Im so jealous with no reason and I dont know what to do!!!

LegacyUser

Short and simple, I am so so over jealous when it comes to my boyfriend its starting to ruin our relationship!!! He is the most loyal lovely caring guy I have ever met, we have been living together for the past 9 months......

But I just cannot stop myself being a total bitch and getting totally jealous over nothing!! I have loads of male friends and he has no problem with that but when it comes to him meeting his female friends I get a terrible attitude and he ends up not going, I feel so terrible about it but everytime I try to stop myself I just seem to get worse!!! He has never given me any reason to think he would do anything its just my last relationship was full of lies and deciet and I cant seem to shake it off!!! I know I shouldn't let past relationships have an effect on my present one but that is much easier said then done!!

My boyfriend has had a good few more relationships than me and recently a girl who had been away who he was mad about has come back to town, they only broke up cause she went away.... I can't stand the thoughts of her!!! He actually called me her name the other day and said it was just because he had heard she was back.....Now since he did this I have gotton a million times worse and am questioning him non stop and working myself up into an egit over the whole thing!!!

Has anyone managed to overcome this type of situation? Id appreciate any kind of advice....

I can rationalise things in my head but when it comes down to it I just cant stop overreacting!!!...

Sorry if I dragged this out, I'm just at my wits end now fighting over my jealous streak!!!

Epicpriest

Jealousbitch wrote:

Short and simple, I am so so over jealous when it comes to my boyfriend its starting to ruin our relationship!!! He is the most loyal lovely caring guy I have ever met, we have been living together for the past 9 months......

But I just cannot stop myself being a total bitch and getting totally jealous over nothing!! I have loads of male friends and he has no problem with that but when it comes to him meeting his female friends I get a terrible attitude and he ends up not going, I feel so terrible about it but everytime I try to stop myself I just seem to get worse!!! He has never given me any reason to think he would do anything its just my last relationship was full of lies and deciet and I cant seem to shake it off!!! I know I shouldn't let past relationships have an effect on my present one but that is much easier said then done!!

My boyfriend has had a good few more relationships than me and recently a girl who had been away who he was mad about has come back to town, they only broke up cause she went away.... I can't stand the thoughts of her!!! He actually called me her name the other day and said it was just because he had heard she was back.....Now since he did this I have gotton a million times worse and am questioning him non stop and working myself up into an egit over the whole thing!!!

Has anyone managed to overcome this type of situation? Id appreciate any kind of advice....

I can rationalise things in my head but when it comes down to it I just cant stop overreacting!!!...

Sorry if I dragged this out, I'm just at my wits end now fighting over my jealous streak!!!

I've had experience with it yes.

Questioning past relationships etc.. but i was never getting straight answers.
It was me doing all the questioning, and i'v just lost the person who meant the most to me in the world over it. I mean it, the 1 person that i need in my life is gone. Someone else is gonna get her now, and it was all because of that. I've never felt so bad in my life, i don't want to deal with it.

Don't be a fool and let it happen to you

Zulu

Get over it, or start getting over him


...because he'll soon get sick of it.

LegacyUser

Zulu I dont really think your comment is necessary....if you bothered to read my post in the first place you would see that I know I need to stop it but I dont know how, thats why I came here to ask for advice!!!!!

Now if you dont have anything worthwhile to say then why bother???

Thanks for your reply epicpriest, Im sorry to hear you have broken up, must be a really hard time for you!!! I hope you can maybe sort things out!!!

Epicpriest

Jealousbitch wrote:

Zulu I dont really think your comment is necessary....if you bothered to read my post in the first place you would see that I know I need to stop it but I dont know how, thats why I came here to ask for advice!!!!!

Now if you dont have anything worthwhile to say then why bother???

Thanks for your reply epicpriest, Im sorry to hear you have broken up, must be a really hard time for you!!! I hope you can maybe sort things out!!!

Advice is what i can't give. I know now after she has broken up with me that i would never dare be jealous again after this whole thing, but it's only now i realise that. You need to sort it out quick, or he will run off on you.

