love bites!

The Bollox

here's the story: There is this girl that I have had a crush on, for want of a better word, for a long time. We are great friends but there was an obstacle: her bf was a very good friend of mine.

2 weeks ago I was talking to her and she said he broke up with her. One side of me was like "**** yeah, we have a chance" the other side was like "dude, he will kill you if he finds out". So I put my feelings for her on the back burner.

Last night I was working in the pub and she came in with a few friends. I got talking to her again and I asked her if she was doing anything next weekend. She said she was free on Friday if I wanted to go for a drink with her. I was torn apart, I both do and don't want to go out with her. I do because we have great chemistry together and I don't because I don't want to loose 2 friends over this (her and the ex).

Anyway she went off to the nightclub with her friends and I finished up in work. Afterwards me and the lads were sitting around having a few drinks and a few of them came up with the idea of going to the club for late drinks. so we went.

I met up with her there again and we danced a bit, once again I was torn between trying to take it farther and not. I managed to keep my cool and we went our sepearate ways.

when I got home she txt me just letting me know she got home ok, but she never txt me before, without me txting her first. I don't know what to do! I can't talk to many of my friends about it because most of them are in a bit of a possy, y'know, a really tightly knit group and word would get to the ex that I am trying to get into her.

I really need some advise, what would you do in my position?

please leave any un-nessecary criticisms at the door.

and sorry for the poor quality of this rant, I just want to keep it as annonimous as possible

free2fly

If you are still very good friends with her ex then I would stay away from her. Friends will be around a lot longer than a gf 99% of the time. You said that he broke up with her? Do you know why? Has he talked to you about it?

dar83

He "was" a very good friend?

If it's past tense, and he broke up with her (as it seems) then I dont think there will be much of a problem.

If you want to totally make sure and play it by the book, tell him what your intentions are and ask him if he's alright with that. If he broke up with her then he really shouldn't have any feelings towards who she see's now or in the future. I'd only be wary if she was the one to break his heart.

Go for it!

The Bollox

sorry, I should have made that clearer, me and the ex are still good friends, I badly phrased that.

I do not know why they broke up, I never asked. Also they broke up before and got back together again, but then it was her who broke up with him

dar83

Ah right, well then as a good mate, it's best to have a chat to him about it. I went through similar in the past only my mate never actually went out with the girl properly he just really really wanted to.

Anyway, I had the chat and got the all clear before doing or trying to do anything, we both knew where we stood and the air was clear. Just make sure to run it by him before you do anything, it's the way to go.

Sony

I know if I was your friend Id be really really unimpressed if anything were to happen...Id actually feel sick to tell you the truth...and I know people will say what he thinks doesnt matter anymore because theyre no longer together but I still wouldnt go there if I was in your position....

there would be one exception to this in my opinion-if you were both in love with each other

sorry for the bad buzz advice - it sounds like such a ****ty situation to be in

gd luck:)

The Bollox

Sony wrote:

I know if I was your friend Id be really really unimpressed if anything were to happen...Id actually feel sick to tell you the truth...and I know people will say what he thinks doesnt matter anymore because theyre no longer together but I still wouldnt go there if I was in your position....

there would be one exception to this in my opinion-if you were both in love with each other

sorry for the bad buzz advice - it sounds like such a ****ty situation to be in

gd luck:)

that is exactly what I am afraid of. I know if I broke with someone today and heard next week that a good friend of mine scored her I would be really pissed at both of them

Sony

Yeah its horrible alright-it can be very very hard finding someone you really like sometimes so I know how pissed of you must be

like what you said- you know the feeling of seeing an ex with someone else? even if youre not into them anymore? it still doesnt feel nice ...so im guessing it would crush your mate if he were to see or hear about his friend with his arm around his ex

theres no way around it unfortunatly....the only thing you can do other than meeting her (which im sure youre dying to do!) is try to leave things as they are for a while and see how things pan out

the_syco

Ask him. Most guys will say yay or nay, tbh. If he was hurt, he'll say no, if it was a fling, he'll tell you what she likes. Also, if he says yes, you can laugh about her when/if you break up with her.

Magic Pips

dude, ask him. he gets freaked you then chose her or him.

If he's a mate he'll say its cool (if they are finished properly)

its a toughy though

Ickle Magoo

Surely there is enough women in the world that you don't have to go hankering after your friends ex's?! Anyway, that point aside, ask your friend, he may not be bothered at all in which case you have no problem...if he states "no way" then you will have to choose which you want more, a friendship with him or a relationship with her....it's a horrible situation....I tend to avoid sexual relations with my friends ex's as it can all get a bit messy....best of luck!

D-Generate

Don't do it! If you are a guy and good friends with him then you will know that no matter whether he says yay or nay he will actually be pissed off deep down. The only reason he would say go for it would be to create the idea that he is all man and over her. Deep down he will really be pissed just like you would be if it happened to you. Why do you think that guy rule exists where you can't kiss a friends ex?

The Bollox

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Surely there is enough women in the world that you don't have to go hankering after your friends ex's?!

haha. This is the first time I have felt anything for a friends gf, or ex. And I got a few looks in the night club last night, but avoided them. I mean of all the people to have a crush on!

