Breaking up with long term live-in girlfriend...

LegacyUser

Alright firstly, I have decided to break up with my girlfriend of 6 years (both in our late 20's). I've been studying what I should do for about 2 weeks, with little sleep. These doubts have been there before, but I always managed to push past them. We are planning to go to a friends wedding in her home town, abroad, in mid-July for 10 days. I think I should do it before that so she'll have support from her friends, that she usually doesn't see, and her family. I just hope that she'll still want to go without me.

We have been through many highs and lows in all aspects of our lives together, we've been there for each other and had mainly great times. I know my parents will be upset as will hers and I know that this will be the most difficult thing I have ever done. Despite all this I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this is the right thing to do. We have lived together in house/apartment shares for pretty much all of our time together, but have only moved in, just the two of us, a year ago, though this has nothing to do with the breakup.

I realise I am going to hurt her badly no matter what I say. I am a caring guy and love her deeply and so I want to do my best to look after her during what will be a difficult time for both of us.

We don't have a large circle of friends but the few we do have are good ones, but we are each others best friends. We live in a one bedroon apartment which we both love but I know we will need to move etc. I also realise that this won't happen for a while, until we are both able to face it, being apart as well as sharing with other people again! I also do not want to move out immediately after breaking the news as that would be both strange, after so long together, and I don't think I could cope with the idea of her being alone there either.

I have so many questions I'm not sure where to start! I suppose I need to know what people would advise are the best things to do. Any help at all would be appreciated.

Thanks all.

AS

randomman

as someone coming from a similar situation, broke up with ex after 5 yrs last December all I can say is best of luck - but make sure that this is what you want before going any further. This step you are about to take will turn your life upside down and when you tell your gf that this is what you want to do there will be no going back even if you want to.. Maybe consider other options first if you still love the girl and there are no serious problems.. anyway hope it all works out for the best....

Little-Devil

If is this has crossed your mind before and you had doubts, then there's not much point in denying it much further and its not fair on you and your girlfriend. What ever you say to her is going to hurt as you have both being throuh so much having both high's and low's. I suspect she probably has noticed that there is probably something wrong with you, if its being giving you sleelpless nights over the past 2weeks. The end of the day she going to be upset and may probably lash out, which is understandable as she wont be expecting this and will be upset. I think the end of the day if your honest and up front she will respect you for it in the long run, maybe not at first cause she will be upset but give it time. I think living together and going to this wedding in july may prove more diffcult then you think, but i could be wrong.

I would'nt put off much longer as you dont want to pass this to the back of your mind again and feel the same in another few months. Just tell her out straight and be honest which is all you can do, not going to be easy, especially being together so long, but if your having doubts about it now and before and in the past then your best of for both sides. You may not think it now, but you will probably have regrets about it after a few days or weeks, but in time you will know you made the right decision. You may only need to break for a short-time and could get back together, but only you know.

best of luck, keep us posted with a update..

Crea

Hi,

As the person who was the dumpee I would advise to break up and then move out asap. If you don't she may take it that you're not really sure and there may be some hope for the relationship. Also, you being around will make it more difficult for her to grieve. Added to this there is a high likelyhood of ex-sex which will further add to the confusion.
Her friends will rally around and make sure that she is fine so don't worry about her being alone - although I suspect you are worried about you being alone too.
It's a really tough thing to do and I respect you for making the break instead of letting things plod along. She will feel this was in time.
Also, don't go to the wedding, it's obviously more her friend than yours. Let her this time with her family without adding to her pain of having to deal with you.

secret_squirrel

One of my friends was in your situation.

He moved out pretty much straight away.

Its the best thing to do, and also the decent thing to do.

He paid the his share of the morgage until everything was settled.

You need to make a clean break - still living together is not fair on either of you.

Plus there will be always the temptation to have a number of temporary reconcilliations.

It will be messy enough as it is, dont make it any messier.

Beruthiel

AdviceSeeker wrote:

We live in a one bedroon apartment which we both love but I know we will need to move etc. I also realise that this won't happen for a while, until we are both able to face it,being apart as well as sharing with other people again! I also do not want to move out immediately after breaking the news as that would be both strange, after so long together, and I don't think I could cope with the idea of her being alone there either

Speaking from experience, my advice woud be don't string it out.
Move out asap, the pain of it all is in your face and the longer you live together the worse it will get.
You think you are doing each other a favour by living together afterwards, that will not be the case.

