Losing faith in men...help me!

LegacyUser

God I hate this but I am rapidly losing faith in men. I'm an attractive outgoing very feminine girl but for some reason, men always see me as one of the lads, and have no qualms about telling me all the ins and outs of their sex life ( no pun intended)....I do have male friends but I'm talkin about the men in my life...they almost always start off dating me, so obviously they know I am interested!

Its become a big problem recently cos there is one bloke who knows that I like him but yet insists on telling me everything...I've told him a million times I don't want to hear and it is very unrespectful but its as if he feels so at ease with me that he just fires ahead. Very recently he's done it again and I was so hurt about it I told him to feck off, I am NOT one of the lads and don't want to know. So far there has been silence from his end....which is unusual.

Am I doin something wrong? This has been a problem for me as far back as I can remember, and I'm gettin a pain in my face with it now!

Anyone got any advice?

LadyJ

Maybe he likes you and he's trying to make you jealous?

He could be playing the game to an extent. Waiting for you to call him etc.

On the other hand,maybe he's embarrassed and doesn't know what to do because he doesn't fancy you but wants to be your friend. He might think that by talking about his conquests you'll get use to it and get over him.

Sounds silly,but men have been known to do things like this.

As for the advice,you can never have too many friends so who cares if some guys like you enough to want to hang out with you? No crime is it?

Either a bloke fancies you or he doesn't. You can't change that so there's no sense worrying about it. Just go with the flow and appreciate the friendships you have.

Some day someone will fancy you. It will happen.

LegacyUser

Thanks Lady J....when I read ur mail it makes me feel like a stupid teenager but I'm not, mores the pity....I should really know better!

LegacyUser

Can't help you out, I'm disillusioned too. The older I get (I'm 35) the more I think all the nice men are already taken. The ones that are left are a bit psycho, or they have become embittered as well over time, and hey, everyone gets more set in their ways anyhow, the older they get. (me included)

I'm just going to make the most of the incredible amount of freedom I apparently have to do whatever the hell I want, and flaunt it in front of those folks who did manage to get married and procreate. Like it's so much fun to go home and cuddle with your cats instead of another human.

metrovelvet

losingfaith wrote:

God I hate this but I am rapidly losing faith in men. ?

They dont make it easy.

losingfaith wrote:

Its become a big problem recently cos there is one bloke who knows that I like him but yet insists on telling me everything...I've told him a million times I don't want to hear and it is very unrespectful.?

Does he know how much you like him? You cant silence him but you dont have to listen either.

losingfaith wrote:

but its as if he feels so at ease with me that he just fires ahead.?

At ease is not the worse one can feel with someone. I think it's a compliment to you, albeit a painful one. Or are you hearing it as passive aggression on his part?

losingfaith wrote:

Very recently he's done it again and I was so hurt about it I told him to feck off, I am NOT one of the lads and don't want to know. So far there has been silence from his end....which is unusual.?

You've told him to **** of so he has ****ed off. You don't like the silence? Break it. But know by breaking it you risk hearing him talk to you about ****ing other women.

losingfaith wrote:

Am I doin something wrong? This has been a problem for me as far back as I can remember, and I'm gettin a pain in my face with it now!

The problem is unclear. They start off dating you but think of you very soon aferward as one their mates and less of a girlfriend?

aidan_walsh

If this has happened with every guy you have gone out with, as you seem to hint, why do you presume that the problem is with all of them? Have you not examined the way you behave with them that might lead them to see you as more of a friend than a girlfriend?

LegacyUser

The problem is unclear. They start off dating you but think of you very soon aferward as one their mates and less of a girlfriend?[/QUOTE]


Thats it! exactly...in fact since posting, I have heard from him, and he was spoutin all this closest friend, can't talk to others like me like he can talk to me b***s***!

Ivan

Welcome to the other side of the fence. Perhaps now you will be one of the few who can see how men feel when we're treated like the "loyal friend" when deep down we want something more.

The fact is, if either party likes the other in a friendship it is going to make things very awkward/uncomfortable/down right annoying, but there are 3 options.

