Out of the blue...........

LegacyUser

Okay, need to give a little background on this. Basically I've just been going out with my girlfriend for over a year. I'm 28 and she's 31. We met in work (in Dublin) but she's from Clare. Just before we start going out she had an interview for a job that would bring allow her to move home. Cut a long story short she ended up getting the job and moving back to Clare two months into our relationship.

We have been commuting ever since and would take turns to travel (every other weekend). I did make an effort to relocate during this time, I even quit my job (which was a very good one) as I had another one lined up. Unfortunately the other job fell through at the last minute and I ended up staying in Dublin. I'm working on a contract basis but didn't want to start looking for another job in the west of Ireland (yet) as I would have felt guility about leaving the company in Dublin so soon after starting.

Anyway, our year anniversary just past and everything was fine. She got me a card telling me how much she loved me and how great the last year has been. I went down to Clare on friday night and it was just a typical night in. On the saturday morning, out of absolutely nowhere (as far as I am concerned) she told me that she wanted to take a break. I was gobsmacked and still just can't understand it. She says she wants a "normal life" and the commuting is getting to her (she is a rep so travels all during the week as well). Every relationship that she has had has been long-distance, I think it is finally getting to her.

She says that she is so confused and needs to sort her head out. I don't know what to think. I couldn't see myself being with anybody else as I absolutely love this girl to bits. She is everything that I am not. Anybody ever experience anything similar?

Sheltie

This girl wasn't saying that she didn't want you, or didn't want to have a relationship with you. Well this is what I can gather, anyway. It sounds as though she really is telling the truth and that she's feeling stressed and under pressure in different areas of her life.

While you have only been going out for a year, if you say she is the one for you, it sounds as though you may need to take that extra leap and put the relationship on a more stable footing. That means both of you making some major life adjustments and a firm commitment to each other, but you're going to have to tackle it head on if you want this relationship to continue.

LegacyUser

If a girl ever turned around to me and told me she needed a break, I would get out of her life and start to forget about her to be honest.

Strokesfan

the best thing you can do is give her the break - radio silence. Don't act desparate, maybe in a couple of weeks text (not at like 3am drunk) and say how's things? In the meantime, take it for what it is a break and go out and have a laugh but don't be with anyone. Make sure you do interesting things during your break and not mop around missing her. I'm a girl and I've had a few 'breaks' and you panic when the person sounds like they're happily getting on with their life but is still nice to you (I go "Oh my god, am I making a mistake"). Best advice is give her the break and it's a proper break!!! Then in let's say at least 7 days or two weeks (no sooner than 7 days) send her a cool text during the evening early enough saying hi, how's things, been busy with that work thing etc... Under no circumstances act all needy texting I love you, don't want a break, marry me etc etc... don't be her emotional crutch either like saying you want to be friends and ringing every day and comforting her through the break. Let her have the break and make sure she feels a bit lonely without your contact! When she asks you what you been up to just be like "not much, went to a gig in town blah blah". If you follow my advice I think she'l come back to you realising she was just PMT or something unless she's already got some other young fella in her sights no offence

LegacyUser

We have been texting but only really banal stuff (I'm getting a shed, blah....)and not more than one or two a day. I'm going to stop doing that though and leave it rest for a while. I think that at our ages it is ridiculous to be going through this kind of thing. I do know that she is confused etc. with what she wants in terms of stability.

After the radio silence my friend advised me to lay my cards on the table in terms of what I will and what I won't do. I suppose if nothing comes of that then it's time to move on (as much as I hate to admit it).

Magic Pips

ok if i was put "on a break" by a girl... i'd go out and enjoy it. SHE has initiated it, before i was with someone else i'd say to her i love you and want ot be with you, regardless of distance. If there is no change/reaction to that go a score someone else.

Good luck with your situation, i went out with a girl from Austria for over a year... now THAT is long distance!

milod

Shocked wrote:

she told me that she wanted to take a break. I was gobsmacked and still just can't understand it. She says she wants a "normal life" and the commuting is getting to her (she is a rep so travels all during the week as well).

