unfaithful?

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this cos it's a bit sensitive. I'm a man, married now for 12 years, 4 lovely kids etc, no money problems, lovely house, nice car, etc etc - the suburban dream...

The problem is I'm not happy, mainly because my married life is miserable. My wife has a serious issue around lovemaking and it only happens about once per month - when it does, she's selfish, and most unimaginitive. I always make sure she reaches orgasm (no she's not faking! she wouldn't bother to pretend believe me!). She enjoys my attentions including oral but never has returned the favour. She insists on coming first and when she's satisfied she just lies there motionless til I finish. I've tried talking to her about this for years, I've suggested counselling, therapy, you name it, but she gets incredibly angry and just won't discuss it. I could handle the sexual issues if there was any eral affection on her part, but she's only affectionate when there's an audience, i.e. in front of friends.

The real problem is that I have decided to leave her - I recently someone who has shown me what intimacy and affection are like and I crave it so badly I'm prepared to lose my family for it. I feel so bad about the effect it will have on the kids, but I feel like I've tried everything and every part of me is screaming to escape.

I don't want another person to be the reason for leaving - i want to do so for the right reasons but is there any such thing? Am I completely wrong?

Confused...

BoozyBabe

I'm not going to go all moralistic here.

If you've decided it's what you want then just do it.
You've tried the talking etc, & she won't budge.
You've one life & all that.

BUT, if you're going to leave her then do.
Don't let the affair linger on. (I'm not going to start on the "you should / shouldn't have done that)
Make the break but be prepared for the consequences.
They could be really horrible.

Make sure this other woman, or the life you assume you'll have with other women will be worth it.

Best of luck

manonthemoon

off the record wrote:

My wife has a serious issue around lovemaking and it only happens about once per month - when it does, she's selfish, and most unimaginitive. I always make sure she reaches orgasm (no she's not faking! she wouldn't bother to pretend believe me!). She enjoys my attentions including oral but never has returned the favour. She insists on coming first and when she's satisfied she just lies there motionless til I finish. .

Has it always been like this?

Strokesfan

I think lots of women have this problem after childbirth and weightgain etc - their sex drive declines. Do you still have a good relationship otherwise with your wife? Have you totally considered that you will have to move out and support your kids remotely? You may leave for this woman and find there is a gaping hole where your family used to be. I think it's sad that it's come to this and I can see you're wrestling with your conscience.
Do you think this new woman will give you the respect, kindness and intimacy that you want from this relationship in the long term? You've already decided I think and I hope it works out but try to make the separation as easy as possible on your family. I think your wife will realise that you are with a new woman so fast that you must have found her while married and she will be extremely hurt - prepare yourself for an ugly few months if not more. Just don't value lust over love. If you are miserable and your wife is miserable it might be the best thing but you'l often find that things are not so perfect on the other side of the fence either.

Zulu

From what I read - sound like your marrage is a sham. Getting out of it is the best thing. ...you don't need to be married to be a good father.

Sleepy

Ok, from one of the kids perspective. My Dad left when I was 18. Best thing that ever happened in a way. I get on better with both my parents since. It sounds like you've a pretty loveless marriage so you're better off out of it.

The one piece of advice I'd give you is to try and make sure the divorce is quick and clean. No playing the kids off one another etc. As the man in the situation, I honestly believe you're best to just sign over the house and leave your wife as financially well off as you can, to your own detriment if necessary. It's not fair to you, but it may help keep her reasonably civil when it comes to access to your kids (and don't kid yourself, in the Irish justice system she holds all the power here).

It sounds like she won't be that gutted tbh, maybe initially there'll be wounded pride (and we all know what they say about a woman scorned) but if your marriage is as miserable as it sounds, I think she'd probably be better off on her own too.

Is sex your only problem with her? I mean if you've suggested therapy, maybe you should sit down and talk to her and tell her something needs to change if you two want to work things out, etc
Just don't cheat on her while you're trying to work it out - give it one last go and if you two genuinely can't do it, then leave. Don't make it about finding someone else - you should leave because you two can't stay together, not because of someone new.

