Has anyone tried this and suceeded?

Dippy

Hey guys,

Just looking for some thoughts on this matter. Basically, me and the bf broke up about 3 months ago. We needed time apart for a while, things were getting a bit too much for us both. (We're 21 and 22) We didn't contact each other for a good month and a half in the beginning, but recently we've been talking/texting/emailing a lot.

We live quite far apart and met up the other day to talk things through properly for the first time. He told me that he realised how much he loved me and asked me to try again. I said no (even though it broke my heart to do so and it's what I really want deep down), because I've been with other people (not sexually btw) since we broke it off, while he hasn't. It's something he has to do, and I'm encouraging him to do so even though it kills me. I don't want him to hold it against me in the future if we did get back together.

So he then suggested something a friend had mentioned to him - see each other every few weeks, be a couple, while doing our own thing while we're apart. It seemed like the lesser of two evils at the time, so we both agreed on it and had a lovely evening together.

24 hours later he changes his mind, then another 24 hours later he goes - lets give it a go, but within an hour he's changed his mind again. He's totally confused me, I don't know what the hell he wants from me.

I know he's confused, I really do understand where he's coming from. He said he's scared of getting hurt, or hurting me in the process. It's a scary prospect letting him meet and kiss other girls after 4 years together, but I wanna give it a try. I've realised how much I love him too. Everything felt really good when we were together the other day, even when we knew we'd have to do this.

Has anyone else ever done this? Has it all ended in tears? He's out of the country for a few weeks and we're both sorting out our heads while he's away. So if anyone has any advice or whatever to offer, I'd be REALLY grateful!

Miss Fluff

Dippy wrote:

So he then suggested something a friend had mentioned to him - see each other every few weeks, be a couple, while doing our own thing while we're apart. It seemed like the lesser of two evils at the time, so we both agreed on it and had a lovely evening together. So if anyone has any advice or whatever to offer, I'd be REALLY grateful!

So essentially having his cake and eating it you mean?

Dippy

Well both of us would be I suppose. Nothing wrong with that if someones not being made a fool of!

fuzzywiggle

Well just want to say fair play to you for encouraging him to be with other girls! I know I wouldn't do it! Hope it all works out well for you

AnitaMcCluskey

I don't think an good can come of this. As you said, it kills you to think of him kissing other girls. In the end you will resent him and he will resent you. Tell him that you want to be together without anyone else, if you going to make a go of things, you should do it the right way.

Bounty Hunter

as far as i can tell he is trying to do what has been suggested to both of you (he may or may not be enjoying the "open" kinda relationship it entails) however when he is with you you he keeps questioning whether you should be doing it at all because most likely he has strong feelings for you and and only temp being BF and GF could be doing his head in or because if you think not being fully together is a good idea then why be together at all.

tho obviously that just my interpretation of what ive read

Ickle Magoo

Dippy wrote:

24 hours later he changes his mind, then another 24 hours later he goes - lets give it a go, but within an hour he's changed his mind again.

I always think if people really want to be with other people then they will be....when they start doubting if they do want to be with that person it spells doom....if you think you can handle an open relationship then sounds ideal....if not I think you are better apart...best of luck

Dippy

Agh, my head is melted. He's away for the next two weeks so we can't do anything til he gets back. I suppose it's kinda a good thing, cause we can't contact each other at all. It'll give us both a chance to really properly decide what we want.

I'll do anything it takes to have him in my life, cos, to be honest, since we had that talk, I've realised I love him more now than I did before. But I know he has to be with other girls cos that's something he should experience, he can't just go through life and only be with me. I've gone out and done it, he needs a few meaningless snogs like I've had.

LegacyUser

I have to agree with Miss Fluff. There is something really silly about doing this if U both love each other.

theTinker

you sound completely flustered.I hate them times, very difficult, ill add u in my next prayer if u want. im not needing anything myself

I think letting him do that stuff is a bad idea, the guy obviously wants u, when u GET him to agree to be with another he panics. i think ur discarding sumthing most people look for, i dont really get the "too much for the both of u" part, never gotten it to be honest even when it was said to me. If ur all scared of deep feeligs etc i think thats very normal but stupid to throw away. Falling so far in love with each other is suppose to be the best thing in the world(the scary part too). If ur S*itting urself about it then talk about it, im sure it would be a light hearted funny conversation and end up with cuddles

If the guy wanted to be with others he would be no? and same for u no? if u 'pollute' the relationship u could wreck it, if u 2 end up not being happy together u will break up then, no need to purposefully add kicks to it. can u imagine how u will feel knowing when he is out with sum1 and sleeping it them, u will be gut wrenched and if u feel bad now , imagine how much worst it will be.
if the relationship(without the seeing other people part) turns out to be sumthing either of u don't want then that person will bail correct?
so no worries about "experiencing others".


ps: ive personally been with my "one and only" and sleeping around was not sumthing i envied, its over rated. (not the sex) . all the **** guys u have met, wouldnt u been happier having this guy as ur first and only?
well its MY opinion.

king_of_inismac

I used to think like this myself once, and I suppose everyone does whose in a "serious" relationship at a young age.

