Freedom vs. Settling down

LegacyUser

I care for my girlfriend very much, and would never see anything bad happen to her. We have been together for almost three years now, and we started living together after six months.
For the past six months, we have been living with her mother so we could save towards a house, which has been fine. But, now I am starting to feel like I want freedom, I want to fly away and do my own thing. We have just put down a deposit on a house, and the deal will go through by the end of this week.
I'll give you some background info: 6 months before I met my GF, I had lost a daughter in from another relationship. She was nine, and died of a seizure. She had special needs, and it was hard to look after her. After she died, I vowed to go travelling, and pursue my dreams. Lo and behold I met my GF before my ideas were carried out.
Now everything is lining up for me to settle down, but I still lust other women, and still feel like travelling, I even thought about studying Buddhism in more depth, as I would have the time.
I don't know what to do, If I say anything to her, it will be over. If I don't say anything, it will pain me, and I may harbour resentment and hurt her eventually. Any advice appreciated.

Oflynna

Sorry to hear that. I've been through some of this, though not as serious, a couple of years ago.

If I say anything to her, it will be over.If I don't say anything, it will pain me, and I may harbour resentment and hurt her eventually.

Have you been giving her any clues as to what goes through your mind? If your living together and your relationship's working, than she has probably picked up something, she might not know what it is but still.

The sooner you say something the better I'd say, there's nothing worse than finding out later that someone you trusted to be honest with you hasn't been telling you how they really feel. I didn't tell my partner until it was too late - by the time he found out I had more or less packed my bag.

It probably depends on what exactly you say and how you say it. I wouldn't start with the 'I still lust other women' bit, that might not come down too good.

But if she really loves you and wants things to work out eventually, she is probably willing to be OK with a lot of things.

Do you know what you want? Have your freedom back for some time and then come home and hope for her to still be there? Or can you imagine living without her? Or do you just want find out what it is you want and you don't know where this quest is going to take you?

Are you happy with your job?

Hope to hear from you...

Black Swan

Heartlow wrote:

Now everything is lining up for me to settle down, but I still lust other women, and still feel like travelling, I even thought about studying Buddhism in more depth, as I would have the time.

Seems like you have answered your question about leaving her? If you truly loved her, you would not lust for others, or wish to get away (travel)?

I don't know what to do, If I say anything to her, it will be over. If I don't say anything, it will pain me, and I may harbour resentment and hurt her eventually. Any advice appreciated.

Honesty is the best policy in a relationship. Be honest. Otherwise you will just be putting off the pain for another day.

Static M.e.

I care for my girlfriend very much

We have just put down a deposit on a house, and the deal will go through by the end of this week

tick tock, tick tock

Now everything is lining up for me to settle down, but I still lust other women, and still feel like travelling

You should tell her ASAP how you feel, no reason why if you remain friends that you cant still share the house, from an economic point of view both of you will make money on it in the end.

You my friend need to start thinking about where you would like to travail too, I recommend the whole Austraila \ New Zealand trip with a little stopby on Vietnam \ Thailand on the way back.

I think before you settle down at all you should first get all your travailing out the way, once you get stuck into a mortage, you need that full time job to meet the payments, you do that for a while, then you cant leave work because you have that promotion coming up and you need that to get that new TV you want....................BLAH BLAH life goes on..

You could also use the mortage to take your GF with you travailing?... its an option, I dont recommend it though, I think you will cheat on her sooner or later if you lust after other girls.

Going away, travailing will give you a whole new view of life, things will seem so different, your priorities also change, you want something you never wanted before and other stuff you no longer care about. Its GREAT you will never regret it. You "could" come back realising that your GF is the one for you and look forward to getting that house and sharing it with her!

Go

LegacyUser

Oflynna wrote:

Do you know what you want? Have your freedom back for some time and then come home and hope for her to still be there? Or can you imagine living without her? Or do you just want find out what it is you want and you don't know where this quest is going to take you?

Are you happy with your job?

To answer your question Oflynna, I don't know what I want. I am quite insecure about myself, and feel that I need to spend time soul-searching, and working on myself to improve my attitudes, and the way I live my life. I had considered going to a Buddist monsastery in Scotland to study Dharma, to become a better all round person. But, I am afraid to give up what I have with my GF. She is a very strong person, she keeps me in touch with reality! I just don't know how to voice these things to her, or even bring myself to mention it.

Regarding my job, the work is quite mundane, and I feel slightly outside of the group circle. I get on well with everyone individually, but I haven't integrated into the "boyz" circle. Although, I have only been here a few months, and I perform my tasks effeciently, and am a good employee so I'm not worried. Although, I feel like a drone, and crave something more intersting and individual.

Chinafoot

Static M.e. wrote:

You "could" come back realising that your GF is the one for you and look forward to getting that house and sharing it with her!

He also could come back to find that she has moved on with someone else.

OP be aware of what you will be giving up and make sure it is the right choice for you. If you feel you won't be happy with her then you need to tell her and you need to leave. It would be unfair to both of you if you were to continue the relationship while you "lust" for other women and hold this desire to go travelling alone.

Don't, however, expect the two of you to automatically remain friends. This will most likely be a massive shock to her. You have both just paid the deposit for a house and she probably has no idea that her future plans are about to turned upside down. (Also, don't expect to be able to share that house after ending a three year relationship just when you were about to buy the house together.)

Be honest with yourself and make sure you are honest with her too.

LegacyUser

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

If you truly loved her, you would not lust for others

I don't think this is entirely true. I have seen so many people married and in long relationships, but they will still look at other women. I think it's a natural thing built into us, although, I do feel some guilt for it! But, I don't think I would carry out my fantasies. I mean, I am not so cruel to do this to her, she deserves way more than to be treated like that.