The whole 'taking a break' idea is frankly idiotic. Tell me somebody you know who has taken a break and gotten back together to pursue a successful relationship! it's bullsh1t!

As for a normal life - what is that? many people commute, she travels with her job during the week so now she wants you to come 'home' to clare and mind the house while she's not there during the week?!

You need to re-evaluate the situation, don't be quite so understanding of her 'needs' and start attaching some value to your own needs and how both of you can compromise.

My own relationship survived the intital 18 months spanning London and Dublin until I could find a suitable job in Dublin. My g/f however understood, that I was intending to move to HER chosen location and not vice versa - therefore she cut me some slack!!

Sounds like your girl is being a little selfish, and sounds like not everthing is beign openly stated and discussed. My advice is to call her bluff or you'll spend the rest of your life resenting the fact that she used subtle bullying tactics to make you move back to Clare.

Vyse

Magic Pips wrote:

ok if i was put "on a break" by a girl... i'd go out and enjoy it. SHE has initiated it, before i was with someone else i'd say to her i love you and want ot be with you, regardless of distance.

I'm not only willing to work on the long distance thing I'm willing to pack my bags and move down altogether, job or not. Not an easy thing to do when you have a mortgage to pay in Dublin. I'm going to let her know all this and, as you say, if there is no change it is game over. To be honest I can't even begin to realise what is going through her head so I will give her the break she needs.

Vyse

milod wrote:

Sounds like your girl is being a little selfish, and sounds like not everthing is beign openly stated and discussed. My advice is to call her bluff or you'll spend the rest of your life resenting the fact that she used subtle bullying tactics to make you move back to Clare.

She has admitted as much i.e. being selfish. I think that is the main point. She doesn't want to move from Clare but at the same time she doesn't think I should have to move down. In saying that I am only guessing.

keithclancy

Why don't the two of you move to someplace other than Clare and Dublin .... What about Cork.

That why neither of your are moving for the other

And cork is pretty good for jobs .. despite what other langers on here say :P

Vyse

keithclancy wrote:

Why don't the two of you move to someplace other than Clare and Dublin .... What about Cork.

That why neither of your are moving for the other

And cork is pretty good for jobs .. despite what other langers on here say :P

Believe it or not that was the plan. I lived in Cork for 3 years after graduating and I loved it (despite the slagging I got for being from Dublin). She, however, has changed her mind on moving down there. She says her family is too important to her.

BoozyBabe

Vyse wrote:

She says her family is too important to her.

Well, what about you??

It seems like there's no winning with this woman, it's her way or the highway.

I know I don't know her & she could be the sweetest person & all that, but from the little bit of a picture we're getting from this thread, I'd say you'd be better off out of it.

There are a lot of less demanding little princesses out there, but you seem willing to bend over backwards for her, for some reason. I hope it's all worth it in the end.

Best of luck.

Black Swan

Shocked wrote:

She says that she is so confused and needs to sort her head out. I don't know what to think. I couldn't see myself being with anybody else as I absolutely love this girl to bits. She is everything that I am not. Anybody ever experience anything similar?

You might have to give her some space, while at the same time reaffirming that you love her and are there for her after she has sorted some things out?

LegacyUser

Trust me, back away. Do not text her. When she texts you, write back a while after, not immediately...give her the impression that you have a life that is fun for you to live and you don't need her in it if she is acting this way. Remember, it's no skin off your neck. That's the way you should be thinking, this isn't your problem, it's hers.

Marksie

BoozyBabe wrote:

It seems like there's no winning with this woman, it's her way or the highway.

Was in that situation over 10 years ago. She lived in Kerry, me in the uk. Long distance relationship type stuff.

After three years, I gave a good job up and a house to come over and start over. Unfortunatly family important and all that precldued her moving.
I moved to dublin (jobs) and would very rarely get visits, doing all the running. Drivng from Dublin to Kerry on friday night i would even have to do my own dinner as she "didnt do cooking"
Eventually she wanted a break as well! No comtact and thats what happened

I am still here , done well and happy as larry

nitrogen

The term "a break" is bull**** in my eyes. A selfish cowardly way of not telling your partner your true feelings. Break-up, stay together or go on a trip to a European city by yourself but none of that break nonsense.

