How to phrase this delicately

scrattletrap

My six year old as of three weeks ago has decided to stop wiping his bum properly, hence we have poo everywhere. He was very good up until three weeks ago and I can't think of anything that could have bothered him then. I explained the necessity of it to him, and re-taught him, but everyday it is the same thing, it is getting to the point where I can't take him places in fear that he will need to go to the toilet and not clean himself properly.
He just isn't finishing what he is starting, he is going about five times a day and almost using an entire toilet roll a day.
Help!!

Debracd

Have you tried getting something like Kandoo wipes for him instead? They're a novilty plus they do a better job iykwim;)

Deb

tyney

He is going 5 TIMES A DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What are you feeding him? I would have thought that twice a day was weird.

luckat

Sounds like the kid has diarrhoea. Has he seen a doc?

scrattletrap

No he doesn't have diarrhoea, my mums a nurse and I asked her, she it is just a phase, one I'd rather be over.
I have the wipes for him too.

Debracd

My DS goes through phases like that too, but it's more from not having the patience to sit and 'finish' it so he's back in an hour for another installment lol

LadyJ

OP,are you sure there is nothing bothering your son?

A lot of child psychologists would say that this is your son's way of trying to take control,because it is one of the only things a child has power over at that age.

Maybe check that he is getting on ok at school etc.

RandomOne

OP - I think your initial handling of the problem was absolutely right = re-educating/explanation of reasons why. But I also think LadyJ could be right. If you eliminate the possibility of any problems causing the "rebellion" as it were, then the fact that it's actually interfering with days out etc is something that also needs to be explained. If he understands the couple of minutes hygiene will actually allow him to do more enjoyable things he may have more inclination/reason to do them.

Ickle Magoo

I'd be inclined to agree with LadyJ, too....at this age kids have power & genuine choice over very little but two things they can control is what goes into them & what comes out...would a sticker chart or some kind of reward system help to encourage him to wipe properly? At least until he is through this phase...

I also think going 5 times a day isn't helping...would you consider letting him take in a book or something to ensure he stays there long enough to get the job done in the first place?

scrattletrap

After a final talking to last night, this time I got his father involved, it seems have done the trick and things are going much better today. He has gone the once and did everything properly, good on him.

Lust4Life

I don't buy into any of that touchy-feely stuff when it comes to child rearing.
Do not worry that it may be a psychological issue. He is 1) testing his limits with you or 2) just being lazy.

I recommend that you tell him each day first off that there will be no toilet issues today. If there IS a toilet issue, your son will lose one of his favorite toys or favorite priveleges for an entire week. Each day he messes up, another toy/privelege is gone. Here, I put them (the removed toys) in a grocery bag up high but still within view. It works!!!!!!!!!

Our job is not to be their best pal, it is to correct their errors/issues as a parent.
It sounds harsh, but it is not.

Check out this site - he is my hero when it comes to raising kids!
http://rosemond.com/index.php

L4L

ST*

Lust4Life wrote:

I don't buy into any of that touchy-feely stuff when it comes to child rearing.

The loving mother thing? ya it is the pits.

Lust4Life wrote:

Do not worry that it may be a psychological issue. He is 1) testing his limits with you or 2) just being lazy.

While that maybe true, how can one be sure that there isn't a problem in that general area at the moment. The OP mentioned that he poos quite often, he maybe just a little sensitive from all the wiping and is avoiding it at the moment.

Simply by talking to your child rather than being overly strict you can get to the bottom of most of these problems.

Lust4Life wrote:

Our job is not to be their best pal, it is to correct their errors/issues as a parent. It sounds harsh, but it is not.

It does sound harsh actually. You can be loving, and understanding with your child whilst being firm. If a parent tries to deal with their child in a 'strictly by the book' fashion all of the time, you shut down the channels of communication in my opinion.

I think by talking to the child, make them feel empathetic towards your plight (having to wash the soiled underwear) - it sets them up to change their behaviour.

It worked for me anyway.

LadyJ

Lust4Life wrote:

Do not worry that it may be a psychological issue.

Maybe it's not.

But maybe it is,in which case it wouldn't be wise to ignore it as it will just build up and cause problems for the child in later life.

Our job is not to be their best pal, it is to correct their errors/issues as a parent.
It sounds harsh, but it is not.

A parent's job,imo,is to help their child develop and function as a human being.

This cannot be achieved without making an effort to communicate with,and understand your child. And it is possible to do this without being walked all over.

Ayla

Yikes, I know I'm setting myself up to be next on the chopping block, but I actually agree with Lust4Life.

If you read his/her post carefully, you'll see that they were setting up boundaries for their child, and showing the child that there are consequences for challenging same. I personally don't see why that is being unloving, non-understanding or not helping the child to develop into an ultimately wonderful human being. In fact, I feel that realistic boundaries are extremely important in childrearing, b/c without it the child doesn't necessarily have a clear idea of what is right or wrong.

Of course, what consequences are given must be dependent on the child and their reaction to discipline (some react positively straight away b/c they don't like being "in the wrong" while other children have more of a stubborn streak). And it's equally important to praise the child when they're behaving well.

As parents, how often have you heard and/or said "be good or else (we're going home, etc)" to your child? Lust4Life's comments are the same. You're setting down guidelines and boundaries for the child to act within. Why does that mean you're not showing love & understanding to your child?

Honestly, my first reaction to the psychological explanation was that it was a bit far-fetched. I think the OP did exactly the right thing in teaching & reteaching and talking to her child. But I think if that still didn't work then a re-establishment of the boundaries is next on the list.

