a family matter, please help

will'o'wisp

I have just got engaged to the most wonderful man, Although getting married is something I never planned to do when he asked me It just seemed right and I can't imagine going through life without him.

Here be the crux, My family aren't catholic and his is, We have been to three of his family weddings in the past year and they have all been big polished church affairs. Its just not for me I have started thinking about the perfect wedding and for me It would be on a private beach in the carribeann surrounded by 20-30 of my closest friends (the only family i would be expected to invite would be my parents) To book out a luxury villa and have a week long party. Although my other half- Jabberwock just wants me to be happy and wants what i want it is his family particularly his mother that will be hurt. What should i do? Either way it will be probally up to me to break it to her.

Any advice will be gladly accepted. also has anyone got married on a beach is it perfect or are my expections not very realistic.

iguana

Have you announced your engagement yet? I spent a lot of time leading my future mother-in-law into discussions on the folly of big weddings long before I ever told her I was going to marry her son. When ever an opportunity came up I would stick it in, just so she would not have any huge expectations when we eventually announced it.

If she asked about my friends I would say "Oh I was just talking to my friend X, she was saying that she and Mr X would love to buy a house but they are still paying off their wedding loan. She is very down about it." Then she would say that it was terrible, and how it was no way to start married life.

Then we decided to plan out exactly what we wanted before telling his family. I know she isn't wild about how we are getting married, but at least once we told her we were getting married she wouldn't have been constructing some mad fantasy batch in her head. So she accepts it, and I'm sure she is looking forward to it and will enjoy it for what it is.

If you don't have anytime to lay groundwork, you should investigate exactly what you want to do and start making plans. Then announce it in a happy way, don't "break it to her" it is good news. But if you treat it as if it is something to apologise for she is more likely to see it as something she has power to change.

Whereas if you just tell her and then rabbit on about how much you are looking forward to it. And how this is exactly what you've fantasised about since you were a little girl with a big happy grin on your face she is more likely to accept it as fait accomplie.

At the end of the day this is your wedding, not hers, and as long as your fiance is in agreement, plan what you want.

Figment

Why not go for your own dream wedding, and then have a simple church blessing when you get back? Would that not make everyone happy?

will'o'wisp

will they let me have a church blessing even though i was never baptised?

Figment

Some will some wont. Depends on the priest.
I doubt most priests would think to ask.

daveg

My wife is catholic and so is her family. I am not and neither is my family. She wanted a church wedding so we had a full catholic wedding. Thanks to our priest our non catholic status didn't make any difference.

obrien_pa

I may have read your post incorrectly, but to invite your parents to a small wedding ceremony (whether it's religious or civil, beach or church) and not to have your fella's family represented, imho, wouldn't be the best start to married life together.

It may well be that your future mother-in-law(!) would love a change from the usual routine of big church affairs for the wedding, and would be delighted to attend a smaller affair on a beach in the carribbean?

Basically, all I'm saying is you should consider inviting both families/parents if you are inviting family at all.

SingingCherry

I hear people complaining about their family's wedding wishes all the time. Church vs. Civil, destination vs. home, etc. This is YOUR wedding. It's not your mother's nor your mother-in-law's. If you want to go to some lovely, warm island then you should.

This wedding process is going to stress you to the max, and there is no reason you should be guilted into having a church wedding. That will only make it worse. Make your wedding what you want it to be.

Oh, and he is your fiance now. If you two decide that you want to go to an island to have your wedding, he doesn't throw you to the lions. He tells his own mother!

will'o'wisp

obrien_pa wrote:

Basically, all I'm saying is you should consider inviting both families/parents if you are inviting family at all.

I definately wasn't suggesting not inviting his close family!! Its just the 200+ extended family that I don't want to invite. It just seems to me that weddings here (and i am speaking very generally as i have only attended a few of them) are more an extended family reunion than a celebration of love.

I would consider having a church blessing if it was important to Aaron but its not i have asked him its just his mother and i certainly wouldn't expect him to have a wicken ceremony just because my mum is a white witch!!

I think we are decided and its now just a case of breaking it to the mother in law to be. She is a very nice lady Its just that she only has two children and i think she might be waiting a long time for the other to marry and has been looking forward to her big day as mother of the groom! I hate the thought of disappointing her.

iguana

willowisp wrote:

I think we are decided and its now just a case of breaking it to the mother in law to be. She is a very nice lady Its just that she only has two children and i think she might be waiting a long time for the other to marry and has been looking forward to her big day as mother of the groom! I hate the thought of disappointing her.

