No Closure

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I started going out with this great girl a few of months ago. We'd gone out a good few times and things were going really well.. She even told me she was starting to fall in love with me. We're both pretty shy so things were a bit awkward at times but overall I was really happy and excited to see where it would go.

Anyway, a while ago she had to spend some time at home because she was sick. Now I'm not a huge fan of texting and up until this point if we ever texted each other, she'd always text me first. So I sent her a couple of texts when she was off sick even though she didn't reply for a bit.. I just assumed she was too ill to be bothered. She said as much when I did hear from her after a few days.

It continued like this for a while - I'd send her a few messages (thought it might cheer her up) and I'd get a reply from her after a few days, usually apologising for not texting me sooner, saying she missed me, putting little kisses at the end etc. Now I didn't want her feeling obliged to text me and I said something along these lines. At this point she'd been sick for a few weeks.

Gradually I began to hear from her less. She'd had her phone switched off most of the time so I couldn't have called her. I heard from some of her friends that she was very sick and needed a bit of time to recover. I understand that she had a lot on her mind and I probably didn't feature at all but she just never replied to some of my messages. This was before she was really sick and I know that she'd been in touch with a lot of her girlfriends around this time, even was out with them at one point.

Is it unreasonable of me to be upset over this? It doesn't take much effort to send a text message.. Even if all she wanted was to say that she wanted a break. I would have been completely cool with this, I thought it was probably what she'd want but she'd seemed happy enough to stay in touch up until her last message. I don't know what the story is now. I really hope she's ok and doing better but it's really cutting me up that something that was going so well seems to have just ended and I think it's the lack of closure that's really getting to me. I can't stop thinking that maybe she'll call me and things can go back to the way they were. Should I just forget her and move on?

Nevyn

Ring her or arrange to visit her and talk to her.

Heyes

Thaedydal wrote:

Ring her or arrange to visit her and talk to her.

Agreed thats the best thing you can do. I know she s not well but tbh there s nothing wrong with knowing where you stand.

turkey_lurkey

The exact same thing happened to me last year (and probably to loads of people tbh). I know your head is probably totally wrecked at this stage, but it's obvious this girl is no longer interested, but I guess you have come to this conclusion.

I too had an issue with closure, just needed to know what was going on. But as you said, she is a bit shy, maybe she just can't bring herself to do this. If she wants to contact you she can do so, even if it just a text or whatever.

In the end I just sent a text wishing her well and also said I'd like to have chat to clear the air and that I'd call her at a certain time. You could try something similar - at least it puts the ball in her court and she can take the call if she wants. You will probably be really nervous calling her, but its the best thing you can do. Just suss out the lie of the land and you'll feel much better afterwards, no matter which way it goes.

LegacyUser

I have tried to call her but her phone's switched off. First when I hadn't heard from her in about a week (I had texted her but no reply), I was in two minds if I should try her again. On one hand, I didn't want to come across as desperate if she was brushing me off but then again, maybe she just didn't feel up to replying. After a bit of deliberation I decided fu(k it, and sent her a message asking how she was doing; hoped everything was ok... Got nothing back and then a short while later heard she'd been out with the girls one day. Although they haven't heard from her in a while now either.

I sort of feel now that the ball's in her court, so to speak. I hate the way I jump everytime my phone rings, hoping it's her. I still have loads of texts from her saved in my phone.. I just can't bring myself to delete them as they're so sweet. But now I think maybe I should cause reading them back isn't getting me anywhere.

@ turkey_lurkey
Thanks for sharing that. I guess I should just accept that it's over. It's just a bit strange though cause even though she was shy in person, she had no problem saying what she was feeling in texts. I thought that she'd at least be able to tell me what the deal was via text but maybe not... Also, I can see it being a bit awkward in the future because we're doing the same course and she's going to be back sometime!

Black Swan

whattodo? wrote:

Hi guys,
She even told me she was starting to fall in love with me. We're both pretty shy so things were a bit awkward at times but overall I was really happy and excited to see where it would go.

Gradually I began to hear from her less. She'd had her phone switched off most of the time so I couldn't have called her. I heard from some of her friends that she was very sick and needed a bit of time to recover.

Do you love her? If so, have you tried to go and see her while sick? Hey, if she is/was falling for you, and you for her, and you show up with flowers and hold her hand, it could mean a lot.

CrazySka

Maybe the fact that shes sick has affected her appearance and therefore her confidence, maybe she doesnt want you to see her while she looks bad and so isnt encouraging you in case you turn up at her door.

sachamama

turkey_lurkey wrote:

I know your head is probably totally wrecked at this stage, but it's obvious this girl is no longer interested, but I guess you have come to this conclusion.

I have to disagree with this quote. turkey lurkey you shoudnt be telling people something is obvious when it isnt.

you really do not know the situation until you find out directly from her. her sickness could make her incredibly weak and drowsey and not able to concentrate. find out the truth yourself from her before you come to any conclusion.

spinandscribble

do you know her friends? tell them to ask her what the story is or better yet write a letter to her. tell her friends if you get no reply then you'll know where you stand. make sure you tell her you understand that shes sick but you dont know if she still wants you or not and if she does she should act like it tbh.

Setun

spinandscribble wrote:

do you know her friends? tell them to ask her what the story is or better yet write a letter to her. tell her friends if you get no reply then you'll know where you stand. make sure you tell her you understand that shes sick but you dont know if she still wants you or not and if she does she should act like it tbh.

Was just thinking the same thing.

