Worth It?

LegacyUser

The basic situation is that I have known basically for as long as I can remember that my mum is married to my stepdad and doesn't see my dad. My stepdad has always been my dad to me and I think my mum kinda 'forgot' somewhere along the way that I was at her wedding and remember being introduced to my stepdad, so when i was twelve she kinda told me straight out that he was my stepdad and told me my dads name and asked if i had any questions and at the time i didn't really think and didn't ask. I'm now 19 and have been thinking for the past while that I would like to meet my dad, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea. My mum is not a petty person and I doubt she would have cut ties with him without good reason. Also, though I find it difficult to talk to her about it I have occasionally touched on the subject with my aunties and none of them seem fond of him....the trouble is that I'm almost jealous of the fact that they got to meet him long enough to make any sort of judgement.

I don't know any of the details of what happened between my mum and dad before or after I was born. I don't know if he saw me when I was a baby or anything else, I definitely don't remember ever meeting him. My mum and grandparents and then my stepdad raised me and I've always had everything I want. I don't want to meet him for financial gain or anything, but I think I want to know this man. The trouble is I don't know if he wants to know me, and I don't know how much it would hurt if he didn't. Then again if he did I have no idea how much upset I would cause meeting him, I'd feel I was nearly being a traitor to my mum and her side of the family who have always given me everything and been there. Also, I have a younger brother and sister who don't know anything about this and while I know they'll hear it eventually I'm afraid of it putting a gap between us. I also don't want to hurt my stepdad who has basically been my dad for as far back as I remember.

I think my questions come down to whether or not it's a good idea to pursue this, how to approach it if I do, and what to expect? The idea of hurting my family is really holding me back but at the same time he's got to be in his forties now and time is only getting on, and I have no doubt a whole family out there that I've never met. I doubt he would be difficult to contact, but I don't know if I should. I actually don't know if he even knows about me. I think he does, I just have an overriding feeling that he mustn't want to know me because he's been an adult far longer than I have and has had every chance to be the one to get in touch.

Advice. Please.

Beruthiel

There's a saying that goes, when the child asks the question, they're old enough to know the answer.
My sisters daughter does not know her dad (she's 10).
However, my sister fully expects that a lot of questions will be asked in the not too distant future and she will answer them as best she can.

Your mother expects that you will one day ask questions, it's only natural that you would like to know who he was and were he came from. She knows you have a right to know.
Your aunts are saying nothing to you because they believe this conversation should be between you and your mother.
Pick a time where the two of you can sit down and discuss this, she has most likely run the whole conversation over in her head.
Expect nothing with regards to him and you cannot be disappointed.
Best of luck
a

hshortt

You have the right to know, but the finding out can cause issues that you've clearly thought of already. Right now you probably feel that something is missing from your life and you are correct that finding out one way or another will fill this gap. The opportunity exists for you to have some kind of relationship with your dad and it might be worth finding out for yourself how good this can be. If your mom has a current address you could write first and see if your dad is interested in meeting you. Why write? - It gives you time to think about what you want to say, you won't be interuppted while talking and you are leaving the option of a response open. If he writes back or calls you then you should meet and have a one to one conversation.
I would not suggest going for a drink, but for a coffee and pastry instead.

If you are close to your mom you could ask her what happened that they broke up, as Beruthial as mentioned already, your mom will be expecting this coversation.

Good luck,
Cheerio
Howard

AngryBadger

If your mother has broached it with you in the past, then in her head she obviously understands that these are questions you may want answers to at some point, and she's ok with that. And I'm sure she's been through all of this with your Stepdad, but i'd say a chat with him wouldn't do any harm to assauge your own concerns as much as his.

My advice would be to ask your mam how you might contact him, maybe even ask her what happened between them, explain to her how you feel, that you're worried about the history that everyone on ehr side seems to want to ignore, and that you're afraid of letting the side down. She'll tell you not to worry about letting the side down, and hopefully you'll be able to get some answers.

Sleepy

I'm really just echoing Beruthiel's advice tbh, try asking your Mum about it some time when you're both on your own for a while and in a position to talk. I'm sure she won't mind talking about it with you as she'll have expected the questions and from the sounds of things, whatever happened in her relationship with your father, things worked out for her: she has you, your stepdad and your younger brother and sister.

Personally, I'd only mention anything about meeting him at the end of, or after the conversation with your Mum (if you're still interested in meeting him at that point).