You should really try not to think of it as "breaking it to her." Just announce it like the good news it is. And when you tell her make sure she knows how much this means to you, and how excited you are about what you have planned. She may surprise you and be really happy for you. Good luck!

paddyp

willowisp wrote:

I definately wasn't suggesting not inviting his close family!! Its just the 200+ extended family that I don't want to invite.

Take the eddie hobbs advice and invite them all - the basic costs are the same regardless of how many people you invite - so the more you invite the more lightly you are to cover your costs.

Make sure you ask for money, some people think its rude blah blah but who wants to end up with 10 bread makers, 4 food processors and a whole heap of other crap gifts!

Ickle Magoo

Hi will'o'wisp,

I am an athiest, my husband was raised a Catholic tho he wouldn't consider himself one these days....so we had roughly the same issues to deal with.

The bottom line is it is your wedding, it is about you & your partner getting married & wanting to spend the rest of your lives together. Your guests are just that - invited to witness your ceremony to each other.

I sat my MIL down after the excitement of our engagement had worn off to explain that I would not, under any circumstances, be getting married in a church. I told her I just wanted her to be aware of this. My MIL was definately distraught at first but after the event (we were married in Balbirnie House in Scotland by a registrar) she told me it was the best wedding she had ever been to. In some respects I think telling her first off that things were going to be done our way set the scene & made the rest of the organising much easier.

I think you have to respect your future MIL's views and expect that she may be annoyed or disappointed but don't let that detract from whose day it actually is and from celebrating it the way both you & your partner want to. Best of luck!

Milkman

congratulations Willo

I dont see what the problem is really.
We're getting married in 2 months. Both of us have huge extended families from the country who expect a large traditional wedding.
We are going to cyprus with our parents, brothers and sisters and a small group of firiends. Getting married on a beach and then off for an informal party. No entended family, no uncles and aunts and neighbour who babysat you when you were 5, none of that nonsence.

Remember its YOUR day, not the parents day.

We had a couple of eyebrows and comments raised by relations and parents, but we shrugged them off , didnt get into any discussions with them , just said ' this is what we are doing, we'd love you to be there'.

Herself's mother was a little put out that it is a civil ceremony, with no priest. I simply told her that if she felt that strongly we would make time for her to say a prayer to the group..... end of problem!!

Either way with a wedding, mothers like to get involved, but it is your wedding and you call the shots, if you dont like what they are doing or how they are approaching things, then it is up to you to put the foot down.

M.

elz

This is very common in all weddings - some people want to invite all because they want the big wedding... You want it small and intimate, that what you want!

Making a wedding invitation list is always going to be hard... someone's nose will always be put out!! But that's not for you to worry about coz you have enough on your plate.

Don't worry about it just get everyone that matters involved in the wedding and hopefully that will encourage them to see that once their there to celebrate that's all that matters.

Good luck

The Gecko

What I did....

Just got married abroad in a spiritual blessing and will do the civil thing in a couple of weeks time,

My mother would have loved a church wedding, but we both explained it was not for us and that we wanted just close friends and family at the wedding.

It ended up with 32 of us standing on a cliff top in 30 degrees on a clear day at my favorite location in the world. We had an amazingly spiritual and touching ceremony and the went on to a fantastic meal at a top restaurant with private room, followed by a couple of hours of lying on chill out beds with champaign beer etc.....

My main point is most people who like really big church sessions like them because they know no different. But take the plunge, stand your ground and have your dream day, I just did and wouldn't have had it any other way. Your and your partners family will just have to accept it and if the go along the will love it and never forget it.

I have been to lots of weddings and couldn't tell you what the church was like or the flowers for that matter. But for us and for one every who attended my wedding the will never forget this view.... (see attached)

Edit: You dont have to go outside europe fo r amazing beeches, do think about who you might lose by having it so far away, expensive to get there, time off work (anywhere in outside europe turns it into a week long/two week event etc. Best of luck either way

Cantab.

willowisp wrote:

will they let me have a church blessing even though i was never baptised?

If you were never baptised, you certainly won't be entitlted to a full nuptual Mass in a Catholic Church. If you are serious about getting married in the Catholic Church, you will need to talk to your local PP.