But what I've come to accept is that by being with someone who you care about, and who cares about you, you aren't missing out on anything!

On the contrary, if you've found someone you click with, are in love with, and want to spend time with, consider yourself very lucky

Maybe both of you have though about being with random people, and like the excitement and novelty of the idea. But you've got to ask yourself what's the point of it? Are you trying to find someone special, because it appears to me you've found that already.

Don't play games with your relationship, enjoy it for what it is...

Galvia

Dippy wrote:

I know he's confused, I really do understand where he's coming from. He said he's scared of getting hurt, or hurting me in the process. It's a scary prospect letting him meet and kiss other girls after 4 years together, but I wanna give it a try. I've realised how much I love him too. Everything felt really good when we were together the other day, even when we knew we'd have to do this.

Me thinks you're playing with fire! If you two love each other, then what in the world are you doing with this see other people bit? Get back together and stop playing games.

Vegeta

I am going out with my gf for 7 years and I'm only 23. About 3 years ago I went through the very same thing. Thought it'd be great to sleep with other girls. I never went through with it though.

It would have been the biggest mistake of my life so far.

I am amazed you can come on here and say you love your boyfriend but yet kiss other men. Your boyfriend cant even stomach the idea of kissing other girls or you kissing other guys.

Your boyfriend said he wanted to be with you and you said "no". So now he is willing to do anything you suggest just to get some bit of a relationship i.e. meeting up every week or so

Either break up with the guy and let it be or if you really love him (something you need to look at if you can kiss other guys) then get back with him.

Sounds like you're wrecking his head to be honest. Sort your lives out

/V\etalfish

Dippy wrote:

But I know he has to be with other girls cos that's something he should experience, he can't just go through life and only be with me.

Not nessesarily true tbh
I came out of a 4 year relationship recently and instantly was with another girl who i knew from years back and always 'clicked' with

But she wanted me to 'play the field' too because i was just out of a 4 year thing and she wanted me to be sure that it was her and only her that i wanted.
Just to get it out of the system kind of a way.
But the thing is i never wanted to be with others ..i knew how i felt and that my current girlfriend is the one for me.
But at the time i felt pressured to see other girls and tbh it wasnt helping at all.
I never did see any other girls but once you get back together properly, if its what you both want then give it a couple of months and you'll see that it was never needed for you both to see other people.

If you both want to be with each other exclusively ..then why not ?
Seeing other people will make it worse, its more of a fear that he will stray away because he hasnt experienced other women but trust me if he doesnt need/want to ..then dont pressure him.
Sit him down and discuss where you both want the relationship to go.
If your seeing eye-to-eye then things couldnt be better, just get back together properly and it will work out fine.

Hope all goes well for you as i know how tough it can be being in that kind of situation

LegacyUser

Sorry for taking over the thread but this is something which is quite similar to my situation and could do with some advice,

I'm a 26 yr old male who has been in exclusive relationships since I was 16,

10 long years,

I'm in my current relationship the last 5 years, have a house but no kids and I'm now at the stage where I feel I need freedom!

Don't get me wrong, I love my girlfriend very very much and the thoughts of not being with her make me feel sick to the stomach but another half of me longs for freedom,

I've never had the chance to play the field, never really been one of the lads, lost a good few friends because I stupidly put my partners before them,

The way I see it is that you only get one chance to enjoy your youth and I'm so afraid I'll regret not being young free and careless in 10-15 years time,

It has been getting me down for quite a while now because it's affecting me but is also unfair on my partner, I don't want to live a lie and to be honest I don't know what to do!

Dippy

Vegeta wrote:

(something you need to look at if you can kiss other guys)

I only kissed other guys cause we went through a really bad period where it looked like we weren't going to be getting back together ever. I still loved him then, but I had to try and get on with things for my own sake. They were only meaningless drunken fumbles anyway. I've forgotten about them already to be honest.

