Trapped

I don't know if this belongs in PI or work, it's a bit of both. But feel free to move it if I'm wrong.

I don't know what to do with myself. As some of you probably know, for a long time I've been wanting to move to Dublin and start a new life. But any time looking for a new job comes up I'll always stop. Right now I'm working in an IT job which I consider to be very sub-standard (unqualified boss, €1,080 per month wage, no proper lunch break). I hate it so much I want to do away with computers altogether. Yet I don't see myself as working "anywhere" and this thought seems to make me very picky and scared of what lies ahead of me.
So I decided to look at one of my dreams - locomotive driving. So I've got the forms to apply to IÉ, I'll need to do some other work first before I can apply as a driver. But now something is holding me back and I don't know what. The "excuse" I'm using is that I don't want them to see my postal address as Listowel so send me to Tralee, but I'd say its more than that.

I was seeing a health board counsellor but don't think it made any difference - I got mad when I realised that anything I told her was passed on to the head psychologist in Tralee and there's now files on record of stuff I said to her. The one time I did see him (the psychologist) he was dismissive of the evidence I showed to explain that I may be autistic, instead saying that he didn't want to put a label on me.

I tend to think that if I lived in Dublin first that I could find work easier (whether this is true or not is beyond me). But that's a chicken and egg situation.

Now I feel I've even more reason to want to move up. Last time I was in Dublin I began seeing someone and there's no way it'll work unless I'm there - I've tried long distance before and it only broke my heart in the end. But if I throw this away I'll hate myself for it.

I've still no idea what to do. On days when I feel fine I tend to ignore the issues I had before and continue on. But its only a matter of time before I drop down again, like now. One side of me wants to move away to be with my new friends and to get to know my new lady friend better. But the other is like a child and fears I'll miss my family if I go away. I'm 21 and believe that those sort of thoughts should have diminished by now.

What am I going to do? Just seems nothing's working for me.

jrey1981

I can sympathise with your situation to some degree. You dont say so, but I guess you are living at home? Perhaps you havent lived away from home before?

It can be difficult to "cut the apron strings". Everyone is different and some of us find it easier to deal with change than others. It may be a very very mild sign of autism, which perhaps your psychologist/counsellor has picked up on.

My guess would be that many of us go through life with the same characteristic, but we manage and adapt as best we can.

Or I may be wrong and perhaps the fact you are seeing a psychologist/counsellor suggests there are other issues you have at the moment which you have not mentioned...?

I am not too good at adapting to change myself, tbh. I get attached and used to a place - some people are just like that I guess.

But if you really want to go for the IE locomotive job, why not take small steps?

See if you can spend a bit of time with the girl you are seeing and it might help get used to being away from home and/or your family.

Ask if you could use her address when applying for jobs, so it looks as if you are living in Dublin already - this should help your chances with getting an interview.

Hope this might help.

Static M.e.

IF you want IT Work Dublin IMO is the only place to go, thats why im up here, Its great up here once you get use to it. Its fairly easy to get some decent IT work aswell, depening of course on your exact field of expertise and your work experiance. When I started out in IT thats about what I was earning, 1000 irish pounds a month so thats not so bad if your a junior.

I tend to think that if I lived in Dublin first that I could find work easier (whether this is true or not is beyond me).

I think so aswell BUT I would find work before I came up, Dublin is a sh*t city if you have no money depressing as hell... to do anything costs money. Once your up here though and working its great and its alot easier to get more work.

First off you need to Prioritise. Dont mind the girl for the moment, girls come and go you need to sort your life out first.

What do you want to do? Going from IT to locomotive driving could very well be a success but going from Locomotive Driving BACK to IT wont be easy at all to say the least.

Sonderval

If you have had your heart set on being a train driver, then do it. Your young, and if for some reason its not the career you expected it to be, you can still recover and make an attempt at another career path. Many, many people switch careers later in life and go on to be successful, so don't be against some risk taking regarding this choice.

It may be a tough decission regarding your girlfriend, but only you can weight up the merits of trying for you dream job. Unless your absolutely smitten with her, I'd be personally inclined to try make the locomotive career work.

keithclancy

Static M.e. wrote:

IF you want IT Work Dublin IMO is the only place to go, thats why im up here, Its great up here once you get use to it. Its fairly easy to get some decent IT work aswell, depening of course on your exact field of expertise and your work experiance. When I started out in IT thats about what I was earning, 1000 irish pounds a month so thats not so bad if your a junior.

I think so aswell BUT I would find work before I came up, Dublin is a sh*t city if you have no money depressing as hell... to do anything costs money. Once your up here though and working its great and its alot easier to get more work.