Personally, I think kids are a blessing more than a responsibility or burden so I think in a way that if he's never made any effort to meet you, he doesn't deserve to have you in his life now. Perhaps he did want to know you but he and your mother decided you'd have a more 'normal' childhood living in a 'proper' family without him around, but this isn't something you should dwell on any more than the thought he's a horrible person. Your mum has the answers and you won't hurt her by asking.

brown*eyed*girl

Hi I met my real biological Father for the first time around 2 years ago. My Mam and biological Father split when I was six months old. He paid maintenance but never bothered seeing me. He married someone else and had 3 more kids. My Mam married too and my stepdad is the best in the world. I too had a lovely childhood and raised with my Mam and grandparents. My stepdad only came on the scene when I was 13 but I'm 30 now and I'd consider him to be like a Dad and definatly my two kids grandad. Like you I was happy with my lot but this thing niggled at me that I wanted to meet him. My Mam had no problem talking about it and tbh I had a lot of high expectations and strongly recommend you to expect nothing as therefore you won't be disappointed. I'm sorry I'm rambling here but my experience of meeting my "real" Dad was a big let-down. He was nice to my face and took my number but never rang again. I thought I'd feel sad about it but I didn't really as it only made me realise how lucky to have my Mam and stepdad in my life. I did get closure though which was like a sigh of relief. The whole experience just re-enforced what I always thought and that its who rears you is your real parents. I also now think that if I had the choice to do it again I wouldn't because at the end of the day if he really wanted to see me he would do the contacting. But again I do know that niggly feeling of curiousity. Again my biggest advice is to expect nothing so you won't be dissappointed. Its a very weird feeling though because its like meeting a stranger and I didn't feel any connection. Now that's just my experience. Best of luck no matter what you do.

RandomOne

brown*eyed*girl wrote:

tbh I had a lot of high expectations and strongly recommend you to expect nothing as therefore you won't be disappointed. I'm sorry I'm rambling here but my experience of meeting my "real" Dad was a big let-down. He was nice to my face and took my number but never rang again.

I can only answer the OP from a "Mum" point of view. I always told my daughters if they ever wanted to find their father I would help them and not to worry about upsetting me as it was a normal thing for them to want to know. My eldest daughter tracked him down about two years ago and had virtually an identical experience to brown-eyed girl above. Ther's nothing wrong in you wanting to know more about your father, and get in touch, but be prepared - there's a reason he hasn't kept in contact with you all this time and unless the parent with custody is the cause (which OP you say isn't likely), most "reasonable" excuses a missing parent comes up with are just that - excuses.

My eldest daughter always felt it a reflection on her that her Father couldn't be bothered, and now she's received a second rejection. Luckily my youngest daughter (now 19) has always felt it's his problem and his loss - she's right!

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who has replied to this. I've read it all and I hate to be so indicisive to be honest I still haven't decided what to do. I do know that I want to meet him, just to know who he is and what he looks like and what he does and just general stuff that a person should know about their father. Hell, even just know his blood group and medical history in case I ever get ill in later life. I'm not expecting anything from him, some people have expressed sentiments that if he hasn't tried to contact me I shouldn't be too hopeful, and I know that. I actually have a pretty dim view of him at the moment because I know if I had a child I'm make an effort to contact them or at the very least acknowledge them with financial support and a name on a birth cert (I don't want either of these things by the way), but I'd still like to know a couple of things. For example, I know it's stupid but I know what county he's from and I have a mortal fear of ever scoring anyone from there incase they could be my brother or cousin or something.

Anyway, I think I do need to talk to my mum about this, whether or not I go ahead with meeting him. I don't even know if she has contact details anymore but I guess she'll know more than me. I've been thinking about my step dad's reaction too and I imagine it wont be that bad because he's adopted and tried to find his birth mum at one point with his mum's full support, so i guess he'll understand.

The last thing I want to ask is if anyone can think how I should approach the conversation? I live away from home since I started college and am only there a day or maybe two in the week, usually on days when my mam is working. She's self employed so I can see her in work and chat but it's hardly the place to bring this up and I would never do it on the phone. Can anyone even think of the first sentence to say to her? I know she will answer me but i still feel really awkward about bringing it up.

Thanks, boardsies, I know ye don't get anything out of being nice in the PI forum!