Ickle Magoo

If you really wanted to settle down with this woman you would not get itchy feet or lust after anybody else....and I think you know it...

You have to talk to your girlfriend & tell her your worries and work it from there....maybe she's not the one for you, maybe there is someone better out there? Maybe you just need to travel the world & feel more alive after the trauma of loosing a child and you will come back to her....

You need to follow your heart....best of luck

LegacyUser

i can relate dude.

i've currently reached this cross road.

i'm with my gf 1 and a half years, and these feelings of freedom, travel, lust for other women etc had been eating away at me for the past while.

i basicly thought, well, if i'm thinking this way, the best thing for both of us, is to end it, which i did, but regretted it, and talked with her about it soon after.

i honestly don't know where i'm at with it.

i know i wasn't happy in the relationship, but also know i'll be unhappy without her.

i'm glad we talked about it, even if i went about it a strange way, and made a snap decision to end it, and then re think my decision.

you sound like you don't know what you want, which is cool, there's lots of us in this boat, but you need to tell your gf this asap.

it'll be 5hit at first, but she needs to know how you're feeling.

it'll be much worse if you move in together and then you drop this bomb.

LegacyUser

similar wrote:

i know i wasn't happy in the relationship, but also know i'll be unhappy without her.

Thanks for your advice. I think that this is what will happen to me should I end it, the ould "don't know what you have until it's gone"..syndrome.

I don't want to break up with her, I think I will talk to her about the travelling and freedom end of it. I think I will keep the lust to myself, I think that would really hurt her.

Oflynna

it can be so frustrating that life is so complicated and that it is so hard to be happy with what we have...

anyway, i can only tell you how things were for me.

me and my boyfriend were at the same department at uni, he as a researcher, i was a student so we could talk about what we did during the day and he had lots of friends who i quite liked (they weren't my best friends though) but i had hardly any as i was new to the city and i liked spending time in his flat which was much bigger than my crappy room and generally i enjoyed the life i had with him - probably more than his company because when we went on holidays together we had a horrible time and then we moved into a flat on our own and it all went downhill from there, it was just to much for me to start buying furniture and washing machine and all that.

and than he went abroad for a research position and i had to stay at home for another two months to finish my studies. i thought that these two months were going to be the hardest two months of my life, all alone with big exams in front of me. but on the contrary - i hugely enjoyed being on my own, met old friends, had a really good time and then i met someone on the plane to sydney and was swept of my feet and when i arrived in sydney and met my boyfriend it was like seeing an old friend but i just couldn't love him anymore. it was gone.

i had no idea what i wanted from life, just something different and he so represented my life of the last two years i was so sick of, bored, and i felt like i needed a change and that i had to figure things out. and his presence in my life was inhibiting. he meant only good and tried to be helpful but he has very strong opinions about what's good for you and i just didn't want someone to tell me what to do.

we got back together eventually but it was pretty useless and we could have spared ourselves the trouble. he is a really good friend now and in the end he was able to accept that we weren't made for each other and that he didn't want to put up with me but it was really hard for a long time.

and it was terrible to see him suffer but there wasn't much for me to do.

Oflynna

oh, i just read your latest post.

good on you. you'll see, talking to her might make a few things clearer for you.

good luck...

Marksie

Heartlow wrote:

Thanks for your advice. I think that this is what will happen to me should I end it, the ould "don't know what you have until it's gone"..syndrome.

I don't want to break up with her, I think I will talk to her about the travelling and freedom end of it. I think I will keep the lust to myself, I think that would really hurt her.

The lust thing is nothing to worry about. you have said yourself that you would never do anything about it. And the majority of people, male and female would if honest admit to looking lustfully.

The quote "may be on a diet, but can still look at the menu comes to mind"

The best bet is to talk about the freedom side of things. Perhaps you could explore aspects together. Rather than choose all or nothing paths, perhaps list what is really important for you, what is not so important and compromise on the latter whilc keeping the former.

A friend of mine, his G/friend has gone doing volunatry work for 2 years.
They had been living togetyher for years, but she needed to do this for her own sanity and ultimately for the relationship.

He understood, but wasnt too happy. But he understood and she went abroad christmas. So far so good!

LegacyUser

Last night I had a long discussion with the GF about this. I told her that to me, buying a house signified the end of my youth, or at least a part of it anyhow. When I was young, in my teens, I dreamt of travelling the world, seeing different places, experimenting, and building up experiences.

But, my dreams were struck down to a degree, when I got my girlfriend of that time pregnant. So, I put my dreams to the back of my mind, while I rared my child. She was mentally impaired, and suffered a rare condition which made her prone to epilepsy. She had an extemely bad seizure when her mother was sleeping, and never recovered. We were all devasted, I found it hard to cope for a while. But, when I had come through it, I vowed I would pick up my dreams, where I had left off.

Then, I met my current GF. I couldn't have met a stronger, more understanding person at the right time in my life. I forgot about my plans to go travelling, and started a strong relationship with her. Today, the fourth of July. we are together exactly three years, still going strong.

So, you will understand now, that, for the brief period of time that I had no commitments(after my daughter), I had a strong intention to go on my travels. I explained all this to her, and she was incredibly understanding. She told me that I needed to follow my instincts, and that if I decided to go, she would wait for me. I know there would be temptation to be unfaithful, but she has my trust, and I will not betray that. But, I think anyway, I will buy the house with her, with the knowledge that this could be a pursuit of the future. Do you think I am deceiving myself?