Option the First) get over it
Option the Second) Continue on as friends while simultaneously remaining flirty and hopeful
Option the third) Stop being friends

If you must, feel free to add in a fourth option; Post up on a public forum and have random strangers anaylse my life based on a small paragraph of text I choose to supply them; but dont expect any sympathy from me

440Hz

OP, I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same boat as you, everything you have said is true for me as well. I am 24, and for the past 12 or so years all my closest friends have been guys, I dont know why I just get on better with them. I have one close female friend but other than that all my mates are guys. I dont have any problem with that, and most of the prefer it that way... but it has its drawbacks. This is my 7th year in college and I have always been one of the few girls in my class, I have always been seen as 'one of the lads'. Like i said i like that most of the time, until it comes to meeting guys.
Sure I have been in your situation loads of times where I really like one of the lads, but they see me as their closest friend that they can say anything to. It is really really tough, but so far I have no found any solution. I empathise with how you feel, but what I have generally found myself doing is eventually being happy that someone feels this way about my friendship... it is very frustrating to always be one of the lads, but on the brightside it is really flattering that these guys see you as such an important friend.
Hearing them talk about other girls is never going to be easy, I have been there and know just how tough it is. I think you have the right idea asking him not to talk about it if you feel that uncomfortable with it. Personally, I have ended up just trying to block the hurt of that out, but its tough. What I would say is that you should call him... tell him you really care about him as well, that the friendship means alot to you, and you are flattered that it means that much to him also, however that because you feel something more you would appreciate it if he kept the chat about other girls to clean, advice seeking or summat... tell him you are happy to be his friend even though you see him as more (if you are that is) but that hearing about these girls is just too much.
There are no easy answers, and it is really up the individual to gauge how much you can hack hearing. Just remember, you are not alone in this, and also... girlfriends come and go, but mates as important as you are to this guy, they stick around alot longer... believe me!!

best of luck with it!! Hope it all works out, and chin up... plenty more 'lads' out there to befriend well at least thats what i keep telling myself anyway

Zulu

metrovelvet wrote:

They dont make it easy.

:rolleyes: ...not for bitter people anyway.

OP I'm not sure why you see this as a problem!?! It looks to me like they are trying to develop there relationship with you (or is it all bravado? in which case there probably another issue) albeit in a way that you don't enjoy.

Try explaining to them that it's not something you want to hear, then back it up. ie when they start going on about it - stop them. If they contimue, walk away. They'll soon stop.

LadyJ

losingfaith wrote:

Thanks Lady J....when I read ur mail it makes me feel like a stupid teenager but I'm not, mores the pity....I should really know better!

Reading it back,it does sound a little patronising but it wasn't intended as such.

I just mean,life isn't all about you not making a big enough effort to get what you want or be the best or be perfect.

Sometimes I look back on things and situations and I torture myself,thinking
"Oh,if only I had been better! I could have tried harder! If I had done X,Y and Z differently,I'd still have it all" etc.

The thing is though,that's b0ll0x.

I blame myself because I so badly need explanations for why a relationship didn't work or why someone doesn't fancy me,or why I didn't get some job.

In reality,however,sometimes things just don't work out and sometimes people don't fancy us and sometimes we just don't get jobs and,because we don't have control over things like this,they can be very hard to accept.

My point is just that,I am always going to be me and it's not like in the movies where,just because some geeky girl lets her hair down and puts on a bit of makeup,she gets the guy and all the good luck that comes with him.

I am me. I am beautiful in the eyes of some and I am attractive to some.
It doesn't matter what I do because I can't change who I am. So maybe next time the relationship will work out and maybe the next person you fancy will fancy you too and maybe the next interview you go to,you'll get the job etc. but there are no guarantees in life so you just have to accept the things you have no control over,work on changing the things that are possible to change and,through experience,you will gain the knowledge to know the difference.

Sleepy

disillusioneder wrote:

Can't help you out, I'm disillusioned too. The older I get (I'm 35) the more I think all the nice men are already taken. The ones that are left are a bit psycho, or they have become embittered as well over time

From what I've seen the women are more likely to be bitter about being single in their thirties than men tbh. Men don't get the same negative attention from their peers about being single as women do as they get older. It seems that society is still more comfortable with the notion of bachelors than spinsters (even the word spinster has negative conotations).

metrovelvet - your posts show you as something of a misandrist tbh. Maybe it's not a fair reflection of you IRL but it's how you're appearing on this site.

OP - maybe it's just the people you're around? I know that personally I'm at the point where I have a very, very detailed idea of what I'm looking for in a partner. My ex-girlfriend was so close to being the 'perfect' partner for me that unless someone checks at least as many boxes as her on the list of things I want in a partner I don't even consider them in that light. Maybe that's what's happening here? Or are you giving off the wrong signals, not letting them know that you are actually interested?

