To tell or not to tell

bogins

I have just found out that my close friends girlfriend has been cheating on him. He dosent know about it.

They have been together 3 years. they are about to move in together.

Apparently she has confessed this to her best mate and is apparently 100% genuine when she says it was a mistake and she regrets what she did and that it wont happen again.

He ( my friend ) isnt the best at talking about his feelings with us and he has a history of mild depression.

I myself am really angry at this girl. I want to punch her in the face. I think he should know who she really is but my worry is that if I tell him that he wont be able to cope with it.

What should I do?

Mr. Presentable

It's none of your business. Keep out. Especially as it's only heresay.

Nevyn

Your feeling are your issues and you need to deal with them.
This was something told in confidence and not really your concern.
It could be that your friend already knows about this and dragging it up won't help.

bogins

It not hearsay. I have rock solid proof.

Nevyn

Look unless you saw them then you don't.

Oryx

bogins wrote:

It not hearsay. I have rock solid proof.

And it sounds as if you want to make this girl pay. Regardless of how scummy you feel about her, think of your friend and keep out of it. If shes sorry, it could be a good lesson learned before they commit to each other. If shes a slut, he will find out all by himself, and probably stay friends with you, which would be in doubt if you speak about this.

bogins

Thaedydal wrote:

Look unless you saw them then you don't.

A confession is pretty strong evidence in my opinion.


Regardless of my feelings towards her, If the situation was reversed and I was moving in with a girl who was doing the dirt on me I would 100% want to know.

Kambika

If my good friend wouldn't tell me that my boyfriend was cheating on me and I would find out afterwards, I would be pretty disappointed of my friend!

Nevyn

Did she confess to you directly other wise it is hearsay.
That maybe what you want but you are not your friend.

leeroybrown

I won't comment on which is right but what you need to do is make a clear/strong decision one way or the other. Either tell him or ignore it completely - anything in the middle will probably just come back on you badly.

bogins

Thaedydal wrote:

Did she confess to you directly other wise it is hearsay.
That maybe what you want but you are not your friend.

This issue is not how I found out, I could write a book about what has happened between them.

The bottom line is that she has confessed to her 2 best friends(1 is my bird) about her actions and the bloke she was cheating with has confessed to my other mate.

So lets forget about that and talk about the fact that "as a friend should I tell him or not"

bogins

leeroybrown wrote:

I won't comment on which is right but what you need to do is make a clear/strong decision one way or the other. Either tell him or ignore it completely - anything in the middle will probably just come back on you badly.

Agreed! No time for sitting on a fence

Miss Fluff

bogins wrote:

Apparently she has confessed this to her best mate and is apparently 100% genuine when she says it was a mistake and she regrets what she did and that it wont happen again.

Let he without sin and all that.....
It's none of your business. And how can it be rock solid proof when you used "Apparently"? The girl regrets it, it's her relationship and everyone makes mistakes. Let HER tell HER boyfriend should she choose to.

Vegeta

again if my girlfriend cheated and my best friend knew but didn't tell me i have to say i'd be pretty pissed off.

It is your business by the way, he's your friend which makes it your business.

the issues is if your friend can handle it mentally or not, you say he gets a bit depressed.

Did she sleep with the other guy. If so tell your friend, if it was just kissin or whatever, let it slide and deny all knowledge

Oryx

A friend of mine cheated years ago, I knew, I kept schtum, and they got married. Im glad i kept quiet. I loved them both, I couldnt betray her trust or destroy his life. 10 years on they are rock solid, kids and all. She may have just been getting something out of her system, i dont know, but I didnt judge her.

bogins

Vegeta wrote:

again if my girlfriend cheated and my best friend knew but didn't tell me i have to say i'd be pretty pissed off.

It is your business by the way, he's your friend which makes it your business.

the issues is if your friend can handle it mentally or not, you say he gets a bit depressed.

Did she sleep with the other guy. If so tell your friend, if it was just kissin or whatever, let it slide and deny all knowledge

Agreed my concern is that he does suffer from depression.

The girl had been sleeping with this bloke for about a month. So it wasnt a drunken one night stand.

LegacyUser

If I was in that situation I would hope that my friend would tell me, he might be very angry if you do nothing and then he finds out almost betrayed. Maybe confront the girl on her own ask her side of things and ask her to come clean with your friend or you will?

Marksie

bogins wrote:

The bottom line is that she has confessed to her 2 best friends(1 is my bird) about her actions and the bloke she was cheating with has confessed to my other mate.

The bottom line is also that two friendships would be ruined as well.

Does your g/friend want you to tell or were you told i confidence by her. You could face the wrath of your girlfriend and her friend.

Think of all the potential ramifications before you jump!