Ruu_Old

Give talking to her another go but if she wont listen to you, I'm not sure what else you can do.

ravenhead

I'd have to agree with some of the other posters here, If sex is the only issue then try talking to her again. Let her know exactly what you thinking & how she is making you feel.
I'm afraid if she still doesn't acknowledge that there's a problem then you're better of out of the marriage. You're children won't thank you for staying in a marriage that you were completely unhappy in

Strokesfan

Sleepy wrote:

The one piece of advice I'd give you is to try and make sure the divorce is quick and clean. No playing the kids off one another etc. As the man in the situation, I honestly believe you're best to just sign over the house and leave your wife as financially well off as you can, to your own detriment if necessary. It's not fair to you, but it may help keep her reasonably civil when it comes to access to your kids (and don't kid yourself, in the Irish justice system she holds all the power here).

I think that is terrific advice and would be the ultimate gesture to your wife and kids that you are not abandoning them by insisting on signing the family home over to them (and making sure they don't struggle with the mortgage if you have one).

Marksie

off the record wrote:

I've tried talking to her about this for years, I've suggested counselling, therapy, you name it, but she gets incredibly angry and just won't discuss it. I could handle the sexual issues if there was any eral affection on her part, but she's only affectionate when there's an audience, i.e. in front of friends.

The real problem is that I have decided to leave her - I recently someone who has shown me what intimacy and affection are like and I crave it so badly I'm prepared to lose my family for it. I feel so bad about the effect it will have on the kids, but I feel like I've tried everything and every part of me is screaming to escape.

I don't want another person to be the reason for leaving - i want to do so for the right reasons but is there any such thing? Am I completely wrong?

Confused...

No it is a difficult situation indeed.
Is the sexual issue the reasons for leaving or is the whole marriage loveless.?
Are you sure that the new partner is happy with this, i assume you have talked with her about it? Is she prepared for the upset and trauma?
You are likely to be losing a lot going through the courts but as boozybabe said try and keep it amicable> In the short tern it will be anguish, but you will have to decide, whether that, in the long term, this will be the best course of action for all involved, not just your personal happiness, partuclularly the children who are young(?)

Only you know how your wife is going to react to this and what the likely outcome will be.

Don't rush into this decision... you have said you have talked to your wife about the issues and she refuses to listen.
Try again, calmly to explain how you feel. But IMO there is no need to bring in the fact that you have met someone else.

You have to decide if you had not met this person, would you have left your wife?
If you would have then explain this.

Be VERY sure that this IS what you want and that the new person in your life is as committed as you are.

It is not an easy decision to make but making the right one, whichever it is, is important.

I wish you luck

metrovelvet

off the record wrote:

The real problem is that I have decided to leave her - I recently someone who has shown me what intimacy and affection are like and I crave it so badly I'm prepared to lose my family for it. I feel so bad about the effect it will have on the kids, but I feel like I've tried everything and every part of me is screaming to escape.

I don't want another person to be the reason for leaving - i want to do so for the right reasons but is there any such thing? Am I completely wrong?

Confused...

Well, aside from right and wrong, there are practical emotional upshots to consider.

The emotional fallout from leaving your children and also breaking the bond with their mother may tax you to the extent that there will be not much left to offer this new relationship that you seem to want to embark on. Im assuming you have not started an affair?

Im not sure that beginning a separation, sorting out the financial and legal procedures of a marital break up while starting something new would be fair to you or your potential new lover. Im sure that having a companion to "lean on" during this process will offer a temporary palliative or seem to, but it could make things a lot messier for everyone involved, including your children and unless you are spectacturaly skilled at compartmentalising there could be emotional spillover from one relationship into another and then you will be grieving not one, but two relationships.

Your marriage sounds painfully lonely. And that your wife doesnt want to even discuss things seems to suggest that her heart has closed a door to you and her body is reclaiming its own space.

If you decide to leave, take care to do it in the most dignified way possible. Make sure you have a place to go. Talk to your children and make sure they know you will always be in their lives and make sure that you are indeed always in their lives while showing nothing but the utmost respect to their mother.