Maybe try some professional help.. i wish i did.

sachamama

it is hard. i think all you can really do is express how you feel to him. once. make sure you feel listened to. then you know that he is aware of it.

the work you do next is YOUR work. if you want this man, you have to change your way of thinking in order to feel comfortable again. this is very, very difficult to do. but its good work. it will make you a stronger person, and more independant of him. you need to feel more confident in yourself that you are worth loving. to say this is easy, to do this is very hard. but you can trust that it is true. that he loved you enough to live with you. and that you are a worthwhile person and deserve to be loved. so trust in this, trust in yourself that you can carry this, and trust your man in that he understands how you feel.

its easy for people to say "get over it or you will loose him". the reality of it is dififcult. but a wise person would look at it as a challenge for self development and inner healing. I wish you all the luck.

sachamama

i should add that this work takes time. I know epicpriest says sort it out quick but that can lead to panic. make the decision carefully and put energy and effort into it. its not a quick fix solution.

you can talk to me more if you like, i have done this work before.

Twigy

I know just how you feel,although i am not open about my jealousy. I have the most amazing bf in the world and he would never do anything to hurt me. I am a really jealous person and i feel it if he even talks about a girl. The only way i deal with it is,i just hold it in and not say anything to him. I just let him go on as if its all right,i dont let him know how jealous i am. I just get upset,but i dont say anything. Its the only way i know to deal with it. It hurts to be upset over stupid things like this but i think i would hurt more if i hurt him or made life hard for him.
Not very helpfull,im sorry:( but there a lot of people on the same boat,and all i know is that it will get better because i love him and i will do anything to make it better. I am sure you would too.

Zulu

I apologise if my initial post was a bit too curt for your sensitivities.

Jealousbitch wrote:

Zulu I dont really think your comment is necessary....

Well to be honest, I could argue that your post unnecessary, you know the problem (you're overly jellous) and the solution (stop being so jellous).

if you bothered to read my post in the first place you would see that I know I need to stop it but I dont know how,

Excuse me. I read your post. No need to be so stroppy. You are looking for a solution to being jellous. No one here can give you that. There is only one solution anyone here can offer you to stop being jellous, and thats to break up. Now we both know that isn't something you want to do. You just need to get over it what ever way you can. Stop thinking about it; how? Who knows.

Now if you dont have anything worthwhile to say then why bother???

If you don't feel my posts are worthwhile, add me to your ignore list. Why bother replying?

Do you mind me asking, how old are you? I know teenagers can be very jellous, but as people grow older (sometimes) this disolves away.

Twigy

Do you mind me asking, how old are you? I know teenagers can be very jellous, but as people grow older (sometimes) this disolves away.[/QUOTE]

It doesn't matter how old she is. Jealousy can be a result of previous relationships. She feels bad enough about it as it is. She doesn't need you to make her feel worse. And its not that easy to just stop being jealous.

LegacyUser

I am in exactly the same position as you at the moment. had a big row, again, saturday night because I was feeling jealous and insecure.

Feel really bad. I know that ill end up loosing him because of this but dont know how to stop either, and Im 27. So doesnt just affect teenagers!

I was never like this in previous relationships. There is just something with this guy that brings out the jealous streak in me. He is quite a popular guy, with the ladies too (have had women tell me how they fancy him), and its driven me nuts. I know at the end of the day he has chosen me to go out with, but am very insecure about it all.

Must be something we can do. Either that or they will leave.

LegacyUser

Metoo - Our situations sound very similar, my b/f used to work in a pub and had the ladies falling at his feet left right and centre. I found this a bit hard to handle as my last long term b/f was fairly quiet, popular but not to the same extent, so this was the first difficulty I found. Also his female friends happen to be fantastic looking....Not so easy to be out in their company if your having a fat day!!! Im sure all the ladies know what I mean on this score!!

To be honest at this stage I feel so crap about the whole thing I'm considering going to talk to someone professionally, even just once to try and get my head around why im like this....If I know the main cause Im sure I can work on it a bit more!

I love him to pieces and can never see myself wanting anyone else....

My friends say I have trust issues cause my parents seperated when I was a kid....My dad had an affair! Do you think this could have an effect on me??

By the way I'm 23 Zulu so wouldn't really consider myself anywhere near a teenager!!!

Zulu

Twigy wrote:

It doesn't matter how old she is.

Perhaps, but it's a relevant question. I'm just trying to ascertain more details.

Jealousy can be a result of previous relationships. ... She doesn't need you to make her feel worse.

Indeed it can, but we don't know that. ...and lord knows I shouldn't in case I make her feel any worse!

And its not that easy to just stop being jealous.