I suppose I need to know what people would advise are the best things to do

A clean break is best, you are both going to be upset for a while, time and space from each other is what's needed. The quicker you do that, the sooner you will start to get over each other.
None of that is easy, best of luck.

Lust4Life

Many many years ago ( like 15 years!)I went through a similar thing.
Was living with fiance. Fould out he was unfaithful.
I had no money stashed away so I could not afford to move out right away.
That month was pure hell!
He would stay out all night and I knew where he was staying but had no say because I broke it off and chose to stay until I had the cash.
Also, during that month normal tasks like housework made me extra bitter - cleaning up his messes. And answering the phone was totally the worst! People not knowing what was up, asking if he was there, me saying no, them asking well where is he? Me saying I don't know and I don't care. It was awful!!!!!!!!!

So if you're going to do it, have the cash handy in advance - maybe pay her rent through the month and have enough for you to land somewhere! That way you know you didn't leave her financially strapped as well as emotionally strapped!

So that's my tale of woe. Learn from it what you will. It all turned out for the best, though. I met my hubby soon after. Been togeher ever since!

Oh! And I ran into the EX on New Years Eve this year. I was dressed to the nines and he looked like a hobo! Eat your heart out!!!!!!:D

LegacyUser

Sincere thanks to all those who have offered their thoughts and feeling on this so far.

This is really starting to tear me apart. My girlfriend has, as someone suggested, noticed that I am outta sorts and I think she knows what it may be. I'm doing my best to reassure her without saying too much that I may regret later but she is pushing me to talk to her.

I know that I shouldn't tell her until the time is right, e.g. not after a night of drinking! I think a Friday evening is a good time as it will give us the weekend together to discuss things, for her to be angry and for both of us to be upset without having to worry about work etc. too. I could easily get upset right now just thinking about how much this is gonna hurt her and worrying about how this is all gonna work out.

Miss Fluff

Hey AdviceSeeker. I was with a guy for 6 years, lived with him for most also, late 20s and had to find the courage to break it off. Not easy, know completely where you are coming from. We were best mates also and incredibly close. I would say that no time is a good time necessarily so don't wait for a "right time"...there is never a right time IMO. Not suggesting you prolong the inevitable either but make sure that you personally are ready for it too. PM me if you like. Good luck

edanto

I'm doing my best to reassure her without saying too much that I may regret later but she is pushing me to talk to her.

By the way, is the reason for the breakup a collection of problems that you have talked about and can't fix or will this news be a surprise to her?

I guess what I'm saying is why don't you talk to her about the way you're feeling and if that conversation leads to a break-up, well so be it. Or do you not want to give her a chance to try and change your mind?

LegacyUser

edanto wrote:

...why don't you talk to her about the way you're feeling and if that conversation leads to a break-up, well so be it. Or do you not want to give her a chance to try and change your mind?

Edanto, I suppose the there are many reasons for the breakup but mainly it is the way I feel about the relationship. I suppose what I mean is I feel that we are not compatible on a life-long basis. We rarely disagree but there are one or two things that we fundamentally don't see eye-to-eye on. At the moment it doesn't really matter and people can change. My concern is that in another 6 years things won't have changed and we'll both be in the same situation but another 6 years older.

I also know that I could be convinced quite easily to push any ill-feeling that I may have about the relationship to the back of my mind for another while and continue on. We have a great relationship, have great fun and so I know that I could do this but I also know that I will get this "it's time to end this now" feeling again just further down the road when it will be even more difficult than before.

Reading this post back to myself I wonder who I am trying to convince, you or me?...

Miss Fluff

AdviceSeeker wrote:

We rarely disagree but there are one or two things that we fundamentally don't see eye-to-eye on.

How fundamental are these issues? What don't you agree on?

Dreamer 7

Are you just bored, is there anythig you can work on, imo it seems like ur v hesitiant to take this step, not because of the chaos it will cause, but i dont think ur 100% certain you wanna do this.
A move like this is irreversable be careful! But deep down if its not for you, you have to leave

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote:

How fundamental are these issues? What don't you agree on?