Drummerboy2

You didn't mention what age your children are but the effects of a father leaving the home can have a lasting damaging affect on kids. You have mentioned the sexual aspect of your relationship as been flawed but otherwise are things ok? Do you argue continuously with your wife? I think the children should ALWAYS be put first in these situations. It sounds as your wife doesn't seem to understand your needs and probably doesn't realise how unhappy you are. Talk to her.

Jack B. Badd

Drummerboy2 wrote:

You didn't mention what age your children are but the effects of a father leaving the home can have a lasting damaging affect on kids.

Sometimes the effects of a father not leaving can have a lasting damaging affect on kids. From my experience, parents seperating can be tough but sometimes a hell of a lot better than the alternative if your parents are unhappy with each other. This is especially the case when the kids are a bit older as they can understand that the "happy families" vision of the world isn't necessarily realistic.

Miss Fluff

If your sex life was great again would you be more inclined to stay? Is this the main issue? Or do you love the other girl that you have met?

11.3 SECONDS

If it is only the bedroom department and it's associated emotional side that is the problem do you want to torpedo the marriage just for that ?

Look at your children and the entire history of your marriage, both good and bad, and ask if you really want to walk away. This is one grenade into which you cannot reinsert the pin once you pull it out and throw it.

Sounds like a communication problem. More precisely, it sounds like a " not prepared to communicate on certain matters " problem.

It sounds counterintuitive but it might be worth having a row with your wife to force her to discuss the issue and get things cleared up. Obviously, your other interest must remain secret but you could ask your wife if she wants you to leave or even ask her if there is somebody else !! You may end up with a black eye but it might be worth it in the long run.

What you want to avoid is leaving the marriage, discovering that the present "other interest" is really nothing more than a pleasantly satisfying fascination of no real depth that comes to a rapid end and ending up losing it all. You really need to avoid one of those "what the hell was I thinking of " situations when it all goes pear shaped.

Best of luck.

SingingCherry

Sleepy wrote:

It sounds like you've a pretty loveless marriage so you're better off out of it.

It sounds like she won't be that gutted tbh, maybe initially there'll be wounded pride (and we all know what they say about a woman scorned) but if your marriage is as miserable as it sounds, I think she'd probably be better off on her own too.

I don't see how her not liking sex means it's a loveless marriage or that she wouldn't be terribly upset and hurt by a split. Where does he say that?

OP, obviously you two have many communication issues, but I don't think you should be solving the problem with an affair. Are you having an affair or are you just considering it? If you aren't, then don't. Wait until your potential split is over with.

I pretty much agree with what most people here have said; is it just the sex issue? Are you willing to leave a marriage for only that reason? I know sex in very important in a relationship, but it sounds like it's the only thing for you. Are there other factors? I don't like giving my husband head either but he's not going to leave me for it.

I think you need to talk about this and I mean TALK. Get right down to it with her because you need to get to the bottom of this before you walk out. Tell her EXACTLY what you are thinking and why. The only thing I think you should keep to yourself is the affair, if you are having one. Everything else just needs to come out. Once she knows how big an issue this is for you, then maybe she'll start talking. Good luck.

Zillah

bluewolf wrote:

Don't make it about finding someone else - you should leave because you two can't stay together, not because of someone new.

Why the hell not? He's found someone who gives him "intimacy and affection". I can't think of a better reason to leave a loveless marraige.

Snowbie

It sounds like your mind is made up already.Yes you have tried to talk to her etc.
BUT if its just the sex thats the issue,try using a different approach with her,Experiment, make it more interesting for both of you,reignite the spark.
Make her feel more intimate,romance her,get away together,just the two of you.It will do you the world of good too.
If all else fails,try again,we are all only human at the end of the day,Stubborn.
I would hate to have seeing my Parents split or to have my children see there mam and dad away from each other.IMHO i dont think it works.Give her the attention,have fun with her.
Best of luck
PS dump the other bird.

LegacyUser

Drummerboy....I totally agreewith your comment about the effects a family split has on the kids.It is a decision that has to be very very carefully taken.