She is suffering remorse, perhaps they both are.. you use the word confessed. Sometimes how the guilt people suffer is more than what you could ever do.

You never mentioned any action with the male part in this.

bogins wrote:

I myself am really angry at this girl. I want to punch her in the face. I think he should know who she really is but my worry is that if I tell him that he wont be able to cope with it.

I would pause and think before doing anything. If you are angry enough to consider punching someone you are too angry to make a rational decision.
And who she really is is your impression. People make mistakes, she is punishing herself over it.

This could come back and bite you.

Sometimes people shoot the messenger as tha saying goes.

Its up to her, your duty as a friend is to support him if it goes pear shaped. NOT to poptentially harm him because of your anger

Pompey Magnus

What kind of friend would keep something like that from a mate? If I was in his situation I would definitely want to know, if you are convinced she did cheat then you should tell, he should know what his girlfriend is up to behind his back.

Santa Claus

bogins wrote:

Agreed my concern is that he does suffer from depression.

The girl had been sleeping with this bloke for about a month. So it wasnt a drunken one night stand.

Which do you think would depress him more, finding out now or after they've been living together for a while and possibly made further plans for marraige/kids etc.. ?

Have you spoken about this with your girlfriend and if so did her friend give any idea why she cheated with this guy and why she did not tell her boyfriend ? (As you say if it went on for a month then it was a hell of a lot more than a drunken mistake!)

I would feel pretty hurt to know that my girlfriend had been cheating on me and a few people knew but no-one had the decency to tell me.
However, I think if anyone is to tell your friend then it should be her !!

Col_Loki

What kind of friend would keep something like that from a mate? If I was in his situation I would definitely want to know, if you are convinced she did cheat then you should tell, he should know what his girlfriend is up to behind his back.

I would feel pretty hurt to know that my girlfriend had been cheating on me and a few people knew but no-one had the decency to tell me.
However, I think if anyone is to tell your friend then it should be her !!

Agree totally!! He will be pretty hurt by it, but finding out at a later date and maybe that his friend knew ...... that would be a killer blow.

abetarrush

You should tell him, he's your friend, and he trusts you

The way I see it is he's gonna find out sooner or later, and when he finds out you didnt tell him, he'll be shattered

But if you tell him now, he'll respect you, and know you're a true friend

Like another poster said

Its better to know now, before they move in, maybe get married and have kids, than for him to find out in the end his whole marriage was a sham

They might not break up, and she might genuinely regret it, and not do it again

This could be something that makes them closer than ever, and they'd have you to thank for that

If ye want, I'll call and say I'm the guy she was shaggin :P

Crea

Think of the possible outcomes before you do anything.
1. You tell him, he stays with her, she hates you and hates your gf for telling you. Your gf fights with you for telling your friend given that she was told in confidence - this is a possible outcome for all scenarios.
2. You tell him, he dumps her. He gets depressed, she falls out with your gf.
3. You don't tell him. She does it again. He finds out - scenario 2.

I honestly think that you will not win in this. The messanger always pisses someone off.
I do think she deserves a second chance given that she feels so badly. People do funny things to confirm their feelings before making a commitment.

Chucky the tree

yea, shagging someone for a month is a great wya to confirm your feelings for someone.


Bro's before ho's.

You have to tell him really. If you were any sort of a mate you would.

If he knew your girlfriend was cheating, what would you want him to do? Say nothing or tell you? I'd say you would want to be told.

Nalz

Chucky the tree wrote:

You have to tell him really. If you were any sort of a mate you would.

yeah gotta agree, but how you go about it is another idea

vorbis

as others have said, you have to tell a friend something like this.

tj-music.com

Thaedydal wrote:

Your feeling are your issues and you need to deal with them.
This was something told in confidence and not really your concern.
It could be that your friend already knows about this and dragging it up won't help.

I don´t believe it. How can you say it is not his concern?! If I would know that someone is cheating on my best friend I would certainly not keep it to myself. Friends are there to protect each other and to be honest.

It seriously puzzles me that you´re obviously not the only poster in here who suggests to "keep quiet" and I am shocked. :mad:

abetarrush

Chucky the tree wrote:

Bro's before ho's.

Ditto

event

bogins wrote:

A confession is pretty strong evidence in my opinion.


Regardless of my feelings towards her, If the situation was reversed and I was moving in with a girl who was doing the dirt on me I would 100% want to know.

sounds like you've already made your mind up

you dont want advice, you want us to reassure that its ok

Marksie

tj-music.com wrote:

I don´t believe it. How can you say it is not his concern?! If I would know that someone is cheating on my best friend I would certainly not keep it to myself. Friends are there to protect each other and to be honest.

