The Surprise and the Secret

Odaise Gaelach

takola wrote:

You should definitely post your stories here. It's a pleasure reading them!!!

Thank you very much to everyone that read (and enjoyed) The Healer's Rain. I'm really glad that you all enjoyed it. I hope that I won't disappoint you with this offering.

I originally wrote this story for the RTÉ Short Story Competition. So it weighs in at just under 2000 words.

And unfortunately it got nowhere in the competition. Hopefully you'll enjoy it more than the judges did.

If you want to leave any comments or criticism behind, I'd appreciate it.

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The Surprise and the Secret

She didn’t mean to fall in love. She didn’t want to fall in love, and she certainly didn’t want him to fall in love with her. But only a month after they first met each other they had well and truly fallen in love.
Carina and Stephen were both in their late twenties. He was a tall, strong, sensitive man. He had black hair that was always cut short and neat. His eyes were dark and his voice was deep and moving. He was a handsome, healthy person.
Carina, however, was small and very thin. She said that she suffered from an acute iron deficiency, and it showed. Her complexion was always pale and clammy-looking with dark, tired lines under her bright viridian eyes. Her brown hair was long and shiny but she kept it tired in a ponytail and on top of that she wore a black woolly hat. When she spoke her voice was quiet, almost whispering.
Though she looked it she wasn’t frail at all. She possessed a very sharp mind and was a fairly strong woman, except she tired out quickly.
Both Carina and Stephen were two solitary souls until they met each other on the bus to Galway. In those three hours they had forged a close bond between them, a bond that soon blossomed into love.
Carina tried to resist her feelings, she really tried. But inevitably she succumbed to her emotions. She was only human after all; a very lonely woman in a very big world.
But she always knew that she wasn’t meant to find love. She would never get married or have children of experience any of the joys that most people do in life. Her relationships were all doomed to failure, and Stephen was no exception.
You see, Carina had a secret.
When she was twenty-two she was cursed with the secret and it haunted her ever since. It destroyed her relationships, it crushed everything that she had dreamed of. For a while it was so bad that she wanted to kill herself. Eventually though she learned to live with it, as awful as it was.
As Carina and Stephen fell deeper into love she realised that soon she would have to tell him it. She couldn’t – she wouldn’t – lie to him, she loved him too much. It would probably tear them apart, but she promised to tell him the secret.

It was a fabulous summer’s day in Galway. Carina was sitting alone on a bench in Eyre Square. It was hot but she still sported her woolly hat and ponytail. Her face was cheerful but her heart was heavy.
Today was the day.
Stephen was meant to pick her up here. They both decided to spend the day on Ínis Mór. Carina had been there often before, but staring out over the water and at the blue sea and sky stretching out was always a stunning sight to behold.
As her watch ticked past the hour she spotted a small white car drive around the square and when it stopped just beside her she strolled over to it and climbed into the passenger side.
“Hi there,” Stephen greeted her.
“Hey,” she replied and they kissed briefly.
“All set?”
“Yep,” Carina tugged her seatbelt around her and clicked it into place. “Okay, let’s go!”

Odaise Gaelach

To get to Ínis Mór there is a distance of about half-an-hour’s drive west of the city to a marina. It’s there that you can board a boat and sail to the island.
As they travelled and chatted to each other, Stephen could see that there was something bothering Carina. She was distracted, constantly staring out the window and not listening to what they were talking about. Actually this was not unusual behaviour for Carina but it annoyed Stephen nonetheless. Often she became distant like this, even to the point that she was cold and unfriendly. Hey had been going out for a year now and Stephen could never get close to her either emotionally or physically. She would never tell him what was on her mind; she would simple shrug and say that it’s nothing. When they were alone together she wouldn’t let him cuddle her tightly or touch her or even run his hands through her hair. Stephen loved her all the same but it made him confused (and a little angry), especially when she wouldn’t give him a good reason for it.
What was worse was that he had a feeling that Carina was hiding something from him. There was something bottled up inside of her that made her so tense. He didn’t know what it could be and it worried him.
Today, however, he hoped to really cheer her up. Stephen had a surprise for Carina.

