absent minded housemate disrespect

LegacyUser

i have been living with my house mates for about a year now. we all studied together in college, and get on really well, and are really good friends, a bit like sisters in a way.

my problem is that one housemate in particular (lets call her X) is very absent minded about certain things like paying bills, paying rent, doing housework, and buying her own cosmetics. when we first moved in it wasn't so bad because she was very active in getting the house in order - like painting rooms and organising furniture.

in recent months its started to really irritate me that she constantly forgets to do anything for the house - lke buy toilet paper, washing up liquid, put out the bins, and things like that. we all had a chat about 3 months ago and decided that we would all make more of an effort to keep the house in order. but its all forgotten about now and things are back to normal. with the exception that X has now started to forget to buy and use her own shampoo, conditioner etc. she deffinately knows that we are not in the practice of sharing this stuff (its unfair to share cosmetics, since one person might prefer an expencive brand, while another is happy to buy cheap stuff), and has complained to me in the past about another housemate using her washing powder.

i confronted her about this a few weeks ago, and she admitted that she had been using my toiletries, but said it was just because she hadn;t had time to go shopping for her own (it had been going on for over 2 weeks though, so thats not really an excuse). so then a few days later she went on a big shop and bought herself new shampoo and conditioner and everything (although she admitted that she didn't buy a replacement facial scrub for me because she said she hadn;t really used it that much). so that was fine.

then today i'm brushing my teeth and i look around at the shower, that had been cleaned out yesterday, to see that my conditioner is there in the shower (i always take my stuff out of the shower when i'm done, she always leaves her stuff in there). so now shes using my conditioner again. i looked around to the shelf, and she still has her own conditioner there. she just decided to use mine instead of her own?!

it may seem like i'm being petty here, but shes earning good money in a good job, and i'm unemployed and trying to save all the money i can. when she started her job i even loaned her money so she could pay the rent and things, because she was always spending her money on clothes and then forgetting she had other obligations. i always got this money back after a while (although it did take some reminding).

our esb bill is also direct debited out of my account, because at the time when we moved in, although i was out of work, i had savings so i was the only person who knew i'd have enough in my account to cover it. now when the bill comes i stick it up on the fridge, and the others pay me pretty quickly, but shes always the one that needs to be reminded a million times.

she also loses her keys about once a month, and ends up cutting a new one. this really really annoys me because i feel its really unsafe to have so many copies of our keys lost, although i'm sure more than half of them are just in her room somewhere.

i hate having to ask people for money, it makes me really uncomfortable. i really like this girl, shes one of my best friends, and we're involved in loads of the same activities, i dont want to fall out with her. but how can i make her realise that this annoys me without having to be confrontational and make things uncomfortable? i feel really annoyed because even though i have about 3000 in savings, i saved it to buy particular things to help me to start my own business, and i need her to know that i am unemployed, and i can't afford to be supplying a professional 20 something year old with toiletries and free electricity etc.

i know this is probably just the way she is, and theres no way i can change that, but i just wish there was someway i could make her show me and my money a little more respect...

Moojuice

site her down and tell her "i have about 3000 in savings, i saved it to buy particular things to help me to start my own business, and i need her to know that i am unemployed, and i can't afford to be supplying a professional 20 something year old with toiletries and free electricity etc." you said it best.

I think it is best to come right out and say it straight up.Or just dont clean the house, put your cosmetics away in a drawer in your room, dont bother for a while and see what she says. Tell her you are not bothered if she isnt.
Also ask her to set up a direct debit from her account into yours for rent, tell he you cannot afford to be chasing people for money.
Be straight with her, if you let it go on it will end up coming between the two of you, as friends you should at leaset be able to talk to her about it.

oulu

Do not tell her what your savings are then she really will take the piss, Simple thing to do is keep your things in your room locked. You should not have to but with her around I think you should, as you said you dont want to fall out with her so that is one way to avoid a big row, With the esb bill or any other I would stop them coming out of your bank and just pay at post office when bill comes in, bill comes in all put their share on the bill with name tag .

irlirishkev

Ooohh I feel your pain.

I lived with a girl who sounds just like girl you're describing. She used my shower gel, my toothpaste, never bought anything for the gaff, was always late paying bills etc.. She wrecked my head. Never cleaned up after herself either. Dirty plates and cups all over the place. Her room stank, and I know because she never closed her bedroom door. She also kept losing keys. And she was thick.

I eventually moved out, and now I live on my own. I'm quite a tidy person though, so it probably wasn't all one sided.

Like the others suggested, have it out with her and see how you get on..

K.

MonkeyBox

I don't think locking things in your room is the way to go about it. As another person said, you shouldn't have to... and, well, just shouldn't. She's not 'absent minded', she's simply taking the piss. You have to keep asking her for money to pay the bills and you've asked her several times not to take your stuff and yet she keeps taking liberties. I have a few 'friends' like that that I used to always tip-toe around when they took advantage. I always tried to find the best way of confronting them without actually 'confronting' them. In the end I ended up getting so wound up that I ended up resenting them and one day just cut ties with them altogether.

Personally, despite your good nature, I reckon if you think hard enough about it you'll realise that you're friend's not absent minded; she's just selfish, untrustworthy and dishonest. Sorry Best thing to do if you want to save your friendship with this girl in the long-run is to be firm with her.

Huggles

Shes not absent minded tbh, she is irresposible and a scab! If I where you i would sit down and bawl her out of it, failing that, put something nasty in your conditioner bottle, she won't borrow it again!

Knew a girl like that before but it was stealing drinks from her friends in the pub, you know, nicked when they went to the toilet etc. Somebody gave her a nasty surprise and she didn't do it again.

Seriously OP that crap is not on!

5uspect

I know she's one of your best friends but if she treats you like that I seriously wonder what she thinks of you.
First thing - change the direct debit to be deducted from her account
also change the name of the ESB into her name.
Since she seems to "forget" to pay the bills then she shouldn't mind haveing it taken from her account automatically. If she refuses then you know what she is really like.

If she is using your stuff after a big shop, pretend your stuff has run out and use her's see how she likes it