It seriously puzzles me that you´re obviously not the only poster in here who suggests to "keep quiet" and I am shocked. :mad:

Not is cheating was.
The idea of posting into a forum is to get a range of views. Different posters have had different life experiences, can look at things from different angles and may indeed have seen this type of situation before.

LegacyUser

Tell your friend.

Crea

Just be prepared to be the bad guy.
His GF will hate you. Your GF will probably be pissed with you for getting her into trouble and possibly ruining her friendship with his GF. You should tell your GF your plans before doing anything.

LundiMardi

He is your friend, he has been taken for a fool, he deserves to know the truth. I would hope to christ that my friend would tell me if in the same position, she's made her bed, now she has to lie in it.

It will be devastating for the guy tho, truely devastating, you need to be there for him when it's done.

LegacyUser

please, please tell your friend. i was in a similar situation myself a while ago except it was my boyfriend who was cheating on me,with one of my friends. most of my friends knew about it but didnt have the guts to tell me. when i found out, i was devestated, not only with my fella and my so-called friend, but also with my friends that knew about it but kept quiet, making me look like a gob****e in the process. it hurts big-time but it really is best to tell your friend now, cos the truth always comes out and he will hate you for not telling him. those people that kept things behind my back are no longer my friends. dont let this happen to you and your friend

deisemum

Maybe another option would be to talk with your friend's girlfriend and see what she has to say. If you still want your friend to know the truth tell the girlfriend she has to come clean to your friend and if she doesn't then you will.

Pink Bunny

bogins wrote:

and the bloke she was cheating with has confessed to my other mate."

Have you talked to your other mate who knows? Since he heard it directly from the cheating man himself then it's not heresay anymore is it? Perhaps both of you can approach your friend about it, that way you both can shoulder the responsibilty.
If both parties are now confessing to others it's doubtful this will stay a secret for long. A month is a long time for this kind of carrying on.

noeleenred

Tell him.

If you dont tell him, he will be more depressed when he does finds out about it and finds out you knew and didnt tell him. He could lose you and his girlfriend while if you tell him now you are being a friend. Moving in together is a huge commitement and he should know before this happens.

Magic Pips

Tell Him Deffffffo

ionapaul

I was in your position years ago (two of us knew she was cheating), we struggled with what to do for a few days before realising we HAD to tell him, as his friends. We didn't end up getting into trouble for being 'the messengers', we simply did what every friend should do for another. If we hadn't of told him, I doubt he would have been able to forgive our silence.

You gotta tell your friend.

Chinafoot

Talk to the girlfriend before you do anything.
I was accused of this by my ex-boyfriend's mate a few years ago when there was no truth in it. He just didn't like the fact that his mate was spending more time with me and less with him. In the end it did more damage to their relationship than it did to ours.

Your own girlfriend teling you that this other girl said she cheated is not rock solid proof. Girls can be bitches, maybe your girlfriend is lying? Maybe they had a falling out? You'll only know for sure if you speak to your friend's girlfriend first.

If you speak to her and she admits to cheating then I would give her the opportunity to tell him herself. Maybe they could work it out (stranger things have happened). However if you go barrelling in there to your mate calling her every name under the sun, the situation won't be helped.

Speak to her before you do anything. You need to be 100% about it.

bogins

Thanks for all your opinions.

I have discussed it with my parents and my GF.

I have decided to tell him.

This is probably the horriblest thing ive ever had to do.

Vegeta

bogins wrote:

Thanks for all your opinions.

I have discussed it with my parents and my GF.

I have decided to tell him.

This is probably the horriblest thing ive ever had to do.

you're doin the right thing man. he'll know who is true friends are after this.

IF you are worried about his depression then stay with him as much as you can and keep his mind active. The worst times are when you are on your own so don't let him feel alone.

Marksie

bogins wrote:

Thanks for all your opinions.

I have discussed it with my parents and my GF.

I have decided to tell him.

This is probably the horriblest thing ive ever had to do.

Ok, well just be there for him.
I don't know if its possible, but do let us know how it goes.

Good luck

Amazotheamazing

You're making the right decision, I'm amazed so many people feel it's ok to cheat if you don't get caught.

Chinafoot

Amazotheamazing wrote:

You're making the right decision, I'm amazed so many people feel it's ok to cheat if you don't get caught.

I think it was more a case of people thinking the OP should stay out of it rather than condoning cheating.

If he is 100% sure that its true then I say good luck to him. If he hasn't got the full set of facts then he could be doing a serious amount of damage to his relationship with his friend.

Marksie

Amazotheamazing wrote:

You're making the right decision, I'm amazed so many people feel it's ok to cheat if you don't get caught.

similar reasoning to peachypants.

i have seen friendships comletely destroyed even when the evidence was 100% accurate.

It is just a balanced view to give possibilities, once its said it can't be taken back