As the boat sailed to Ínis Mór Carina grew less anxious and more excited. Stephen and her were now chatting rapidly to each other in earnest. Between them they carried a cooler box full of chocolate and crisps, sweets and fizzy drinks – all kinds of junk food. It was a clear, carefree day and Carina was positively enjoying it. She was bubbling with life.
Stephen decided to keep the surprise hidden from her. He would give it to her later.
At last the boat docked at Ínis Mór. As they sat and waited to disembark Stephen’s hand slid over the box’s handle and he held onto Carina’s hand. She smiled warmly back at him but her face was tired, almost exhausted.
Stephen resolved, as soon as possible, to find out what was bothering her. Whatever it was she was very distressed about it. He cared about her and it hurt him to see her like this.
Beneath all her smiles Carina was scared. She could feel the secret’s burden heavy on her shoulders. It wasn’t long now.

As soon as they stepped onto the island they took the cooler box and brought it up a small hill overlooking the bay. The view was one of breathless awe: the sea was a velvet blue, the sky was bright and cloudless, the sun beamed down on the island and the salty sea air was stirring and enticing. It was an absolutely wonderful day.
So Carina and Stephen sat down onto the grass and they shared their picnic, talking and joking and laughing with each other. Nothing disturbed them as they spent every glorious moment with each other.
Slowly the hours passed by. Day turned to dusk and soon it would be time to go. The sun hung low over the horizon, the sky still blue in the evening air.
Carina felt tired and she rested her head softly on Stephen’s shoulder. He put an arm around her and hugged her to his side.
It had been four years since Carina was last in a relationship. She had resisted the temptations of love for so long that she had forgotten just how overwhelming it could be, and just how good it felt to be close to someone so dear in her heart.
But her secret still haunted her. She had promised, again and again, to tell Stephen today. And she wanted to keep her promise.
And yet...
Today had been such a special day that she couldn’t bring herself to ruin it for both of them. She hadn’t felt this happy in a very long time. Not since...
She thought about it and shuddered.
“You okay?” Stephen looked at her.
“Yeah, just a bit chilly.”
Stephen nodded. I had been getting cold for a while now.
“It’s getting late, we should pack up and head back,” she said.
“Yeah, you’re right,” Stephen replied and he took the surprise out of his pocket – a small, narrow, smooth black box.
“Hope you like it,” he said slightly awkwardly.
Carina took it and slowly opened it. Inside there was a beautiful silver necklace that glittered up at her, even in the fading light. Its links were tiny and intricate and it felt so flowing that it was almost like liquid in her hands. She held it up to her neck. It was just perfect.
Carina was stunned for a moment. Then there came a burst of delight and joy. She couldn’t remember when someone had given her something as amazing as this, especially a man.
And then she began to cry.
Stephen was horrified.
“Hey, hey, what’s wrong? I thought you’d like it. I can still bring it back and change it for you-“
“No, no!” Carina sobbed. “The necklace isn’t the problem, it’s me!”
“No Carina, you’re not a problem! I love you! I care about you!”
“You don’t understand...”
“Yes I do-“
“No, just shut up and listen!”
The words echoed sharply in the air, sweeping over the land... and there was silence.
“Listen,” Carina hiccupped slightly. “When I was 22, I... I found a lump on my breast. I went to the hospital and they confirmed that it was cancerous. They said that it…” she struggled to tell the story now, “…it was pretty bad and needed intensive chemotherapy. So they…”
She couldn’t bring herself to say it. She lifted her hat off her head and pulled her ponytail away. The entire mass of hair fell off her head easily and she held it out at Stephen.
It was a wig. Carina was bald.
Stephen felt a twinge of disgust but it disappeared instantly. He could see that her hair was beginning to grow back anyway. He didn’t matter that she was bald.
“Carina, I don’t-“
She waved a hand at him and her stopped.
“There’s worse,” she whispered. Tears were streaming from her eyes.
“They said that, for me to survive, they would have to operate and remove the tumour. Bt it had spread too far. They had no choice but to remove it completely.”
“Remove what?” Stephen asked, though he had a terrible feeling that he already knew what.
Carina slowly reached down into the neck of her shirt, groping at her right breast until she pulled it up and completely out of her shirt.
Her hand held a small stuffed ball. Where there should have been a bulge on her chest there was nothing.
“I lost my breast Stephen.”
Stephen stared in horror at her. The woman that he had loved so much had suddenly changed into a bald, deformed creature. He felt repulsed to be with her. She never wanted him close to her because she was afraid of what would happen if he found out. Now he didn’t want to be near her at all.
“Okay...” was all he could say. “Okay... I’ll just pack this up then.”
“Yeah, you should.” Carina knew that it was for the best.
“I’m sorry I can’t love-“
“It’s okay Stephen. It never would have worked out anyway.”
They didn’t say a word to each other as Stephen packed his cooler box. When he had finished he said:
“You can still keep the necklace you know.”
“No, you have it.”
“No, really, it-“
“I can’t,” she explained. “If I wear it it’ll attract people to...”
There was another awkward silence.
“...Okay.”
And he took the necklace back from her. “Well, then, I guess this is goodbye.”
“Goodbye Stephen,” Carina said, and she said it without and bitterness or hatred in her voice, but only a resigned fatigue that told Stephen that she had been through all this before.
He wanted to go over to her, to say sorry, to hold and to love her. But he couldn’t.
So he picked up his cooler box and nodded to her before walking down the hill, leaving her alone.

