Jealousy

LegacyUser

My boyfriend was talking to a very attractive lady saturday night, according to him, friendly banter, but I went ballistic.

I am a little insecure about my looks. I cant understand why he is interested in me, when he could have someone like her. He doesnt understand this.

Am really upset for arguing with him about this. Im worried that it will become a turn off. Does anyone have any advice, please?

Wing Walker

He was just talking to her. You can't shoot the guy for that.

He obviously wants to be with you for a reason. Whether it's looks, personality or whatever, you have to accept that you're the one that he wants to be with.

We're all insecure at some point in our lives. Some more so than others. But fighting with him about this kind of stuff isn't going to help. You just need to talk to him and explain fully what issues you have. If he can't grasp the general thrust of it all then you may have a problem.

And yes, putting yourself down could become a turn off. You've just gotta develop a little confidence in your looks and abilities.

Best of luck with him.

Sangre

You went ballistic because he was talking to another girl? Right....
Acting like that is a huge turn-off and such severe jealous will push most guys in a early relationship away.

Ruu_Old

We all get jealous sometimes but you will have to overcome this or its not going to work out with you two. Best of luck with the relationship.

Mick L

There are two problems with this,

1. Insecurity - Its not a turn on, you don't want him to feel like he has to tip toe around you in case he hurts your feelings, but obviously he'll want to take into account that you feel that way somtimes. As the relationship grows that'll get easier.

2. Trust - If you blow up in his face because he talks to another girl what does that say to him about how much you trust him?


Jealousy is natural everyone feels it at some stage. It's how you deal with it that counts. I'd say apologise if you feel that bad and tell him its only because you like him so much or something like that

EWheelChair

Howdydody wrote:

Im worried that it will become a turn off. Does anyone have any advice, please?

No need to worry about it becoming a turn off, i can guarentee you it already is. So many girls are like this and i can't stand it and i know many of my mates have fallen out with girlfriends for the same thing.

Start to trust your boyfriend, if you can't do that then you're wasting your time being in that relationship to begin with.

Húrin

Howdydody wrote:

My boyfriend was talking to a very attractive lady saturday night, according to him, friendly banter, but I went ballistic.

I am a little insecure about my looks. I cant understand why he is interested in me, when he could have someone like her. He doesnt understand this.

Did you ever consider that attraction is not just about appearances? Contrary to stereotypes, for men attraction is just as much, if not more about personality than looks.

Zulu

...a big thread on this last week. Perhaps you should read it.

oulu

Wake up every morning look in the mirror and tell that person you see that she is beautiful and a great person, you know you have the problem not your fellow so talk about your issue's and if it really only gets bad when you drink, then you know what you have to do then,

Strokesfan

I was a crazed jealous girl before, I used to give daggers to any girls he was talking to and give him hell. It is totally down to feelings of inadequecy. However it is very destructive as well as being a horrible feeling. Some girls see your jealousy and feel almost good about themselves that you consider them a threat. You must hide jealousy totally and learn to control it. It is so easy to wind yourself up (and we girls can do this very well). The best approach to make is a CHARM OFFENSIVE. Smile, be confident, act like you have nothing to worry about, shake her hand if you haven't met her before, crack a joke, join in - be really nice (not necessarily fake nice), talk to her etc. You have to allow him to have female friends but you can watch out for signs of disrespectful flirting and if it's spending half an hour talking to a girl at the bar while leaving you sitting on your own, well, that's just not nice so tell him so. Maybe he feels that if he flirts, you will see how lucky you are to have him (he might be insecure). Your instincts should tell you if he wants to be with you so tone down any obvious jealousy!
If you think he's cheating - that's a different story with different answers.

kittenkiller

Not to sound harsh, really, but cop on to yourself!
Only really messed up people want to be with people who are so down on themselves. If you can't see what your bf sees in you then you just have to trust that he does see something in you & he's happy with that.

Could you imagine if he was going on about how awful he is & constantly asking for reassurance?
You'd go mad in no time!
And then after that you'd start to question why you're with him too.

Confidence is sexy.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.
A lot of them make a lot of sense.

I took some of the advice and spoke to him last night.

He agreed that he could do a bit more. I agreed not to drink, at least not for another while, until I can control this.

One thing though, and Im not sure how to react to it, I don’t even know why he said this, but he said that once, within the first couple of months of us going out, that he had been tempted by someone else, but that he didn’t do anything, that he didn’t want to.

I didn’t blow up or bawl like a baby or anything, I just said thanks for being so honest and telling me. That I appreciated his honesty (yeah I know, was biting my tongue - sooooo hard).