Static M.e.

Seems to be a lot of guy bashing here!!

Honestly I dont know why he is telling you about the ins and outs of his sex life if he knows you like him.

I can only speculate as LadyJ mentioned that maybe because he knows you like him and dosen't to be with you that he tells you everything to kindof prove (for want of a better word) to you he doesnt like you. While a strange way to go about things, its very possible.

men always see me as one of the lads

Thats good in way, it means they really like you and trust you. I know I have some female friends that just hang out with guys the whole time but I wouldnt tell her about who I was seeing unless she asked, if she asks then Ill tell her straight out, if I meet someone, if I like her or not, if I will see her again and if not why not, I wouldnt go into details unless she asked further questions but if she did ask then of course I would tell her.

We actually had a talk recently about this very topic why she gets treated as one of the lads sometimes but if you hang around with guys alot, they become accustomed to you being their and quite simply just dont hold back on the conversation. I mean what do you want us to do, stop talking around you and have little private chats when you leave the room, start laughing at something that happens to someone at the weekend girl related and as soon as you come back into the room we all shutup and change the topic. I dont think that you would prefer that situation. Bottom line if you hang around guys all the time, you will get treated the same as "one of the guys".

If you think about it really the lines have completly been greyed out between guys and girls, I dont want to go into to many examples but girls seem to want to be treated like one of the lads (generalisation I know) How many girls these days drink out of Pint glasses or go out and get completly rat arsed or one a thousand things that are very "ladish" how many of your girl friends would you say are very girlie or lady like?

I know why guys are telling you all this stuff unless they get the impression from you that you want to hear this stuff or that you still like them and are using it as a defence against you. But if ALOT of different guys are all coming back to you telling you this stuff, well then I would think that you must give out the impression you want to hear it.. even with guy friends I dont suddenly start talking about my sex life for no reason, I dont think anyone does

The older I get (I'm 35) the more I think all the nice men are already taken. The ones that are left are a bit psycho, or they have become embittered as well over time,

its ditto for guys. Their was an interesting article in the sunday times yesterday about it.

Dragan

Ah, good old one of the lads syndrom.

I have had a plenty of female friends, who my males friends and themselves would consider "one of the lads". I would consider them " a good mate ". To be honest, i think it is important to set up that boundry with your male friends OP. Your not "one of the lads", you a very good friend who is a girl, and as such certain things may make you feel awkward.

This should not be an issue for them, as if they are your friends then they will realise that you might feel a tad weird hearing about that type of thing.

My only question would be are you not wanting to here about it at all, or just because you happen to like this guy and don't want to here about him with other women? The devil is in the details after all.

AngryBadger

tbh I'm not really seeing the big problem here. Guys see you as someone they can actually talk to about stuff. Is this not a welcome change form the supposedly widespread male view of all women are potential sex partners and nothing more?

If you feel you're too friendly with the guys you already know, then get to know other people. tbh parts of this sound fairly unreasonable to me, you're essentialy getting pissed of with guys because they don't feel for you the way you feel for them.....or something. That's life, just because you have certain feelings for a person doesn't mean they're under some kind of karmac obligation to return those feelings, and just because they don't doesn't mean you get to have a bee in your bonnet over it.

LadyJ

Nearly all of my friends are male but they are not your classic "ladish" lads. They are just regular people. When I was younger,I had a few male friends who were really "ladish" and I think that's how I learned to get on with men who are like that.

Thing is,my boyfriend isn't a stereotypical "lad",just like my male friends nowadays aren't. His friends are though. And I think one of the things he likes about me is the fact that I know how to get along with "the lads" and humour them etc.

It can be a good trait to have.

440Hz

Dragan wrote:

To be honest, i think it is important to set up that boundry with your male friends OP. Your not "one of the lads", you a very good friend who is a girl, and as such certain things may make you feel awkward.

I do not agree. I do not think that this is always the case. I have plenty of male friends who see me as one of the lads and I am totally comfortable with that, and I am perfectly happy to listen to their discussions about other females etc, the problem the OP has is that she is interested in this guy as more than a friend, and that is when it gets complicated. Under normal circumstances, ie if you do see the guy as just a friend then you are one of the lads, and 'certain things' do not 'make you feel awkward', that is how it is for me, and other people I know also.