Miss Fluff, we are, I suppose, quite different people is some ways, I'm an optimist, always see the best in people etc. while my girlfriend would be more of a pessimist, glass is half empty sorta person. I actually think that while this can lead to some silly little arguements we ultimately help each other by balancing each other out but sometimes I wonder... Although this is not that fundamental.

The real fundamental issue is, and I think about this from time to time and this is a "time", I would like to get married at some stage and my girlfriend doesn't (although I have insisted when we had discussed this that it is not an issue for me) but more importantly she doesn't want to have children. In the beginning when she said this I thought and said "time will change your mind" but 6 years later she still says the same. She has also said, as recently as last week, that this issue will be the end of us. Now we both adore kids, we goo and gaa at babies all the time but she will often remind me, when we do this, that she still doesn't want any of her own.

I often think that it is silly of me to even think about these things now but it sometimes eats away at me. It's not even that I want children tomorrow or anything like that but the fact that it has been ruled out disturbs me.

I am just feeling so bad and it's getting worse. I'm feeling at my wits end. I could just break down and cry thinking about it. I know she will go to pieces when I tell her and that makes me not want to say anything...

Vegeta

you're coming up on the 7 year itch my friend. I hope you don't do it and you guys work it out. Give it another chance man, don't do anything too soon.

I hate hearing of long term couples breaking up.

I am only 23 and have been with my girlfriend 7 years. There were times when we were very close to finished over things we disagreed on but I am so happy not to have ended it because it has only improved in the last 3 years.

EDIT: just saw the thing about kids and getting married, well then maybe you should talk to her about this and tell her exactly how you feel, no being nice for her sake, say it as simply as I want kids and you don't so we are not going to last unless one of us changes

edanto

It seems like you've got quite a good thing, in ways, a strong relationship, a lot of fun, a lot of time.

I asked you those questions just to find out if there was something about her that's just eating you up inside and you want to get away from her as fast as you can or if it's just the seven year itch.

I'm very much a silver lining guy, but I'm not going to try to convince you to 'give it another go' or any craic like that. It's your decision.

I'd suggest talking about it to someone much older that you're close to - ideally someone married and see if they think that the "one or two things that we fundamentally don't see eye-to-eye on" are the kind of things that a relationship can never survive. Or what.

Really, if you're unhappy now, then there are no more questions to be asked, end it. But if you're both happy now, I guess I'm just finding it a bit hard to see why?

EDIT; Well, now that I've seen your post it's a bit clearer! That does sound like a pretty irreconcilable difference - the last thing you would want to do is pressure her into having children. You could still say it to her - that this is something that is making you desperately unhappy and giving you doubts about the future. Is that unfair, is that too much pressure?

EDIT2; Also, I think you made a mistake in misrepresenting what you really wanted whenever you guys had that marraige talk. 'Always be clear about what you want' - take that with you into this next, difficult discussion with her.

LegacyUser

AdviceSeeker wrote:

These doubts have been there before, but I always managed to push past them. We have been through many highs and lows in all aspects of our lives together, we've been there for each other and had mainly great times. I know my parents will be upset as will hers and I know that this will be the most difficult thing I have ever done.

Seriously, thing long and hard about this. It WILL effect you more than you could ever know. I broke up with my bf after 7 years and now regret it deeply.....its too late for us now but it is the one thing I will regret for the rest of my life. Whatever is troubling you try to work it out, get counsilling, take a job away from her for a while to clear your head but please dont do this unless you are sure its what you want.

AdviceSeeker wrote:

I realise I am going to hurt her badly no matter what I say. I am a caring guy and love her deeply and so I want to do my best to look after her during what will be a difficult time for both of us. We don't have a large circle of friends but the few we do have are good ones, but we are each others best friends.

You do still love her and chances are you will never feel *this way* about anyone else again. You'll meet other people but you'll never have with anyone else what you have with her. You are each other's best friend! That is 50% of any relationship. You are already ahead of the game with that.