My parents split 23 years ago and divorced 4 years ago..but even today as a 29 year old married man Im still having to deal with the fall out.I now have 2 mothers so to speak both of whom have a deep dislike for one another. Even things like my wedding last year was a nightmare whatwith trying to keep everyone happy with seating arangements and what not...and what wasnt fare in my mind was that the consequences of my parents split carried on to effect my relationship with my wife. I learned over many years how to keep every member of my family happy...but it was all new to my girlfriend at the time...and this greatly confused her and upset her.


Anyway my point is...is that if there is anychance you can save your marrige through what ever means you really need to try.

Once kids are involved its a nightmare and thats from somebody with first hand experiance.

Zillah

Zillah wrote:

Why the hell not? He's found someone who gives him "intimacy and affection". I can't think of a better reason to leave a loveless marraige.

If it's loveless, then it's about the marriage and not the other person. See what I mean?

SingingCherry

bluewolf wrote:

If it's loveless, then it's about the marriage and not the other person. See what I mean?

That AND the OP never said it was a loveless marriage.

mad m

I'd say if the OP does leave his wife,it might be the kick up the arse she needs.But OP does sound like his mind is made up.You say you have no money worries etc. You will probably have if you leave your wife,will you be staying with new woman? Maybe you will have to rent? Money to wife every week for kids care.

I think you will have to both goto mediation to sort out this stuff.I assume your eldest is maybe 11? nearly into their teens.Can be hard for kids.What can I say but your not the first and certainly wont be the last in this situation.

Goodluck.

SingingCherry

SingingCherry wrote:

That AND the OP never said it was a loveless marriage.

Even more of a reason not to run off then...

Kuz_3040

You cant have been married for 12 years in a loveless marriage their must have been some points when u wer in love. If you really care about your wife try be spontaneous send the kids to a friends be romantic. If you dont care about her leave but be mindful of the kids because if they are under the age of 9 it will be difficult for them to handle the separation of their parents and makes it more to difficult to make them understand. At the end of the day you married her for a reason she married you for a reason its not like u wer bored one day and decided to get married. You obviously still love her otherwise u would never have posted the thread

LegacyUser

Thank for your advice everyone - just to clarify a few points and questions that were made - yes sex is the main problem but i did also mention the absence of real affection - that sort of adds up to loveless...

I'm not sure there ever was real love - it was a 'crisis pregnancy' that provoked the marriage proposal - i was young and stoopid enough to think everything would be ok...

Funny thing is i don't really love the other person I've met - and I have to break it off with her too if I'm going to act with any degree of honour here. She's shown me a glimpse of what could be- but I feel like i'm using her...

Even if my wife overcame her difficulties, showed real emotion or affection and tried to work on the sexual problems, I still wouldn't want to patch it up. The respect is gone, there's too much negativity and argument for me to ever see her as a partner again.

Thanks again for your opinions - it's helped me a lot.

Beruthiel

Hi
I'm divorced.
I also married waaay too young, totally changed within the 10 year marriage and eventually we broke up because of that reason. There was nothing there anymore.

First off, finish with this other person. You need to clear your mind.
There will be plenty of time for that later when all this is over.
Sit your wife down and say honestly what's on your mind, be calm and logical.

I still wouldn't want to patch it up. The respect is gone, there's too much negativity and argument for me to ever see her as a partner again.

If you are 100% absolutely sure about this then there really is no going back.
One think I will say now, is with regards to your children.
This is going to upset them, a lot. I can only hope that the two of you are adult enough and smart enough to understand that they are what the two of you must concentrate on when you break up. They must come first, you must both come to an agreement on them.
They must not be used in any way whatsoever to get back at each other. So may times I hear about this and it breaks my heart to see such pettiness in adults.
See your children regularly, give them 100% of your attention when you do. Help your wife out with regards to them and what they need.
If you are a happier more rounded person because of this break up, they will see that and it will help them. Children need to see you love them very much, even if you are not there. Buying them stuff will tell them nothing. Only giving them your undivided attention will.
Best of luck, this is not an easy time.

Gurgle

Beruthiel wrote:

First off, finish with this other person. You need to clear your mind.
There will be plenty of time for that later when all this is over.

