How to say no?

LegacyUser

Long time Boards user but I’m going unregged for this one. I hope the mods don’t mind but I’m posting this in PI and LBG for reasons that should become clear as you read.

Where to start? Ok. There’s this other message board I’m on that’s small compared to Boards but it has about 500 users of which around 60ish (incl. me) are very active. Of the 60 users we get a high turnout, about 30+ at any one time, for our real-life meetings which take place every few weeks.

One of the other members who I met at these events has recently sent me a message in which he said in very plain language:

• That hes gay
• He thinks maybe I’m gay and hinted at looking for confirmation
• He really liked meeting me
• He really wants to meet me again (specifically me rather than board members in general)
• Invited me to accompany him to an event (this one is a bit strange so I’ll come back to it)

Reading this message from him left me completely speechless.

I suppose a bit of background on him might be a good idea at this point: He is quite a bit older than me but by how much I’m not sure as I’ve never actually asked him and he is between 1 to 2 years out of a very serious very long term relationship that ended due to a death. He seems like a very nice guy who’s easy to get on with.

You’ll probably want a bit of background on me now so here goes: I’m mid-twenties with ZERO relationship/dating experience and have no interest in gaining any at this time. I’m very quiet/introverted/shy and some would say socially inept. I wouldn’t go that far myself but others would.

And now we get to my problem. Knowing that I’m going to be meeting this guy regularly with the same group of friends how do I tell him in no uncertain terms that I’m not looking for a relationship and more importantly that I’m not gay? I don’t want to come off as playing hard to get but at the same time I don’t want to blow him out of the water on what’s possibly his first venture back into the dating scene. Relating to people is not something that comes easily to me so trying to put this delicately yet firmly is beyond me.

I almost forgot, I said I’d come back to that event I told you about earlier. He’s asked me to go as his guest but then later qualifies it as socializing with no presumptions. Am I just reading to much into this? I suppose you’d really have to read the whole message but for obvious reasons I cant post that.

LegacyUser

you really cant insult him by saying you are straight. i mean, he only had about a 10% you'd be gay anyway. relax man dont worry. you have the best possible reason for turning him down. just say you're flattered but you prefer the female gender. tell him it wont affect the way you deal with him and just forget it ever happened. tell him if he still wants to be your bud and he cant get a date for the function you'll go as mates. be straight (forgive the pun) with him and you cant go wrong.

Huggles

Dumbstruck wrote:

Long time Boards user but I’m going unregged for this one. I hope the mods don’t mind but I’m posting this in PI and LBG for reasons that should become clear as you read.

Where to start? Ok. There’s this other message board I’m on that’s small compared to Boards but it has about 500 users of which around 60ish (incl. me) are very active. Of the 60 users we get a high turnout, about 30+ at any one time, for our real-life meetings which take place every few weeks.

One of the other members who I met at these events has recently sent me a message in which he said in very plain language:

• That hes gay
• He thinks maybe I’m gay and hinted at looking for confirmation
• He really liked meeting me
• He really wants to meet me again (specifically me rather than board members in general)
• Invited me to accompany him to an event (this one is a bit strange so I’ll come back to it)

Reading this message from him left me completely speechless.

I suppose a bit of background on him might be a good idea at this point: He is quite a bit older than me but by how much I’m not sure as I’ve never actually asked him and he is between 1 to 2 years out of a very serious very long term relationship that ended due to a death. He seems like a very nice guy who’s easy to get on with.

You’ll probably want a bit of background on me now so here goes: I’m mid-twenties with ZERO relationship/dating experience and have no interest in gaining any at this time. I’m very quiet/introverted/shy and some would say socially inept. I wouldn’t go that far myself but others would.

And now we get to my problem. Knowing that I’m going to be meeting this guy regularly with the same group of friends how do I tell him in no uncertain terms that I’m not looking for a relationship and more importantly that I’m not gay? I don’t want to come off as playing hard to get but at the same time I don’t want to blow him out of the water on what’s possibly his first venture back into the dating scene. Relating to people is not something that comes easily to me so trying to put this delicately yet firmly is beyond me.

I almost forgot, I said I’d come back to that event I told you about earlier. He’s asked me to go as his guest but then later qualifies it as socializing with no presumptions. Am I just reading to much into this? I suppose you’d really have to read the whole message but for obvious reasons I cant post that.

Your not gay, so telll him while you are very flattered, its just not your thing. Simple as. As regards meeting him again at a social occasion, ust pretend it never happened, he will get the message.

metrovelvet

Just tell him your straight. Its no biggie.

LegacyUser

The fact that your posting it here, maybe its something that in the back of your mind has sparked off a part of you that you did not know was there.

I mean if you have never been with a woman, how do you know your not gay or bi?

I reckon you should go along as his guest, no strings attached and see how you enjoy his company?

BuffyBot

Exactly. If you want to let him down gently (but firmly), simply say that you appeciate the fact that he likes you and wants to go to event x with you, but that you're are not gay, and aren't looking for anything more than friendship. You can say that you would like to remain friends (assuming that you do), but on the basis that it will not become anything more than that.

Basically, you have to be kind, but firm. At the end of the day, if he has come to like you, it's not his fault. People fall for each other all the time, even when it's someone you shouldn't fall for. It's probably taken him a lot of courage to make this move and "test the waters so to speak". He's made a sensible, sane request and as such a similar reply is what is needed. I'd imagine he might be a bit embarassed, but you never know, it may not have much of an overall impact on your friendship in the long run.

If he persists, that's another story. By the sounds of it, I doubt he will. Post back and let us know how it goes.

Faith

BuffyBot wrote:

Exactly. If you want to let him down gently (but firmly), simply say that you appeciate the fact that he likes you and wants to go to event x with you, but that you're are not gay, and aren't looking for anything more than friendship. You can say that you would like to remain friends (assuming that you do), but on the basis that it will not become anything more than that.

Yeah, this is good advice. If you're going to do it in a reply message, start off with something like "Hey, thanks for the message. It was great meeting you too. I'm really flattered that you like me but, in actual fact, I'm not gay etc etc etc".

Velvet Vocals

nosleep wrote:

you really cant insult him by saying you are straight. i mean, he only had about a 10% you'd be gay anyway. relax man dont worry. you have the best possible reason for turning him down. just say you're flattered but you prefer the female gender. tell him it wont affect the way you deal with him and just forget it ever happened. tell him if he still wants to be your bud and he cant get a date for the function you'll go as mates. be straight (forgive the pun) with him and you cant go wrong.

Best advise ever! That's exactly what you need to do. If you put it like that then there's no way he'd be hurt or insulted!
Disapointed maybe coz your obviously a hottie! But don't worry, just be yourself and you'll be fine!

Shellie13

you seem really nice and concerned...a great friend!
Just tell him he read ya wrong but you're cool with it!
who knows if ye start hanging around together ye might end up introducing each other to the loves of yer lives...

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone! I sent him an email today in which I used the phrase "...not being gay myself..." and told him I wouldn't be able to go to the event with him so I hope he got the hint. He did reply and was full of chat so he didn't appear to be put out by it which is good. I think. Guess I'll find out the next time I actually meet him.