What is really going on here? Do you want a chance to live a little apart from her for a while? Do you feel stuck in a rut? You described a very loving, tightly knit, solid relationship and you are not happy for some reason. Try to work on what is bothering you instead of throwing away what most people would envy.

I cant stress to you enough how your life is going to be effected by this. You will never be friends with her again. No matter how much you try to keep in touch you'll loose her as a friend and eventually you will both move on and that will be it. Are you ready for that? There is alot more to breaking up with your best friend than just ending the physical relationship.

BoozyBabe

edanto wrote:

Really, if you're unhappy now, then there are no more questions to be asked, end it. But if you're both happy now, I guess I'm just finding it a bit hard to see why?

Sometimes you just know that things aren't / won't be right deep down.

Been there, done that.

Going out with my bf for 5 years. Best friends, good laugh, rarely argued, loved each other dearly, enjoyed the same things, yada, yada, yada......

We also had a few 'fundamental differences' on which I had no doubt there were no compromises.

But the hardship is, how do you give up on something that is good now because it won't be sometime way in the future. How do you decide today is the day, sure it can wait until tomorrow, etc....

If you know in your heart what I knew, then you just have to do it, no point holding out any longer, you'll only wreck your head even more (trust me, I waited for the right time for well well over a year:eek: )


If it's any consolation, after getting through the initial mending period, I've never been so happy in all my life.

Gut instincts are there for a reason, listen to them.

Jeez, just read your fundamental differences!!!!!
How alike are we!

That was also my problem.
I would like to get married in the future, he didn't really, but would go through with it for the sake of me??????
But, I definitely wanted children, he never ever did, & even told me if I got pregnant that he didn't think he could stay with me (even after 5 years!!! :eek: )

Finding out you & your long term partner are pregnant, is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life, I just kept imagining if it were to happen to me, & what I'd be faced with, even just his reaction would have been enough, so I knew it was time to leave.

It's hard, but it has to be done

LegacyUser

Apologies for my earlier post, i didnt see Ops post about gf not wanting marraige and kids.

Yeah this is a tough one, she may change her mind. She is still quite young.
I think you need to go with your gut instinct. You know her better than anyone, if its a definite No, then perhaps you should move on, but be clear to her why you are breaking ups os he is under no illusion that you can get back together.

LegacyUser

I don't know what to say except that I wich to express my deepest gatitude to all those who are really trying to understand my situation and offer the best advice they can. I realise it is difficult to climb into someone elses shoes under these circumstances.

I have been through many things in life, family illness, tragic deaths and all sorts, some on-going, some long past but not forgotten but this is really causing me untold heartache, the likes of which I have never felt before. At times I know, without doubt, what I must do and at other times I am truly overwelmed by my lack of conviction... In my head I'm screaming "HELP"!

LegacyUser

Speaking as someone who is coming from the other side (9 year relationship, broke up several times, nearly married twice) I would reccomend that you two try relationship counselling...we were also in a rut, though in our case I would treat him badly he would treat me well, he would have enough, then I would treat him well and he would treat me badly, though there were short times when we were both on the same frequency and they were wonderful...I would give anything to try and establish a proper relationship with him but he feels it may be too late and it is hard to change after all this time but you two are only 6 years down the line, give it a try. I do not know if you will be able to get through to her but I think that you will feel better looking back knowing that you did everything to save it. I would give anything to be given a chance to fix my relationship.

LegacyUser

I have just read through all of the posts and I really feel for you, I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years almost 2 years ago now and I have to say I do doubt what I did and at times I regret it deeply. We, like you, had a great relationship most of the time, had loads of fun and loved each other so so much...the problem was I used to talk about moving in together and getting married / having kids etc..and he used to just go quiet, he never actually came out and said he didnt want them etc but I knew. I thought about it for a long time and had myself convinced that he would change his mind but I suppose if Im honest I knew he never would. I tried not to think about it and tell myself everything would be ok but in the end I decided that I wasn't going to change my mind about wanting all those things and I wasn't willing to give up my life plans/hopes because of him. I knew I loved him so much but at the same time I knew it wasnt enough and it had to end.
Breaking up with him was the worst, most traumatic time of my life. We were both devasted and I thought I would never get over it....
I think about him a lot, we have both moved on, not that long ago mind you, and we have new partners, but he will always be in my heart.
I think that you have to think about what you want from your life, if you really want kids / marriage and your gf defo doesn't then I really dont think there is any questions to be asked!
I hope that all goes well for you and that whatever decision you make makes you happy in the future.
Honesty is the best policy on this score, she will respect you a hell of a lot more if you sit down and talk to her now rather than leave it for another while and stay acting weird!
Best of luck, things will get easier I promise!!!