So, my question, LadyJ, is why would you think that correcting a child's errors/issues (as said by Lust4Life) would not be helping them to develop and function as a human being (as you said?)

LadyJ

Ayla wrote:

So, my question, LadyJ, is why would you think that correcting a child's errors/issues (as said by Lust4Life) would not be helping them to develop and function as a human being (as you said?)

I never said that it wouldn't.

To a certain extent I also agree with L4L. I think that it is,of course, necessary to correct a child's errors etc.

I just said was that it is possible to do that and also take the time to find out if there is more to the bad behaviour than just plain stubborness without letting them take advantage of you.

All I meant was that,in this case,there is a strong possibility that the problem in question is an issue that runs a bit deeper than the child just being lazy or trying to "test" his parents.

Therefore,imo,I don't think that it is a good idea to point blank refuse to believe that the child might be acting out as a result of something bigger.

I completely agree that discipline is an important part of a child's development but I think that is also important to take the time to understand the reasons behind a problem like this.


EDIT: Also,L4L, this is not meant in any way as an attack on your parenting.
I'm sure you can appreciate that this is just a difference of opinion on technique.

ST*

For the record, I never said L4L was wrong per se. I simply pointed out that boundaries should be set with a loving hand. Let the child understand why something is wrong. Not simply to be told this is bad, don't do it again, it is not acceptable.

Of the one or two times that my son has soiled his underwear, it was simply because he was in a hurry to get back outside to his friends and thought he wiped sufficiently - and didn't actually notice until he went to the bathroom again. I knelt down to him and explained he had to be careful while wiping or he would soil his pants, and that it wasn't a nice thing for mommy to have to wash. "Yes mommy" he said, gave me a hug and went to the machine with his underwear. It hasn't happened again since.

I'm not critisising anyones parenting, different things may work for them. I didn't mean that anyone was an unloving parent - just that it is of utmost importance to express this during disipline. It helps the child to understand that certain behaviour is not acceptable, without feeling put down all the time. Level with them if you like.

Lust4Life

Wow! You make it sound like I'm the cruelest Mom in the world!
I'm not saying you shouldn't use a loving hand in discipline. I'm saying don't be so worried that your child is emotionally stunted! Too many parents fall into that rut!
There does not have to be an emotional issue to every action your child takes. And the more you worry if there IS an emotional issue to every phase your child goes through, the more they will cop on to this and come up with an excuse to behave that way and play on your guilt!

If you let them know boundaries, and let them know you expect them to follow them or there will be real consequences and not idle threats, they will be more well adjusted as they grow.

I'm not a total meanie! I love my son!

scrattletrap

Whow, I didn't realise this thread would bring such controversy. I'm one of the
Me "do this"
Child "why"
Me "because I told you too"
brigade too.
The problem seems to have abated somewhat, and hopefully it will stay that way. Each of us parents in different ways and as long as our children turn out to be well balanced humans that is all that matters.

Nevyn

Me "do this"
Child "why"
Me "because I told you too"

I do that but will always try to explain why even if it is my generic,
I am older and wiser then you and I have to teach you about life and what you are allowed and are not allowed do.

I also have a mantra with mine,
"who owns you ?"
" Mammy and Daddy"
"Who loves you?"
" Mammy and Daddy"
"who wants all the best things for you ?"
" Mammy and Daddy"
" who has to teach you all the things so you can be a grown up?"
" Mammy and Daddy"

Which gets followed by tickles or by strops as they have to do the things they don't like.

Debracd

We do that too Thead! Kids have so many questions and it's great for them to know 'why' we tell them to do thing and how they should be done. I personally don't want to raise a lovely set of lemmings who will just do whatever anyone tells them to do and not question anything, so I think it's a great to give them a reason. Even if it's only 'because I'm you mammy and it's my job to tell you what you have to do!'


Kinda like this(I didn't make it up though unfortunately )

The Mummy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know whereit's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," ...I was thinking quickly, "All Mums know this stuff. It's on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mummy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, and she was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to
be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.


Deb

Nevyn

Well I tell mine that if I don't know I know were to go to find out and we can find out together.

Debracd

Aye... God bless Google!;)

scrattletrap

Oh I don't mean proper questions, they always get an answer to the best of my ability to give them. I mean the "why do we have to go to the shop....why do we have to go to granny's....." these always get a because I said so.

Nevyn

"why do we have to go to the shop."

Because we have to by x, y and z and then I get them to remeber what is it in case "I" forget.

"why do we have to go to granny's....."

Beacuse it is nice to visit our family and see then and check they are ok
and you have to learn how to behave on visits and show everyone your wonderfull manners



Yes as I kid I was a right smart arse and I never grew out of it.

Victor

Ayla wrote:

Yikes, I know I'm setting myself up to be next on the chopping block, but I actually agree with Lust4Life.

All well and good, but if the child does have problems, 'punishment' won't solve it.

scrattletrap

Thaedydal wrote:

"why do we have to go to the shop."

Because we have to by x, y and z and then I get them to remeber what is it in case "I" forget.

"why do we have to go to granny's....."

Beacuse it is nice to visit our family and see then and check they are ok
and you have to learn how to behave on visits and show everyone your wonderfull manners

Ah yes but when you have explained that for the twentieth time and your trying to get them out the door before the next rain shower (or your head explodes), the because I said so comes in very handy

Lust4Life

Speaking of explaining things...
was walking with my son one spring evening and came across two ducks mating!
My son asked "Wow! Look, Mom! What are they doing???"
Just as I was searching for the correct way to put it, he quickly said "Oh, I know! They're playing Tag!!!!!"
I let out a sigh of relief and said "Yes! And the pretty one is winning!!!":D

L4L