost something, I say this because years ago I was in a creative writing class and wrote this short story called one man and his telly, it was about a guy addicted to watching tv, and the TV breaks down and how he disintegrates and then copes with the loss of it, there was humour but some darker elements to it, one aspect of my character was that he saw women as nags and disliked them, and when I read my story (all women) to the class they jumped on me because my character called women nags, plus the other darker elements in it, in other words I got a reaction, which in hindsight I realise was a good thing, any reaction is better than no reaction, so I then redid the story to send of to magazines, it didn't get published and when I read it now, the story has lost its edge, my character is flat and lacks something, so I'm not going to listen to the PC brigage anymore and instead be true to my characters, I just thought I'd add that 2c worth in, because authenticity in writing is what I believe is key to having that special something in your work.

Lust4Life

Very good advice from the above posters!!!!
Also, keep in mind that both your Mother and Grandmother have had sex before or you would not be living and breathing today!

Alluding to it is much easier than getting into the graphic details of the act.
Simply saying "She wanted him this very instant" or "She felt her pulse quicken as he gently kissed her neck." Or quite simply, "They were alone now. Free to be as one with each other."

Of course there's always the telltale Frank Sinatra style phrase you could use to show that they just finished being together... "There's a quarter on the bedpost, I'm through wit ya!"

Seriously, don't be afraid. Just write it down. When you later proof-read it, if it still makes you uncomfortable, then change it at that time. Just go with the flow.

L4L

theCzar

What if I was immaculately concieved, like my parents before me? :eek:

I'm in a simlar position to iguana, but I'm not sure any sex is neccesary, so I'll probably cross that bridge when I get to it!

Perhaps a pen name? buy them the book for christmas and if they like, you can say, a-ha! I wrote it! This way if they don't, and your grandmother says its a shameful example of the degradation of Irish society, you can go back to the drawing board! Perhaps publish it on your deathbed? "Memoirs of a pervert"...

Seriously though, I supose its about whether you're writing for yourself (and the world of course, they need you) or just your parents?

Jotter

I know what you mean, I only started back writing recently and what I wrote disturbed me to the point where I stopped for a couple of days bec I couldnt bear to face it - very perverted and dark and I kept thinking if anyone reads this theyll think I had some kind of messed up childhood (I didnt it was very happy TG!!) But then when I went back to it I decided not to read over these scenes and just write whatever came to my head and Im actually a lot happier with this story than others in the past that have ended up in bin for fear of someone seeing them!. I think you need to forget about others opinions when writing bec then you become careful and you disrupt the natural flow. Works for me anyway!

Black Swan

When writing about sex, "less is more." Be subtle not graphic. Hint and don't describe in detail. Allow the reader to use their imagination.

Procrastinator

Ummm. I haven't done much creative writing, yet, like you have found it difficult to get past my own internal censor.

I read an interview with Susanna Moore once, the author of the book In the Cut which was a crime, erotic thriller that was remade into a movie by Jane Campion with Meg Ryan in it.

Anyway, she said she wanted to write about sex and didn't know how to do it: so she regarded that as a problem of technique, and of skill and it was therefore something she could learn about, practice and get right. And here she meant right for the character.
Anyway, she then went out and bought and borrowed as many 'erotic' books or books with an erotic content that she could, and read and read for ages.

Then she decided what she liked best, what she didn't like such as all the clichés we are familiar with, and then went for it.

I think writing about sex is one of the most difficult things to get right, not because its inherently difficult, but because everyone's idea of erotic or what sex is for, if you like, is different and even more so, because we've been exposed to so much of it, on tv, films and in books, the descriptions have become clichéd.

I remember when i first read D.H. lawrence and was so disappointed that the words, images and style of language seemed so overused; i'd read bad versions of it in Mills and Boon years earlier as a teenager. His sytyle has been parodied so many times, and so badly, i was overfamiliar with it.


Anyway, I thought Moore's approach was really interesting because she appeared to me to have bypassed her own self-consciousness by treating the whole thing as a practical, and solve-able problem.

I hope this helps and good luck with the writing!

Lust4Life

Very well put, Procrastinator! Glad you got around to posting it!:D

Miguel_Sanchez

Just never use the phrase 'purple-headed warrior'.

Please for the love of God. Never.

Lust4Life

I don't think I ought to post my favourite phrase here.:)

BossArky

Check out some of Peter F.Hamiltons sci-fi writing,.... he is the man for writing about that kind of stuff. Cannot go more than 20 pages without someone getting totally nailed to the wall.

TerrorFirmer

Jeff_Lebowski wrote:

Just never use the phrase 'purple-headed warrior'.

Please for the love of God. Never.

My first laugh of the day, thanks

Shellie13

funny book to read that reminds me of this subject..."Marsha Mellow and Me"

on a point though, if its your family that concerns you remind yourself that they were havin sex before you were born (obviously!) so no need for embarrasment there!

FlutterinBantam

As far as I see it, it depends from who's viewpoint you are writing... from the female viewpoint, writing about sex may be much more of the build up variety.i.e. loads of descriptive situations as opposed to graphic detail. from the male point of view I probably suspect that men go for a bit more graphic detail than women .
I would suggest though, that something is left to the readers imagination rather than confronting him/her with all the answers.... leave, as it were, a thin veil over the situation rather than power hosing the thing down to the bare bones.

Baby4

This post has been deleted.

FlutterinBantam

Indeed... very good point.... however one would have to assume that sex in an "underworld" situation would be perhaps a bit rougher that in more refined situations,which may or not be the case.

I find myself that to write with a particular reader profile in mind helps to concentrate the creative juices in an even way and helps to avoid a jagged experience which may upset the the overall flow of the book.

however others may look on this as bland "chiclit" and not consider it has any proper literary status.

metrovelvet

You need to get over it, its that simple. So what if they read it?

And so what if its odd that none of the characters sleep together? Isnt oddness what we like to read about?

And isnt that the fun on writing, to push people's buttons? If I were in your position I would contort my headspace so that it became rebellion for me, to delight in my mothers absolute disgust at what goes on in her daughters twisted imagination. he he he he......Think of it as revenge for every guilt trip she laid on you.

Go on- **** the cops in your head, **** them so hard they cant stand up and you nearly kill them.

Be bad...

Amvedian

The only two words you'll need: "Plunge" and "wobble."

lukegriffen

I can understand your situation. But would you give your script to your relatives if you don't manage to get the book published ?
Convince yourself that you're going to write under a pseudonym, so you're free from all hangups, no-one will know who the author is.
In the event you manage to get a book deal, then you can decide at that stage
whether to use your real name. If someone in the industry reads it & approves it, then that's a huge vote of confidence, and I wouldn't care what anyone else thought.
I had a script shortlisted before in a national competition,& only then did I let anyone else see it. And even then when I reread it, I thought it was corny!

PurpleFistMixer

Last year or so a short story of mine was published in a book and... most people I know read it. Including family, further family, friends of family... Thankfully, my school didn't get a copy of the book, though they certainly asked, many times.
The story wasn't explicitly about sex, but the main theme was homosexuality, bit of voyeurism, a lot of stalking, bit of murder, lots of bad things you don't want your grandparents reading.

Somehow, I survived. I think people are actually, secretly, more mature about that kind of thing than you'd expect.

Though I did get a lot of people asking me if I was a lesbian after that.

lukegriffen

PurpleFistMixer wrote:

Though I did get a lot of people asking me if I was a lesbian after that.

I think there's quite a lot of people out there who can't comprehend that a writer has imagination and can just make things up, so they presume that anything you write is loosely based on an experience. That's my impression anyway