Miss Fluff

AdviceSeeker wrote:

The real fundamental issue is, and I think about this from time to time and this is a "time", I would like to get married at some stage and my girlfriend doesn't (although I have insisted when we had discussed this that it is not an issue for me) but more importantly she doesn't want to have children. In the beginning when she said this I thought and said "time will change your mind" but 6 years later she still says the same. She has also said, as recently as last week, that this issue will be the end of us.

Maybe the writing is on the wall for her? If she said this as recently as last week, it would appear that by saying this she's essentially saying she won't budge on the issue.

Don't want to go off on a tangent here but my boyfriend of 6 years proposed 3 times and wanted us to have kids and I always said no. Now marriage and kids is something I would like some day but I realised that if I didn't want that with him, I essentially didn't want him.

Not saying your girlfriend is like this though. If this was to be taken out of the equation for a moment, would you consider staying with her? I mean is this the MAIN reason you want to break up with her or just a contributing factor?

Beruthiel

AdviceSeeker wrote:

I would like to get married at some stage and my girlfriend doesn't (although I have insisted when we had discussed this that it is not an issue for me) but more importantly she doesn't want to have children....

if ye both have such conflicting views on what you want from life, then there is no way around this one. I don't see how it can be fixed.
You say you are overwelmed by lack of conviction, but if the above views are solid, there is nothing more to think about and you have to finish with her, for both your sakes.

edanto

Yeah, if you guys have just been over this ground, then she'll probably suspect what is bothering you.

Originally, you were looking for advice about how and when to break up - I'd say start a chat about it tonight. As to the how, talk about your dreams for a family and how it breaks your heart to know that she doesn't want to be part of one with you.

I hope you guys are okay.

LegacyUser

edanto wrote:

...Originally, you were looking for advice about how and when to break up - I'd say start a chat about it tonight. As to the how, talk about your dreams for a family and how it breaks your heart to know that she doesn't want to be part of one with you...

I've found myself writing what I can't really say to anyone else and I think that it is enabling me to organise my thoughts to some degree. When I originally posted I was sure, then I'll doubt myself and now once again I have a sense of "doing the right thing". I need somewhere that I can articulate my thoughts and maybe gain a little insight from someone who may have experienced similar or someone who can offer objective advice.

We have been over this fundamental issue before. It is very close to my heart and our discussions have even ventured into the philosophical reasons for having children. Untimately we always decided not to get into it as it was either the wrong place or time and put coming to any sort of conclusion on the long finger.

I have doubts, I'm questioning myself and my reasons, is this issue just some sort of excuse for something that I want to do rather than need to do? I can't emphasise enough how worried I am about how this will affect my girlfriend, not just immediately but also long term. Am I about to rob her of any trust she may have in herself or anyone else who she may try and form a relationship with in the future?

I am so scared that what I'm about to do is wrong, wrong for me, wrong for her, despite my gut feeling, maybe I'm just looking for reassurance...

nitrogen

AdviceSeeker wrote:

The real fundamental issue is, and I think about this from time to time and this is a "time", I would like to get married at some stage and my girlfriend doesn't (although I have insisted when we had discussed this that it is not an issue for me) but more importantly she doesn't want to have children.

I think this is the ice-breaker and it seems you're sure on this. I would be of similar mind to yourself about having children, the relationship is leading down a cul-de-sac if both partners see differently on this issue. I just hope it isn't too better, best of luck.

nitrogen

Someone said here, have a deep serious talk with her. Bring all these things up, if it ends then, it ends. But, you have to voice these concerns to her about havings children and marriage.

Miss Fluff

AdviceSeeker wrote:

Am I about to rob her of any trust she may have in herself or anyone else who she may try and form a relationship with in the future?