^^ That this is the first and most important thing to do.

If you bail out to go off with your new love, you're sending the message to your wife that everything was fine until 'she' came along. Any woman can accept a man leaving due to failing relationship better than the idea that competition showed up and she lost. Your kids will take it that they're not your family any more, you're off to start a new one.

You'd also be setting yourself up for a fall. Most relationships do not last. If you leave for this other woman, when that ends you'll find yourself alone. You will almost definitely feel low enough to go crawling back to your wife with your tail between your legs to 'give it another go', not out of love but misery. Your wife may even take you back, but that will only lead to sharing that misery.

So you've decided to go, its now 100% your responsibility to make sure its as clean and decent as humanly possible.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

First off, finish with this other person. You need to clear your mind.
There will be plenty of time for that later when all this is over.
Sit your wife down and say honestly what's on your mind, be calm and logical.



If you are 100% absolutely sure about this then there really is no going back.
One think I will say now, is with regards to your children.
This is going to upset them, a lot. I can only hope that the two of you are adult enough and smart enough to understand that they are what the two of you must concentrate on when you break up. They must come first, you must both come to an agreement on them.
They must not be used in any way whatsoever to get back at each other. So may times I hear about this and it breaks my heart to see such pettiness in adults.
See your children regularly, give them 100% of your attention when you do. Help your wife out with regards to them and what they need.
If you are a happier more rounded person because of this break up, they will see that and it will help them. Children need to see you love them very much, even if you are not there. Buying them stuff will tell them nothing. Only giving them your undivided attention will.
Best of luck, this is not an easy time.

Thanks Beruthiel - well, I've done it already... I spoke with my wife and also to my 'girlfriend' for want of a better term...

it feels weird - no sleep since saturday evening and I feel more guilty about leaving my girlfriend than my wife. My wife was unsurprised but extremely vindictive - the usual threats about never seeing the kids again and making sure I would 'lose every penny I had' etc etc. The sting in the tail was when my girlfriend told me she loved me as I was leaving. Said she understood and would wait for me. The guilt I feel about the kids is almost equalled by the guilt I feel letting her down. You only realise what you've done when you actually do it and although I wouldn't go back or change my decision, the full consequence of a split hits you like a train as soon as you say the words. I had to write this down so I know what I'm thinking - thanks again for the advice.

Beruthiel

off the record wrote:

the usual threats about never seeing the kids again

I sincerely hope this is just a hurt, gut reaction from her and that when she calms down, she'll think twice about this.

the full consequence of a split hits you like a train as soon as you say the words..

It took me over a year to get back to myself and back on my feet.
Expect the next year at least to be completely crap, remember, stay calm and logical. Do not rise to fights and keep the play ground crap to a minimum.
The kids come first.
As for this 'girlfriend'
Please remember that when you haven't had someone care for you in a while, it seems great when a new person does.
Give yourself time to get over your marriage, get into another relationship too soon and it will turn into a 'rebound relationship'

Muggy Dev

Hi O.P.

If I may I'd like to offer some advice which may come across as a little harsh.I assure I mean nothing but the contrary.

You have met a new woman in your life and she has done you a great favour.You now know the problem isn't you.Now dump her! She is only a complication in this situation.

You say you are married 12 years so I'm guessing you're mid 30's to early 40's.I would suggest to you that your four children are the most important thing in your life.I think you know that.Moreover, to them their Daddy is and will always be their greatest rolemodel.This is the bigger picture.

Your opening remarks describes your disenchantment with your sex life with you wife and your attempts to persuade her to seek a third party solution.

That there is a problem is no doubt but maybe the problem is one of perspective....for example

For a man.......once he has sex,all is well.

For a woman...everything must be well before she has sex.

nowhere is this more true than in a modern marriage.

perhaps in trying to find the source of your wife's unhappiness you're looking in the wrong places.

Best Wishes

Amazotheamazing

You'e done the right thing, hopefully both you and your wife can find real happiness with new people.

Snowbie

Best of luck mate,hope everything works out fine for you in the future.