I never suggested it was. I would argue though, that if the OP was 15 it's something that she can learn to deal with over the next couple of years; that it's relatively normal, and good luck to her. Where as if the OP is 35 I'd suggest that she cop herself on and grow up; that while everyone feels jealous over loved ones and at times, in small doses it can be endearing. However, attempting to prevent him from seeing friends is the ugliest side of it, and will destroy any relationship.

Again, I apologise for my curtness, but I get the distinct impression the OP's old enough to know better. And I'm sorry OP, but it's my feeling that you won't manage to over come this problem in a softly, softly manner; I believe that it's going to take a sharp kick up the backside! <sorry>

mayordenis

just say this when he says hes going to meet one of his female friends "ok cool, have a nice time" then bite your tongue and say nothing else.

chump

Twigy wrote:

It doesn't matter how old she is. Jealousy can be a result of previous relationships. She feels bad enough about it as it is. She doesn't need you to make her feel worse. And its not that easy to just stop being jealous.

I'd say it does matter how old she is, I think you'd find that it is the younger ones with fewer relationships and less years behind them that will succomb to jealousy easier and more quickly than more weathered 30-somethings.
That's my opinion.

My advice to the OP would be just to suck it all up and not say a word. You have to tackle this problem by yourself, and time is the best healer. Even when you really want/need to say something to the boyfriend, bite your tongue and don't. Keep biting it long enough and you'll eventually get over the jealousy. SPeaking about it, and thinking about it, and writing about it - when you already KNOW it is unfounded won't get you anywhere. You know what you have to do, which is the stop yourself from acting out on your jealousy...

Zulu

mayordenis wrote:

just say this when he says hes going to meet one of his female friends "ok cool, have a nice time" then bite your tongue and say nothing else.

One thing I would say is: if you're going to "bite your tongue" make sure your not taking it out on him in otherways (ie: say nothing but stomp off in a strop)
If you can't help yourself from a strop, then your best course might be to explain that you are jealous; why you get jealous but let him carry on, and sort it out yourself.

LegacyUser

Yea you see that can be my problem, I do strop if I bite my tongue!! I think its a control problem here....I'll just have to hold back on the jealous rage and see how it goes....On the other hand Im the kind of person if I dont talk about stuff I end up getting really upset in myself and thats not gonna be good for us either!!! Ah well starting this evening I'm going to make a solemn effort to cool it a bit!!!

Just one more question, how would any of you feel about your b/f / g/f meeting up with their ex, either on their own or in company?? My b/f's ex is his best friends sister so she's going to be around!! She completely ignored me the last time she was in the same place as us and at that time I didn't even know she was his ex! God just thinking about it now makes me feel sick! Sad, I know but I really can't help it!!

Zulu

Jealousbitch wrote:

Yea you see that can be my problem, I do strop if I bite my tongue!! I think its a control problem here....I'll just have to hold back on the jealous rage and see how it goes....On the other hand Im the kind of person if I dont talk about stuff I end up getting really upset in myself and thats not gonna be good for us either!!!

Yea that's not good. I used to find myself getting jealous but getting stroppy. I hated when I got like that. I found occasionally, I'd just take her aside and really calm/level, explain what I was feeling. I used to highlight it was my fault, not hers, and in fairness I found this approach helped (as it wasn't her intention to make me feel jealous). In the end, all I needed was a little extra attention, and I was happy as a pig in sh1t.

Just one more question, how would any of you feel about your b/f / g/f meeting up with their ex, either on their own or in company??

IMO You don't have to like it, but you have to accept it.

Dreamer 7

Im jealous too, have calmed it down over the years a little however under NO circumstance would i put up with him calling me his ex's name, and under NO circumstances would he be seeing her esp if she has blanked me in the past. You need to curb the overreacting but definitely put ur foot down on the above two points

LegacyUser

Yea I suppose at the end of the day if I met my ex there would nothing more than a chat and a laugh, certainly nothing for my b/f to be worried about so I suppose why should he be any different? Its terrible but a lot of girls do tar fellas with the same brush and almost expect that they would be unfaithful at some stage, funny thing is I knew my b/f way before I started going out with him and he was never unfaithful to his ex's....Hmmm the more I write the more I think Im just a nutcase!!! Maybe professional help was the best idea so far!!!