I am so scared that what I'm about to do is wrong, wrong for me, wrong for her, despite my gut feeling, maybe I'm just looking for reassurance...

None of us has a crystal ball unfortunately

However, you can't stay with someone for fear of hurting them or out of pity. That's plain cruel and you'd end up hating her.

It took me nearly an ENTIRE YEAR thinking these thoughts before finally being able to do it. Those last few months were terrible, I grieved for the relationship while still in it. A very lonely time but then as soon as it was over, it was over for me. Make sure you are ready but again, don't prolong it either. To be honest, it sounds like she has a fair idea.

homeOwner

JPSL wrote:

I have just read through all of the posts and I really feel for you, I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years almost 2 years ago now and I have to say I do doubt what I did and at times I regret it deeply. We, like you, had a great relationship most of the time, had loads of fun and loved each other so so much...the problem was I used to talk about moving in together and getting married / having kids etc..and he used to just go quiet, he never actually came out and said he didnt want them etc but I knew. I thought about it for a long time and had myself convinced that he would change his mind but I suppose if Im honest I knew he never would. I tried not to think about it and tell myself everything would be ok but in the end I decided that I wasn't going to change my mind about wanting all those things and I wasn't willing to give up my life plans/hopes because of him. I knew I loved him so much but at the same time I knew it wasnt enough and it had to end.
Breaking up with him was the worst, most traumatic time of my life. We were both devasted and I thought I would never get over it....
I think about him a lot, we have both moved on, not that long ago mind you, and we have new partners, but he will always be in my heart.
I think that you have to think about what you want from your life, if you really want kids / marriage and your gf defo doesn't then I really dont think there is any questions to be asked!
I hope that all goes well for you and that whatever decision you make makes you happy in the future.
Honesty is the best policy on this score, she will respect you a hell of a lot more if you sit down and talk to her now rather than leave it for another while and stay acting weird!
Best of luck, things will get easier I promise!!!

This sounds like it was written by me almost down to every last detail! For a second I thought i'd posted and forgotten.

JPSL i hope things are going better for you now. I still cry, 2.5 years later. But it does get easier.

BoozyBabe

I'm also amazed at how many stories here sound exactly like I went through as well!!

I'm starting to wonder if Miss Fluff is actually me in a parallel universe

Miss Fluff

BoozyBabe wrote:

I'm also amazed at how many stories here sound exactly like I went through as well!!

I'm starting to wonder if Miss Fluff is actually me in a parallel universe

Well I'm definitely boozy, and definitely a babe

I know what you mean though, A LOT of people have been through a similar experience. I found too that no matter how kind people were, and how much advice I got, I still couldn't help but feel like I was being torn apart. It's not an easy decision to come to and emotionally it was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. Essentially what this guy wants to do is finish with someone he still loves dearly. It's just really sad

LegacyUser

homeOwner wrote:

This sounds like it was written by me almost down to every last detail! For a second I thought i'd posted and forgotten.

JPSL i hope things are going better for you now. I still cry, 2.5 years later. But it does get easier.

Yea its weird to cry over something that is gone so long, sometimes just hearing an old song or smelling an old smell starts me off! I suppose you can't be with someone for such a long time and just 'get over it', I think you get past it, move on so to speak but when you experience true love it never leaves your heart entirely! We can find someone who we may love more or just as much but if someone ever captures you heart they own a place there forever!!

LegacyUser

nitrogen wrote:

...have a deep serious talk with her. Bring all these things up, if it ends then, it ends...

I'm scared that such a discussion could end up sounding like an ultimatum and I don't want my girlfriend to feel cornered by me. I have never wanted to face this and have continually either said "she'll change her mind", which she still may do, or that it doesn't matter. But it does matter and like I said before in another 6 years we may be no closer to agreeing that we both want this. I want her to want to have children with me.. not just because I want to.

This is an issue that is huge for me but my underlying feeling, depite how difficult it is to say this, is that our time is over. It is this feeling that has, to some degree, made me re-evaluate our relationship and this issue again.

Right now I'm feeling strong about my decision and I'm thinking we'll just figure out how we'll cope as we go, although I know I'll waver again and be close to tears again as I have been most of the day.

