i miss my mom

LegacyUser

i lost my mother three years ago to a rare disease, that mainly affects young males. i think about her everyday and i wish, i wish so much that she was here today......

im 21 now and when she died, i was preparing to sit my leaving cert.i went back to school fairly soon because i was thinking that i had to do it for her. so im feeling that i never properly mourned her death. it has been entering my head that people found this disrespectful, but it was my way of dealing with it and it has on several occasions such as now brought me to tears thinking that people, will be thinking that i didn't love her, because i did love her... no i do love her ! ! so much ! the slightest reminder of her brings me to tears, like a song she likes of a smell of her perfume, "este lauder". i keep a bottle just for the sent.

i have three sisters who were visable broken hearted over her death and my father was just like them. it entered my head that somebody had to stay strong over it all, and thats what i done!

is there anything wrong in doing that?
do people really think that i didn't love my mother?
i've never talked to anybody about this... i just wanted to say this.

im probably after making no sence, but i needed to say it!

i love my mother and i always will. no matter what anybody says, i no i love her, but people thinking this about me is making me upset !

thanks. MR D

Nevyn

I think you may not have gerived properly and you did what you had to get through.
May I suggest that you orgainse a get together with your family and your siblings to talk about your mother.
Organise a dinner or lunch or even a large pot of tea, drag out the family photos and take the time to talk about growing up and share as many memories as you all can about her and talk and laugh and cry together.

Zillah

I don't really have any advice, but your story struck a cord. I knew a guy who's Mom died when we were in school, and like you he seemed to get back into school and back to life really quickly. I didn't doubt for a second that he was torn up inside but life must go on, especially when there's a leaving cert to be done.

Ah hell, maybe that was you...either way, I think most people would understand. Perhaps some of this worry is your mind's own way of telling you that its time to accept it and grieve.

mysterious

broken hearted wrote:

i lost my mother three years ago to a rare disease, that mainly affects young males. i think about her everyday and i wish, i wish so much that she was here today......

im 21 now and when she died, i was preparing to sit my leaving cert.i went back to school fairly soon because i was thinking that i had to do it for her. so im feeling that i never properly mourned her death. it has been entering my head that people found this disrespectful, but it was my way of dealing with it and it has on several occasions such as now brought me to tears thinking that people, will be thinking that i didn't love her, because i did love her... no i do love her ! ! so much ! the slightest reminder of her brings me to tears, like a song she likes of a smell of her perfume, "este lauder". i keep a bottle just for the sent.

i have three sisters who were visable broken hearted over her death and my father was just like them. it entered my head that somebody had to stay strong over it all, and thats what i done!

is there anything wrong in doing that?
do people really think that i didn't love my mother?
i've never talked to anybody about this... i just wanted to say this.

im probably after making no sence, but i needed to say it!

i love my mother and i always will. no matter what anybody says, i no i love her, but people thinking this about me is making me upset !

thanks. MR D

Man first of all, upmost sympathy to you.

My Mum's parents died trajicallly when she was 16. So I have an idea what it might be like for you. She does things that might amazed or stun me when it comes to remembering her.

One of them was to have a home wit many ornamentals etc, almost identical to what her Mum might of had in her day. There are many more things, but that's just one example. If you feel like crying in front of hundred people don't feel guilty.

Please don't slip into, "people will be thinking this and that of you" you don't know until you actually asked, you'd be surprised as to how many have great admiration for you(which in my mums case). people get on with their own lives, simple as that(harsh to say I know) sooner you accept that you are grieving, will help greatly IMO.

The other part is you obviously haven't had time to grieve properly that is why you can't put words or emotions into place, or you seem to cry without much notice that is a very clear clue that a lot of you is bottled up inside, and I can empathise with this.

I have always wondered how my mother coped and I have asked on many of occaisons, My mum says "you never fully get over it, you learn to live with it." she had grievance councelling when she was 21 and it helped a lot to put a lot of her past behind and to accept that her parents have moved on etc. Like you she had a leaving cert to do, so she never got time to grieve. In fact she reared her whole family at this time as she was the eldest.

One of the things she uses and keeps with her, is never let your mother die for nothing. Do things that you know will make her proud, and it will do you some good too.

Well hope this helps, I do feel for what your going thru.:(

Esel

I'm sure nobody thinks badly of you. You did the right thing, imo. It must have been an incredibly difficult time for you. Your family must have been proud of you. As people said, talk about this issue with your sisters and father.

Do you need to check whether or not this disease might affect you?

Funkstard

There's no way anyone thinks badly of you. People deal with stuff in different ways, and you focused on what was the most important thing to complete at the time - the leaving. If anything people would admire you for being able to get back into the routine of school. I know it could start eating you up inside thinking of what other people could be saying, but don't let it because i)you'll only feel worse and worse and ii)it's simply not true

Rantorama

broken hearted wrote:

i have three sisters who were visable broken hearted over her death and my father was just like them. it entered my head that somebody had to stay strong over it all, and thats what i done!

is there anything wrong in doing that?
do people really think that i didn't love my mother?
i've never talked to anybody about this... i just wanted to say this.