Back off for a week or two. Lay your cards on the table then.

Fanny Cradock

marksuttonie wrote:

i would even have to do my own dinner as she "didnt do cooking"

that woman didn't know her pace. i hope she at least did the ironing for you!

LikeOhMyGawd!

Suggesting 'Taking a break' puts the other person in a horrible wilderness and is conjured up by people who either don't have the guts to nip something in the bud or the selfishness to leave someone else in complete limbo. It's actually quite derisory come to think of it.

The OP should tell her that this 'taking a break' thing is really working out for him; that he is getting out more, doing the cool stuff he's neglected for so long and really taking advantage of how horny the women in Dublin have become in this hot sticky weather. In fact, the OP should actually do all those things so it will be no word of a lie.

See how she likes those apples.

LegacyUser

I suggest poking the helmet into other chickens.

GAA widow

Shocked wrote:

she told me that she wanted to take a break. I was gobsmacked and still just can't understand it. She says she wants a "normal life" and the commuting is getting to her

I could be totally wrong here as I don't know either of you, but given the fact that she's 31 and you're 28 it sounds like she wants to get the show on the road commitment-wise. A lot of her friends have probably started to settle down, and at 31 the old biological clock is ticking.

Asking for a "break" and saying that she wants "a normal life" is a roundabout way of getting you to consider the relationship and where ye are going, without having to ask you straight out: "so, are you going to marry me or what?!".

She hasn't told you that she's not in love with you anymore, but it does sound like she's pulling away from you at the moment.

If she is "the one" you'd want to start making plans. If she isn't the one for you longterm, time to move on.

Marksie

Fanny Cradock wrote:

that woman didn't know her pace. i hope she at least did the ironing for you!

Not in the least lol. But what i was getting at really was that after leaving work and driving hours to get to kerry, it was a couldnt be bothered unless it suited her. my way or the highway
anyway i am totally self sufficent..do my own cooking, cleaning and ironing

Chakar

Your girlfriend probably wants some time and space to sort out things in her life and she obviously feels that she'll more be able to do that when on a break from you.Its nothing to do with you.

Vyse

Thanks for all your opinions. They're making things a bit easier for me.

GAA widow wrote:

I could be totally wrong here as I don't know either of you, but given the fact that she's 31 and you're 28 it sounds like she wants to get the show on the road commitment-wise. A lot of her friends have probably started to settle down, and at 31 the old biological clock is ticking.

I think this is very true. Her younger sister (by 2 years) got married last christmas and is trying for kids. She has, what I would consider, 3 best friends. They are all married and all have children (one just had her first baby girl last tuesday). I guess these kind of things could get the mind ticking over.

GAA widow

Vyse wrote:

I think this is very true. Her younger sister (by 2 years) got married last christmas and is trying for kids. She has, what I would consider, 3 best friends. They are all married and all have children (one just had her first baby girl last tuesday). I guess these kind of things could get the mind ticking over.

Well, if her younger sister is married and trying for kids and her closest friends are married, I would not be surprised if your girlfriend is getting a little bit cheesed off with the whole commuting thing, as it seems that the relationship isn't moving in any particular direction and is stuck in the same routine for the past while.

Girls don't always mention it to their boyfriends, but once your friends or female relations start to get engaged or married, the pressure can start to mount when people shift the focus onto you and start asking "so, are ye going to buy a house?" or the usual rubbish like "Ooooh, you'll be next!" or "any ring?" when you come back from a weekend away. It can all be quite depressing, actually. When nothing is happening in your own relationship it can start to feel like a liability and you'll start to question the value of it.

Have ye talked about the future together and started to make plans, e.g. buying a house or getting married or anything? Have you told her that you love her? Have ye discussed the relationship at all, aside from the whole "commuting" thing? (Feel free not to answer these as I know they're quite personal questions to ask).