I often think of times when I was much younger, growing up and thinking about what my life and loves held in store. Now, surprisingly, huge parts are how I imagined, real true love, that feeling of elation along with great passion and understanding but I never imagined the hard parts being quite this heart wrenchingly painful... I suppose no one does!

Miss Fluff

Good luck mate, don't envy you. Hope it goes well and let us know how you go okay?:)

LegacyUser

A very big thank you to you all, I hope I can come back and let you know where this has all led. AS

X-SL

"Gut instincts are there for a reason, listen to them."

People often have the gut instinct to cross the road cause they might have a chance. This can cause accidents and turn out bad.

The person who waits and thinks will get across the road safetly

LegacyUser

'First off, I've thought mant times of coming back to let those of you who offered me advise when I sought it know what came of this whole situation but I have only now been able to do it.

On March 17th of this year I broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years. However I originally spoke to her at the end of the Summer. We talked and I told her of my wish to end our relationship due to my fears that we would ultimately break up anyway as we wanted different things. However resolved to work on things and decided to go to counseling which we did for 4 months or so In the end, while the resolution was simply to not let things in the future mess up what was essentially a good relationship, I couldn't let it go and I couldn't let another 7 years pass-by to find ourselves in the same situation.

I had become disheartened and isolated with my desire to move forward & have what I wanted from life. I had fallen a little out of love and knew that I needed to make positive steps no matter how negative they would appear to be for some time.

On March 17th at the worst time when I least expected to I told my girlfriend that I no longer saw a future for us. We didn't move out immediately & didn't tell many of our friends and family for some time. I was heartbroken but finally I had a conclusion to my unrest and peace of mind to a large degee. It has been terrible, at times the sense of loss has been overwhelming. I still feel huge guilt for the wrong I did, my inability to hold things together and retain a large sense of failure. It is better, much better but I still feel a little lost & scared of how I can move on with someone else. However I know I will...

We no longer talk and haven't for the past month but at the minute I think that is the best thing for both of us and hope that we'll be able to salvage some form of friendship in the future from a relationship that I may never totally get over for it touched every part of my life.

Finally thank you to all those who did take an interest here, at my lowest ebb when I had no one else to turn to this place was like a sliver of light in a darkened room...'

Beruthiel

Sounds to me like you did everything to try and make it work but in the end came to the right decision.

AdviseSeeker wrote:

I may never totally get over for it touched every part of my life.

Though it may seem that way now, you will get over it you know.
Time passes, your life will move on, in the future you will find someone else, and suddenly it will be wonderful again. You will realise that in order to get to this point in your life the past had to happen as it did. That might not make much sense to you now, but it will later.

For now, keep busy and enjoy your life, you made the right decision and will realise that in the future.
Thanks for coming back and letting us know how it turned out, best of luck.

LegacyUser

Some might think this a little crazy but in a moment of reflection I thought of these posts, what I wrote and how I felt at that time. Mainly because the subject of the posts, my ex-girlfriend, came up in conversation. That is to say we were in conversation. So I decided to post another update on what came of all of this.

About a year after ultimately breaking up, my ex-girlfriend and I met and attempted to build a friendship from what was once so much more. We hadn't talked in the intervening time. That was, at times, almost unbearable.

Many, I am sure, will identify with what this was. A great love. Life offers many things, great things, things that will come into and, in time, will move out of your life once more. Some will be fleeting, some will leave their mark, while other will stay a life-time. This relationship left it's mark and sits somewhere in the middle as I don't think it can ever completely leave my life.

Thankfully, after some time, I meet someone else. Someone I knew before actually. We talked. Then we traveled to meet each other as often as we could. Then we managed to be living in the same place, at the same time. After some time we started living together. Now she's my wife. We got married in 2012. She is my great love. We have a daughter now too. I feel complete.

I'll meet my ex-girlfriend again in the new year. We had lunch regularly until she moved away with her new boyfriend and she's happy. We have great conversations when we meet, we connect and feel connected.

I can still think of the times that I wrote of here, the turmoil that I felt. Deep down, when I search, I can still feel little shards of the hurt and distress that I inflicted. Time marches on. I have all I could have wished for...