For a while Carina just stood there until she saw that there was nothing more to do put her wig and hat back on, and push her ball back down her shirt. And then she decided to sit down on the grass and watch the sun setting across the bay.

Matt Holck

I liked the discription of Carina
The detail made her seem very real
Stephen however is to perfect
I'm not beliving him as a character

My grandma had gher breast removed and she never remarried.
Personly, I'm a little disappointed in Stephen
breasts aren't that important.

Lust4Life

Odaise Gaelach, good story!
I understand it was for a contest and had to be short, but I'd like to see a longer version. Maybe elaborate a bit more without giving it away.
Sometimes it can be difficult to set the right mood while being economical with words. It may be even better if it were longer.

Keep writing!!!

L4L

Demetrius

Good story. Was Stephen disgusted because she had kept that secret from him, or was it because she was "deformed"?

The Bollox

very good short story

just to let you know about a typo:
it's on the 8th line
"Her brown hair was long and shiny but she kept it tired in a ponytail"

Odaise Gaelach

Thanks guys for taking time out to read the story, and I'm glad that you enjoyed reading it. I really appreciate your comments and ideas and criticisms. Thank you very much.

Matt Holck wrote:

I liked the discription of Carina
The detail made her seem very real
Stephen however is to perfect
I'm not beliving him as a character

Just one question: do you mean personality, or physically, or both?

Lust4Life wrote:

I understand it was for a contest and had to be short, but I'd like to see a longer version. Maybe elaborate a bit more without giving it away.
Sometimes it can be difficult to set the right mood while being economical with words. It may be even better if it were longer.

I didn't really think about doing that... I could. I've still got all the old drafts from when I wrote it. I could even give Stephen a better description than I did. Not a bad idea at all L4L. I'll think about that.

Demetrius wrote:

Good story. Was Stephen disgusted because she had kept that secret from him, or was it because she was "deformed"?

Ah, nice question! Well...

It was a wig. Carina was bald.
Stephen felt a twinge of disgust but it disappeared instantly. He could see that her hair was beginning to grow back anyway. It didn’t matter that she was bald.

He wanted to go over to her, to say sorry, to hold and to love her. But he couldn’t.

I think that it was because she was deformed.

Marts wrote:

just to let you know about a typo:
it's on the 8th line
"Her brown hair was long and shiny but she kept it tired in a ponytail"

Thanks Marts for pointing that out. Unfortunately I can't seem to edit the post anymore, so that typo (along with another one) seems to be here to stay.

Matt Holck

Odaise Gaelach wrote:

Just one question: do you mean personality, or physically, or both?

I was thinking physically but that should convey some personality.

Odaise Gaelach

Matt Holck wrote:

I was thinking physically but that should convey some personality.

I see... when I was first writing it, I had a much clearer image of Carina in my mind than Stephen.

If I get time to extend it (like L4L suggested) then I'll put in more detail about him, and make him more believeable.