440Hz

AngryBadger wrote:

tbh parts of this sound fairly unreasonable to me, you're essentialy getting pissed of with guys because they don't feel for you the way you feel for them.....or something. That's life, just because you have certain feelings for a person doesn't mean they're under some kind of karmac obligation to return those feelings, and just because they don't doesn't mean you get to have a bee in your bonnet over it.

That is not what the OP is saying at all, or at least what I take from it. The point is that this guy knows the is interested in him as more than just friends yet he still talks about other girls to her.. and that is just insensitive on his part. I do not think that she is just annoyed cos he is not interested.

Dragan

440Hz wrote:

I do not think that this is always the case.

Neither do i, but the advice given was tailored towards the OP, not what "might be the case" for other people.

As such, i simply pointed out that if she has an issue with her male friends discussing such things then say it to them.

As you can see at the end of my post i asked to question as to whether the problem was really all men she knows, or just this guy because she likes him.

The OP's post is quite frankly, confusing as hell, so i was simply covering all the bases, not making assumptions etc.

Zombrex

losingfaith wrote:

Am I doin something wrong?

Yeah, you are hanging around in the "friends zone" with a guy you like and getting up set when he talks to you as a friend.

So stop hanging around with him

How is this losing faith with men. It seems to be a problem of your own creation

AngryBadger

440Hz wrote:

That is not what the OP is saying at all, or at least what I take from it. The point is that this guy knows the is interested in him as more than just friends yet he still talks about other girls to her.. and that is just insensitive on his part. I do not think that she is just annoyed cos he is not interested.

Maybe in that specific case, but again I don't know the intimate details there, i only have the OP's version of events to go ong, is it actually that clear to this guy? And the OP also said that this has always been a problem for her. Which makes me thik she's aproaching this the wrong way.

Dragan

440Hz wrote:

That is not what the OP is saying at all, or at least what I take from it. The point is that this guy knows the is interested in him as more than just friends yet he still talks about other girls to her.. and that is just insensitive on his part. I do not think that she is just annoyed cos he is not interested.

Actually, i took nothing from the post to say that he knows she is interested, OP , maybe you could expand, or at least clear up, the story for us?

LegacyUser

Maybe U have the kind of friendly personality that people trust U enough to confide in U their innermost thoughts and feelings and expect from U not to think any less of them. Maybe they are given U their honesty. Surely this is in fact a quality that a girl would look for in a man ?

disillusioneder - U sound rather bitter. Have U never refused an advance
from a man ? Maybe - even - a decent man ? Now U know how he felt as he
walked away. And how old are U now (did U say) ?

Static M.e.

LadyJ.

Thing is,my boyfriend isn't a stereotypical "lad",just like my male friends nowadays aren't. His friends are though. And I think one of the things he likes about me is the fact that I know how to get along with "the lads" and humour them etc.

It can be a good trait to have.

Its a GREAT trait to have.

LegacyUser

Dragan wrote:

Actually, i took nothing from the post to say that he knows she is interested, OP , maybe you could expand, or at least clear up, the story for us?

He knows...he knows very clearly...he also included me in a mailing list and I got something I shouldn't have by accident, which has really hurt....I'm not sure that our friendship can recover from it tbh.

Dragan

losingfaith wrote:

He knows...he knows very clearly...he also included me in a mailing list and I got something I shouldn't have by accident, which has really hurt....I'm not sure that our friendship can recover from it tbh.

Well in that case you need to move one and get over it to be honest. If he knows, and is not acting, and you have told him that the way he speaks about other women is upsetting you and he still does, then he is not the person you thought he was, plain and simple.

I would suggest you put any thoughts of a relationship with him behind you and move one. And this time, try and not be "one of the lads"?

AngryBadger

Dragan wrote:

Well in that case you need to move one and get over it to be honest. If he knows, and is not acting, and you have told him that the way he speaks about other women is upsetting you and he still does, then he is not the person you thought he was, plain and simple.

This is a fair point. As I said earlier, what your post amounts to is that you're getting thick with this guy because he isn't attracted to you, and you're well out of line.

Static M.e.

Yeah if he knows why bother with him, you sound like a genuine nice person, Im quite sure you will have no trouble finding someone else.

Life is too short to waste it on someone who doesn't at the very least show you some respect.

GL

LegacyUser

AngryBadger wrote:

This is a fair point. As I said earlier, what your post amounts to is that you're getting thick with this guy because he isn't attracted to you, and you're well out of line.

