I'm having a difficult time

LegacyUser · 06-07-2006 9:54pm #1

I'm new to boards.ie so I don't know if this is the right place to post this. Let me know if it should go elsewhere.

Can it be possible that someone can go through a pre mid-life crisis of sorts? Hitting a low at a point in one's life when everything should be looking up and a potentially long and fruitful life stretches out ahead? This is a question I have been asking myself for some time as I feel I am going through such a crisis and I'm very much at a loss to know how I am going to pull myself out of it.

So many times recently I have told myself to "cop on" and just get on with life and feel grateful for the many good things that exist in my life but I almost always slip back into an introspective frame of mind and I will spend long periods of time questioning my worth and eventually coming to the conclusion that I have achieved very little in life.

Perhaps 'crisis' is too strong a word. I don't want to give the impression that I am depressed. I certainly don't believe I am depressed. I don't think you could say I exhibit any of the telltale symptoms that would indicate a serious problem. I just feel down a lot of the time. I wonder where my life is going, if anywhere.

I would also stress that self pity does not come into this. I do not blame anyone else for any problems I have in my life and take full responsibility for the way things are. Yes, I could be accused of over analysing facets of my life and this more often than not leads to indecision so maybe I do just need to slap myself about a bit and just get on with things.

Here are a few of the facts. I'm in my very early thirties. I work in the public sector in a job that pays well but this being the public sector there is no scope for advancement and if I am honest there are days where I will do literally nothing simply because I can get away with it. I arrive in most mornings with a To Do list ready and I'm eager to get things done but I guess subconsciously I know no one is going to say anything if the To Do is only glossed over and before I know it another day is wasted. It can be very frustrating and yes I do feel guilty about it. One could say I am rotting in the job. So why don't I leave? Like I said I am well paid and the chances of getting the same money in the private sector are slim. Actually, jobs in my profession are very thin on the ground right now so even if I did want to change I probably couldn't.

I'm sitting on a big chunk of savings in the bank and while the common advice would be to buy a house I just don't want to do it yet. I had plans to travel but these were put on hold when I met a girl so maybe I should look at that option again. Whether that would help things, I just don't know.

I recently broke up with this girl. We had been going out for about a year in total and on the whole it was very good. We were very close and best friends too. But I never felt totally comfortable and without going into too much detail I ended it some months ago. I do miss her and it feels like I have lost a friend as well as a lover. We keep in touch but it's not the same. I did hurt her by ending the relationship but at the time it felt like the only option. I didn't want to drag it out and hurt her even more. Maybe this is what is contributing most to my present state of mind but I know there is more to it than that. I've also let some good friends drift away from me. This is down to a lack of effort on my part I think. I do meet them all from time to time but I feel I am isolating myself. I've always been pretty independent and never had a problem doing my own thing if I had to but I don't want to lose touch with people I have known a long time so I think that will be the first thing to address. If you don't have friends you're in a sorry state.

I hope I don't come across as a self obsessed person who worries only about himself. There are many people I care for and would do anything for but I'm just in a 'rut' and if I'm honest I've been stuck in it for some time. I'm considering professional help but I'm not sure if I'm a serious enough case for that option.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. In a way it has actually helped to get it down on 'paper'. Comments and advice would be greatly appreciated. Maybe some people out there have had a similar experience.

LegacyUser · 06-07-2006 11:14pm

Well - In many ways I'm very similar to you. Not sitting on a big bunch of savings but I often let my plans and potential drift away as I let days/weeks/months slide by me being busy doing nothing.

I too have recently come out of a serious relationship where I decided to end things because I knew it wasn't going to work. Let me tell you - people think that just because you're the one who ended the relationship then you're perfectly fine about the whole thing. Several friends of mine were very flippant about the demise of my relationship (which had lasted years) because they presumed I was going to just spring right back out into the world of being single.

It's not as simple as that though - there are many things you're going to miss and while you have realised that things will not work you may mourn the time when you thought much more optimistically about your relationship - maybe even at one point you considered the possibility that she could be 'the one'. I know I did and I miss the joy that it brought when I considered a serious future with her.

As you stated - letting friends drift away is a mistake. I've tried my best for the past while to make good time for my friends (not easy when you're trying to build a career). But I think having a few good friends around you is a valuable thing these days. Having a mate that you can bounce everything off is great - everything from serious 'where is my life going?' questions to more inane 'what would your Mexican wrestler name be?' type of things.

My suggestions - try and get some sort of weekly or forthnightly evening going with some mates. Do something on a regular basis - poker, soccer, movies, anything yous all enjoy really.

Also - think about a holiday. Take as much time off work as you can and use some of your savings to head off somewhere - either travelling alone or with some friends. This may help clear your head a bit and put things in perspective. Believe me I wish I had the cash to take a holiday now.

You're right, you're probably not depressed. This is just a low caused by a number of things. Everyone has them and coming out of a relationship regulary causes them. It's natural and normal - just don't let it get on top of you and you'll come out fine.

athena 2000 · 07-07-2006 3:53am

Conlon wrote:

I hope I don't come across as a self obsessed person who worries only about himself. There are many people I care for and would do anything for but I'm just in a 'rut' and if I'm honest I've been stuck in it for some time. I'm considering professional help but I'm not sure if I'm a serious enough case for that option.