Zulu

Dreamer 7 wrote:

Im jealous too, have calmed it down over the years a little

It doesn't appear you've calmed down too much tbh.

under NO circumstance would i put up with him calling me his ex's name,

A simple mistake that can happen anyone. granted it's not helpful, but it's not intentional either.

under NO circumstances would he be seeing her esp if she has blanked me in the past.

Your problem not his. You don't have to like her, but if she's his friend, you have to suck it up.

You need to curb the overreacting but definitely put ur foot down on the above two points

An ultimatum should only ever be used as a last resort as essentially you are just trying to bend someone else to your own will. It's a quick route to a bitter ending. Bad advice.

Twigy

Just one more question, how would any of you feel about your b/f / g/f meeting up with their ex, either on their own or in company??

My boyfriend went to meet up wit his ex, and i know she was in with him. So it was hard! But i am really good friends with my ex and we meet up from time to time and my bf has no prob with that so its only fair for me to let him go. I just had to learn to stop myself and keep reminding myself how much he loves me. It still wasn't easy but it kept me from making a scene.
Although im not sure its a good sign that you called you his ex's name. Thats just not right.

Zulu

Jealousbitch wrote:

Yea I suppose at the end of the day if I met my ex there would nothing more than a chat and a laugh, certainly nothing for my b/f to be worried about so I suppose why should he be any different? Its terrible but a lot of girls do tar fellas with the same brush and almost expect that they would be unfaithful at some stage, funny thing is I knew my b/f way before I started going out with him and he was never unfaithful to his ex's....Hmmm the more I write the more I think Im just a nutcase!!! Maybe professional help was the best idea so far!!!

Well it looks like your solving this one yourself. Next time you get jealous - remind yourself of this post. In fact - print it out and keep it in your purse

LegacyUser

Well in fairness I should have said, we have the same first name so.... hence the slight confusion with the name thing!! At the time I was mad pissed off simply because it just happened to be the one ex that I cannot stand!! None of the rest of them bother me at all!!! I got over that pretty quickly for me though, next morning after it happened I just told him I knew he didn't mean anything by it and it was a slip of the tongue so that was that, well as far as arguments go anyway!!

LegacyUser

Hmmm I think you may be onto something there Zulu.... Cheers for all the replys, much appreciated!!!

Magic Pips

Jealousbitch wrote:

...we have the same first name so.... hence the slight confusion with the name thing!!

Sorry if this is a stupid question... how did he call you her name then??

LegacyUser

He said the surname aswell!!! I was pissed off because I presumed that when he thought of our name it would be me that would be first in his head, not her!!!

Dreamer 7

Im under the impression that the OP wants all of our advice not justs urs Zulu

Shall i check all my posts with you before i go ahead , just to make sure you approve of my advice??

Zulu

Dreamer 7 wrote:

Im under the impression that the OP wants all of our advice not justs urs Zulu
Shall i check all my posts with you before i go ahead , just to make sure you approve of my advice??

Not a bad idea that - it could save you from posting irrelevant, and off topic posts. :rolleyes:

Darragh29

Zulu wrote:

Do you mind me asking, how old are you? I know teenagers can be very jellous, but as people grow older (sometimes) this disolves away.

THis is very true. I was very jealous as a teenager and in my early twenties, I reacted to things in a way back then that I would not dream of doing now. Thankfully I've grown totally out of this, although God nor man could have made me change when I was younger. What ultimately stopped me from being jealous was: me being jealous, it permanently destroying a relationship I was in, us breaking up over it, and then subsequently realising that I had absolutely nothing to be jealous about as the girl I was with at the time was faithful and honest. Having gone through the whole cycle, I ultimately came out the other side having learnt a serious lesson in life, which is that jealousy in a relationship is utterly destructive and will end a relationship in a short period of time. Maybe it is not possible to curb jealousy without having gone through the cycle above, I know in my case it wasn't, a bit like the theory that says a dog will not have any road sense until such time as he gets hit by a car???

LegacyUser

I suppose thinking about jealousy, its all about fear.

Ultimately you are scared/fear of loosing someone, but by doing what we are doing, we are actually driving them away - no help needed from anyone else.

I dont know what to do either OP, but if it is all about control, then I think we are going to have to loosen the grip a bit, because there is certainly no way we can control situations.

I was doing great on sat night, everything was fine - was making a big effort and we were having a great time. Next thing I know am being a jealous, sulky cow. Dont know what flicks on in my brain. I hate bring like that. Hate it.

But I guess Im the only one who can stop it.