Get in touch with her mates and suss out what's wrong. Sometime's people worry about things like this and become very pessimistic about it. There could be a perfectly good reason for her not replying.

LegacyUser

spinandscribble wrote:

do you know her friends? tell them to ask her what the story is

That's not gonna work cause they're none the wiser. In fact they've been asking me if I know what's going on. She's quite private, I don't think she's told her friends much detail about us.. I could be wrong, girls do tend to talk about these things.

john_dub wrote:

Maybe the fact that shes sick has affected her appearance and therefore her confidence, maybe she doesnt want you to see her while she looks bad and so isnt encouraging you in case you turn up at her door.

Yeah, one of my friends said the same thing. It does make sense.

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Do you love her? If so, have you tried to go and see her while sick? Hey, if she is/was falling for you, and you for her, and you show up with flowers and hold her hand, it could mean a lot.

I did think about visiting her but I got the impression that she wouldn't be keen. I've never been invited to her house, I'm not even sure where she lives. She lives with her parents and I honestly think she'd be mortified if I came knocking on the door

Daddio wrote:

Sometime's people worry about things like this and become very pessimistic about it.

You're right. This is playing on my mind a lot and I can't help thinking at times - What did I do? I must have done something to put her off.. It's not exactly a normal situation. I think I'll sit it out a bit longer and see if anything happens.

Nevyn

Get her address of one of ther friends and send her flowers and a get well card telling her that you miss her and hope she gets well soon.

spinandscribble

yeah thats a really sweet idea. this girl seems very reserved. i couldnt go weeks without talking to my friends. shes not on her death bed is she?

DOLEMAN

Messed up situation.

Is she sick as in dying of cancer serious or just suffering from depression or something like that?

Your partner is supposed to make your life better and happier. This obviously isn't the case here. The "clever" thing to do would be to delete her texts and move on. She seems to have anyway. In a few months your feelings for her will fade and she won't be bothering you anymore (and she is bothering you, making your life worse, right?)

She's made no effort to contact you. Move on. Difficult, sad, "unfair", but you'll be happy you did in a few months.

Good luck!

PS I know all about the no closure thing myself. Horrible!!

daRobot

I agree with doleman, I think it's time to move on.

Go out with your friends, meet some new women and try to enjoy yourself.If it does work out with the one in question, it's a bonus.It's surprising how getting laid with goodlooking girl who appreciates you will put the problems all into context.

I don't think the 'too weak to text' is a valid excuse.It's piss easy to send a text message, and if you're holed up in bed sick, you'd be so bored that you'd appreciate the social contact.

I wouldn't trust her friends either.If it turns out that she's giving you the brushoff (in a weak and gutless manner), her friends will be up to spec with this and will be covering for her.

The last thing you want to be doing though, is turning up with flowers, or sending them for that matter.Why reward someone for bad behaviour?It sends out big neediness signals.

Last chance saloon is sending a text saying that while you appreciate that she's sick,you don't appreciate the rudeness,and that it would be better of you don't see her anymore.You'll soon find out where you stand.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice. I've pretty much decided to move on and try to forget her. I don't think sending flowers would be appropriate at this stage. A few weeks ago, maybe, but so much time has passed now that I think it would be weird. Don't want to be perceived as a stalker.. I think I have to assume that if she'd wanted to be in touch, she would have been by now.

With regards to how sick she is, I don't really know. She didn't seem to want to tell me so I didn't press the issue. Maybe it's embarrassing and/or girly. I don't think it's a life or death situation anyway. I certainly hope not!

DOLEMAN wrote:

In a few months your feelings for her will fade and she won't be bothering you anymore (and she is bothering you, making your life worse, right?)

You're spot on there. She is making my life worse right now even if she's oblivious to this. It's crazy because for the past year I was completely happy being single as I'd finally gotten over a pretty stifling long term relationship that I'd been in. The last thing I wanted was to get tied down and I'm shocked at how much of an effect this has had on me. But like I've already said, it's the lack of closure that gets to me the most.

daRobot wrote:

Last chance saloon is sending a text saying that while you appreciate that she's sick,you don't appreciate the rudeness,and that it would be better of you don't see her anymore.You'll soon find out where you stand.

One of my friends (who also knows her) suggested I send a text to this effect, just basically asking where do I stand. I decided against it because quite frankly I don't think I can handle any more rejection from her. I know I'd just be constantly checking my phone for a reply that possibly would never come. I've been doing that for long enough now and I don't want to start it up again.

Em, I don't think I'll delete the texts just yet. I need a bit more time before doing that. Thanks for listening. I think I just needed to vent and have somebody agree that it was bad form on her part. Maybe I sholud have done things differently but I can't change that now. Our paths should cross in the future with college and stuff so I should get the closure I'm looking for then.

Chinafoot

If she's pulling away from her mates too then perhaps there is a lot more to it.

She could be seriously ill, she could have family problems, she could be the type of girl that deals with these things by detaching herself from everyone. We don't know.

I think it's a bit unfair for everyone to assume that because she hasn't been in touch with the OP that she's rude and has just lost interest and moved on.

Op you need to find out whats going on, if possible. If she's not in touch with her mates either then I think it would be unfair to dismiss it as her wanting to ditch you. Her friends said that she was very ill and needed some recovery time. perhaps she has gotten worse?

I'd go with the flowers idea or perhaps get her home phone number and try her there. Even if you can't speak to her maybe her family could shed some light on the situation. You don't have to say that you two were a couple if it makes you uncomfortable, just say you're a concerned friend.