I Broke (You're a Bitch)

Night_Rocker

you hurt me
you're a bitch
i'm sure i'm not the first
and i hate you for that
you're a bitch
you're a bitch
you're a bitch
you're a bitch
you're a bitch
you. are. a. bitch.

you're blood in a sneeze
you're mould on cheese
you're an unpaid lease
you're a headline on my space
you're my regret

you can't get away that easily
one day you'll know it's
me
you're friends talk
and that's where i fit in
between you and him
one day you'll know what you did
and it'll be too late
you can't get away that easily
i'll show you the meaning of
"there's more than one way to skin a cat"

i watch you time after time
with guy after guy
you could've been mine [should've been mine]
but you forgot me, i broke
and now i dream of watching you... [die]

you're blood in a sneeze
you're mould on cheese
you're an unpaid lease
you're a headline on my space
you're my regret

i watch you time after time
with guy after guy
and now i dream of watching you die

EWheelChair

You should write cards for halmark.

Night_Rocker

i don't get it

ctrl-alt-delete

easy to see the feeling, but as for quality its crap

Firewalkwithme

I bet you'd still take her back.

Sarky

If you folks can't be constructive, kindly take your posts to After Hours.

ctrl-alt-delete

Sarky wrote:

If you folks can't be constructive, kindly take your posts to After Hours.

To be honest i dont think the thread started out very constuctively. I dont think much thought or effort went into its creation; and as a result i'm not going to spend much time or effort criticising it. However i do want to discourage work of such a standard, hence my first reply to the piece.

Matt Holck

sounds like a threat to me

maybe you should elaborate how the bitch hides
that would add to the energy of seeking phrase

Night_Rocker

my intention was for it to be a song.

and rather it be a work a monumental art, it just be a stream of consciousness.

i'm not trying to make history with it. just say what i feel.

Matt Holck

well
if you were speed typing, I'm impressed

Sarky

ctrl-alt-delete, constructive is saying where you think improvements could be made, or what you think is wrong with something in particular. Merely saying "as for quality its crap" is not constructive. Elaborate or just don't bother.

And less of smartarsed one-liners, Matt Holck, unless you're going to say something useful as well.

[QJ]Serideth

Night_Rocker wrote:

i watch you time after time

Stalker rly?

and now i dream of watching you die

That's normal.


I think you need help, and a hobby that doesn't involve your feelings.

Lust4Life

Set to Punk Music it may go somewhere.
Don't stop writing! You'll only get better as time goes on!!!
Do you keep a binder of your works? That way you can track your progress and re-work them as you improve.

L4L

EWheelChair

Matt Holck has been a genius on this thread, those comments were great matt.

lilmissprincess

The mood of it reminds me of my old stuff...from last August to about March... I can understand teh feelings behind it, you portray it well.

Odaise Gaelach

Lust4Life wrote:

Set to Punk Music it may go somewhere.
Don't stop writing! You'll only get better as time goes on!!!
Do you keep a binder of your works? That way you can track your progress and re-work them as you improve.

L4L's given you the best advice so far in this thread. Don't give up!

rocketbabydoll

haha blood in a sneeze, mould on cheese
thats brilliant
this poem/song is brilliant...well done(seriously)