Thanks for all the kind words guys. You're right, we do have something good. I just have to wait til he gets back from his trip away now and sit down with him and have a good long talk about things, see where we can go from here.

Thanks again guys! xXx

/V\etalfish

Dippy wrote:

I only kissed other guys cause we went through a really bad period where it looked like we weren't going to be getting back together ever. I still loved him then,

yea, when you know things are over its kind of a feeling that you need to be with somebody else to see if your making the right decision.

But in your case it sounds like you were thinking of your partner during these fumbles anyway hehe
best of luck with it and hope all goes well !

blorg

He told me that he realised how much he loved me and asked me to try again. I said no (even though it broke my heart to do so and it's what I really want deep down), because I've been with other people (not sexually btw) since we broke it off, while he hasn't. It's something he has to do, and I'm encouraging him to do so even though it kills me. I don't want him to hold it against me in the future if we did get back together.

Insane. Absolutely insane. If you both love each other then get back together and forget about the other people! He's only "confused" because of the insane way you are treating him - he wants you back, and is willing to get you back on whatever terms possible (e.g. the meet every few weeks thing) but on the other hand he doesn't want to drag out the pain forever if it isn't happening. Best of luck with it BTW, I'm going through something similar myself at the moment.

AngryBadger

I'd just throw out tha maybe you shouldn't be making decisions for him about his life? Fair enough if you think he needs to date other people, and fair dews, but if you're saying "no" to him because you feel you need to protect him from himself or something, that's not gonna work long term, it kinda sounds like you're waiting for him to get to a palce where he's the person you're looking for.

As to the open-relationship thing. I'd say it's a bad idea in your case. It doesn't sound like you really want a serious relationship with this guy, however you might explain it in your own head, if you wanted t continue seeing him then you'd find a way to make it work.

Whatever practical obstacles may exist, his maturity, the distance, whateverm they're not relevant unless you need an excuse to avoid a relationship.

I reckon this "open" suggestion will be disastrous down the line for both of you.

LegacyUser

Firstly I wonder if the image you are portraying of your boyfriend and of your relationship is accurate. Why did you break up? I mean if everything was good then surely even the need for freedom wouldn't break you up? I have a bf now for four years next September the 20th, since I was sixteen, and realistically we both are under pressure from friends and family to play the field, but I know that there's no point when I would give them all up for him. If your relationship was as strong as you make out, then you wouldn't have let him slip away, nor would he have wanted to,in the first place.
Everyone is talking about how you're messing your bf about but to me it sounds like he's messing you about. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who can't make up their mind whether he wants to be with you or not? I mean, if he's changed his mind so often in a week, how can you trust him not to change it again five years and two kids down the line? You're young, you will still find that special someone, but I really believe that, so far, you haven't.

Dippy

We broke up cos we were living in the same house, shared a room, lived with his family. It all got to both of us and caused us to row an awful lot. We needed to have a breather for a while and sort ourselves out. I remember thinking I wanted out cos I was so miserable from not having my own space or any time alone. When I was in the kitchen cooking his family would be around and although I liked them, and I really appreciated the fact they let me stay there with them, I just needed to get away.

It was a difficult situation for a young couple to be in. It really really stressed us out. But now its fixed, I moved out and found a place to stay in the city. I wanna try and see where we go. Who knows, we might end up hating each other in 6 months, but I think we deserve another chance without the stresses we were under before.. We're good together.. Things got in the way.
Does any of this make sense to anyone?

edanto

Dippy, you're wrecking his head... telling him one thing and wanting another deep down. And you think his messages are confusing.... well maybe he's doing the same thing. For all you know, he might well know what you want, intuitively and be confused because you're saying something else.

You need to be clear about what you want and ask him for the same. You've figured out that the reason you had problems before is because you were pressure cooking the relationship; that's solvable and breaking up is a big step for such a small problem.

Forcing each other to be in an uncomfortable situation, such as you are, is a b a d move and will probably cause more problems if you don't remedy it as soon as he is back.

You need to be as honest with him as you have been with us, total strangers as we are. He'll probably be glad of that and reciprocate. It's the least you both deserve. Best of luck.

craichoe

Ahh this is an easy one,

Be apart for 2 weeks and do your own stuff ... changing his mind.

He likes the idea, but doesn't like it for him as in he does it, but then its not his choice anymore to see you when he wants.

LegacyUser

Go your seperate ways. The damage has been done.