Now I think about it, Im not sure how to react. How would you react if a loved one said that they were tempted by someone else? Does it prove that I can or cant trust him even more?

justsomebloke

Howdydody wrote:

Does it prove that I can or cant trust him even more?

i think that proves you can't trust him, any man that finds another women extremely attractive and decides that he is not going to do anything about it cause he is in a loving relationship that he doesn't want to jeapordize with someone he prefers should not be trusted, men like that make me sick and give the rest of us a bad name

LegacyUser

Im afraid that I dont understand your reply. Are you being sarcastic or serious? Am upset here about this, dont think that I merit getting the urine extracted out of me. Am trying my best.

justsomebloke

HowdyDody wrote:

Im afraid that I dont understand your reply. Are you being sarcastic or serious? Am upset here about this, dont think that I merit getting the urine extracted out of me. Am trying my best.

sorry about that, no offence meant, of course i was being sarcastiic. What i was just trying to highlight though was that yous where in a new relationship as yous had only been going out a couple of months so there was no real commitment there at that point so if something better came along he would of been right to go along with i. However he didn't and he chose you. You however don't know whether to to take this as a sign of you should trust him or not.

If you can't decide whether to trust him more or not cause of this that is up to you. All I will say is there are 2 people in this relationship and he is going to be making up his own mind based on how you react to this. If you react badly to it he may just decide to hell with it, if you aren't going to trust him anyway he might aswell be doing something to warrant that mistrust

kittenkiller

Be glad he was honest with you & appreciate that he didn't do anything to hurt you.
I'm sure most people are tempted now and again & enjoy the flattery of someone else showing an interest in them, but he didn't give in & that's really good.
It sets him apart from most of the guys who post threads anon here!

Take it as a compliment. He'd obviously rather be with you & maybe that's why he told you about it.

Sleep easy tonight chicken!

Static M.e.

I cant understand why he is interested in me, when he could have someone like her

Definatly watch it if I were you, a jealous GF is fine at first (ahh she really likes me..) but then it very quickly turns into "Time to ditch the crazy GF time" I had a gf once tell me I couldn't talk to my brothers GF (of about 5 years+ she was like family) because it made her jealous, she wrecked my head about it, then another night I wasn't "allowed" to talk to my sisters friends.. so this time I had a little heart to heart with her and told her she basically wasn't welcome anymore. Too Crazy, why bother.

He doesnt understand this.

Maybe its you who doesnt understand. He likes you end of story, be happy, get married, have kids!! etc etc

The whole feeling sorry for yourself all the time gets annoying too after a while. Honestly if he thought you were ugly he wouldnt be going out with you, end of story.

Apologise for giving out to him, and dont let it happen again would be my advice. Also have more confidence in yourself, enough people in the world will put you down you dont need to help them in any way.

The Sweeper

Howdydody wrote:

How would you react if a loved one said that they were tempted by someone else? Does it prove that I can or cant trust him even more?

He probably told you in the first place to try and make you feel more secure - he was tempted but didn't act on it.

As for whether you can trust him because he was tempted in the first place - start thinking like that and you might as well go live in a cave.

AOR

Howdydody wrote:

My boyfriend was talking to a very attractive lady saturday night, according to him, friendly banter, but I went ballistic.

I am a little insecure about my looks. I cant understand why he is interested in me, when he could have someone like her. He doesnt understand this.

Am really upset for arguing with him about this. Im worried that it will become a turn off. Does anyone have any advice, please?

arrrggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!

neuro-praxis

It might be worth going to counselling for a little bit...I know that sounds drastic but it's really not. You would have a chance to work through your insecurities which, I suspect, run quite deep.

You don't sound like you believe anyone could love you whole-heartedly. You need to change that outlook. In the meantime, just do your best to be rational and mature about his friendships with other women. He obviously cares about you and, in my opinion, is quite trustworthy.

hairyfairy00

Communication is the probably the most important aspect in any relationship, so you did the right thing by talking to him about how you felt. The fact that he told you that he was tempted before shows that he feels that he can trust you and that he is very comfortable with you and your relationship. A lot of couples don't talk to each other about problems and normally this is their downfall.

Strokesfan

Howdydody wrote:

One thing though, and Im not sure how to react to it, I don’t even know why he said this, but he said that once, within the first couple of months of us going out, that he had been tempted by someone else, but that he didn’t do anything, that he didn’t want to.