First off you need to Prioritise. Dont mind the girl for the moment, girls come and go you need to sort your life out first.

What do you want to do? Going from IT to locomotive driving could very well be a success but going from Locomotive Driving BACK to IT wont be easy at all to say the least.

Thats total horsesh*t .... theres IT jobs in Cork too ... good money too...

Theres life outside dublin .... and better money too .. i was on good money in dublin back in 2001 getting around 1600 pounds ... moved back to cork. .. way better off !

BuffyBot

What am I going to do?

I know it doesn't sound all the helpful, but I'm not sure that there is much that people here can say to help you. To me, a lot of this is internalised - and only you will be able to change the way you feel about the whole situation.

Changing your life, and making big, big desicions is something that can fill most people with dread.

So I decided to look at one of my dreams - locomotive driving.

Fill the forms in. Send them. Perhaps (if there is no space on the form) put a cover note stating you have a preference to work in Dublin. Keep telling yourself "what's the worse that can happen?". After all, what have you got to lose by sending them in? - nothing. What have you got to lose by not sending them? A chance at doing something you really want to do. Is fear a good enough reason to let yourself miss out a chance to do something you really want to do?

But the other is like a child and fears I'll miss my family if I go away. I'm 21 and believe that those sort of thoughts should have diminished by now.

Don't beat yourself up about missing your family - most people do. Hell, I'm 28 and moving back to the UK next week (having taken a risk to get a job I wanted badly, which paid off btw) and I'll still miss my family like crazy. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Just remember that they are but a phone call/email/train trip away.

jrey1981

jrey1981 wrote:

I can sympathise with your situation to some degree. You dont say so, but I guess you are living at home? Perhaps you havent lived away from home before?

Thanks, well you're correct. I've never lived away from my parents before.

Static M.e. wrote:

I think so aswell BUT I would find work before I came up, Dublin is a sh*t city if you have no money depressing as hell... to do anything costs money. Once your up here though and working its great and its alot easier to get more work.

I have some money in savings, about €3,200. No idea where it would get me though.

I've been told today by my parents that I'm the reason we live here now. If anything that makes me feel worse. They claim its because of how I was treated at school, but that didn't change when I came here. I hate them for it. And now I feel like I've ruined other people's lives too, one of my brothers for example.

BuffyBot

Karsini wrote:

I've been told today by my parents that I'm the reason we live here now. If anything that makes me feel worse. They claim its because of how I was treated at school, but that didn't change when I came here. I hate them for it. And now I feel like I've ruined other people's lives too, one of my brothers for example.

You're probably angry about it, which is fair enough - but do you actually HATE (a very strong word) them for it? Misguided or whatever it may have been, but my gut instinct is that they tried to do something that they thought was for the best - moving you away from a percieved harm. I'm assuming it was a "big" move - if so, they gave up friends, a home and a life that they had built in order to try and protect their son. As I said, maybe it didn't work - but think about it from their point of view as well.

As for ruining other people's lives - well I can't comment on the effect that moving has had on other members of your family as I don't know enough about it - but why do you feel their lives have been ruined?

BuffyBot

I'm certainly angry about it, no denying that.

BuffyBot wrote:

As for ruining other people's lives - well I can't comment on the effect that moving has had on other members of your family as I don't know enough about it - but why do you feel their lives have been ruined?

I've three brothers. One moved back after 2 years, he couldn't hack it at all. One has been unemployed for 5 years because he hasn't been able to get work here. And the other left school after 3rd year because he hated the teachers. I feel none of these would have happened if we stayed where we were. But just because I was the freaky oddball child I ruined their lives and prospects too.

BuffyBot

I feel none of these would have happened if we stayed where we were. But just because I was the freaky oddball child I ruined their lives and prospects too.

It's easy to feel that, I guess - but we can't know for sure how things would have developed anyway and feeling guilty about it on an ongoing basis probably won't lead you to anything productive in the long run.

Maybe things happened because you moved, maybe they didn't - but how long can you let that weigh on your mind? You certainly shouldn't let it bury your desire to do new things though.

Static M.e.

Keithclancy: It was only an opinion, so keep your language down if you wish to make a comment.

theres IT jobs in Cork too

Their is IT jobs everywhere, of course theirs life outside Dublin, but its EASIER to get IT work in Dublin than anywhere else simply because more businesses are based here + alot of Government offices are still based here and they are MAJOR source of income for IT Contract staff, because they cant hire people directly yet they still need to get the IT work done so they all source contract IT staff to work for them. But again thats simply MY opinion.

Apologies Karsini for going slightly off topic.

I have some money in savings, about €3,200. No idea where it would get me though.