I think you should go in for a "tune up". In other words, go see a professional counselor for a few sessions with a focused goal in mind - that is, getting out of your rut. You seem like you're ready to "get ready" to change things you don't like about your life. Meanwhile, what about keeping a short daily list of things you're grateful about? And to stir things up a bit, go DO something for someone else that you care about. Go enjoy some of the people you like, and let them enjoy being around you as well. Don't spend all of your free time alone. Give some of yourself away.

jcoote · 07-07-2006 4:15am

an awful lot of people (me included) feel that they would put people out because they aren't struggling as much as others and their problems are 'not that bad'.

the thing is, if your mind is not 100% happy with how or where your life is goin right now then u have an issue that is better dealt with than left alone.

sounds to me like u need a little guidance and that maybe u have lost your way slightly.

counselling a great 1st step and would be pretty painless givin the evidence u have provided of your current sate of mind.

Black Swan · 07-07-2006 5:32am

You really need to get back with your friends. Don't let them drift away, allowing you to become more isolated. Friendship is so rewarding in life.

Static M.e. · 07-07-2006 9:25am

First off, I think its very good that you have a "To do list" every morning, its very easy in Public Sector life to sit back and let life pass you by, yet the fact that you have a list shows that you are motivated and plan ahead somewhat

I think you should consider advancing your skills, what about doing a masters or part time degree? Public Sector really supports this kind of thing, they love it infact. So you could not only gain more qualifications the time you spend doing nothing in the office can be put to good use by studying while your at work. Bonus for you. Also it will look good to management if you show commitment to advancing yourself further.

On the friends issue. Try and make more of an effort to stay in contact and take an interest in their lives, you dont even have to meet them all the time if you dont feel like it, but you must take an interest or they will slip away. Email them all individually in work and see how they are getting on? Meet them for lunch\Coffee, take 1 evening per week as "friends" night where you ring people for a chat and catch up.

I dont think you need Pro help, you just need something to do to get you out of this rut

GL

Sonderval · 07-07-2006 9:56am

Can it be possible that someone can go through a pre mid-life crisis of sorts?

Yes, and nearly everyone will suffer from this at some stage. Its not something thats wrong with you - your not sick, weird or some reincarnated Greek philosopher, your just taking stock of your life so far and, by the sound of it, finding its not living up to your expectations or where you see yourself now professionally/personally.

So many times recently I have told myself to "cop on" and just get on with life and feel grateful for the many good things that exist in my life but I almost always slip back into an introspective frame of mind and I will spend long periods of time questioning my worth and eventually coming to the conclusion that I have achieved very little in life.

Firstly, saying "cop on" to yourself is a defeatist attitude. You deserve the best you can make out of yourself - that is possibly the only true metric of personal worth. Never be satisfied with "average" or mediocre or "normal". Everyone has the ability to excel - we are just blindsided by our peers, society and our own insecurities. You should sit down and ask yourself just where this "cop on" statement is coming from - seriously, ponder it! I'd bet its a big part of whats making you feel down and cutting your motivation.

With regards achievements, you mentioned travel. Since it seems to me that your job is not very fulfilling (albeit well paid

), you should consider leaving and actually realising this ambition. If your coming in to work motivated to do some work, but end up just scratching your ass, well, the evidence is pretty obvious that the job doesn't hold your interest. Life is not indefinite.

I used to question my self-worth once, and was unhappy with where things were going with my life. I didn't like the person I was becoming and felt like crap. In hindsight, my subconscious was screaming at me, telling me that I need to get out of this rut and take what I deserve. So I took some big personal risks - some were pretty scary for me then. Shockingly, I didn't shrivel up and implode (our personal fears are our greatest opponents). Rather, I began to achieve things I didn't think I could do. Progress was slow, and the achievements weren't all that big initially. But the funny thing about achievements is that they start to snowball...now I can do things I once thought were lost to me, or that I didn't deserve. My aspirations have grown and I am very happy with the path my life is taking.

Sleepy · 07-07-2006 10:13am

Sounds like what a lot of us Irish are going through in our mid twenties to early thirties to be honest. Would you look at travelling? Maybe see if you can find a route that appeals to you personally rather than following the herd and going to Australia via Thailand?

Marksie · 07-07-2006 10:32am

I was in the same situation not too long ago. I too have a public sector job and the same things occurred.
I had a series of very bad personal shocks which made me reassess.

As had been previously posted things dont happen in leaps and bounds, but in small steps which gradually accumulate.
In my instance I availed of the worksharing in the public service and went to a 4 day week.
I have begun to develop what was a hobby into a craft business, and joined a local craft group.
I have also moved into yoga/meditation and attend workshops.
I find that niow, while being busier than ever I am much happier

Medina · 07-07-2006 11:48am

People will probably jump on me for saying this but here goes anyway...