I think you need to ask yourself do you love this girl enough to commit to her longterm or not, or are you just happy with the whole seeing each other on the weekends "just a girlfriend, nothing serious" type relationship?

Vyse

GAA widow wrote:

Have ye talked about the future together and started to make plans, e.g. buying a house or getting married or anything? Have you told her that you love her? Have ye discussed the relationship at all, aside from the whole "commuting" thing? (Feel free not to answer these as I know they're quite personal questions to ask).

Yes we have talked about the future with particular reference to buying a house and yes I tell her that I love her. I knew that we'd always end up having to move in together (I don't particularly like commuting either) but all discussions were based around next year and for both of us to move to Cork. Now she doesn't want to move to Cork (she doesn't seem to want to leave Clare) and next year seems to be out of the question.

If she had sat down with me and discussed it I think we could have worked something out but this approach is unfair. I'm over the worst of it now and am feeling much better 'bout the whole thing. I know it might seem that she is being selfish wanting me to move to Clare (she is being selfish) but she really is an amazing person, really thoughtful and caring. I suppose it is hard to judge people that you don't know at all. If we don't get back together I'm sure that I'll survive.

GAA widow

Vyse wrote:

...all discussions were based around next year and for both of us to move to Cork. Now she doesn't want to move to Cork (she doesn't seem to want to leave Clare) and next year seems to be out of the question.
QUOTE]

I don't know - again harking back to the commitment thing maybe she'd like ye to be engaged before giving up everything she has going for her in Clare and moving to Cork. Then again, you too are willing to make a sacrifice and move to Cork also.Expecting you to move all the way to Clare with no compromise on her part does sound quite selfish, especially from somewhere like Dublin. Where has the whole "staying in Clare" thing come from anyway? Does her family want her to stay around or does she not want to move company?

The whole situation is something that you'll both really have to thrash out between you, in person and not over the phone (at present I too am conducting a Mon-Fri phone relationship, and having a heated discussion over the phone isn't the way to go).

I hope it works out for you because you obviously care about this girl a lot and don't want to give up the relationship without exploring all the options. Ultimately, you have to look out for what is best for you.

Oriel

Her wanting to take a break is her postponing breaking up with you.

cheeseofdoom

From my own personal experience I don't think she feels that you are 'the one' and she seems to be old enough to know what she wants and is thinking seriously on the break but the fact that she mentions all these obstacles and is unwilling to compromise shows me that she has already made up her mind. Are you in love with her? Is it worth trying to save? At your age (not saying you're ols but mature enough) I would just lay my cards on the table and tell her where you stand. Give her all the information possible to work with so that she can make the best decision possible based on that knowledge.

Good luck.

And remember what's meant for you won't pass you by. Or so my mother once told me. I'm just out of a 5 year relationship and it took a few months but I feel great now - thought it was the end of the world then.

Vyse

cheeseofdoom wrote:

And remember what's meant for you won't pass you by. Or so my mother once told me. I'm just out of a 5 year relationship and it took a few months but I feel great now - thought it was the end of the world then.

Cheers cheeseofdoom. Them are some wise words. To be honest I was absolutely gutted on saturday and sunday but as the week goes by, and I have some more time to think about it, I feel it was probably the right thing to happen. If it wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be!!

annR

I have to say I agree with everything GAA Widow has said. All this stuff about her being selfish is baloney - isn't she allowed to state where she wants to live?
Wanting a break is daft however but could indeed be a slightly clumsy way of seeing whether you have any interest in marrying her. It's difficult for girls to figure it out - no girl wants to have to ask a guy 'so are you going to marry me'. It's humiliating and if she has to ask that, he's not the right guy. As GAA Widow says, the only way is to thrash it out between ye.
If you are not too bothered about her, there's no point in following it up. If you can see yourself marrying her, looks like you need to decide if you want to move there, and you need to have a heart to heart with her and find out does she want to get engaged or break up.
At least she's made clear you would have to move there.
BTW I would wonder about the family thing. Everyone's family is important to them; that doesn't mean we all have to live in the same town as them. In fairness when she moved down, she thought you would be too.