You missed the point babe, he was trying to get the point across to you that he wouldn't even if he was tempted cos he sees something more in you... Honestly it sounds all good, you focused on the wrong part of what he was saying...
Don't drive him away! Ye'l be fine I bet

vibe666

funnily enough, a guy that i work with came in on monday complaining because his g/f went ballistic at him talking to another girl in front of her on saturday night.

it really bothered him that his g/f was so jealous of something like that when he wasn't even aware of this other girl as anything other than somoene asking him a question.

his g/f was right there in front of him he swears he was just talking, and in a lads only environment he would have said if it was anything different (bravado and all that).

you have to learn to trust him, and if you can't then it's either because he's not trustworthy or because you aren't a trusting person. either way it's not going to work unless you can work it out.

tell him how you feel, but i know what he's going to say. the same thing i would. he's with you, not her and that's for a reason. whether or not on face value alone she is more attractive than you means nothing compared to a loving long term relationship. when you look at the person you love you don't see what other people on the street see, you see right into them. surface looks can't compete with that and the majority of the time the more attractive someone is on the outside the less attractive they are on the inside (not always tho;)).

LegacyUser

Hi guys thanks again for all the replies.

Am doing my best to take a backseat from all of this, think he might be too.

I went walking last night with some mates. When I got back he sent me a message saying “hey babe how was your day?”.

I replied I was great and asked if he wanted to meet up (we have been together/stayed together almost every week night since we met).

I didn’t get a reply, so I rang him and he said that he was tired and a bit grumpy. So I said no problem (would really liked to have seen him but shur…..). Was kind of thinking maybe he wanted a bit of space. So a few minutes after hanging up, I text him and said “Love you”. He txt back “I know you do and I love you too. Sleep tight”.

I just want it to go back to the way it was before all this crazy nonsense. Am petrified that he wont want to see me tonight. I have really flucked up.

Sandie-B

Howdydody wrote:

I have really flucked up.

No you haven't.

if you guys have been together every night since you met then i would understand him bein a little tired!!

i've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and love spending time with him (our days off and pretty much every evening possible are spent together) but I have to say that when he's working and I don't see him it's the best thing ever coz i get to miss him like crazy!!!! Seeing him after that (usually only a day or 2 mind you!) is like seeing him after months and i just can't wait to kiss him to bits!!

i would highly recommend going out with ur own mates without him (or even sit in a pamper yourself) and let him go out with his mates or do his own thing. This will show and help to build trust on both parts, and it will also give you time to miss each other!

it sounds like you have a really nice guy and like he has a really nice girl, don't throw it away.

Static M.e.

nah your fine, he probably just needs a little space to tidy the house, watch the football etc

He wouldnt text you back if he didnt love you and he certainly wouldnt have sent "How was your day message" before you sent him anything.

Relax, your fine.

LegacyUser

I just scanned down through a few of the replies...didn't read them all.

I can assure you my friend, that as a man, having gone out with such a girl, that it was the only thing that ever made me lose my cool with her. I am serious when I say this - I am the least likely bloke that I know that would ever do the dirt on his girlfriend... and by that I mean I would never spend longer than necessary even talking to another woman, not to mind kiss/sleep with someone else. I have no time for such people. Such bu1 1sh 1t drives me up the walls.

You were wrong to go ballistic (regardless of what girlfriends told you "you did the right thing"... just to support you or whatever). A little jealousy is healthy. Insane jealousy is destructive. It drove me insane, and I eventually just completely lost the head even though there was no other woman involved. And people normally get pi$$ed off with me because I'm too calm and don't get worked up easilly, yet she managed to bring out a side of me that I never knew I had!!

However that's just my story. Sorry but it sounds like you have issues.

turbot

Years ago I dated a girl who in my opinion, and that of most of the other friends I had, was gorgeous. She was one of the prettiest girls I'd gone out with, and I totally fancied her. As far as I was concerned, not only was she head turningly pretty, and had these beautiful soft plump uber kissable lips, she also had many qualities that I really liked in her...

What was interesting was that, over time, her negativity towards herself, totally drove me away from her. We'd lie in bed and I'd be thinking, cool... and she'd start complaining about having fat legs. I kid you not.

At first, I did my best to convince her otherwise, but she was so insistent about it, she practically convinced me. Over time, she literally talked me out of fancying her and I realised at the time.

So to the OP, to answer your question:

1) You've looked at yourself in the mirror every day, and other people may think of you as being hotter than you think of yourself. Remember this.

2) For the sake of sexiness, you should fancy yourself. For me, it's much more fun to be in bed with a girl who is quite good looking and confident, fiesty, teasing, minx who takes her sexiness for granted and flaunts it and ultimately weilds it to rock my world, than someone who is better looking and unduly negative about herself.

3) There are many angles from which you can tackle negative emotions, and all of the following help. Do all of them and you'll be a new you:

- Exercising releases stress

- Stretching releases stress and helps your energy flow and you feel lighter

- Swimming in the sea / having a salt bath / good shower calms you down and to some extent ionises you

- Detoxing helps a lot, as anger has a bio-physiological basis

- Rebirthing is pretty good for releasing such stuff

- Ritually looking after yourself probably helps too

Remember all these things help bring out the best in you, so do them for the sake of your boyfriend, as well as yourself.


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