I agree with everything everyone said before me..getting busy, being with friends, having a holiday, studying etc.
For most people this is enough to make them happy. And maybe this will be great for you because you seem to be linking 'worth' with 'achievement'.

For some other people, this makes them happy too, but they still find that they don't find a sense of value no matter the achievement..it passes briefly..and for these people, most find that sense of 'being', or 'belonging' or 'worth' in God.

I'm not going to advocate any particular religion to you, I would suggest that you did some research into either Christianity or Islam as a starting point, and see if any inspire you. Practising prayer and communication with God bring most believers a huge sense of peace and tranquillity which seems unobtainable elsewhere.

Goodluck and God bless.

Strokesfan · 07-07-2006 2:30pm

Sleepy wrote:

Sounds like what a lot of us Irish are going through in our mid twenties to early thirties to be honest. Would you look at travelling? Maybe see if you can find a route that appeals to you personally rather than following the herd and going to Australia via Thailand?

Excellent advice - even a month away could give you a whole new perspective. The situation you describe is just maybe realising the whole job is a bit stale and you sound like you would actually prefer to achieving a little more that area of your life - like someone with ambition that feels stiffled. As well as maybe taking a little break (or a long one if you qualify for a career break in the public sector). Would you look into starting a project on the side? freelance writing? computer work? or entering into a business venture with friends -food for thought since public sector jobs are highly desirable and you probably don't want to leave.
I totally understand about losing your best friend as well as your lover but the fallout shouldn't last forever and u have to concentrate on finding some going out buddies or something to fill your time. It's that awful depressing feeling that time is standing still - the busier you are - the more productive and rewarding it will seem.

AngryBadger · 07-07-2006 8:02pm

Sounds like you're stuck in a bit of a rut to me. Change is in order, or more accurately a challenge. Where you are now there's no new stresses on you, if you're sitting on a fine treasure of savings that indicates you don't have any serious fiscal worries, supported by you assertion of a good wage.

I dunno man, maybe it's a change of job you need, maybe you need to take some steps into the next stage of your personal development, maybe you DO crave a special someone and it just wasn't the girl you recently broke up with.

I'd suggest looking at ways to address al the things you listed in your OP. If you've drifted from friedns, then give them a call, arrange to meet up, even if it's only with one or two these things gather their own momentum. As regards the job, wel unless your position is ridiculously highly specialised you should try looking at other postions that are only tengentially relevant to your experience, you'd be surprised at what you might qualify for. And as for finding a aprtner, there's only one way to do that, try and try again.

best of luck Amigo

LegacyUser · 07-07-2006 11:55pm

All I can say to youmy friend is that there are two types of people in this world....the first typeare the ones who let life control them...the people who sit back and let circumstance dictate what happens in thier lives...then there are the people who take control of thier life...those who decide what they want from this one shot of life.

I used to feel like you.....stuck in a rut is the only phrase ican use to describe what it feels like,but then I made a decision to take control ofmy life and make it do what I wanted it to do.

In theory its a simple idea but in reality its alot harder and the " keep ploddin away" attitude is needed. But trust me....its wrth it in the end.

LegacyUser · 09-07-2006 11:22pm

Been away for a few days so only back on boards.ie tonight.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and reply to my OP. The advice and encouragement are greatly appreciated and you have given me a lot to think about.

That being said I am under no illusions that it is going to be easy to get my life in order. But I am willing to work at it. I have to make it work as I can't let things carry on as they have for the last number of years.

I agree totally with what you have to say Jcoote. I've been of the opinion that my problems are insignificant compared to those of other people who have experienced very traumatic experiences. I keep telling myself that I am very lucky to live in a stable, prosperous country. My health is spot on and I have a great relationship with my parents and siblings. Tell me where is the problem? But problems there are and as I've said they have been there for a long time.

I do think the ending of my relationship is a major reason for my 'slump'. She was my first proper girlfriend for a number of years. I think in a way I was always a little suspicious of love and commitment and felt that my freedom was of paramount importance. I now know differently. It is possible to have a relationship with someone and still lead a full and active life. Obvious to most people I guess but only recently apparent to me.

I do wonder at times if I did the right thing in ending it. I miss her greatly. We had so much in common. But at the time I had to do it as I simply was not happy. I wouldn't say I felt trapped (she never put pressure on me to take it to the 'next level' or anything like that) but I just couldn't help feeling that we would ever go to that next level. I felt it simply wasn't meant to be.

I know many people end relationships and later regret it feeling that with a little more effort and communication (we did have a problem expressing our feelings) it could have worked out and yes I too feel this way now. We're still in touch but I get the feeling she is putting some distance between us now. That's understandable. She's getting on with her life and I would never try to interfere in any way. It still doesn't mean I have to like it. She's been an important part of my life for well over a year now. It's hard to let go of that.

Thanks for your comments BeenThereToo. I did wonder if it was normal to feel so bad after finishing a relationship with someone you care about.

As Athena 2000 has suggested I think I will speak to a counsellor. A few sessions can only be a help and will act as a starting base of sorts to getting some things sorted out in my life. Can someone tell me how I should go about finding a good one?

Thanks again everyone.