Thats loads for rent and food and what not and would suit you fine once you had a job in motion.

You really just need to decide what you want to do, bottom line, what do YOU want to do, what interests you? You dont have to do it forever, just what would you like to do now for a while say?

Thats the hard bit, deciding, once you have that you can start on a plan to accomplish it.

I've three brothers. One moved back after 2 years, he couldn't hack it at all. One has been unemployed for 5 years because he hasn't been able to get work here. And the other left school after 3rd year because he hated the teachers. I feel none of these would have happened if we stayed where we were. But just because I was the freaky oddball child I ruined their lives and prospects too.

Sorry but thats crap, you shouldnt feel responsible for your brothers lives, they made their own choices you made yours, your not responsible for your brother being out of work thats his choice he can move to find work if he has too. As for your brother dropping out of 3rd year, unless you encouraged him its not your fault and even if you did encourage him its STILL not your fault, He lives his own life and is responsible for his own decisions, has you are for yours.

You sound like your just stuck in a rut, move out of home for a while go do a job you actually like doing and soon more options will open up for you. Be positive GL

Ok, I have an update.

I sent the form off to Iarnród Éireann about 2 weeks ago. Just decided to use my current address. But sure enough, got a letter in the post stating there were no vacancies, but it was sent from Kent Station Cork so I suspect they did consider my location in the application. I sent it to Connolly.

I've also stepped down from my IT job. Like Static M.e. said, I was stuck in a rut and I believed that unless I did something dramatic I'd never break out of it. My last day of work is Monday. After that I'm planning to take 5 days to tour around the country, then get serious about new jobs etc. But I've already applied for three, which I feel is a good start.

Nevyn

Good luck as you take on reshaping your life

Marksie

I had a great job in the uk and house .
when i was 33 I moved over to ireland for a much pooorer job.
Following a dream i guess. THings changed and new paths opened. I regret nothing, but may have always wonedred if i hadn't

The point is, you should follow what you want to do be it train driving or going to Dublin to be with that special person.

It is unfortunate that your parents took that attitude. But i am sure they did it out of love for you and what was best for you.
It is hard not too feel angry, but i am sure that they were not being vindictive.
They are in the position now where the offspring are beginning to be themselves.

If I may i will take a quote from a film (contact)

"small steps, elle....small steps"

Kell

Karsini wrote:

After that I'm planning to take 5 days to tour around the country, then get serious about new jobs etc. But I've already applied for three, which I feel is a good start.

Good stuff. What do you want to do in IT and what are your qualifications.

Your parents should have never said anything, certainly not in a bad way, about your location. The guilt you must feel must be awful. There should really be parenting classes and also "how to deal with parents" classes. Bah.

So yes, get your ass on a bus, train or plane to the big smoke and give it a whirl. We're not that bad once you get to know us.

Best of luck.

K-

Ayla

Karsini -

Good on you for taking the reins. It can be very difficult to up and move, especially if you have a feeling of responsibility to those you're leaving behind. But the point is (as Static said) that no one can live your life other than you, which also means that you can't live anyone else's life either.

The decisions your parents made may have been for your best at the time, but that doesn't mean your beholden to them for the rest of your life for moving you out of a bad childhood experience. If you're 21 your folks may just be feeling the "empty-nesting" syndrome more than anything, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they want you to sacrifice your dreams or hopes for them.

On another note, I'm personally of the belief that medical conditions are *usually* the last explanation...meaning that your psychologist may have been right in hesitating to diagnose you with autism. I'd be more prone to believing that you're just in a rough stage in life, which we all have to struggle through once and awhile. (Please don't jump on me here, there are some very genuine cases of medical disorders affecting people's lives, but I just think they can sometimes be over-prescribed).

In any case, good for you for moving on your dreams. Go, live your life. Those who genuinely care for you will support (even if they don't like) your decisions.

Kell

Kell wrote:

Good stuff. What do you want to do in IT and what are your qualifications.

To be honest Kell, the job I'm in now totally put me off working in IT, at least for the moment anyway. The main problem being that because I have an interest in the area it took over my life. I have the A+ cert and had planned to get more, but then I just got "fed up."

My plan for the moment is to get any sort of job to get me going while I send off an application to Iarnród Éireann every 3 months or so.

Black Swan

All due respects to your current dislike of IT, but if you are serious about relocating to Dub, then IT can be your ticket. More jobs in IT. Maybe cause you're far away, you might consider using an employment agency to place you? Once you have moved, have a flat and a source of income, then perhaps you can look into other career choices? The less than 4 thousand euros you have saved will not go far in Dub, without other sources of income.