No.

As others have said,NOBODY is thinking you didn't love your mother.


Like you said yourself you went back to school soon after, because you wanted to do it for her.This act itself was thinking of your mum more than yourself.

So sorry for your loss, that is such a young age to lose a parent.
But you should be proud of yourself for the way you coped...not punishing yourself

Also, Thaedydal's reply seems like pretty sound advice.

Black Swan

Thaedydal wrote:

I think you may not have gerived properly and you did what you had to get through.
May I suggest that you orgainse a get together with your family and your siblings to talk about your mother.
Organise a dinner or lunch or even a large pot of tea, drag out the family photos and take the time to talk about growing up and share as many memories as you all can about her and talk and laugh and cry together.

Great observation. Grand suggestion.

ST*

I'm sorry to hear you lost your mum OP.

Firstly, some people deal with the death of a loved one differently than others. I'm quite sure that your family realise you were trying to make your mum proud by putting your head down and passing your exams. There is always someone in the family that handles things the way you did. The one that stays strong, but after a while when everyone else seems to be starting to cope with the death, what has happened becomes overwhelming - and it hits you.

Thaedyals suggestion is a lovely one, and I hope you take her advice.

LegacyUser

Sorry for your loss.

It must have been terrible at your age. I've lost my Mam 3 months ago after a long fight with cancer and I have found things very difficult. One thing I’ve found out is that the grieving process is different for everybody. I have found it hard to accept that my Mam is gone. I think we sometimes hide from the truth as it too hurtful and scary to deal with. But it has to be dealt with eventually or it will keep coming back to you. You were in a very difficult position at the time. Your Mom would have wanted you to carry one and do your exams. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Talk to your family. It is great talk. My Dad and my Sister always listen to me when I'm down. Also it might be worth going to a bereavement counsellor. I have seen one and I found it very helpful. They reassure that what you are going though is normal and that loads of people have the same problem.

Stay Positive and don’t worry, people don't have any weird perceptions of how you felt towards you Mom.

LegacyUser

hey guys,

thanks for all yor advice. i was a bit undecided as to whether i would post or not but seen the responce i got , im glad that i did. i was haveing a hard few days with pressure at work and i just needed to get it off my chest.

i took Thaedydal advice and we spent most of last night with my sisters and father just talking about her and looking at photo's. i was quite upset while doing this but i think that it has made my family realise that its really after hitting me in the last few weeks and they seem to be reacting to it....

again, i just want to say thanks for all of the advice ye gave...

Lust4Life

So sorry for your loss, OP!
I lost my mother many years ago at 22 and can say you will always miss her.
Me and my 3 siblings all dealt with it differently.
I was ready to start college and the college made me put it off for a year to get through my grief. But through it all, I decided that what was most important was that I would make her proud of me and I believe she would be if she saw me today. I also know in losing her that life is just too dared short and I want to accomplish everything I dream of instead of saying "Someday I'd really like to..."
My siblings sometimes think I'm reckless, but I always land on my feet!

Do you have any special items that your mom treasured? That is also a big comfort. Maybe ask your dad for a memento.

Glad you had the get together and cried together. What a wonderful idea!

Hang in there! he pain will ease with time.

L4L

Patricide

Dude your always gonna miss her, what your going through now is a rough patch which ya gotta get through for your own sake, Im sure she would not like her son to have his life in bits over it.

J.R.HARTLEY

buddy, i'm not saying this to sound bad, but you'll never get over it, you'll get used to it, it's different. i'd like to think people are enlightened enough nowadays to know people grieve in different ways and not judge you, you have grieved you are grieving you'll always grieve, you'll just learn to move on with life keeping that person close to you.

In a way the passing of time will make it seem a little easier, but things like graduations and weddings and births will always bring the bit of emptiness back that you mam left.
I lost my dad 19 years ago this christams and it's weird, i still joke about him, cal him baldy and we have fun talking about things, in time and i mean time (not days or weeks, more years) the sadness of remembering the loss will be replaced by the happiness of remembering the experiences and lifes good times.
your family will proabably be the last to notice your pain by the way as they have pain of their own., but it looks like they are realizing what your going through.

i'll tell you, i buried my Fathers Mother (nan) last november, massive part of the family and i was very upset esp as she'd been in hospital with MRSA and i was banned as i was in chemo so i never saw her for her last 3 months, i got on with things anyway and this november it hit me like a sledgehamer rememberring her, as proud a man as i was i had to take to my room and blub like a baby, and she was special to me but she was not my mother. like others have said try and rebuild your life over the coming weeks and always when working or studying if you're looking for inspiration, say " i want to make my mam proud of me"
because she will be and she is.

Dermington

Do whatever it is you need to do to keep living.