Self-Confidence: HELP!!!

curtistone

Hi,

I'm in my early 30s, happily married for nearly 5 years and I have a serious issues with self-confidence. Frankly, it's got to a crisis point. I'm not talking about being a bit shy here, it's more like performance anxiety in the extreme. Meeting new poeple fills me with absolute dread, job interviews have me a quivering mass of nerves before/during/after and making phone calls is a hurdle i fall at on a regular basis.

A situation yesterday turned into a disaster because of this and I was left mortified about something that, in a non-pressure situation, poses absolutely no problem for me. I was well prepared, but when it came down to crunch time, I was a sweaty, shaking mess and totally failed to show what I'm fully capable of doing. I'm gutted because I failed to get something I really wanted and it was all caused by a total lack of self-confidence. Basically, I'm sick and tired of it and I need to take the bull by the horns and try, for once, to attack this head-on.

I need to get something done about it and I'm wondering where/who to go to! Has anyone any recommendations/experience with dealing with professional help on something like this? What is available out there to get this resolved?

Any advice, HUGELY appreciated!
Thanks,
Curtis

Epicpriest

Hi bud,

Self confidence is something that people grapple with all the time. People don't pay as much attention to you as you'd think in most cases, but i suggest starting at your GP for advice. They will guide you from there.

Good luck and keep us posted m8.

Beruthiel

curtistone wrote:

Basically, I'm sick and tired of it and I need to take the bull by the horns and try, for once, to attack this head-on.

Hi Curtis
What worked for me was putting myself in these situations over and over again. I know that sounds like a special kind of torture, but when you realise that you didn't die from it, then your confidence slowly builds.
Over ten years ago I read a book that helped me out, link. Get a copy and really read it.
Also, look around at night courses this autumn and see if you can find one on self-assertion, they exist and can be very helpful.
btw
You can't possibly be as bad as you are saying, you managed to meet a lovely woman who loved you enough to marry you!!
Best of luck!

Oflynna

what about doing a drama course?

i have no problems with self-confidence but i have met lots of people, mostly with a corporate background, who had problems with talking in front of people and the like, and the progress they made in a ten or twenty week course was amazing. in week one they were half afraid to say their name and on the performance night they were doing such a great job that everyone else couldn't believe their eyes.

and it's not scary at all, there's always loads of people who have never been on stage and drama teachers are normally very supportive and generous and caring and helpful. and they won't put you on stage if you don't want to. but they will encourage you to step out of your comfort zone at times and you will feel scared and self-concious in the beginning - and you will feel great once you have realized that you can do it.

especially improvisation is excellent but i guess that's standard for a beginners drama course anyway.

Strokesfan

my confidence has taken a battering too, I can speak up and act confident but I'm just a paranoid mess when it comes to dealing with people I don't know, sometimes I suffer social discomfort and walk away from conversations making Homer simpson "duh" noises in my head.
I read something very true over the weekend relating to confidence - "people are not that frightening. Nor are they that powerful. We give them power by believing they have it. We make them frightening through our own perceptions - not because they actually are". I just ordered a book on amazon recommended in the sunday times - http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0749925485/202-3009834-5091842?v=glance&n=266239
I think it's mostly a case of inner dialogue and talking yourself down from winding yourself up (in my case) and relaxing. Once I feel comfortable with people I'm fine, so are you probably, so it's just a case of finding ways to project more confidence initially, practice maybe will help.

Black Swan

My self confidence has markedly improved ever since I started training in taekwondo. It's not for everyone, but now as an instructor I've seen people overcome many of their limitations, lacking self confidence being one of them.

LegacyUser

It depends on whether your anxiety is just for giving presentations, or whether it's constant in your everyday dealings with every person.

If I had to give a speech or presentation, I would write down EVERYTHING and read it verbatim off the sheet. If I used bullet points, I would just end up reading them as they're typed. If I have to improvise, I get tongue-tied and freeze up and completely stop. If I do freeze up, I can refer to my papers.

When meeting new people, I have to make an effort to make small talk with them, but over the years I've gotten into keeping up with current events, which makes small talk easier. If you know current movies and some current events, that's a place to start.

I have to fight anxiety in most social interactions. I think everyone's judging me. I had cognitive-behavioural therapy for it; its aim is to reduce the negative stuff you tell yourself; unwanted thoughts that make you your own worst enemy. Also I try to use a bit of logic; what are the odds that X person dislikes me? Maybe they got up on the wrong side of the bed or had a fight with their spouse. It only helps to a certain extent, but it helps. I also avoid people whose idea of fun is to upset people, or who are too negative. Also I try to have hobbies and achieve things that make me feel like I'm accomplishing something.

keithclancy

I don't think this is a confidence issue but more of an overthinking problem. If your going for an Interview/giving a speech/presentation whatever I find that if you keep thinking about it how to improve various aspects of it etc then your nervous as hell when its crunch time. You think to yourself "Crap.. i cant remember any of this"

I've found that preparation a day or two even a week before and then taking your mind off it with other tasks is the best thing. You've still prepared for it but the amount of gain preparing up to 10 minutes before hand is minimal and takes your mind off the task at hand.

People deal with this in various ways but that seems to work for me.

Oh ... and remember dont sell yourself short EVER ! if you do you'll be kicking yourself in the teeth and your prospective employer will sense the desperation, if your worth it then it'll show and believe me, your worth it

My first time giving a speech in front of 200 people, my hand was like a leaf on the projector and i sounded like my voice had just broken, why ? Because I over thought it!

Pretty ok with it now though