Actually I'm not thick with him cos he isn't attracted to me....in actual fact he is and anyway our friendship runs a lot deeper than physical attraction. I'm upset at his lack of respect, so maybe previous poster is right and I need to call a day on the friendship...I was hopin that there may be someway around it but its not lookin likely, and its not going to be easy either.

AngryBadger

losingfaith wrote:

Actually I'm not thick with him cos he isn't attracted to me....in actual fact he is and anyway our friendship runs a lot deeper than physical attraction. I'm upset at his lack of respect, so maybe previous poster is right and I need to call a day on the friendship...I was hopin that there may be someway around it but its not lookin likely, and its not going to be easy either.

I'm not really seeing a lack of respect here, he talks to you about stuff, which emans he obviously feels very comfortable aorund you? how is that disrespectful? And if you're both attracted to teach other and you both know it, then why aren't you together? Has either of you tried to initiate thing? If you have and he hasn't reciprocated have you asked him why (if you're sa convinced that he is atracted to you)? If he has and you haven't reciprocated then why not?

The whole thing doesn't really make any sense to me. You say you're attracted to him, and he's attracted to oyu, and your relationship is close enough that he feels comfortable talking to you about stuff, and yet you have some major problem with this, and the two of you are not an item.

Sounds like we're only getting half the facts here tbh.

RandomOne

Ivan wrote:

Welcome to the other side of the fence. Perhaps now you will be one of the few who can see how men feel when we're treated like the "loyal friend" when deep down we want something more.

The fact is, if either party likes the other in a friendship it is going to make things very awkward/uncomfortable/down right annoying, but there are 3 options.

Option the First) get over it
Option the Second) Continue on as friends while simultaneously remaining flirty and hopeful
Option the third) Stop being friends

If you must, feel free to add in a fourth option; Post up on a public forum and have random strangers anaylse my life based on a small paragraph of text I choose to supply them; but dont expect any sympathy from me

You sound like my mate. Great guy, would make a lovely bf (too young for me) kind, thoughtful, actually listens!!!

OP - you need to draw a boundary between friend/bf the guys can understand and stick to it. If it's a persistent problem, it's the signals you give out making them see you as a mate albeit a flirty one. My mate would do well to be a bit more assertive rather than worrying he'll offend someone if he shows "male" interest rather than general interest. i.e. portrays himself as potential bf material instead of everyone's big brother!

metrovelvet

OP can you give some examples of what is disrespectful? Its very hard to get a clear picture here without more facts.

Sleepy wrote:

metrovelvet - your posts show you as something of a misandrist tbh. Maybe it's not a fair reflection of you IRL but it's how you're appearing on this site.

Of course Im going to appear like a misandrist on a homofiliac site.

And btw doctor, heal thyself.

LegacyUser

Not a single mention of sex or sexuality on this thread.

Therein lies the problem.

Nice girl who lives to have fun = great friend.
Nice girl who wants to have fun and makes it clear that she wants to **** like its going out of style = lover.

Why is that hard?

Nevyn

metrovelvet and sleepy behave., unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Fanny Cradock

metrovelvet wrote:

Of course Im going to appear like a misandrist on a homofiliac site.

how is this site "homophilic", metrovelvet? do you mean misogynistic?

maybe the OP should look for a relationship outside her current set of friends - including the guy you fancy. I fail to see how this is the fault of the males you hang out with.

Nevyn

Fanny Cradock lets not drag this off topic any futher.

the_syco

OP, are you sure he knows, as us men don't take those little hints, tbh. A simple yes or no. If no, drop him to the kerb.

CaptainSmith

Maybe you are just looking in the wrong places, the pub or office might not be the best place to meet guys to treat you like a women, there are always plenty of options, try and get involved in some legal social circle, or alternatively join a club (flying clubs have ratio's of 50:1 in favour of women ) there are plenty of options out there, dont feel you are being rejected, someday you'll find a guy who does like telling you everything and treats you however you want him to, just try new things and there';; always be new people there too...

Cheers

smash

so you get a lot of guys to date you etc... but you have Male friends too... is the problem that you can't hold onto guys that date you, or you can't get the guys you want who are your friends?

metrovelvet

advicer wrote:

Not a single mention of sex or sexuality on this thread.

Therein lies the problem.

Nice girl who lives to have fun = great friend.
Nice girl who wants to have fun and makes it clear that she wants to **** like its going out of style = lover.

Why is that hard?

More like, why isn't it hard?

OP where is the lust? Advicer has it in one.