Lust4Life

It is too soon for her to be dating anyway.
Let things cool down. If you REALLY like her and she feels the same, give it a few months for everyone to move forward. Keep in touch, yes, but no further.

You didn't say how long they were together but it sounds like it was for quite some time.

I dated one of my friends ex-boyfriends, but only after they had broke up for a few months and she was dating someone new. It worked out so long as we all only got together in group situations. I'm still good friends with my friend to this day. The guy? long gone., but fun while it lasted.

The Bollox

they were going out for a few years, with a few break ups in between

Black Swan

Marts wrote:

here's the story: There is this girl that I have had a crush on, for want of a better word, for a long time. We are great friends but there was an obstacle: her bf was a very good friend of mine.

If you pursue her, you stand a very good chance of losing your "very good friend." If you are a good friend to him, shouldn't you talk to him before going after her? If the roles were reversed and you were the girl's X, wouldn't you want the same consideration from your friend?

ArphaRima

As posted. Talk to your friend. Any less would be betrayal.

Zulu

I wouldn't if I was you... but I guess you can always ask first.

OrangeOranges

Dunno what you're looking to hear ?

If you go near the ex-girlfriend; it's friendship over with the dude/your mate.

Decide what you want more.


ps

If I was friends with the dude, I wouldn't be too interested in hanging around with a guy who went chasing after the ex-girlfriend 5 seconds after they finished.

Your probably gonna lose more than one mate over this.

pps
Even your current flirty, textin, chasing her into nightclubs for a dance, behaviour is unacceptable if you ask me?

And don't give that bs about the 'lads' wanting to go for a late drink.

Again depends what you want more.

they were going out for a few years Man what you even thinking of here?

Iago

By complete co-incidence myself and my best mate ended up going out with the same girl (at different times) on two occasions.

The first time this happened, he was telling me all about this girl he met and how amazing she was etc. So when I finally met her you can imagine the shock when it turned out that it was a girl I'd gone out with a couple of years beforehand. It didn't bother me in the slightest, and it didn't seem to bother her either.

The second time was slightly different, I met this girl in a club and ended up going home with her that night. On the way home I realised that she was an ex of this friend, but again 2-3 years had passed. Anyway we started seeing each other but after a few weeks I was out with my mate and I told him I was seeing her. He got really pi$$ed off and told me that he still loved her and so on, I asked if that was the case why had it been over 2 years since they'd spoken and why hadn't he attempted to contact her or get back with her in that time? He had no answer for that.

Next time I saw her I told her what had happened and she admitted to still having feelings for him. I stopped seeing her, and they went back out together. It only lasted about 6 months, but there was no fight, nor argument.

My opinion on this situation is that it's far too soon, I don't see anything wrong with going for a drink with the girl. As long as you do it as a friend and nothing more. If during the course of the night she says she is interested in you, then you have to tell her that although you're interested you can't be with her right now.

In a few months time, if she's still single and you're still single then it wouldn't be too bad, but it's far too early now.

If you're meant to be together you will be, time isn't a barrier for what's meant to be, you can't rush into it given the history. You need to leave time for the scars to heal and for everyone to move on properly.

5starpool

Something very similiar happened me years ago. I broke up with a girl I had been with for nearly a year and within a week my best friend at the time was with her. He was the one I talked it over with before breaking up with her and afterwards he just 'called around' to her house and happened to 'comfort her'. As soon as I heard that I was well pissed with him, and after a couple fo months got back together with her. While I am still friends with this guy, it waas really awkward for ages and frosty too, but it has never been quite the same since.

But that was 10 years ago when I thought I knew things, but knew nothing (at 19).

I'd say talk it through first with your mate, it'll be much easier first. ASk him why they broke up and assuming he doesnt say something like 'because I was getting too jealous every time she talked to guys, I just wanted to hit something!!!!' (ok, extreme example, but you get the picture), explain to him afterwards that you like her and ask how upset would he be, and say that you need to make sure he is ok with it etc. Don't mention about night clubs or texts etc.

440Hz

Marts wrote:

that is exactly what I am afraid of. I know if I broke with someone today and heard next week that a good friend of mine scored her I would be really pissed at both of them

Didnt you just answer your own question here?

I think you have two choices... you either follow the advice here and chat to your mate about it being prepared for the fact that he might not be very impressed with you, but will at least appreciate your honesty (or should). Other thing is maybe you should chat to this girl, see if it is worth it, and not just a random fun fling... gotta be worth risking a friendship over. I would consider saying somthing to her like, you think she is very nice yada yada yada but dont wanna upset your friend... she might volunteer some insight bout the breakup that you could gauge his feelings on (dont ask for this info, but if you explain your situation she might tell you),Also you will know if she is interested enough as well.

Other than those options... the only other thing you can do is leave it off and move on.

Best of luck with it, tricky one, but Im sure if handled correctly it will all work out. Just dont step on anyone's toes.

The Bollox

OrangeOranges wrote:

And don't give that bs about the 'lads' wanting to go for a late drink.

I wasn't bull****ting, by the time we were finished cleaning up I had completly forgotten that she was at the nightclub! I was planning to hit the hay, but decided in the end that I might as well do something this weekend